The Details
Monday night I was in the grocery store pasta aisle picking put pasta-my grandma calls and says sort of with all of the emotion in a flushed goldfish "Bad news, Grandpa died today". This is a call I have expected off and on for years now. I was already planning a trip to Lebanon in the coming weekend for my friend Mandy's wedding-so I told her I would see her this weekend and I thought I was fine, but then I just couldn't choose a pasta-there were too many different colors, shapes, flavors, etc. and then I was fighting back tears. I grabbed a box of the ones that look like bow ties, checked out and walked out into the rain to catch the bus-fighting the entire time not to burst into tears. I got home and banished Dain from the kitchen, kept my headphones on and cried and cooked. It was my duty-since my mother and grandmother no longer speak-to tell my mom that her dad was dead. I also had to tell my brother because no one knows how to get a hold of him-I told him via facebook message and I spent the rest of the night crying in my room completely baffled as to why this news had such a hold on me. My grandpa was pure temper. I have a poem called Eulogy for a Burning Man that most people think is about my father but it is about my Grandpa. He was a complicated person-he was the first funny person I'd ever known but he was also so angry. I have these conflicting memories and people urge me to remember only the good-but that feels like a lie. Among the many things his death brought to the surface-there is facing the utter dissection of my family-people who dont speak and dont bother and hold grudges and then there was the glaring truth that my grandparents had spent the majority of their lives with someone who they did not love and who did not love them and that by itself breaks my heart. My grandma did not cry for him and I am not angry at her this, but I find it so sad.
I called into work on Tuesday to see if I had any PTO to use because I sort of still couldnt stop crying and I was told I got 3 days of bereavement leave-so I took it-and since I had put in for PTO for Mandy's wedding I wouldn't have to work Friday or Saturday-so I took a couple of the days for myself-to clean-to cry-to look at pictures and write and then I went down to Lebanon to help my Grandma pack up my grandpa's things. I came across dozens of watches, reading glasses, and hair brushes-the hair brushes made me laugh the most. He had no hair when he died-but it made me remember the hair he had when I was little-he spent TIME on his hair-he'd stand in the bathroom mirror before we went anywhere singing and getting it just right.
People dropped off food all weekend expecting more family than me and my uncle (who only came up from NC to pick up a $500 lift chair).
On the upside the wedding was amazing and I got to see Mandy-who was the best college roomie in the world and Sean was a great "date' and over all rescuer when things got weird during the whole weekend in Lebanon.
After the wedding he and I went to Cincy to have a couple drinks with Terah. We hung out in Mt Adams-its a really cute-went to a bar called Blind Melon that had a beautiful little courtyard with a giant fire pit-I loved it. Multiple people have made the remark over the last couple weeks that I should move to Cincy. I actually wouldn't mind giving it a try but they dont have a slam and I sort of couldn't live without that right now.
On the way home I realized that I am one of those people that misses their cat....she's cuddly in the fall.
I am also the owner of a record player-a beautifully vintage one-this makes me happy.
I've got a very busy week ahead of me it might be a tough I still feel a little fragile.
I called into work on Tuesday to see if I had any PTO to use because I sort of still couldnt stop crying and I was told I got 3 days of bereavement leave-so I took it-and since I had put in for PTO for Mandy's wedding I wouldn't have to work Friday or Saturday-so I took a couple of the days for myself-to clean-to cry-to look at pictures and write and then I went down to Lebanon to help my Grandma pack up my grandpa's things. I came across dozens of watches, reading glasses, and hair brushes-the hair brushes made me laugh the most. He had no hair when he died-but it made me remember the hair he had when I was little-he spent TIME on his hair-he'd stand in the bathroom mirror before we went anywhere singing and getting it just right.
People dropped off food all weekend expecting more family than me and my uncle (who only came up from NC to pick up a $500 lift chair).
On the upside the wedding was amazing and I got to see Mandy-who was the best college roomie in the world and Sean was a great "date' and over all rescuer when things got weird during the whole weekend in Lebanon.
After the wedding he and I went to Cincy to have a couple drinks with Terah. We hung out in Mt Adams-its a really cute-went to a bar called Blind Melon that had a beautiful little courtyard with a giant fire pit-I loved it. Multiple people have made the remark over the last couple weeks that I should move to Cincy. I actually wouldn't mind giving it a try but they dont have a slam and I sort of couldn't live without that right now.
On the way home I realized that I am one of those people that misses their cat....she's cuddly in the fall.
I am also the owner of a record player-a beautifully vintage one-this makes me happy.
I've got a very busy week ahead of me it might be a tough I still feel a little fragile.