Ha Ha Bob. Ha Ha.
somebody pointed out to me that i've been doing a lot of crying lately. 'tis very true, i have, and that made me think about why i've been so down lately. so, off i go on another ramble about myself...
first of all, i cry about everything. when my mom told me she wanted to give away my bunny, i cried. whenever i watch the lion king, i cry. i cry when i'm happy, i cry when i'm sad, i cry when i'm angry, and i cry a lot more when it's that time of month.
for the past 2-3 months, i've been having huge rifts with my mother. huge. bigger than huge. everything i do or say or think is wrong to her. i was having these with my dad too, but my dad's easier to make up with. the crying i've been doing for the past 2 weeks or so has been because every single day, my mother somehow ends up making me feel like i've disappointed her. i'm not a good daughter. i can't do anything right. every single day, she tells me something i really don't want to hear. so i cry. i can't do anything else. and i don't know how to fix it.
then, there's the problem of my marks. my marks last semester were the lowest they've ever been. last semester was the first time i actually prayed i would get at least a 90 in a course. i slacked off at the beginning of the semester, and it came back to bite me in the rear because at the end of the semester, i was so stressed that i would cry myself to sleep every night. (i'd then wake up half an hour later and stay up the rest of the night, but watever...)
because of this fear of low marks comes this fear of universities. i don't know whether or not i'll actually get accepted into the programs that i want. if i can't get into at least mac arts and science, i won't even want to go to university. i'm not interested in going into any other program. if i get into montreal, i'll be extremely happy, but that seems highly unlikely at the moment. my next choice would probably be toronto (after mac) for international relations, but i don't want to do international relations. i wanna do arts and science. blah.
then, there's the fact that this is my last semester of high school. this has been at the back of my mind since the beginning of the year. people will leave and i'll miss everyone. plus, i don't want to grow up. growing up means getting a job, living by yourself, and facing the world, all of which i'm completely not ready to do. i'm a spoiled immature brat who can't do squat without her mommy.even though her mommy hates her guts. ugh.
this whole situation with the parents is getting really bad. every single day, it gets worse. every single day. and this is one thing i'm not comfortable talking about. i don't care if people know that i cry, i usually tell people anything and everything about my personal life, because i feel like i have nothing to hide. but parents are different. even when i do complain about my parents (and i know i complain abt my parents a lot), i don't tell people the whole story. i can't. so i cry. like i said, what else can i do?
otherwise, my crying has really no meaning. i'm not really that unhappy. don't have boy problems, don't have friend problems, don't have suicidal tendencies, don't have a terminal disease, i'm not really that emo. i'm actually doing quite well, and in fact, today, i went to the mall with my mommy and we had fun. soooo... in conclusion, when i say i've been crying, it doesn't mean i'm horribly depressed. and it shouldn't make anyone feel like it's someone's fault or that they need to make it better. i think i'm strong enough to admit when i cry, and i should be strong enough to shut up myself.
in other news, i got my formal dress. it's really really simple. i got earrings and a necklace too. they make me happy :D. i don't have shoes, i'm going to have to do something about that. anyone up for a late bday present?? lol.