An Ultimatum put at my feet
It seems I have a nose for smelling trouble brewing. Truthfully I was moody all yesterday but hid it well, and nothing felt right. And I can definitely say the day did not go well. I tried under the circumstances to stay as calm and patient with people as possible. So hard in the evening that I literally bit down on my tongue to silence myself. Hard. I'm surprised I didn't draw blood.
I wake up in the morning and find my girlfriend has had her two main Neopets accounts frozen, and thus will be unhappy in the evening. (Although she I have to say recovered well with the help of Fruits Basket) Then the day progresses on. Riku is sick as all hell, running a 101.5F fever and having her mom make her WALK to school. So she's not doing well and is somewhat unhappy about her family situation. Later on in the day, getting into afternoon I find Raven is quite moody herself, I confront her about it, and she shrugs it off as being moody and goes for an afternoon nap after babysitting her siblings afterschool most of the day. Then later I warn her I'm going out to "celebrate" and may consume some alcohol. This starts a long argument with her which struck a few nerves on me, which on their own I would have shrugged off in half an hour afterwards.
The brief explanation is that due to Raven's own family life (extended) she loathes alcohol with a passion and considers it evil; when ultimately alcohol itself is not evil, it's only the irresponsibility and evilness of the consumers which are. Same principal applies to guns and swords. I try to explain this to her, and she gets really pissed off at me. I eventually smooth things over a bit and even promise not to drink (And I keep my promises gdammit!).
Well as I'm finishing off telling her I'm leaving to go out my brother calls to tell me we're leaving now. I call out just a moment; and literally in not more than the time it takes me to type 2 words my mom calls again in an impatient tone. This considering I'm just coming out of an argument with Raven sets me off and I yell back that I said I was coming in a moment. And then by the time I sign off and dash there my mom is angry and lets me have it with the yelling at me right there.
I *calmly* explain to her it was a mere 15 seconds, it's not that much of a deal, and I get more worked up as she continues about it on the walk to the car and in the car.
Then there's a 10 minute break driving outwards, and I spend it staring out the window thinking of anywhere but where I am, namely of raven and friends. And she offers everybody a peppermint and I politely decline in an -absolutely- neutral voice that surprised even myself "No thank you." Then she goes off at me again and that I shouldn't be sulking, and she yells louder than she's ever yelled before. This would be the point when I bit down on my tongue and shut my eyes to hold back half the stuff I could have said. And especially when she starts going on about how I shouldn't yell at her like that, and that I only have one mother and I'll regret these days when she's gone. And that I should stop treating her like a piece of shit.
Well if you've read far back in my LJ you'll know there's a massive post there describing my family. And my mom who treats *everybody* like shit. Myself definitely included, and probably among the worst, if not *thee* worst.
She also takes the time to criticize my lack of patience which is something I should be learning in Psychology. Right... I've had more patience with her in one night than she has *ever* had with me. And I resent all her assumptions on everything. She knows nothing about psychology at all, and I have tried explaining it to her thick skull, that the crap they teach us in classes doesn't pertain to ANY of this. All I've learnt really so far is how to design and layout the formal paperwork for applying for reserach grants, makes proposals and sending out my findings to the scientific world, plus a tiny bit of neurology in understanding the effects on the human brain from various drugs. Biology in otherwords.
And yes there are a million other assumptions she makes about me that I feel quite slighted by. But I always shut up and take what she dishes out for the others who need her >>
This continues on at the restaurant, where I make a good attempt at drowning my troubles in pepsi as if were alcoholic. I even end up staring off so blankly I come to with the realization that it took my eyes most of a minute to readjust and actually be able to see the iceblocks in my drink instead of just blurs of color.
My mom trying a different approach seeing that I'm definitely moody myself has me come over next to her without explaining, and gives me a hug then her sweetest smooth talk of I love you, blah. If you do woman, prove it, and stop making me want to hate you. I refuse to hate a person, but you're doing a good job of making me want to hate you, my own mother.
