We interrupt this New York bulletin
To bring you an open letter to the gentleman driver behind me on Central avenue this fair day:
You first greeted me enthusiastically, with a loud and prolonged laying upon your horn as soon as the green left arrow appeared on the light from San Pedro onto Central. That I was already moving was no concern of yours; indeed, nor was the existence of the old woman crossing the street to our left, towards us. She was crossing against the green arrow, and I'm sorry that I got in your way of enforcing corporal punishment for her mistake.
I realized that you are in a hurry -- never mind that it was likely due to poor planning on your part -- and endeavored to get out of your way as quickly as possible. Perhaps you did not realize that there was construction in the right most lane, which the old woman had already crossed, or that she was currently in the middle lane. To be nice, I broke the law for you by turning not into the leftmost lane (as any law abiding driver would have done) but turned into the middle lane as soon as she vacated it and entered the left.
You turned across all the lanes of Central and ended up in the right lane, perhaps seeing so much red for having to wait 4 seconds that the red Rapid Ride bus in front of us blended into your vision -- a bus that was, unfortunately, stopped doing bus-related activities. But after you completed your turn, I saw that you noticed your predicament. You could slow down and change lanes behind me, or you could rapidly accelerate and try to get in front of me before I pass the bus. I think you made the right decision -- after all, I was only driving 5 over the speed limit, and thus driving behind me would cause you to be later to whatever appointment you had decided was less important than lunch.
It was while you were attempting to pass me that I finally was able to glance upon your visage. You were a handsome man, upper lip mustachioed in true 80's porn style, mouth twisted into a scowl and forehead bushed with eyebrows and even more bushied with the snarling grimace you wore.
Being the courteous driver I am, I switched into the left lane so as to allow you into the middle, seeing as how otherwise you would collide into the back of the bus, and who would want that? It's not my fault that the bus finished picking its passengers up that moment and pulled into the middle lane in front of you so as to avoid the construction in the right lane -- construction that you would've seen, if I may point out, had you waited for the lady to cross and pulled into the left lane like a law abiding driver -- or even turned into the middle lane behind me.
Actually, I lied. I totally timed that one, because I have precise control over how many passengers are on that stop at any given time of day. Your rapidly darkening face indicated that you called my bluff!
So you screeched on the brakes, and (grudgingly?) switched lanes behind me. Who wants to drive behind a bus, after all? I despise the way they save gas by providing mass transportation. I can clearly see that you are a fellow proponent of wasting gas by the way you zealously accelerate into any opening you can, only to screech to a halt seconds later.
I'm sorry that I blocked your view of the upcoming red traffic light. I do realize that is rather hard to see past the car in front of you when you're driving only about a foot behind. I'm also sorry that you didn't realize that a right lane under construction diverts traffic to the middle lane -- and thus when we finally passed the bus (which was also going the speed limit, just like me), you did the aforementioned accelerating past me and screeching to a halt behind the line of 15 or so cars in the middle lane. If only you had known! I was cruising comfortably in my lane, seeing as there were only 3 cars in front of me -- and in fact, the light changed before I even had to stop! I guess you saw this too, judging by the way you again accelerated up to right behind me.
I'm sorry I couldn't go any faster than the speed limit; there was another car in front of me, after all. I could, however, change into the middle lane as soon as the opportunity presented itself, so as to allow you more forward purchase. I got in front of 10+ cars just for you, see how much I care? Now I can see you out of my driver's side window. You're just as handsome from the other side of your face. Let me guess, you're going for the tortured, angry, anti-hero look? Err, 80's pornstar anti-hero look?
It also just so happened that I changed lanes because I noticed that the middle lane was going faster. I'm sorry I took the spot in the lane so that you couldn't, but after you jockeyed enough with the car behind me you were able to get behind me. I was honored -- you actually slowed down this time so you could do so. Oh wait, that was because the car in front of you slowed down.
Speaking of cars in front of you slowing down, that's what the giant truck in the right lane was doing. But apparently all you saw was the space behind it -- right next to me, and slightly positionally ahead of where you were. So you accelerated to change lanes, and then braked again, as the truck is slowing down, after all.
This is where we took our tearful farewell. I think you got tired of all the people driving the speed limit on Central, and turned right so you could drive on the back streets. It was also my time to turn right two blocks later. I got one last look at you from afar as I, intimately familiar with how this particular light is timed, drove across the street that you were on, a block from my right... stuck behind a red light.
I didn't catch your name or I would've called ahead and let the people in your meeting know that you were going to be dreadfully late. I would've looked it up from your license plate but alas! You were behind me the entire time. :)
If you read this, call me -- we'll do lunch. I'll pay, I know you spend a lot of money on wasting gas so you can accelerate just to brake seconds later.
