(no subject)
So I failed at 30/30...I know its not done yet but I don't forsee 30 poems maybe a few more though if I can find some time.
I want to just sleep for like a week. I am exhausted. I have fallen into the same old habits of saying yes to damn near everything anyone asks me to do when I should be taking some time to myself. Apparently I have learned nothing from an ulcer and an awful case of mono. Speaking of ulcer...I think mine is back. My job used to be rather stress free but I have been there nearly a year now and found that this is a company that doesn't seem to learn from its mistakes so we are constantly getting screamed at for the same things-things that are fixable and their solutions are to throw candy and t-shirts and the occasional pizza party at us. I am grateful for a job but it is getting hard not to walk out-I have used a good chunk of my PTO leaving an hour early here and there because I just cannot take one more person screaming at me over sold out Gucci shoes or packages lost by the post office or orders fucked up by people not reading in the warehouse or really just people acting like any screw up involving any pair of SHOES gives them permission to speak to me the way they do. They're shoes! Even if they are your wedding shoes-they are still just shoes-put on some flip flops and be glad someone wants to marry you! They sprung a secret Gucci sale on us this week-it was hell-I made a woman cry. Mostly people probably think that I would take great joy in making someone cry but really I dont. All I did was tell her that the gucci shoe she was attempting to order was no longer available in the size and color she wanted and she broke down crying and telling me she was "so depressed now". I so wish the worst thing that could happen to me in a day was that I could not overpay for a pair of hideous shoes. Ick.
I would also like to spend more time at home because I would really love to do a full purge of junk and clothes and such. There's too much stuff in my house-granted thats my fault but I would now like to fix that.
I did not get the job at Columbus Children's theater-I hate how employers don't even call or email to tell you they arent hiring you.
Speaking of not calling I had a date lined up for this past Tuesday night that I was really excited about-I mean the guy PLANNED AN ACTUAL DATE. They rarely do that anymore-its all "hey wanna get some coffee so I can drill you about why you're not drilling me?" Whatever. So this guy texts me a few hours before said date and says he needs a rain check but that he's so sorry and he'll totally make it up to me and he'll call me that night to tell me whats going on so I say its ok-I could use a night at home anyhow. He texts again around 7:30 to ask if it was a good time to call and I tell him that its not because I was cooking and about to eat dinner. Once dinner was over I text him an ollie ollie oxen free and I still haven't heard from him since. No idea what happened there. There was another guy I was seeing/talking to but we just weren't clicking-he went the Starbucks route and generally told jokes only he laughed at and texted me like 800 times a day so I pulled the plug on that. Dating is not going so well.
Which also leads to the new trend in people telling me that I look mean on the regular. So maybe I do. And maybe I even am mean as a few men have pointed out (after attempting to make out with me). I'd rather be real mean than fake nice but I still guess I need to watch myself-I do slip and say things I don't mean from time to time. I am a rather defensive person-I am not sure how not to be most days and I feel like that is increasing all the time. I cannot help this need to be as tough as I possibly can all the time lately-likely because I feel the exact opposite. I am lonely and frustrated and I miss my grandpa and I am mad that Jeff got engaged this year and I miss Randell since he moved to Buffalo and I feel stuck and I can never catch up financially with student loans looming and I want to go back to school but cannot afford it and I am the heaviest I have ever been and I cannot find time to do anything about that either because shitty food is cheaper and easier to come by and I would need to find time to put together the paper work to put in for a membership at the YMCA and hope they actually do give me a cheap scholarship membership again and then I would need to find time to go work out-please do not misunderstand- I do not hate myself fat, I actually have no desire to not be plus sized but I would like to make it to 30 and I would like my clothes to fit...I have cute clothes. I also just want/need to spend time writing and prepping for slams and slamming and booking features and with everything I do I still feel like I am not doing anything at all. If I take an evening and watch a movie and do crafty type things I feel guilty because the house is a mess and I am a mess. So yeah...I'm a little mean lately...maybe that answers why the dating thing isn't going so well.
I have the day before thanksgiving and thanksgiving off work...I am looking forward to trying to get things done. I dont usually decorate for Christmas until at least the day after thanksgiving but I work most of the day on black friday and the whole day the saturday that follows so I will likely decorate on thanksgiving-I figure once Santa rolls in at the end of the Macy's Parade I can put up the tree. I am also forgoing a typical sort of thanksgiving in terms of going to anyone's house to eat turkey Teri, Dain and whoever else feels so inclined are going to Tip Top-their pot roast sandwich will put you to sleep faster than any drumstick and I just want to keep things low key.
Aside from a lack of as much time as I would like to write and practice performance and to edit I do mostly like the things I am getting done. I am stuck on the direction and shape of one particular poem right now but I like the 3 draft I put out for 30/30 November Edition. I look forward to some of the ideas that I have simmering. My only real complaint is that working full time leaves me little time to craft the performances I would like to craft. I was just sort of digging my heels in on that when I came back from Nats but then the fulltime hours started and I"ve been pressed for time-all the time but me and writing are doing okay lately. I'd still like to get a new chapbook put together and a cd recorded so we'll see.
