Taking Notes
Confusion. My brain is so so scrambled, it's no wonder I lose thoughts, can only focus on one thing at a time, and feel a numbing sensation in my head from time to time. Whenever I figure something out, another thing comes a long and...well it makes my day :\. I believe I'm stuck in a hard place. I'm trapped with the need to grow up and the desire to hold onto what keeps my mind young: My imagination, my ability to be carefree, and the power to have fun without it having to be something a mature adult would do. So far, I have bits of my imagination, moments of being carefree (very small ones) and I still have the power to have fun. But for some reason that's been going away. I think it has to do with my inability to focus. And my common sense says that this all has to do with my overdose of distraction and lack of sleep. But I still need to grow up. I sat down with my Mom after breakfast today and told her that I feel that I've been spending way too much time in my room, and that I need to get out. When I said get out, I meant away from my room, meeting people, living life. She interpreted it as spending more time with her. I did spend a lot of time with her today, and my sister. It was pretty fun, and reminded me of old times when family was all I knew. I'll have to have another talk with her. Ooh, Crystal Caves, one of my favorite songs. :)
I played pretend with my sister today. I got all dressed up and everything. You know what? it was nice to step away from my general routine and pretend to be someone else. It was great to see such a big smile on my sister's face. We had a wonderful time. She felt more confident about job interviews, and I felt my imagination surging with a familiar sense of existence.
I planned on fixing up my bike and riding to Cottonwood today, but of course, it rained harder than it ever has the entire summer today. Power was lost to the city multiple times; the lightning kept coming. There was a loud constant rumble, not the quiet kind from cloud lightning. These bolts pounded the hell out of the ground. And my ears.
I printed out some paper work for Planeshift that I have to fax soon. While near the printer I found a pile of very old photos. Pictures of my Mom and Dad way before I was ever born. There was one photo that is not free for online discussion, but afterwards I looked in the mirror. I AM my father practically, just with more hair. All I need is a cigarette and a pair of sweats and you couldn't tell the difference. I wonder if my father was as childish as I am now.
I remember talking to him on the front porch, where we had all our big talks and hang out time. He looked at me and said "Son...Thomas I want to be honest with you. I don't think you're ready to go to college. I believe that you're not mature enough mentally to handle the world out there. There are no second chances out there, and the consequences can be brutal." I looked back at my father thoughtfully and nodded. I was pretty imature. I couldn't look most people in the face when I spoke to them. With Peter gone, I spent my time with only myself and a computer screen. I had only mustered up the bravery to express my interest in someone special to me twice, and both times I was squashed by the lack of charisma. He was right. "I want you to look into the military. When I was your age I was very much like you. I had great ideas and ambitions, but I didn't know what to do with them, who to trust, and what to avoid. I was very smart and I made the other people in my neighborhood look bad. That was a big deal in the projects, and I had to get out. The military was my ticket. I got so much more from that experience than I thought." He took a big drag of his cigarette and looked up, blowing the smoke into the sky and looking through it at the stars above. I looked up as well, spotting a plane and a helicopter instead of what I was looking for. After a moment I saw the stars, but still not what I was looking for. I realized My father was looking right at me. "Uh, so the military taught you how to be mature, right?" He smiled and shook his head. "I told you I'd never force my views onto you. I want you to grow up to be your own person. But just look into it." We talked more etc etc.
Jamie's emotions vary so dramatically from conversation to conversation. It's really throwing me in loops. I can't imagine how it felt like for her when I went through that. Well. I bet it felt a bit like the way I feel now. I really need to unlatch my state of mind and being from her. It really is true, We've changed to the point where we are complete opposites. "Opposites attract!" <-----BS. She actually doesn't love me now, like everyone has been blatantlly pointing out in my face for the past eon or so. Is pulling away from her what I want? No. She has been there for me the most. Granted, She was the only person I would ever talk to about a lot of things, but still. She listened. listens? listened. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilt for stomping her in the ground with my emotional breakdowns and moments of panic.
"Someone has shattered your dreams, and so you shatter other people's dreams. It doesn't have to be that way. Stand up for yourself."
