An odd feeling
I am feeling mostly human again after my show. My apartment is cleaned up for the most part and last night I enjoyed making corn chowder and sitting back with a glass of wine before getting down to some creative times.
At the same time, I’ve been feeling a bit odd lately. Not in a bad way, but in a way that’s hard to describe. In highschool I got straight A’s. In university, it was usually between the high 70’s, low 80’s range (I remember being devastated to get my first C) and I fought hard to get my overall 82 average and graduate with distinction. And yet in the years after my graduation, I feel like my confidence took more of a beating than I was willing to admit at the time and the last few years I’ve felt much less than intelligent. I don’t feel stupid per se, but I definitely felt low and unworthy when it came to trying to converse with others. They would have lofty, high artistic, philosophical and political concepts to discuss and I would have nothing to contribute. Anything I did contribute would be quickly shot down and I just had to assume I was wrong because clearly I knew nothing about the subject.
Added to that was my day job, which while it isn’t always easy isn’t always rocket science either. You don’t hear of the great minds of the world becoming bookkeepers. Part of it is of course the mental bitch slap all post-secondary graduates get upon entering the working world and realizing that not only are there many people just like you, but many more skilled ones as well.
But in the last couple of months, something has shifted. Suddenly I’m taking notice that many people at work rely on me to be IT support or fix the photocopier or when I realize that I have been the only receptionist to be upgraded to bookkeeper because they figured out I was better with numbers. Or at home when some problem needs solving that I’ve never had to do. I might not know how to do it, but I generally like to fiddle around with things and manage to figure it out eventually. And I realized that this does require a certain amount of intelligence. And a love of hands-on work, which I’m quickly discovering I enjoy. I find that I’m talking about stories and movies and games to other people who clearly don’t look into them as much as I do. I will analyze and pick apart and experiment with how something could have been done better.
And I’ve started to feel smart again. I didn’t realize how low I felt about my own intelligence until I gained back some of that confidence. My need to learn has grown again. I’ve realized that people do listen to me. I don’t always have that confidence. I still have a hard time expressing my ideas and get quickly frustrated when someone asks a question that I know the answer to, but can’t quite find a way to describe it. But still, I feel like I’ve come through some sort of trial, reached an epiphany and can be a lot more content...I might not be a rocket scientist, but I am a smart person, surrounded by smart people, and it feels good.
At the same time, I’ve been feeling a bit odd lately. Not in a bad way, but in a way that’s hard to describe. In highschool I got straight A’s. In university, it was usually between the high 70’s, low 80’s range (I remember being devastated to get my first C) and I fought hard to get my overall 82 average and graduate with distinction. And yet in the years after my graduation, I feel like my confidence took more of a beating than I was willing to admit at the time and the last few years I’ve felt much less than intelligent. I don’t feel stupid per se, but I definitely felt low and unworthy when it came to trying to converse with others. They would have lofty, high artistic, philosophical and political concepts to discuss and I would have nothing to contribute. Anything I did contribute would be quickly shot down and I just had to assume I was wrong because clearly I knew nothing about the subject.
Added to that was my day job, which while it isn’t always easy isn’t always rocket science either. You don’t hear of the great minds of the world becoming bookkeepers. Part of it is of course the mental bitch slap all post-secondary graduates get upon entering the working world and realizing that not only are there many people just like you, but many more skilled ones as well.
But in the last couple of months, something has shifted. Suddenly I’m taking notice that many people at work rely on me to be IT support or fix the photocopier or when I realize that I have been the only receptionist to be upgraded to bookkeeper because they figured out I was better with numbers. Or at home when some problem needs solving that I’ve never had to do. I might not know how to do it, but I generally like to fiddle around with things and manage to figure it out eventually. And I realized that this does require a certain amount of intelligence. And a love of hands-on work, which I’m quickly discovering I enjoy. I find that I’m talking about stories and movies and games to other people who clearly don’t look into them as much as I do. I will analyze and pick apart and experiment with how something could have been done better.
And I’ve started to feel smart again. I didn’t realize how low I felt about my own intelligence until I gained back some of that confidence. My need to learn has grown again. I’ve realized that people do listen to me. I don’t always have that confidence. I still have a hard time expressing my ideas and get quickly frustrated when someone asks a question that I know the answer to, but can’t quite find a way to describe it. But still, I feel like I’ve come through some sort of trial, reached an epiphany and can be a lot more content...I might not be a rocket scientist, but I am a smart person, surrounded by smart people, and it feels good.