While You Are Here
No amount of apologizing will undo my mistakes but I will start with an apology becuase you deserve that. I'm sorry.
Last night you told me you felt sorry for me because of my family, how I view the world, the lack of people who would scarifce for me, where we both know I'll end up, etc. You are right (you are right pretty frequently, in point of fact). I should have made better decisions, not just in the last month but for many years before that. I hate that I have caused you pain. When you asked me why I am still here "and don't say it's because you love me" I would be lying if I said it wasn't because I love you. I know it's a fucked up way to show it but I do. There's a part of my heart that will always be yours. It's also because of hope. I guess I always hoped that no matter how bad things got between us they would eventually get better. I remember the person I feel in love with ten years ago and the way I used to feel and I want that back for us. While I see your flaws, I also see your strengths. You are a good person, you are kind, loyal, and just. These are qualities I have and will always admire in you. It's why I wanted to pursue counselling instead of divorce. I genuinely believed that I could rekindle that spark, I just didn't know how to do it by myself. I still want to believe that it is possible but if I'm being honest, I don't know that it is. You keep telling me I'm smart but I feel so stupid and clueless and scared.
What happens next is your decision. I've made mistakes and consequently forfeited the right for anything more from you.
Last night you told me you felt sorry for me because of my family, how I view the world, the lack of people who would scarifce for me, where we both know I'll end up, etc. You are right (you are right pretty frequently, in point of fact). I should have made better decisions, not just in the last month but for many years before that. I hate that I have caused you pain. When you asked me why I am still here "and don't say it's because you love me" I would be lying if I said it wasn't because I love you. I know it's a fucked up way to show it but I do. There's a part of my heart that will always be yours. It's also because of hope. I guess I always hoped that no matter how bad things got between us they would eventually get better. I remember the person I feel in love with ten years ago and the way I used to feel and I want that back for us. While I see your flaws, I also see your strengths. You are a good person, you are kind, loyal, and just. These are qualities I have and will always admire in you. It's why I wanted to pursue counselling instead of divorce. I genuinely believed that I could rekindle that spark, I just didn't know how to do it by myself. I still want to believe that it is possible but if I'm being honest, I don't know that it is. You keep telling me I'm smart but I feel so stupid and clueless and scared.
What happens next is your decision. I've made mistakes and consequently forfeited the right for anything more from you.