I want to just sleep for like a week. I am exhausted. I have fallen into the same old habits of saying yes to damn near everything anyone asks me to do when I should be taking some time to myself. Apparently I have learned nothing from an ulcer and an awful case of mono. Speaking of ulcer...I think mine is back. My job used to be rather stress free but I have been there nearly a year now and found that this is a company that doesn't seem to learn from its mistakes so we are constantly getting screamed at for the same things-things that are fixable and their solutions are to throw candy and t-shirts and the occasional pizza party at us. I am grateful for a job but it is getting hard not to walk out-I have used a good chunk of my PTO leaving an hour early here and there because I just cannot take one more person screaming at me over sold out Gucci shoes or packages lost by the post office or orders fucked up by people not reading in the warehouse or really just people acting like any screw up involving any pair of SHOES gives them permission to speak to me the way they do. They're shoes! Even if they are your wedding shoes-they are still just shoes-put on some flip flops and be glad someone wants to marry you! They sprung a secret Gucci sale on us this week-it was hell-I made a woman cry. Mostly people probably think that I would take great joy in making someone cry but really I dont. All I did was tell her that the gucci shoe she was attempting to order was no longer available in the size and color she wanted and she broke down crying and telling me she was "so depressed now". I so wish the worst thing that could happen to me in a day was that I could not overpay for a pair of hideous shoes. Ick.
I would also like to spend more time at home because I would really love to do a full purge of junk and clothes and such. There's too much stuff in my house-granted thats my fault but I would now like to fix that.
I did not get the job at Columbus Children's theater-I hate how employers don't even call or email to tell you they arent hiring you.
Speaking of not calling I had a date lined up for this past Tuesday night that I was really excited about-I mean the guy PLANNED AN ACTUAL DATE. They rarely do that anymore-its all "hey wanna get some coffee so I can drill you about why you're not drilling me?" Whatever. So this guy texts me a few hours before said date and says he needs a rain check but that he's so sorry and he'll totally make it up to me and he'll call me that night to tell me whats going on so I say its ok-I could use a night at home anyhow. He texts again around 7:30 to ask if it was a good time to call and I tell him that its not because I was cooking and about to eat dinner. Once dinner was over I text him an ollie ollie oxen free and I still haven't heard from him since. No idea what happened there. There was another guy I was seeing/talking to but we just weren't clicking-he went the Starbucks route and generally told jokes only he laughed at and texted me like 800 times a day so I pulled the plug on that. Dating is not going so well.
Which also leads to the new trend in people telling me that I look mean on the regular. So maybe I do. And maybe I even am mean as a few men have pointed out (after attempting to make out with me). I'd rather be real mean than fake nice but I still guess I need to watch myself-I do slip and say things I don't mean from time to time. I am a rather defensive person-I am not sure how not to be most days and I feel like that is increasing all the time. I cannot help this need to be as tough as I possibly can all the time lately-likely because I feel the exact opposite. I am lonely and frustrated and I miss my grandpa and I am mad that Jeff got engaged this year and I miss Randell since he moved to Buffalo and I feel stuck and I can never catch up financially with student loans looming and I want to go back to school but cannot afford it and I am the heaviest I have ever been and I cannot find time to do anything about that either because shitty food is cheaper and easier to come by and I would need to find time to put together the paper work to put in for a membership at the YMCA and hope they actually do give me a cheap scholarship membership again and then I would need to find time to go work out-please do not misunderstand- I do not hate myself fat, I actually have no desire to not be plus sized but I would like to make it to 30 and I would like my clothes to fit...I have cute clothes. I also just want/need to spend time writing and prepping for slams and slamming and booking features and with everything I do I still feel like I am not doing anything at all. If I take an evening and watch a movie and do crafty type things I feel guilty because the house is a mess and I am a mess. So yeah...I'm a little mean lately...maybe that answers why the dating thing isn't going so well.
I have the day before thanksgiving and thanksgiving off work...I am looking forward to trying to get things done. I dont usually decorate for Christmas until at least the day after thanksgiving but I work most of the day on black friday and the whole day the saturday that follows so I will likely decorate on thanksgiving-I figure once Santa rolls in at the end of the Macy's Parade I can put up the tree. I am also forgoing a typical sort of thanksgiving in terms of going to anyone's house to eat turkey Teri, Dain and whoever else feels so inclined are going to Tip Top-their pot roast sandwich will put you to sleep faster than any drumstick and I just want to keep things low key.
Aside from a lack of as much time as I would like to write and practice performance and to edit I do mostly like the things I am getting done. I am stuck on the direction and shape of one particular poem right now but I like the 3 draft I put out for 30/30 November Edition. I look forward to some of the ideas that I have simmering. My only real complaint is that working full time leaves me little time to craft the performances I would like to craft. I was just sort of digging my heels in on that when I came back from Nats but then the fulltime hours started and I"ve been pressed for time-all the time but me and writing are doing okay lately. I'd still like to get a new chapbook put together and a cd recorded so we'll see.