You first greeted me enthusiastically, with a loud and prolonged laying upon your horn as soon as the green left arrow appeared on the light from San Pedro onto Central. That I was already moving was no concern of yours; indeed, nor was the existence of the old woman crossing the street to our left, towards us. She was crossing against the green arrow, and I'm sorry that I got in your way of enforcing corporal punishment for her mistake.
I realized that you are in a hurry -- never mind that it was likely due to poor planning on your part -- and endeavored to get out of your way as quickly as possible. Perhaps you did not realize that there was construction in the right most lane, which the old woman had already crossed, or that she was currently in the middle lane. To be nice, I broke the law for you by turning not into the leftmost lane (as any law abiding driver would have done) but turned into the middle lane as soon as she vacated it and entered the left.
You turned across all the lanes of Central and ended up in the right lane, perhaps seeing so much red for having to wait 4 seconds that the red Rapid Ride bus in front of us blended into your vision -- a bus that was, unfortunately, stopped doing bus-related activities. But after you completed your turn, I saw that you noticed your predicament. You could slow down and change lanes behind me, or you could rapidly accelerate and try to get in front of me before I pass the bus. I think you made the right decision -- after all, I was only driving 5 over the speed limit, and thus driving behind me would cause you to be later to whatever appointment you had decided was less important than lunch.
It was while you were attempting to pass me that I finally was able to glance upon your visage. You were a handsome man, upper lip mustachioed in true 80's porn style, mouth twisted into a scowl and forehead bushed with eyebrows and even more bushied with the snarling grimace you wore.
Being the courteous driver I am, I switched into the left lane so as to allow you into the middle, seeing as how otherwise you would collide into the back of the bus, and who would want that? It's not my fault that the bus finished picking its passengers up that moment and pulled into the middle lane in front of you so as to avoid the construction in the right lane -- construction that you would've seen, if I may point out, had you waited for the lady to cross and pulled into the left lane like a law abiding driver -- or even turned into the middle lane behind me.
Actually, I lied. I totally timed that one, because I have precise control over how many passengers are on that stop at any given time of day. Your rapidly darkening face indicated that you called my bluff!
So you screeched on the brakes, and (grudgingly?) switched lanes behind me. Who wants to drive behind a bus, after all? I despise the way they save gas by providing mass transportation. I can clearly see that you are a fellow proponent of wasting gas by the way you zealously accelerate into any opening you can, only to screech to a halt seconds later.
I'm sorry that I blocked your view of the upcoming red traffic light. I do realize that is rather hard to see past the car in front of you when you're driving only about a foot behind. I'm also sorry that you didn't realize that a right lane under construction diverts traffic to the middle lane -- and thus when we finally passed the bus (which was also going the speed limit, just like me), you did the aforementioned accelerating past me and screeching to a halt behind the line of 15 or so cars in the middle lane. If only you had known! I was cruising comfortably in my lane, seeing as there were only 3 cars in front of me -- and in fact, the light changed before I even had to stop! I guess you saw this too, judging by the way you again accelerated up to right behind me.
I'm sorry I couldn't go any faster than the speed limit; there was another car in front of me, after all. I could, however, change into the middle lane as soon as the opportunity presented itself, so as to allow you more forward purchase. I got in front of 10+ cars just for you, see how much I care? Now I can see you out of my driver's side window. You're just as handsome from the other side of your face. Let me guess, you're going for the tortured, angry, anti-hero look? Err, 80's pornstar anti-hero look?
It also just so happened that I changed lanes because I noticed that the middle lane was going faster. I'm sorry I took the spot in the lane so that you couldn't, but after you jockeyed enough with the car behind me you were able to get behind me. I was honored -- you actually slowed down this time so you could do so. Oh wait, that was because the car in front of you slowed down.
Speaking of cars in front of you slowing down, that's what the giant truck in the right lane was doing. But apparently all you saw was the space behind it -- right next to me, and slightly positionally ahead of where you were. So you accelerated to change lanes, and then braked again, as the truck is slowing down, after all.
This is where we took our tearful farewell. I think you got tired of all the people driving the speed limit on Central, and turned right so you could drive on the back streets. It was also my time to turn right two blocks later. I got one last look at you from afar as I, intimately familiar with how this particular light is timed, drove across the street that you were on, a block from my right... stuck behind a red light.
I didn't catch your name or I would've called ahead and let the people in your meeting know that you were going to be dreadfully late. I would've looked it up from your license plate but alas! You were behind me the entire time. :)
If you read this, call me -- we'll do lunch. I'll pay, I know you spend a lot of money on wasting gas so you can accelerate just to brake seconds later.