(no subject)
I don't want to be a total bitch. Maybe I just come off that way.
I don't want to be a needy center of attention person, but my emotions always fight with me against that. God, I hate emotions. They're useless, and they drive me insane. Especially love. *sardonically laughs* Growing up, and being a girl, we were taught twoo wub was the msot happiest feeling ever the best thing to ever happen. Yes, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I wasn't prepared for the other emotions that are a side effect of love, and it's driving me insane.
I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm normally not a jealous person. I'm easy-going relaxed, and quiet I don't want to make anyone cry. Yet in still, somewhere, this, this thing has grown inside of me and I don't know how to get rid of it. Fighting for the thing that you care about most in your life, that's fine. However, when it harms your relationship more than helps all I can do is sit and pull my hair out trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I don't want to hurt him, I don't. But I do, at least I think I do, and I don't mean to.
Nobody ever told me of the ugly monsters that were packaged along with love. It's like being handed a boquet of roses, with thorns on the stalks, half the roses rotten, and the one rose is dying whilst you're trying to get it to a refreshing glass of water. Here I come along in my fits of insanity and go and hide those glasses of water. I don't know why.
I suppose I'm doing my best, being that this is my first true relationship, and there are no grounds whatsoever for my jealousy, but I still feel like I've showed up for a concert 30 minutes late, no sheet music, and I have to ad-lib my way through a long duet with everyone watching. I feel useless, I feel like a dead weight, I feel like I'm inadequate for the part I was chosen to play. I suppose that why it has grown into this.
I've always been inadequate, never the best at anything. Always being sub-par at everything. Mediocre musician, average artist, mindless worker drone, simple student. I suppose that's why I fight so hard to keep the only thing in my life that makes me feel that I'm worth more than a simple body just taking up mass and space. Why when ever anyone else gets near that I try to fight them away, because, in essence, I'm afraid. And it's stupid. I can't help it, and I don't know how to change it. No matter how hard I've tried, no matter how hard I've told myself "you're being stupid again. stop it" it never goes away.
I have nowhere else to post this, and yes I know you'll see. You're the only who seems to care how I feel anyways, and I'm sorry for being a bitch. Sometimes, the unsensible side of me just takes over, and I'm left floundering afterwards going what the hell did I do. I love you, you know that. I just needed to get it off my chest, and it's not like i've got any other friends to talk to anyways.