Church politics: or, how being "the nice guy" can be a bad thing
This past Sunday morning was quite an emotional day in the life of our church. Our lead pastor preached his last sermon that day. Unfortunately my husband could not be in church during service for this event because my husband is the youth director, and he, along with the youth group and several adult volunteers, was leaving on a mission trip well before even the first service was to begin.
I have to say that our lead pastor has been Dear Husband's greatest ally these past couple of years. Youth directors have a tough job: no one is ever happy with them. I mean NEVER. The kids are never happy because they're kids, that's just their baseline; the parents are never happy because they never feel the curriculum is up to their "standard" or whatever; the older adults in the church look upon the youth with a jaundiced eye because they always think the youth are too noisy, loud, annoying, or lazy; and the parents of small children are horrified by teenagers because they're worried those slouchy, attitude-dealing kids will be a negative influence on their little ones (little do they realize that their precious little angels will actually become one of those attitudinous teenagers in just a few short years - and there's not a damn thing they can do about it!). So for my husband, losing his one major ally - our lead pastor - is serious.
In addition to a main pastor we also have an associate pastor. The AP is appointed by the bishop. Our current AP is a guy in his sixties, still in seminary, but with a lay speaker certificate. And the AP is conservative. Very, very, very very very VERY conservative. So conservative that even a BLENDED service - part traditional, part contemporary - is too contemporary for him! He also has a very different personality from my husband. In fact, when the AP first came on board, he and my husband butted heads, but in a minor way, over a couple of things. They seemed to work it out though. For the past couple of years things have been, if not wonderful and happy, then at least professional and workable between the two of them.
But all that has changed. Sunday morning - the very day our lead pastor, Dear Husband's greatest ally, was preaching his last sermon - Sunday morning, 10 minutes before the mission caravan was due to leave, the AP pulled my husband aside. "We need to talk when you get back," he said. "We've had problems with you crossing boundaries lately. And we know you took money from an office."
My husband was instantly outraged and defensive. Mind you, this was 10 minutes before he was to leave on a week-long mission trip! He demanded the AP explain himself. Where was this accusation coming from? Who was saying this? The AP claimed he could not say. My husband said, sternly, "Then that's all I need to know."
So, let's look at the timing of this situation. It's the lead pastor's last day. Our new pastor, who knows no one at our church, will be here in a few days. My husband will be on a mission trip, and therefore unavailable, for an entire week. 10 minutes before the mission trip caravan is supposed to leave, the AP pulls him aside to make accusations against him!
I called my mother-in-law, who is also a pastor. It turns out that AP's do not have the power to hire and fire. Hiring and firing must take place within the SPRC, or the Staff-Parish Relations Committee. Secondly, NO ONE has the right to make accusations against a staff member outside of the SPRC. All complaints against staff must be handled by the SPRC.
My husband called the church accountant, who quickly assured him he has the right to take money for mission trip expenditures. It also turns out, by the way, that the "missing" money was never really missing at all - someone just "forgot" that my husband needed contingency money. A good thing he had that money, too, because at the last minute they had to get one of the church vans inspected!
Then my husband called the youth worker who has worked in this church for YEARS, and who is the chair of the SPRC. She was completely shocked and appalled by the AP's actions, and assured my husband that she would convene a meeting to deal with the situation. (She is a great supporter of my husband, too. Lucky for us.)
My M-I-L said I should call our lead pastor. "But he's not our pastor anymore," I protested.
"No, that's not correct," she said. "His appointment starts on Wednesday. He is your pastor until then. You need to talk to him," she said.
So I did. I tearfully explained the situation to him. He said nothing one way or the other. I know he has to be neutral, and I also know he hates confrontation, but it would have been really nice if he could have been just the tiniest bit supportive of my husband at that point. But all he said was that he would talk to the AP. "And hang in there," he said to me.
Later that evening, my husband saw that the AP was trying to call him. He let the call go to voicemail. When he listened to the message, the AP was oddly chipper and upbeat, saying only that he was "thinking about you and the kids, and hope everything is going okay on the mission trip," and ended up with a "please call me when you get the chance." As if NONE of the conversation they had that morning had occurred. And definitely without mentioning that the lead pastor had spoken with him.
"He knows he's in trouble and he's trying to cover it up," my mother-in-law said, when I told her about the phone call and the message. "If he went out on his own and said something he shouldn't have, without your lead pastor's knowledge, he can get in trouble." She counseled that we should not speak with the AP at all, under any circumstance, without someone on SPRC present to witness the conversation.
Meantime, my husband is a thousand miles from home, unable to defend himself.
What would you say about the AP's actions? Can you possibly put them in a not-so-sinister light? I've tried, and I can't. The timing was critical. Just when my husband was leaving to go out of town - on a MISSION TRIP!! - where he would be almost totally out of touch and unavailable; on the very Sunday that our lead pastor, my husband's great defender, is performing his last church service; 10 minutes - 10 minutes!!! - before the mission trip is supposed to leave, the AP comes to my husband to accuse him of wrongdoing, and then says "We'll talk when you get back."
This was an evil act. I've thought and thought about this, and at first I did not want to believe it myself, but finally I had to admit it. This was not the act of someone who had the "good of the church" in mind. It was sly, underhanded, poltical, and frankly a brilliant move. There could not have been a better time to go on the offensive. My husband was completely blindsided. Although he and the AP have had their differences over the past couple of years, he always felt that the AP was concerned for his walk in Christ, and he looked up to him for that. As astute as my husband is, perhaps it was naive of him to think that things might be different in a church - that he could take the AP at face value, and trust him.
I suppose the AP was merely biding his time, waiting - a wolf in sheep's clothing, a serpent in the grass, a cancer cell waiting to blossom - waiting, for just the right moment, for just the right time to attack. To our faces and to everyone else the AP has seemed so gentle and concerned and compassionate. But now he has revealed himself.
My husband wants to quit the church completely. I said he needs to stay on as youth director at least for a little while. The church needs him now. The youth certainly need him now. And it's the right thing to do. To give in to the AP is the wrong thing to do. If the AP gets his way now, by running my husband out, he will only feel he can get away with throwing his weight around like that. He will do it again. He will not change - why would he?
I don't trust the AP one little bit now. Even if I weren't married to the youth director, even if I were just another church member, if I knew what had happened I would be extremely uncomfortable having this man as a spiritual leader.
In my opinion, being "nice" - trying to "not make waves" by NOT confronting the AP - this will only feed the monster. Giving in to evil is tantamount to condoning evil. I well recall the stories told by Dear Husband's previous boss, the much-beloved AP who left our church last year, about working in a church where the lead pastor, a manipulative person, was permitted to be a manipulative person because no one wanted to stand up to them - everyone wanted to "be nice" to them. The result? An entire church was brought to its knees and nearly ripped apart by the evildoings of that one individual. I predict a similar devastating consequence in the future of our current AP, if he is permitted to continue on the way he is. The man either needs to change from the inside, or if he cannot he needs to NEVER lead a congregation.
This is a very hard time for us, and for my husband especially. Please remember us in your thoughts and prayers.