'Billy No Mates'
You know when you think that you're one way, then you find out that actually your personality might be a bit different than you thought?
Or rather, you've always been like that, but you never much realised?
For example. I always thought I was quite neat. Now I actually realise I'm a bit of a slob. A slob with limits and pride, mind, but still a bit of a slob.
Now I also realise that I'm actually quite a loner.
I mean, I thought I was a people person because I'm friendly and I get along with people and the few friends I know most of all are very very close and I've got a fantastic close and loving relationship with my immediate family (especially my sister)... But then I realise that I actually prefer my own company.
I love having people around to chat to in that I love just chilling and spending time with them. But at the same time I always want to have somewhere to retreat to, and I'm quite territorial about having my own space when I want it any time I want it.
For example. I can't imagine never having any time to myself and being constantly in the pockets of another person in a relationship. I can adore spending time with someone but I still need little breaks to myself - just some downtime Not to get away from them, just because I need my own space.
You know that pink song 'leave me alone i'm lonely'? That was totally my last relationship. Seriously. And I adored that guy so much. he was (is) still one of my best friends. But the idea of spending 24/7 with even him, who I adored above everyone else while I was with him, seemed impossible to me. Same goes for my family. I adore them more than life itself but I can't spend 24/7 with them. I need to do my own thing.
So I realised that my dream at the moment is to have a job where i can afford my own little shitty flat, that is completely mine and I'm on my own (probably with a cat) and it can be a base i can go off and meet people and spend time with people from. But when i touch down it's 100% MINE and I can be alone and content with my art or writing or Tv or reading or the internet or whatever.
Just the idea of snuggling up in my own little haven is wonderful.
Of course I'd get lonely sometimes, that's why I'd go out and spend time with my friends and family and (hopefully) boyfriend.
But I'd have my own little spot to feel proud of and to make my own completely. I'd feel at peace there.
Maybe I just like being in my own little imaginary world. I'm honestly daydreaming 60-70% (at least) of the time in my life. And I love that when I'm alone I can be 100% myself. Whether than means singing, talking to myself, walking around in my underwear, watching exactly what I want on the telly, painting, snuggling up with a good book - whatever. Hell, even having my own personal toilet would be nice. Or not having to wrestle people for the hair conditioner. -haha
So yep. I ache for my own little crappy flat. That's my dream.
Many people dream of posh houses or posh cars.
I dream for a crappy little flat one or two floors up, where i can light candles whenever I want. (we're not allowed to at home. LOL)
So yep. I ave admitted to myself that I'm a loner at heart.
But a loner who loves people. If that's possible.
Basically I'm like: "I prefer my own company, but it's nothing personal. you guys are still awesome, and I'll revel in your awesomeness in a few hours. But until then, let me be."
XD
Is this a positive thing or a negative thing I wonder?
