Someday...
It has long been my standing mantra… Someday… someday I will find a man who loves me even before I realize how much I love him, someday I will find a man who wants to hold me more then he wants to be held, someday I will find a man who understands at least parts of my mind without me having to explain again and again, someday that man will hold me tight because he wants to and not because I asked him too, that man will reach over and brush my face with his finger tips, looking deep into my eyes and smile not having to say a word… there where times when I thought that someday would never come and times when I thought and hoped it had only to be disappointed and left alone saying someday… someday… again…
Well that someday still hasn’t come… in a way it has I have found that man, the man who thought about me long before I did him, the man that loves me and can and did do all of those things… but nothing will come of it and I fear worse then anything right now that nothing ever will…
Life as usual is complicated, and as usual I am made to put on a smiling face of strength and comfort though all I want to do is cry, cry and be held by that man. I went from being liked by no one to being cared about by two great men but only one whom I love and loves me… the other thinks that he loves me and he is best friends with the first, and so I and we have agreed it is best for everyone that we are just friends, no more and no less… and yet I see him and I smell him, and I brush against his skin and talk long with him on the all to rare times we are alone and I hate this agreement even as I smile and tell everyone it is ok, that I am fine and that it is for the best, for it really is for the best… for them… mean wile I get brushes and hugs and touches from the man whom I care for but do not love wile the man I want looks on and I look back both wanting to reach over to hold and to kiss but unable to for the acwardness and the pain it would cause the other man.
It is another time when my eyes burn for the unshed tears… but again I think I am over reacting, I still have him, he is there and he still loves me, he tells me so when we are alone even if I have to reach out to touch him before he reaches out to me so he does not loose control and hold me to tight to let go. But that only hurts all the more I think… to know that he loves me and to finally know that I love him, to both want to hold and be held and to just sit in conferrable silence wrapped in each others eyes but are unable to… so close and yet so far away… and so I continue to chant, someday, someday… someday I will be able to kiss him again and someday he will hold me and not let go…
Well that someday still hasn’t come… in a way it has I have found that man, the man who thought about me long before I did him, the man that loves me and can and did do all of those things… but nothing will come of it and I fear worse then anything right now that nothing ever will…
Life as usual is complicated, and as usual I am made to put on a smiling face of strength and comfort though all I want to do is cry, cry and be held by that man. I went from being liked by no one to being cared about by two great men but only one whom I love and loves me… the other thinks that he loves me and he is best friends with the first, and so I and we have agreed it is best for everyone that we are just friends, no more and no less… and yet I see him and I smell him, and I brush against his skin and talk long with him on the all to rare times we are alone and I hate this agreement even as I smile and tell everyone it is ok, that I am fine and that it is for the best, for it really is for the best… for them… mean wile I get brushes and hugs and touches from the man whom I care for but do not love wile the man I want looks on and I look back both wanting to reach over to hold and to kiss but unable to for the acwardness and the pain it would cause the other man.
It is another time when my eyes burn for the unshed tears… but again I think I am over reacting, I still have him, he is there and he still loves me, he tells me so when we are alone even if I have to reach out to touch him before he reaches out to me so he does not loose control and hold me to tight to let go. But that only hurts all the more I think… to know that he loves me and to finally know that I love him, to both want to hold and be held and to just sit in conferrable silence wrapped in each others eyes but are unable to… so close and yet so far away… and so I continue to chant, someday, someday… someday I will be able to kiss him again and someday he will hold me and not let go…