(no subject)
Sleepless night, pleh.
So my mind was wandering about a mile a minute trying to find some sleep and I found myself going further and further back in my memories, seeing and realizing a few things. I mean it started out with recent memories of discussions with friends, some of the more recent rants I’ve had to said friends (I know I’ve barely ranted at all compared to what I used to) back to cons and stuff a few months ago, and then more than a year ago spanning all the way back to memories of DPHS back “home”…
For some reason a part of me still identifies South Africa as home, or back where I grew up, even though little of it remains the same, and the last time I was in my hometown I wanted to gtfo out before the sun set - it was in that bad of shape, an absolute ghost town with garbage, few people out on the streets, massive power outages, traffic lights not working. It was not a pleasant sight to return to. I honestly on my whole South Africa trip spent barely over 6 hours in my hometown. But yet the memories of this place or what it used to be are where home is, even though I long since realized I’ve spent more than half of my known life in Canada already, and that I’m more Canadian in culture than I ever was South African.
Memories are a funny thing, there are of course random thoughts as to how I would have handled situations differently if I had my current wisdom and charismatic speech patterns, that I lacked back then. However the outcomes of events back then was most likely the best possible ones that could have happened. Anything else would likely have been over-thinking a situation and making it more complex, something I find myself more and more prone to doing.
However in all this, only at the very fuzzy edges of my thoughts did certain people appear. The people that were a large part my reason for living and enjoying so much of my life. And for the first time in what I realize has been nearly 13 years, I have actually put aside all my feelings and thoughts for those few that I used to care the world for, and would have given my heart and soul in an instant. To me this was inconceivable and a paradox given the current emotion swings I’ve been facing.
The simplest explanation is that somehow I was happier pining after lost loves than I was unable to have, than I am being free of such burden with nobody to focus my thoughts after. I find myself at present far more stressed and irritable than I have been for awhile. Not without just cause mind you, I’ve had a lot on my plate since my return from Africa which I never posted about, despite the nearly complete journal entry.
I’ve been to three cons since then, and had wildly differing experiences, but enjoyed them all nonetheless, and have watched my view on the furry fandom shift significantly, from the jubilant exuberance I had upon finding it and losing myself in a frenzy of booze, sex, and self-indulgence to a much more miserly and jaded view on the faults common to most of the fandom, returning to some of my older more arrogant ways - looking at the repetitive and sad mistakes most individuals have made to bring themselves to their own sad plights, largely unaware of wtf they’re doing wrong. Even the smarter ones that most herald as their personal furry heroes; a fair number of which I’ve spoken at length to and shook my head listening to what was barely any different from a teenage emofest combined with a pissing contest.
I swear Marissa is going to make the argument that I just need to get laid some more again reading all this. >.>;
I’ve had more vacations than most people get, let alone deserve in this year alone, for only working part of it, yet I feel less rested than when I was working full-time for over a year without a break. My vacation time while an interesting set of largely enjoyable experiences has done little to reduce the stress level that I needed it to, and I find myself wandering what part of it the furry fandom plays. The fandom is also currently my main escape from reality, although I have participated significantly less in it than before. I find myself wandering if I don’t want the military job just to get away from the fandom temporarily and return with a fresh start, and a better position to tackle it from.
This aimless rant brought to you by tossing and turning unable to sleep, and far too much freedom.
So my mind was wandering about a mile a minute trying to find some sleep and I found myself going further and further back in my memories, seeing and realizing a few things. I mean it started out with recent memories of discussions with friends, some of the more recent rants I’ve had to said friends (I know I’ve barely ranted at all compared to what I used to) back to cons and stuff a few months ago, and then more than a year ago spanning all the way back to memories of DPHS back “home”…
For some reason a part of me still identifies South Africa as home, or back where I grew up, even though little of it remains the same, and the last time I was in my hometown I wanted to gtfo out before the sun set - it was in that bad of shape, an absolute ghost town with garbage, few people out on the streets, massive power outages, traffic lights not working. It was not a pleasant sight to return to. I honestly on my whole South Africa trip spent barely over 6 hours in my hometown. But yet the memories of this place or what it used to be are where home is, even though I long since realized I’ve spent more than half of my known life in Canada already, and that I’m more Canadian in culture than I ever was South African.
Memories are a funny thing, there are of course random thoughts as to how I would have handled situations differently if I had my current wisdom and charismatic speech patterns, that I lacked back then. However the outcomes of events back then was most likely the best possible ones that could have happened. Anything else would likely have been over-thinking a situation and making it more complex, something I find myself more and more prone to doing.
However in all this, only at the very fuzzy edges of my thoughts did certain people appear. The people that were a large part my reason for living and enjoying so much of my life. And for the first time in what I realize has been nearly 13 years, I have actually put aside all my feelings and thoughts for those few that I used to care the world for, and would have given my heart and soul in an instant. To me this was inconceivable and a paradox given the current emotion swings I’ve been facing.
The simplest explanation is that somehow I was happier pining after lost loves than I was unable to have, than I am being free of such burden with nobody to focus my thoughts after. I find myself at present far more stressed and irritable than I have been for awhile. Not without just cause mind you, I’ve had a lot on my plate since my return from Africa which I never posted about, despite the nearly complete journal entry.
I’ve been to three cons since then, and had wildly differing experiences, but enjoyed them all nonetheless, and have watched my view on the furry fandom shift significantly, from the jubilant exuberance I had upon finding it and losing myself in a frenzy of booze, sex, and self-indulgence to a much more miserly and jaded view on the faults common to most of the fandom, returning to some of my older more arrogant ways - looking at the repetitive and sad mistakes most individuals have made to bring themselves to their own sad plights, largely unaware of wtf they’re doing wrong. Even the smarter ones that most herald as their personal furry heroes; a fair number of which I’ve spoken at length to and shook my head listening to what was barely any different from a teenage emofest combined with a pissing contest.
I swear Marissa is going to make the argument that I just need to get laid some more again reading all this. >.>;
I’ve had more vacations than most people get, let alone deserve in this year alone, for only working part of it, yet I feel less rested than when I was working full-time for over a year without a break. My vacation time while an interesting set of largely enjoyable experiences has done little to reduce the stress level that I needed it to, and I find myself wandering what part of it the furry fandom plays. The fandom is also currently my main escape from reality, although I have participated significantly less in it than before. I find myself wandering if I don’t want the military job just to get away from the fandom temporarily and return with a fresh start, and a better position to tackle it from.
This aimless rant brought to you by tossing and turning unable to sleep, and far too much freedom.