Dinner then progresses a bit smoother as we all lose ourself in absolutely random conversation, mostly of my mom's choice talking about stuff she saw in "Ripley's believe it or not"; whoop de doo a guy stuck a 32 inch lightsaber in his mouth. Swordswallowers as I explained have been doing worse since the Dark Ages, some of them were known to stick 5 foot swords down their throats, and that's a sharp object, not a piece of plastic.
We then go off to pick up some stuff from my brother's work, and then pick up his girlfriend from her house. Then come home.
So Robin and his gf go off downstairs, and Mom and Dad do their own thing and I come back online, like I am now.
After awhile Dad says goodnight and goes off... I wait and go back to playing my game waiting for mom to come and say goodnight. An hour later I realize she hasn't, my door is still open and my music is still loud. So I close my door and turn down my music so they can sleep. And hour after that mom comes into my room and confronts me. And this is where the ultimatum comes in.
Apparently unless I change my attitude within 24 hours and stop treating her like shit she is moving out. Cue some more yelling and complaining at me. And going on and on about the few things I don't do. I occassionally don't unload the dishwasher while she's away at work, and usually she just calls me after she gets back, yells at me and I unload it. And then the only other thing... I haven't changed my bedsheets in about a month despite being told repeatedly too. NONE of that in my opinion is even a tenth of as bad as a normal teenager, or a person my age. My brother does FAR worse. Maybe I'd understand if mom was just bitching about me not having a job; that I can somewhat understand and have been trying to find, although not as actively as I should. I admit I've only tried applying at a handful of places, all of which turned me down.
No as I'll explain and some astute people may guess; she's done stuff like this before. And she has tried to leave. More often than not I've had to be the one to stop her because I can think on my feet. Which is usually just slamming the door shut as soon as she grabs the handle and keeping it that way until she calms down. Either that or physically restraining her, despite attempts to hit me. Which at this point in my life, have no feeling to them anymore (her hits).
Now of course I could try the usual strategy and hope it works once again. But my very resolve to do so is breaking down. I do NOT need her, or her false love. There are a lot of people she puts down who would be happy if she dissapeared, literally. And I'm not one of those. I've done my best not to hate her, but under the circumstances even what was once a true idolized worshiping love of her despite everything has worn down to a form of neutrality. And people once wondered why I argued that doing nothing was worse than the evil itself being commited. Ultimately I'm commiting an evil in the end here, trying not to hate her, or hurt her, because I'm lacking the resolve to continue loving her at the current rate.
The problem arises in that Dad and Robin still need her, despite how she treats them. Dad and Robin although they know how to make $ roll in at rates that I wish I could, have no real idea how to fend for themselves. I swear they could not keep this place in any livable fashion. Robin can cook marginally tolerable food, but he can't do most things. He's paid me $5 just to iron his formal wear for him, because he didn't want to ruin it. Dad's no better, except when it comes to using the barbeque outside. He does a mean steak on that, I have to admit. But otherwise this place would be a war zone of dirty laudnry, mess and garbage without Mom. I live here 4 months a year, and know how to tidy it to livable standards for myself, which I set lower than mom's. The remaining 8 months a year I spend in Res living with roomies who I have occasional arguments with, but the place is kept in my idea of workable condition. Which I admit is a little messy.
And of course by the time you get this far, it's guessable what I'm gonna do. *sighs outwardly* Goddamn it, I hate it when people play me like this. Mom knows that she'd get what she want eventually if she went through the different ways to push my buttons. And thanks a lot for pushing my buttons as well last night Raven. I've mentioned how chibi faces can really be used to get me anywhere. It sounds crazy but I do literally twitch when somebody does something like that. You should see how bad I get when somebody outwardly starts crying. I give in to just about anything they want to get them to stop. Newsflash, yelling and being angry at me also works, and hurts even more. Thank you for being like my mother for a couple hours, please NEVER do that again. Next time I won't bother to argue or defend myself and my position anymore, I'll just nod and give in because your friendship means that much to me. And yeah somebody who's got a mouth to them might thinks this statement hypocritical, well stow it until you understand and have spent some tiem getting to know me.
