To: Everyone
I have recently, and without comment drastically reduced my friends list. If I've removed you, none of it is because I didn't like you. I removed a lot of people I really feel a sincere attachment to. Which is weird, cause I always thought computer friendships were weird. Mostly, I needed to change something ASAP cause I was going downhill fast and this seemed to be it for the following reasons. I'm seriously surprised at the number of you who noticed so quickly. It'd probably take me a month to start wondering where someone went because people disappear for a while and come back all the time. Plus some of you never comment so I'm really surprised you noticed.
The sudden break was me needing to do something to get myself out of my head and back into life. I recognized some things going on during all this life-stress and realized that I really didn't want to fall into the old depression trap of retreating into my head and spending hours on the computer. I refuse to go back to that isolated depression break up or not. I have enough trouble trying not to "zone out" long enough to enjoy the real world and get all my work done. Basically, I needed to spend less time on LJ and reducing my friend's list is the best way for me to do that. Maybe the only way. It's easy enough to say, "just don't spend so much time on LJ." but it doesn't work that way for me. I needed to do this FOR ME, not as an action against any one of you. Everyone was hard to remove because I like you all so much. So please forgive me if I gave the wrong impression. I just didn't have the time, energy, or access to sit down and write this. Most (all?) of you have like 50-500 people on your friend's list and I have no clue how you do it.
If you're still feeling slighted please don't. I cut a couple of my oldest friends on LJ. People who actually read the FIRST entries of my LAST journal two and a half years ago. These cuts were the most difficult but we've grown apart and I think you know that. Most of those friendships were made in the worst stages of my ED and I am not that person any more. My life changes dramaticly on a frequent basis and needs my attention. Detroit, Minnesota, Iowa, boyfriend or no, sickness or health... The drastic onset of this action is a reflection of the quick changes I experience daily and my urgent need to find more effective ways to stay focused on my studies. Boards are coming up again and I've just lost two months of learning. Plus we start later than other schools so I feel like I'm 4 months behind! It's time for me to get serious fast. Someday, I'm going to have to be the doctor. I'm going to have to run a code and save someone's life. That day is only a year away and I have about 9 million things to learn between now and then.
In case you've missed it, here are the sources of this week's stress.
The worst period I've had in years accompanied by PMS from hell.
Broken car, computer, and rice cooker.
Recent break up with boyfriend who I've just seen for the first time a week ago.
The need to move around from place to place every month or so.
A return to school after a two month break and a long sickness.
Having three people say they'll write me a recommendation but not having any of in hand.
I have two tests to schedule on rotations I did months ago but didn't take the tests due to illness.
Broken favorite sex toy and all my other one's at Matt's still cause I keep forgetting to pick them up.
Needing to schedule rotations asap and start writing my applications to residency programs.
Having all my close friends and family scattered in different states no more than two to a city. (OR, CA, IA, MN, SC, AZ, NM, IL, MI, MO, CO)
My life is hella stressful and my future patients and I don't have the kind of time it takes for my old poor coping skills to work themselves out. It's time for a change. A big change. An aggressive move forward. I apologize for not saying anything sooner, but this weekend I felt myself swirling down fast and this was the best way I had to stop and feel myself gain forward momentum again. The only way I could think of doing this was to cut myself off from the past in a big way.
If you still have further questions/comments I promise to respond to any comments.
With much sadness and love,
karen
PS I forget on a regular basis to make my entries "friend's only" so if you really want to stay in touch on a much less frequent but not non-existant basis, I'm sure you'll be able to read a lot of my entries in the future.
The sudden break was me needing to do something to get myself out of my head and back into life. I recognized some things going on during all this life-stress and realized that I really didn't want to fall into the old depression trap of retreating into my head and spending hours on the computer. I refuse to go back to that isolated depression break up or not. I have enough trouble trying not to "zone out" long enough to enjoy the real world and get all my work done. Basically, I needed to spend less time on LJ and reducing my friend's list is the best way for me to do that. Maybe the only way. It's easy enough to say, "just don't spend so much time on LJ." but it doesn't work that way for me. I needed to do this FOR ME, not as an action against any one of you. Everyone was hard to remove because I like you all so much. So please forgive me if I gave the wrong impression. I just didn't have the time, energy, or access to sit down and write this. Most (all?) of you have like 50-500 people on your friend's list and I have no clue how you do it.
If you're still feeling slighted please don't. I cut a couple of my oldest friends on LJ. People who actually read the FIRST entries of my LAST journal two and a half years ago. These cuts were the most difficult but we've grown apart and I think you know that. Most of those friendships were made in the worst stages of my ED and I am not that person any more. My life changes dramaticly on a frequent basis and needs my attention. Detroit, Minnesota, Iowa, boyfriend or no, sickness or health... The drastic onset of this action is a reflection of the quick changes I experience daily and my urgent need to find more effective ways to stay focused on my studies. Boards are coming up again and I've just lost two months of learning. Plus we start later than other schools so I feel like I'm 4 months behind! It's time for me to get serious fast. Someday, I'm going to have to be the doctor. I'm going to have to run a code and save someone's life. That day is only a year away and I have about 9 million things to learn between now and then.
In case you've missed it, here are the sources of this week's stress.
The worst period I've had in years accompanied by PMS from hell.
Broken car, computer, and rice cooker.
Recent break up with boyfriend who I've just seen for the first time a week ago.
The need to move around from place to place every month or so.
A return to school after a two month break and a long sickness.
Having three people say they'll write me a recommendation but not having any of in hand.
I have two tests to schedule on rotations I did months ago but didn't take the tests due to illness.
Broken favorite sex toy and all my other one's at Matt's still cause I keep forgetting to pick them up.
Needing to schedule rotations asap and start writing my applications to residency programs.
Having all my close friends and family scattered in different states no more than two to a city. (OR, CA, IA, MN, SC, AZ, NM, IL, MI, MO, CO)
My life is hella stressful and my future patients and I don't have the kind of time it takes for my old poor coping skills to work themselves out. It's time for a change. A big change. An aggressive move forward. I apologize for not saying anything sooner, but this weekend I felt myself swirling down fast and this was the best way I had to stop and feel myself gain forward momentum again. The only way I could think of doing this was to cut myself off from the past in a big way.
If you still have further questions/comments I promise to respond to any comments.
With much sadness and love,
karen
PS I forget on a regular basis to make my entries "friend's only" so if you really want to stay in touch on a much less frequent but not non-existant basis, I'm sure you'll be able to read a lot of my entries in the future.