Hell
Yeah I'm really tired...Really confused...and really in a shitty mood...and why? I have not a clue. I've been getting tons of sleep everything has been going wonderfully but I feel like something isn't right. I can't figure it out so I'm trying to ignore it. but that’s not doing any good. I was thinking a lot the other day. about my whole life and everyone in it. I thought about all the bad things in it. Like my cat and my great grandmother. well she’s kind of like my step great grandmother because really she's my step dads grandma. but to me she’s like my grandmother to she’s been the closest thing to a grandmother I’ve ever had. in fact she’s been the only one. My real grandmother doesn’t seem to care nor do I care about her. She never calls to see how I’m doing or even if I’m alive. but that’s the typically palffy family. I hate being a palffy and if I could I change my last name in an instant. Anyways being that my cat is dieing slowly but surly that takes a lot out of me. My mom got me a new cat but that does nothing for me. I mean yeah my new cat is nice and all but Louie is my cat and he always will be I can't find a replacement for him. I mean I've never been that big of a cat fan till I got Louie 8 years ago. I don’t know there’s always been something about him I really liked. now that I got this new cat she doesn’t phase me at all. when Louie goes I’m done with cats because there isn’t going to be another cat fore me. and yeah I no how incredibly stupid that sounds and yeah I no its only a cat but it really bothering me and I really love my kitty. Then there’s my grandmother...I call her Millie. Anyways things have changed so much to fastly. I mean I remember just a few years ago going to her house and she'd cook all this Italian food..yes I am very Italian and Millie is full Italian which is cool. Anyways she'd make lots of food and always have everyone over on holidays and what not. but then everything drastically changed. Millie got sick something wrong with her heart and she got put into the hospital she was there awhile. I was wondering why she wasn’t going home. then my mom finally told me she’s never going home. Millie didn't no this. She always kept saying I cant wait to go back home. Finally someone did tell her. now she’s lives in a fucking hospital and there’s nothing she can do about it. I visit her a lot usually every weekend if I can. but things are never the same. to me everyday gets harder sometimes. Then there’s my father. what isn't wrong with him. He’s an asshole with a capital A. When I was 3 my father left my mom and him split up he told her he didn't want to see me anymore maybe he would see me when I was 18. I'm not sure how old I was when my dad called. He wanted to start seeing me. I never wanted to go I dreaded every second I spend with him. When I'd go to his house it was disgusting. My mom being the clean freak she was would never let me see dirt like that. When I’d go to his house it was horrible. It was dirty. everything was a mess. the floor to the counter tops to the rugs in every room. Food would be left out. things that had fallen on the floor wouldn’t been cleaned up till days to weeks later. My dad also had rats and mice in his house. I would never go to sleep because I was scared to death to fall asleep. I would never eat there either. I hated the food, I'd only eat in the morning when I had a bowl of cereal..Food that actually looked edible. My dad eventually got a gf her name was Sonja they lasted a long time 8 years to the exact. then things fell apart Sonja was really sick a lot. My dad who was an alcoholic but then was clean for a long time started drinking again and not just a little. He'd drink a lot. Sonja would call me and tell me what had happened. The first time she called me and told me everything. she told me well she was at a doctors appointment my father had gotten piss ass drunk. SO drunk he could barely walk and when he talked he slurred his words. He started yelling at Sonja ..she was on the computer he said to her I'm going to piss on that computer its a piece of shit and a waste of electricity. She said he said other things to but she didn't mention hem it was for my ears. Then she told me one other thing he said. He told her he was going to shot himself. After that it keep going and going one day when my father was at work me and my mom went to my dads my mom talked to Sonja for a long time about my father. I was looking for the kitten when I looked under his bed I found a bottle of liquor there was only not even a drop left. I pulled it from under his bed and brought it out to the kitchen. I placed it on the table and looked up at my mom. I told her I wanted to leave now. So we did. Sonja waited till my father got home. She told him what had happened. She told him he need to stop all of this now. He said he would he got all the alcohol he had in the house and dumped it down the drain. Things were alright for a few months. but those months wet by as fast as minutes. Everything started up again then one night my dad got really drunk and everything was over with him and Sonja she called me and told me again what had happened. She said he was leaving to go live with my grandfather and grandmother. He did. He lives there now. My aunt Amy tells me everything of what she’s heard. she tells me my father sleeps all day. One month he didn’t leave his room at all except to go to the bathroom and to grab something to eat. He wouldn’t eat a the table though he would go upstairs to his room and eat. and then he'd sleep all day. I talk to my dad sometimes. I haven’t seem him in over a year. He says he's going to move to an apartment eventually when someone moves out. I hope that never happens. I'm afraid that when he does go there and leaves on his own he will end it all. He would end it all before thinking straight. As much as I hate my father I still love do love him. But my life hasn’t nearly begun and there’s going to be those important times as I get older where I’m going to need him. But I can't stop his actions. He doesn’t listen to what anyone says. So here is what I deal with everyday but I guess things could be worse. I write it all down just to repeat it over. Just to clear my mind. I never cry over it. It hurts far beyond crying. I try to never complain about it for its not to be heard. But I think about it each and everyday as it passes. This is my life and this is what was chosen for me and I can’t erase it. So I deal with it as best as I can as each day goes by. But some day I'm sure things will get better. I'm just stuck in a bad moment right now. Because nothing is going to always be alright.