(no subject)

[dragonoflife]

Sadly, a game was lost, due in large part to the transcriber forgetting the power cord for the laptop. In brief summation, the party fought a few more brutal demons, defeated them, and in doing so earned the wrath and attention of a large number of the demonic forces. They fled the city, travelling to the manor of Gavin Tael, Lord of Ghoere, to try to get him to move his armies to reclaim the city. On the way, they picked up a waif who tried to rob them, but apparently had a bloodline, to judge by the mark on her neck. As the game begins, they are approaching the manor house. Alandris becomes confused as to what demon army in whose game they’re facing, and bangs on the table demanding closure. Damien swaps out for the proper character sheet, threatening to run a D&D All Star game at some point. Lorrithrik meets up with his comrades at the gates of Gavin Tael’s manor house.

Alandris: He was distracted by a sixty foot fly!
DM: Yes, Gavin Tael has retreated to his manor house after the whole “Sword Mage kinda took over” thing. And there he sits, in… um, estimation of the great Caligula, drinking, and watching-
Alandris: Did you just say Caligula!? Is he prancing around marching in place naked and stuff?
DM: You don’t know! You can’t see inside the manor house.
Alandris: Showing his ring to would-be assassins…
DM: He’s like the Cartoon Network Caligula, running around killing people with beehives. You yell into the microphone here, he will have more power.
Tergol: …did you bring up Bunnicula recently?

The DM describes the manor house as more like a small compound, much like a fortress, with a shantytown springing up around it. The DM and Alandris get into an argument as to how the DM pronounced a word; Alandris insists the DM should check the game report later, but the DM in fact slurred the word sufficiently to make even the audio unclear. It is generally concluded he sucks anyway.

Lorrithrik: “Hey guys, sorry I’m late!”
Damien: “Where have you been?”
Lorrithrik: “Uh… uh, a cow got into my web, I’ve been a little busy… sorry..”
Other Players: “A cow?”
DM: Looking over the river, you can see what appears to be at least one unit of infantry, one unit of knights, and one of archers camped on the other side. There might even be more there, but you’re not in a position to see them just now.
Niobhe: Flame Strike.
Lorrithrik: Actually, my Detect Life, 10 mile radius, will tell me exactly how many there are there.
DM: …that’s true.
Alandris: Cloudkill.
DM: You expect that this is almost the entire army of Ghoere camped here-
Niobhe: At the same time.
DM: Waiting to make some sort of move.
Damien: I like their plan. We’re gonna fillet our way through this entire army, slaughter them all, and then we’re gonna explain to Gavin Tael needs to take his army and help, and then we realize… oops!
Lorrithrik: Oh, make that 10 kilometer radius. 6 miles.
DM: It doesn’t matter!
Lorrithrik: Why are we here anyway?
DM: As you get caught up with the rest of the party, you notice that staring from the back of the packhorse is what appears to be a teenage waif.
Lorrithrik: …what’s a waif?
DM: I’ll let you guys handle this one.

The party clarifies the meaning. Lorrithrik accuses them of trying to replace them, while Damien imagines Barack’s castle being full of women and girls. Alandris accuses Barack’s domain of turning into modern-day India.

Alandris: Where ten-year-old women are forced to marry, or become, like, doxies…
Lorrithrik: What’s a doxy NEVER MIND! I gotta stop asking this!
Alandris: They’re the kind of women Wes goes looking for.
Lorrithrik: I thought it was something from Harry Potter.
Niobhe: Oooooh-kaaaaay.
DM: I know what he’s talking about, he’s technically correct, but still, you didn’t really think that was what was involved here, did you?!
Lorrithrik: I did not. Which is why I asked.
DM: Never ask again!
Alandris: A woman of the evening.
Lorrithrik: Who hides in the curtains.
Damien: How are we gonna get across this moat?
DM: What moat?
Damien: You said there was a river.
DM: Yes, the manor’s on this side of it!

The party keeps attempting to ring a bell that doesn’t exist. The DM decides to interpret this as entering the town area.

