There is a Hole in the World.
I haven't posted in about 18 months. What has happened in the interim is simply to massive, too emotional and too difficult to manage to put into one single LJ entry. I stopped blogging here when I really got into Facebook. I am beginning to think that the M&M like instant gratification, while fun, was not necessarily the best way for me to connect and express. What has happened to my life doesn't fit very well into little sound bites, it is diminished by the brevity. I used to relish words and writing. I used to come to LJ and work at making my emotions, thoughts and life into cogent prose. I used to be able to put down on virtual paper all the things I didn't want to spew out of my mouth as vitriol. I used to feel better for writing here. Right now, I don't know what I am feeling. I don't know if this will help, but it used to.
My mom died.
Her health deteriorated no matter what I did, no matter what WE tried. She spent 27 days in the hospital, came home the day before Christmas Eve and died on the 26th of December. I literally have no idea how to function at this point. My life has revolved around taking care of my family and now there is no one left to take care of. She was peaceful at the end, she saw her sister, embraced her and just never woke up. Her body gave out, her spirit gave up and I very nearly hate her for that. I am so fucking ANGRY at her for giving up and so bloody guilty and selfish for wanting her to stay when she was fucking miserable. She was ready, I fucking WAS NOT.
I keep going back to an episode of Angel.....There's a hole in the world.
That is what I feel like, there is a great gaping hole in my world. A big black hole whose gravity should be pulling everyone who knew mom and loved her into it's well, but I am nearly alone on the edge of it. It should be obvious to everyone and it just fucking ISN'T. My sister goes on with little league and work and complaining that I don't have a job. My cousins barely cared enough to show up to the funeral and have not bothered to speak to me since. The ONLY person who seems as gutted as I am is Barbara, and I would have sworn she would wear a red dress and dance on the grave. She is the only other person, besides me, who seems to think that the giant gaping chasm in reality should be NOTICED by someone other than US. The world is supposed to stop when the hole is that big....but the reality is that to others, the hole in the world isn't there. They have their own.
I know others grieve deeply, I truly do, but everyone keeps telling me to hurry up, get a job, move on and stop being a burden.
Get a life.
I had a life, the center of it died. My best friend, constant companion and greatest frustration, DIED. Everything I have done for the past 2 1/2 years, everything my life has revolved around since I can remember is DEAD. It hasn't even been 2 months. Maybe it is selfish, maybe it is immature or fearful or any number of unattractive and useless things, but I don't know HOW to keep going at this point. I eat, sleep, wash and try to remember that I am 35 and likely have a good 50 years ahead of me. I don't want to die, I am GOING to live, I just don't know if I can reinvent myself this quickly. And while everyone prodding me is likely their way of trying to help, it just feels like being poked with sticks.
I don't know that anyone reads my LJ anymore, or if they do, will be appreciative that my first post back is like this, but I am either going to have to get this out in one way or another, or I will likely destroy the good things I DO have left.
So I am back. I am going to pour out into this virtual paper whatever immensity is inside of me until it is diminished enough for me to function like a human being again.
My mom died.
Her health deteriorated no matter what I did, no matter what WE tried. She spent 27 days in the hospital, came home the day before Christmas Eve and died on the 26th of December. I literally have no idea how to function at this point. My life has revolved around taking care of my family and now there is no one left to take care of. She was peaceful at the end, she saw her sister, embraced her and just never woke up. Her body gave out, her spirit gave up and I very nearly hate her for that. I am so fucking ANGRY at her for giving up and so bloody guilty and selfish for wanting her to stay when she was fucking miserable. She was ready, I fucking WAS NOT.
I keep going back to an episode of Angel.....There's a hole in the world.
That is what I feel like, there is a great gaping hole in my world. A big black hole whose gravity should be pulling everyone who knew mom and loved her into it's well, but I am nearly alone on the edge of it. It should be obvious to everyone and it just fucking ISN'T. My sister goes on with little league and work and complaining that I don't have a job. My cousins barely cared enough to show up to the funeral and have not bothered to speak to me since. The ONLY person who seems as gutted as I am is Barbara, and I would have sworn she would wear a red dress and dance on the grave. She is the only other person, besides me, who seems to think that the giant gaping chasm in reality should be NOTICED by someone other than US. The world is supposed to stop when the hole is that big....but the reality is that to others, the hole in the world isn't there. They have their own.
I know others grieve deeply, I truly do, but everyone keeps telling me to hurry up, get a job, move on and stop being a burden.
Get a life.
I had a life, the center of it died. My best friend, constant companion and greatest frustration, DIED. Everything I have done for the past 2 1/2 years, everything my life has revolved around since I can remember is DEAD. It hasn't even been 2 months. Maybe it is selfish, maybe it is immature or fearful or any number of unattractive and useless things, but I don't know HOW to keep going at this point. I eat, sleep, wash and try to remember that I am 35 and likely have a good 50 years ahead of me. I don't want to die, I am GOING to live, I just don't know if I can reinvent myself this quickly. And while everyone prodding me is likely their way of trying to help, it just feels like being poked with sticks.
I don't know that anyone reads my LJ anymore, or if they do, will be appreciative that my first post back is like this, but I am either going to have to get this out in one way or another, or I will likely destroy the good things I DO have left.
So I am back. I am going to pour out into this virtual paper whatever immensity is inside of me until it is diminished enough for me to function like a human being again.