God, I am so going to be putting on the forced happy, everything's A ok smile tomorrow. If I said half the stuff I thought, I think mom just might leave. I think it'd be good for her though and her very high and mighty attitude.
I wake up in the morning and find my girlfriend has had her two main Neopets accounts frozen, and thus will be unhappy in the evening. (Although she I have to say recovered well with the help of Fruits Basket) Then the day progresses on. Riku is sick as all hell, running a 101.5F fever and having her mom make her WALK to school. So she's not doing well and is somewhat unhappy about her family situation. Later on in the day, getting into afternoon I find Raven is quite moody herself, I confront her about it, and she shrugs it off as being moody and goes for an afternoon nap after babysitting her siblings afterschool most of the day. Then later I warn her I'm going out to "celebrate" and may consume some alcohol. This starts a long argument with her which struck a few nerves on me, which on their own I would have shrugged off in half an hour afterwards.
The brief explanation is that due to Raven's own family life (extended) she loathes alcohol with a passion and considers it evil; when ultimately alcohol itself is not evil, it's only the irresponsibility and evilness of the consumers which are. Same principal applies to guns and swords. I try to explain this to her, and she gets really pissed off at me. I eventually smooth things over a bit and even promise not to drink (And I keep my promises gdammit!).
Well as I'm finishing off telling her I'm leaving to go out my brother calls to tell me we're leaving now. I call out just a moment; and literally in not more than the time it takes me to type 2 words my mom calls again in an impatient tone. This considering I'm just coming out of an argument with Raven sets me off and I yell back that I said I was coming in a moment. And then by the time I sign off and dash there my mom is angry and lets me have it with the yelling at me right there.
I *calmly* explain to her it was a mere 15 seconds, it's not that much of a deal, and I get more worked up as she continues about it on the walk to the car and in the car.
Then there's a 10 minute break driving outwards, and I spend it staring out the window thinking of anywhere but where I am, namely of raven and friends. And she offers everybody a peppermint and I politely decline in an -absolutely- neutral voice that surprised even myself "No thank you." Then she goes off at me again and that I shouldn't be sulking, and she yells louder than she's ever yelled before. This would be the point when I bit down on my tongue and shut my eyes to hold back half the stuff I could have said. And especially when she starts going on about how I shouldn't yell at her like that, and that I only have one mother and I'll regret these days when she's gone. And that I should stop treating her like a piece of shit.
Well if you've read far back in my LJ you'll know there's a massive post there describing my family. And my mom who treats *everybody* like shit. Myself definitely included, and probably among the worst, if not *thee* worst.
She also takes the time to criticize my lack of patience which is something I should be learning in Psychology. Right... I've had more patience with her in one night than she has *ever* had with me. And I resent all her assumptions on everything. She knows nothing about psychology at all, and I have tried explaining it to her thick skull, that the crap they teach us in classes doesn't pertain to ANY of this. All I've learnt really so far is how to design and layout the formal paperwork for applying for reserach grants, makes proposals and sending out my findings to the scientific world, plus a tiny bit of neurology in understanding the effects on the human brain from various drugs. Biology in otherwords.
And yes there are a million other assumptions she makes about me that I feel quite slighted by. But I always shut up and take what she dishes out for the others who need her >>
This continues on at the restaurant, where I make a good attempt at drowning my troubles in pepsi as if were alcoholic. I even end up staring off so blankly I come to with the realization that it took my eyes most of a minute to readjust and actually be able to see the iceblocks in my drink instead of just blurs of color.
My mom trying a different approach seeing that I'm definitely moody myself has me come over next to her without explaining, and gives me a hug then her sweetest smooth talk of I love you, blah. If you do woman, prove it, and stop making me want to hate you. I refuse to hate a person, but you're doing a good job of making me want to hate you, my own mother.
Dinner then progresses a bit smoother as we all lose ourself in absolutely random conversation, mostly of my mom's choice talking about stuff she saw in "Ripley's believe it or not"; whoop de doo a guy stuck a 32 inch lightsaber in his mouth. Swordswallowers as I explained have been doing worse since the Dark Ages, some of them were known to stick 5 foot swords down their throats, and that's a sharp object, not a piece of plastic.