DM: No sooner do you step or at least even come close to the somewhat of a shantytown that’s sprung up outside then you’re immediately assailed by the refuse of humanity trying to hawk products to you, begging you for a coin, telling you to come see the fat lady at the circus, that sort of thing.
Damien: “I dunno about you guys, but I wanna see this fat lady in the circus!”
Lorrithrik: Do any of these refuses of humanity attempt to.. uh, accost Lorrithrik in his comely human form?
DM: Define “accost.”
Lorrithrik: Um. “Hey baby…”
DM: “Pretty lady, pretty lady want to buy some jewelry, buy this jewelry, finest in the lands!”
Lorrithrik: I won’t give them any trouble, they’re just trying to make a living.
Damien: I want to see this fat lady. I want you to describe to me this fat - we’re gonna make him describe it. We’re going to see the fat lady. First stop. What do we see when we get there?
DM: It’s not like there’s just one sign that says “The Fat Lady.”:
Tergol: “This gentleman’s makin’ a big commotion over it, she’s gotta be immense to be like an actual attraction.”
Damien: That’s what I’m thinking! “One gold to the man who leads us to the fat lady!”
DM: (giving up and rolling with it) “Right this way to the circus, sirs, right this way!”
Damien: “Here you go good sir!”
DM: He points you to a couple of large tents on the outskirts.
Damien: Maybe she’s in one of these tents! Maybe she takes up the whole tent!
DM: You see, in fact, elephants outside the tent, travelling in a line as if on parade.. you know, one trunk wrapped around the tail of the one in front… Surrounding them are exotic animals in cages! You see a lion, roaring at you from behind the bars, looking pretty sick and miserable I might add, because it’s behind bars in a cage the size of this room tops. Tigers! A bear! There’s many of the lesser folk.
Damien: Is the bear wearing a tutu?
DM: Yes! In fact it is. You see a discarded unicycle beside it, although the bear appears uninterested in riding for your pleasure at this time.
Tergol: Ah. The ballet.
Lorrithrik: Does he speak Sylvan? “Hello, bear!”
DM: It cracks an eye at you, looks at you, but doesn’t have words.
Lorrithrik: Continuing in Sylvan, “Hey, do you want a snack?”
DM: (high-pitched child voice) “Hey, what language is SHE speaking? Hey lady, what language ya speaking?”
Lorrithrik: “Bear language, stupid.”
Damien: We should probably see this fat lady, then move on to the lord... Where’s this fat lady?
DM: “Over at the sideshow, good sir!”
Damien: To the sideshow.
Tergol: Outta my way!
Lorrithrik: “Why are you men always so interested in the large ladies?”
Niobhe: More cushion for the pushin’.
Damien: I just wanna find out how large a lady has to be to go to the sideshow.
Lorrithrik: I see.
Tergol: We go into the tent and come out all pale. “…let’s get going.”
Lorrithrik: It’s not a door…
Niobhe: (whines in pain)
Tergol: Good one, Lorrithrik. Good one.
Lorrithrik: Sorry.
Tergol: No no no, I’m proud of you.
Damien: You guys wait outside, we come out… “Let’s go see Gavin Tael and then leave this cursed place.”
DM: “We’re rolling up new character now.” “Why?” “Because our characters no longer have the will to live.”
Damien: We just watch the papers as they burn themselves out.

The adventurers are shamelessly gouged for the sideshow because they look rich. Tergol threatens to pull his sap out, but Damien throws down some extra pretend money that gets them special treatment through.

DM: “Right this way to the thinnest dwarf in ALL of Cerilia!” The curtains sweep aside and there, indeed, is a slender figure, even shorter than Tergol, with a massive beard that comes down to his knees, and yet is no wider than a human boy of ten! Roll a Spot check.
Damien: Oh no, it’s a small child with a beard stapled to his neck!
Alandris: Stapled.
DM: “Welcome, sairs!”
Tergol: “That’s a terrible accent!”
DM: “It’s not any better than yuirs!”
Tergol: “If you were a true dwarf ye’d know that if I challenged ya to a wrestling’ match ya’d have to accept, right?”
DM: “You can’t challenge the sideshow to a wrestlin’ match!”
Tergol: “Of course I can, yer a dwarf.”
Lorrithrik: See if he speaks dwarvish.
Tergol: Modified 20. Do I see the hooks of his beard over his ears?
DM: Actually after a careful study you’re absolutely convinced that this is a halfling with a beard on. The organizer quickly attempts to hurry you on to the next stage.
Tergol: (reaches for the fake beard)
DM: As you reach for it the curtains slide shut.
Tergol: No no, hand keeps going.
DM: Your hand reaches through the curtain. “Sir, please, don’t harass the sideshow! It is to be seen, not touched!”
Lorrithrik: I’m afraid we’re gonna have to suspend our disbelief here, guys.
Tergol: I’m surprised he didn’t start to show the skinny dwarf, look at me… “Let’s move on, actually.”
DM: “Behold, the STRONG man!” A massively-muscled, bare-chested figure stands before you, an anvil hefted in each hand!
Niobhe: Are they like, foam anvils?
DM: Would you like to roll a Spot check?
Tergol: Modified 20.
DM: Do you have… Profession (blacksmith), or anything like that?
Niobhe: I DO! I have Profession (blacksmithing)!
DM: You get a +2 synergy bonus.
Niobhe: I got a 27.
DM: Believe it or not you’re convinced they’re real anvils.
Damien: I’m stronger than this man, pass ‘em over here.
DM: The curtains snap shut. “Onwards! Behold, the FAT lady!” You’re looking upon the most immense, obese girth of flesh you have ever imagined. This is like folds… upon folds… upon folds. For you Warcraft players, she makes Therazane look svelte.
Damien: Wow. Wow.
DM: You believe it may be possible she’s sitting on a stool, but you can’t tell. Her legs are not visible!
Lorrithrik: …I disbelieve.
DM: You disbelieve?
Lorrithrik: “This can’t be!” 15, and I’m a sorcerer specializing in illusions.
DM: (stares a moment at Lorrithrik, then just shuts his eyes and sounds close to tears as he weakly holds back laughter) …Amazingly, you’ve penetrated the illusion.
Damien: What!?
Lorrithrik: What?!
DM: (still weakly) You see nothing but a stool. It was all an illusion.

