(no subject)
A wise woman once told me to never date poets in the slam community because then you must live in community with the asshole when things go awry
I am a dumb girl sometimes
and scoffed at her.
I want let go of it more than anyone can ever understand but something in me has fingers twisted knuckle white around this grudge and is unwilling to let go. Its that I was cool with the train wreck when he left town-figured sometime apart would put us back in good standing but the lies that were uncovered in the aftermath were just too much. I don't typically wish harm on people in seriousness-it would make me feel amazing to watch this fucker fall down a flight of steps. I feel like the girl in the horror film telling everyone that this fucker will stab you and no one is listening. His new girlfriend is apparently second hand stalking me on facebook as well-like there's a mole feeding her information about the things I post-the fact that he knows things about me despite being blocked on my fb gets back to me from a mutual friend-its all too sordid-too busy-too noisy and too below me. I can actually deal with seeing this fucker at national events-there are so many people to spend time with that I am unconcerned by seeing him-what I cannot deal, what makes me white hot angry is him living in my city and this constant "threat" of having to share my regular weekly venue with him. I cannot begrudge anyone the right to see and practice poetry and feel remotely okay with myself but why does it have to be in the same space as me when you fucked up you life and ended up back in a city you burnt your bridges in. I am typically forgiving to a fault-in all kinds of stupid ways- but this person has punched that card-this person has wrung any forgiveness I may have been able to muster out of me. I forgave until I simply couldn't anymore I do not have any left in me for him after everything that became clear. Part of the anger-part of what fuels this anger is actually just being so frustrated with myself for not being able to muster enough forgiveness to let this go, for not being better than wishing him harm and bad fortune. I hate him for seemingly taking that piece of myself away from me-for taking away my choice to feel anything other than monumental loathing for him, for playing victim and making me feel like a bad guy for not being able to at the very least be cordial and step around him-for being petty and wishing all of my friends would just hate him with me so maybe I didnt feel so alone and scared and angry and hurt.
I am a dumb girl sometimes
and scoffed at her.
I want let go of it more than anyone can ever understand but something in me has fingers twisted knuckle white around this grudge and is unwilling to let go. Its that I was cool with the train wreck when he left town-figured sometime apart would put us back in good standing but the lies that were uncovered in the aftermath were just too much. I don't typically wish harm on people in seriousness-it would make me feel amazing to watch this fucker fall down a flight of steps. I feel like the girl in the horror film telling everyone that this fucker will stab you and no one is listening. His new girlfriend is apparently second hand stalking me on facebook as well-like there's a mole feeding her information about the things I post-the fact that he knows things about me despite being blocked on my fb gets back to me from a mutual friend-its all too sordid-too busy-too noisy and too below me. I can actually deal with seeing this fucker at national events-there are so many people to spend time with that I am unconcerned by seeing him-what I cannot deal, what makes me white hot angry is him living in my city and this constant "threat" of having to share my regular weekly venue with him. I cannot begrudge anyone the right to see and practice poetry and feel remotely okay with myself but why does it have to be in the same space as me when you fucked up you life and ended up back in a city you burnt your bridges in. I am typically forgiving to a fault-in all kinds of stupid ways- but this person has punched that card-this person has wrung any forgiveness I may have been able to muster out of me. I forgave until I simply couldn't anymore I do not have any left in me for him after everything that became clear. Part of the anger-part of what fuels this anger is actually just being so frustrated with myself for not being able to muster enough forgiveness to let this go, for not being better than wishing him harm and bad fortune. I hate him for seemingly taking that piece of myself away from me-for taking away my choice to feel anything other than monumental loathing for him, for playing victim and making me feel like a bad guy for not being able to at the very least be cordial and step around him-for being petty and wishing all of my friends would just hate him with me so maybe I didnt feel so alone and scared and angry and hurt.