We then go off to pick up some stuff from my brother's work, and then pick up his girlfriend from her house. Then come home.
So Robin and his gf go off downstairs, and Mom and Dad do their own thing and I come back online, like I am now.
After awhile Dad says goodnight and goes off... I wait and go back to playing my game waiting for mom to come and say goodnight. An hour later I realize she hasn't, my door is still open and my music is still loud. So I close my door and turn down my music so they can sleep. And hour after that mom comes into my room and confronts me. And this is where the ultimatum comes in.
Apparently unless I change my attitude within 24 hours and stop treating her like shit she is moving out. Cue some more yelling and complaining at me. And going on and on about the few things I don't do. I occassionally don't unload the dishwasher while she's away at work, and usually she just calls me after she gets back, yells at me and I unload it. And then the only other thing... I haven't changed my bedsheets in about a month despite being told repeatedly too. NONE of that in my opinion is even a tenth of as bad as a normal teenager, or a person my age. My brother does FAR worse. Maybe I'd understand if mom was just bitching about me not having a job; that I can somewhat understand and have been trying to find, although not as actively as I should. I admit I've only tried applying at a handful of places, all of which turned me down.
No as I'll explain and some astute people may guess; she's done stuff like this before. And she has tried to leave. More often than not I've had to be the one to stop her because I can think on my feet. Which is usually just slamming the door shut as soon as she grabs the handle and keeping it that way until she calms down. Either that or physically restraining her, despite attempts to hit me. Which at this point in my life, have no feeling to them anymore (her hits).
Now of course I could try the usual strategy and hope it works once again. But my very resolve to do so is breaking down. I do NOT need her, or her false love. There are a lot of people she puts down who would be happy if she dissapeared, literally. And I'm not one of those. I've done my best not to hate her, but under the circumstances even what was once a true idolized worshiping love of her despite everything has worn down to a form of neutrality. And people once wondered why I argued that doing nothing was worse than the evil itself being commited. Ultimately I'm commiting an evil in the end here, trying not to hate her, or hurt her, because I'm lacking the resolve to continue loving her at the current rate.
The problem arises in that Dad and Robin still need her, despite how she treats them. Dad and Robin although they know how to make $ roll in at rates that I wish I could, have no real idea how to fend for themselves. I swear they could not keep this place in any livable fashion. Robin can cook marginally tolerable food, but he can't do most things. He's paid me $5 just to iron his formal wear for him, because he didn't want to ruin it. Dad's no better, except when it comes to using the barbeque outside. He does a mean steak on that, I have to admit. But otherwise this place would be a war zone of dirty laudnry, mess and garbage without Mom. I live here 4 months a year, and know how to tidy it to livable standards for myself, which I set lower than mom's. The remaining 8 months a year I spend in Res living with roomies who I have occasional arguments with, but the place is kept in my idea of workable condition. Which I admit is a little messy.
And of course by the time you get this far, it's guessable what I'm gonna do. *sighs outwardly* Goddamn it, I hate it when people play me like this. Mom knows that she'd get what she want eventually if she went through the different ways to push my buttons. And thanks a lot for pushing my buttons as well last night Raven. I've mentioned how chibi faces can really be used to get me anywhere. It sounds crazy but I do literally twitch when somebody does something like that. You should see how bad I get when somebody outwardly starts crying. I give in to just about anything they want to get them to stop. Newsflash, yelling and being angry at me also works, and hurts even more. Thank you for being like my mother for a couple hours, please NEVER do that again. Next time I won't bother to argue or defend myself and my position anymore, I'll just nod and give in because your friendship means that much to me. And yeah somebody who's got a mouth to them might thinks this statement hypocritical, well stow it until you understand and have spent some tiem getting to know me.
God, I am so going to be putting on the forced happy, everything's A ok smile tomorrow. If I said half the stuff I thought, I think mom just might leave. I think it'd be good for her though and her very high and mighty attitude.