ADHD?
This is less so much of an existentialist rant as it is an attempt at a plainer behavioural/cognitive analysis of recent transpirings, and an oppurinty for me to engage in self-indulgent flashback which portrays me in a good light.
Lately particularly so today I have found myself have extreme difficulty concentrating on any one task, performing anything. It is not as usual simply putting off events but rather that I have been trying to engage myself in things only to find myself as easily distractible as a child on pixie-sticks is.
I have noticed this for a little over a month now, since early November. I did noticeably miss many classes, but even of those I went to, I had trouble focusing on anything said, or even trying to add to class discussions/take notes. My notebooks are very barren of any transpiring in November or December. In conjunction to this, I found myself developing headaches during my Methods in Social Psychology class during our computer lab sessions when I was had to program my syntax files and analyze my data/charts.
Under current conditions I am I would say unfit to make any judgments upon the cause of my attention troubles, although I shall make a few speculations, mostly the ones that are easy to rule out or disbelieve. Some of you who know me may have heard me at some time mention that when I was young I did experience petit mal epilepsy (particularly so of late if you've read Kiddo's LJ of her seizure related problems, which I still maintain are due primarily to stress more than any biological causes). Those of you whom have asked me about it briefly may have also heard that I supposedly (at least according to my mother) was experiencing what the doctors diagnosed as classical ADHD; however, due to an incompatibility of epileptic medication and Ritalin I was not prescribed any Ritalin or put on any form of treatment for my ADHD. The epileptic seizures stopped sometime shortly after turning six, so I can vaguely remember them and the medication. Concurrently my ADHD started to dissipate as soon as I was off my epilepsy medication, although it took until midway of grade 2 for my attention problems to disappear, and my marks to start climbing to the levels I enjoyed during my teen and pre-teen period.
It was believed that my ADHD was the reason for my earlier learning problems that you may have heard some mention of if you have spent too much time talking to my brother. He insists I am the reason he is useless at basic arithmetic, as he would keep quiet if any arithmetic question came up in conversation at my mom's insistence, so that I could be given the opportunity to solve it for myself. In addition, I did at first start with serious learning disadvantages compared to my peers; I only began to learn to read in Grade 1, and was still having serious troubles reading in grade 2. By grade 2, my mathematical ability spiked upward, as before I had trouble with even drawing the number "8" or performing basic addition. Also in regards to gross motor co-ordination, I only learnt to tie my shoelaces in Grade 2 (Up until that point I relied primarily on my innate cuteness, which all adored and my ability to be perceived as a perfect angel, to get help with my shoelaces). On the rare occurrences when it was needed, I took advantage of being at the time bigger and stronger than most of my peers even if I lacked co-ordination [Ask me about Luke if you would like specific details]. As you may have come to grasp, these attention deficits and learning developmental problems have more than rescinded, up until recently.
I bring this up because I am starting to question whether my untreated, but undeniable ADHD is somehow resurfacing after more than 13 years of being gone. I realize this sounds exceedingly unlikely, given the natural course of ADHD.
The second speculative Hypothesis is that during my recent university years if I have missed a class or experienced a depressive episode it has been in either November or February, primarily February. While this does not account for the past 2 weeks or so, it would account for November's events, and is further enhanced that marks from December based assignments returned were better than those of November based assignments returned. Although this opens up to concern of why should my depression, lethargy and cognition be more suspect seasonally, certainly I admit November is prone to early sunset and late risings, however so is January and December and I hardly think the proximity to Christmas accounts for my performance in January.
My third hypothesis is that it may be due to my prolonged lack of association to school, in the last 2 years I have felt a burgeoning desire to quit my schooling because I have little interest left for studying or listening to lectures. This seems the most likely of the hypotheses I have however it is somewhat countermanded by the fact that I chose classes with little lecture material or examinable content. My courses have relied primarily on my own research and my ability to think on my feet in seminar format.
The fourth hypothesis is this is somehow the product of my conflicted desire to be a kid again, which has both tolerable and, more disturbing side effects. My brain is perhaps rebelling against my attempted transcendence over basic human limitations of the psychosocial level, which has allowed me to be less emotional in my decisions and attempted to rationalize answers to any problems people have brought to me. These problems I have answered in increasing depth of perception into the etiology of the problems and the possible treatment options.
Given this hypothesis and my recognition of it I'm almost in part happy to a slight extent that my brain is doing so, although I admit I would distinctly prefer it to hold out on doing so for a little longer, I have only one semester of electives left, and I am in my most difficult semester's final week.
The last option is that I may be overreacting as I do at times, to what may simply be a biological fluctuation of my neurotransmitters as a result of some biological happenstance, which would explain my decreased appetite and forgetting to eat for periods as long as 38 hours.
Feel free to analyze this anyway you wish, comments are appreciated in general, although I am despite how it may appear not looking for pity or accolades of my accomplishment over adversity. For those in the know about my 4th hypothesis feel free to contact me if you want more in depth commentary of the daydreaming/aberrant ideas disrupting my attention, although please try to keep it to a minimum until I arrive in Vancouver on Friday. Much as I would prefer to, I will not be contacting any of you, to point this entry out; I leave it at your discretion to find and comment upon this.