I looked in the mirror later on and saw a hint of the mature me. The me that would get straight A's, lead his friends, cheer them up when they were down, and fight for what was right, even if it meant personal sacrifice. That's still in me. Peter showed me that. Memories of my father show me that. With my father gone, my goals and rolemodel have dissappeared. He may be in my heart and mind, but he isn't here. Now it's up to me to be me. I'm my own rolemodel. I set my own goals. Exciting.
I can't believe it's 1 already. time flies so fast when you're worried, listening to music, and blogging at the same time. I will find Peace of mind. I know I can.
Dragoshi
I played pretend with my sister today. I got all dressed up and everything. You know what? it was nice to step away from my general routine and pretend to be someone else. It was great to see such a big smile on my sister's face. We had a wonderful time. She felt more confident about job interviews, and I felt my imagination surging with a familiar sense of existence.
I planned on fixing up my bike and riding to Cottonwood today, but of course, it rained harder than it ever has the entire summer today. Power was lost to the city multiple times; the lightning kept coming. There was a loud constant rumble, not the quiet kind from cloud lightning. These bolts pounded the hell out of the ground. And my ears.
I printed out some paper work for Planeshift that I have to fax soon. While near the printer I found a pile of very old photos. Pictures of my Mom and Dad way before I was ever born. There was one photo that is not free for online discussion, but afterwards I looked in the mirror. I AM my father practically, just with more hair. All I need is a cigarette and a pair of sweats and you couldn't tell the difference. I wonder if my father was as childish as I am now.
I remember talking to him on the front porch, where we had all our big talks and hang out time. He looked at me and said "Son...Thomas I want to be honest with you. I don't think you're ready to go to college. I believe that you're not mature enough mentally to handle the world out there. There are no second chances out there, and the consequences can be brutal." I looked back at my father thoughtfully and nodded. I was pretty imature. I couldn't look most people in the face when I spoke to them. With Peter gone, I spent my time with only myself and a computer screen. I had only mustered up the bravery to express my interest in someone special to me twice, and both times I was squashed by the lack of charisma. He was right. "I want you to look into the military. When I was your age I was very much like you. I had great ideas and ambitions, but I didn't know what to do with them, who to trust, and what to avoid. I was very smart and I made the other people in my neighborhood look bad. That was a big deal in the projects, and I had to get out. The military was my ticket. I got so much more from that experience than I thought." He took a big drag of his cigarette and looked up, blowing the smoke into the sky and looking through it at the stars above. I looked up as well, spotting a plane and a helicopter instead of what I was looking for. After a moment I saw the stars, but still not what I was looking for. I realized My father was looking right at me. "Uh, so the military taught you how to be mature, right?" He smiled and shook his head. "I told you I'd never force my views onto you. I want you to grow up to be your own person. But just look into it." We talked more etc etc.
Jamie's emotions vary so dramatically from conversation to conversation. It's really throwing me in loops. I can't imagine how it felt like for her when I went through that. Well. I bet it felt a bit like the way I feel now. I really need to unlatch my state of mind and being from her. It really is true, We've changed to the point where we are complete opposites. "Opposites attract!" <-----BS. She actually doesn't love me now, like everyone has been blatantlly pointing out in my face for the past eon or so. Is pulling away from her what I want? No. She has been there for me the most. Granted, She was the only person I would ever talk to about a lot of things, but still. She listened. listens? listened. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilt for stomping her in the ground with my emotional breakdowns and moments of panic.
"Someone has shattered your dreams, and so you shatter other people's dreams. It doesn't have to be that way. Stand up for yourself."
I looked in the mirror later on and saw a hint of the mature me. The me that would get straight A's, lead his friends, cheer them up when they were down, and fight for what was right, even if it meant personal sacrifice. That's still in me. Peter showed me that. Memories of my father show me that. With my father gone, my goals and rolemodel have dissappeared. He may be in my heart and mind, but he isn't here. Now it's up to me to be me. I'm my own rolemodel. I set my own goals. Exciting.
I can't believe it's 1 already. time flies so fast when you're worried, listening to music, and blogging at the same time. I will find Peace of mind. I know I can.
Dragoshi