Lately particularly so today I have found myself have extreme difficulty concentrating on any one task, performing anything. It is not as usual simply putting off events but rather that I have been trying to engage myself in things only to find myself as easily distractible as a child on pixie-sticks is.
I have noticed this for a little over a month now, since early November. I did noticeably miss many classes, but even of those I went to, I had trouble focusing on anything said, or even trying to add to class discussions/take notes. My notebooks are very barren of any transpiring in November or December. In conjunction to this, I found myself developing headaches during my Methods in Social Psychology class during our computer lab sessions when I was had to program my syntax files and analyze my data/charts.
Under current conditions I am I would say unfit to make any judgments upon the cause of my attention troubles, although I shall make a few speculations, mostly the ones that are easy to rule out or disbelieve. Some of you who know me may have heard me at some time mention that when I was young I did experience petit mal epilepsy (particularly so of late if you've read Kiddo's LJ of her seizure related problems, which I still maintain are due primarily to stress more than any biological causes). Those of you whom have asked me about it briefly may have also heard that I supposedly (at least according to my mother) was experiencing what the doctors diagnosed as classical ADHD; however, due to an incompatibility of epileptic medication and Ritalin I was not prescribed any Ritalin or put on any form of treatment for my ADHD. The epileptic seizures stopped sometime shortly after turning six, so I can vaguely remember them and the medication. Concurrently my ADHD started to dissipate as soon as I was off my epilepsy medication, although it took until midway of grade 2 for my attention problems to disappear, and my marks to start climbing to the levels I enjoyed during my teen and pre-teen period.
It was believed that my ADHD was the reason for my earlier learning problems that you may have heard some mention of if you have spent too much time talking to my brother. He insists I am the reason he is useless at basic arithmetic, as he would keep quiet if any arithmetic question came up in conversation at my mom's insistence, so that I could be given the opportunity to solve it for myself. In addition, I did at first start with serious learning disadvantages compared to my peers; I only began to learn to read in Grade 1, and was still having serious troubles reading in grade 2. By grade 2, my mathematical ability spiked upward, as before I had trouble with even drawing the number "8" or performing basic addition. Also in regards to gross motor co-ordination, I only learnt to tie my shoelaces in Grade 2 (Up until that point I relied primarily on my innate cuteness, which all adored and my ability to be perceived as a perfect angel, to get help with my shoelaces). On the rare occurrences when it was needed, I took advantage of being at the time bigger and stronger than most of my peers even if I lacked co-ordination [Ask me about Luke if you would like specific details]. As you may have come to grasp, these attention deficits and learning developmental problems have more than rescinded, up until recently.
I bring this up because I am starting to question whether my untreated, but undeniable ADHD is somehow resurfacing after more than 13 years of being gone. I realize this sounds exceedingly unlikely, given the natural course of ADHD.
The second speculative Hypothesis is that during my recent university years if I have missed a class or experienced a depressive episode it has been in either November or February, primarily February. While this does not account for the past 2 weeks or so, it would account for November's events, and is further enhanced that marks from December based assignments returned were better than those of November based assignments returned. Although this opens up to concern of why should my depression, lethargy and cognition be more suspect seasonally, certainly I admit November is prone to early sunset and late risings, however so is January and December and I hardly think the proximity to Christmas accounts for my performance in January.
My third hypothesis is that it may be due to my prolonged lack of association to school, in the last 2 years I have felt a burgeoning desire to quit my schooling because I have little interest left for studying or listening to lectures. This seems the most likely of the hypotheses I have however it is somewhat countermanded by the fact that I chose classes with little lecture material or examinable content. My courses have relied primarily on my own research and my ability to think on my feet in seminar format.
The fourth hypothesis is this is somehow the product of my conflicted desire to be a kid again, which has both tolerable and, more disturbing side effects. My brain is perhaps rebelling against my attempted transcendence over basic human limitations of the psychosocial level, which has allowed me to be less emotional in my decisions and attempted to rationalize answers to any problems people have brought to me. These problems I have answered in increasing depth of perception into the etiology of the problems and the possible treatment options.
Given this hypothesis and my recognition of it I'm almost in part happy to a slight extent that my brain is doing so, although I admit I would distinctly prefer it to hold out on doing so for a little longer, I have only one semester of electives left, and I am in my most difficult semester's final week.
The last option is that I may be overreacting as I do at times, to what may simply be a biological fluctuation of my neurotransmitters as a result of some biological happenstance, which would explain my decreased appetite and forgetting to eat for periods as long as 38 hours.
Feel free to analyze this anyway you wish, comments are appreciated in general, although I am despite how it may appear not looking for pity or accolades of my accomplishment over adversity. For those in the know about my 4th hypothesis feel free to contact me if you want more in depth commentary of the daydreaming/aberrant ideas disrupting my attention, although please try to keep it to a minimum until I arrive in Vancouver on Friday. Much as I would prefer to, I will not be contacting any of you, to point this entry out; I leave it at your discretion to find and comment upon this.