The party, collectively, loses it.

DM: I can’t believe you did that…
Damien: Do we still see it or does it fail for all of us?
DM: Only he sees through it.
Tergol: That’s great!
Damien: This was worth the gold already.
Tergol: “She is quite immense.”
Damien: “How is she still alive? It must be a medical mystery!”
Lorrithrik: “Uh. Yeah. It’s really a wonder, guys.
DM: (has been helpless with laughter for some time)
Damien: He’s not even gonna tell us. All right, let’s move on, is there more to see…?
DM: “Yes. The CONTORTIONIST!” This appears to be for all intents and purposes a legitimate contortion act. You know, putting his feet on the back of his head…
Tergol: See, that I can believe.
DM: He’s remarkably limber, perhaps preternaturally so.
Damien: …that was pretty cool.

Lorrithrik and the DM debate the skill in use, and the skill level of the performance. Lorrithrik rolls Escape Artist to determine the contortionist’s skill. They are disappointed in the lack of tip jars.

DM: “Next: the PRESTIDIGITATOR!”
Lorrithrik: What’s a presti-- (fails the word)
Alandris: It’s what happens when six Prestigibots combine.

More paralytic laughter sweeps the group. Lorrithrik curses the Pittsburgh Steelers for no reason.

DM: A thin young man dressed in gaudy robes steps out. “Well, I’d love to begin the performance, but it seems I have misplaced my magic coin. Might I borrow yours, young lady?” (mimes pulling a coin out from behind Lorrithrik’s ear)

The DM continues to mime magic tricks while the group tries to figure how he’s doing it. Damien demands Intelligence checks; the more you fail the more impressed you are. Rolling badly, he and Niobhe clap like idiots. Alandris rolls his Intelligence and demands his results from the DM, who is baffled since he never called for these rolls in the first place.

DM: He moves his hand away, the coin hovers there!
Tergol: I get pissed off and PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE! No, just kidding… I DON’T LIKE WHAT I CAN’T UNDERSTAND!

They can’t spot a wire, but Lorrithrik uses Spellcraft to identify the mage hand spell. The prestidigitator makes the coin disappear, then bows as the curtain closes.

Damien: Is there more?
DM: There’s more, but I don’t have descriptions for them.
Damien: I’m surprised you went as far as you did.
DM: I didn’t plot the entire sideshow out in advance, thank you very much.
Lorrithrik: Our party emerges from the sideshow. “Boy, that Stinky Man really knocked my socks off.”
Damien: And now, off to see Gavin Tael.
DM: Oh yeah? I bet you don’t see Gavin Tael. I bet that’s not the next thing you do.
Damien: There’s someone peddling something more awesome than the sideshow?
DM: As you step out from the sideshow on the far side of the tent, you see what is unmistakably a ring set aside for wrestlers. And even as you watch, a brawny man hurls another man out into the crowd and raises his hands up. A cheer goes up from the crowd. “That’s right! Wrestle Strong Mason over here! Stay in the ring for three rounds and win ten gold!”
Damien: I believe fate is trying to distract us with these games.
Lorrithrik: Is biting allowed?
Tergol: Why am I all itchy all of a sudden?
DM: “Strong Mason has never been defeated!”
Tergol: …dammit.
Damien: Go for it.
Alandris: Don’t let him use Spinning Piledriver.
Tergol: Watch all my rolls suck.
DM: “One gold to challenge Strong Mason, one gold! Impress your lady!”
Damien: “I sponsor this man!”
Lorrithrik: I need a more comely name than Lorrithrik… that’s my spider name.
DM: “Oh, a dwarf! I like dwarves! You’re GOOD wrestlers! I’m looking forward to this challenge!” (laughs like an idiot for a while.}

Tergol mimes knocking open a keg of ale and quaffing it; the rest of the group supplies the Popeye music.

DM: (dramatically) Strong Mason takes an aggressive stance.
Tergol: (casually) I take one too. 18 on my initiative.
DM: All right, you’re going before him, unsurprisingly.
Tergol: All right, let’s go into a grapple. (promptly rolls a 1 on his opposed grapple check)
DM: You slip in the mud as you move forward to advance, then Strong Mason seizes your shoulders and pushes you down into a pin! Only anger from you. “All right, that’s enough of a handicap. FOEHAMMER!”
Alandris: There’s a crusader in the ring? Is every other enemy that we run into that’s not a demon gonna be a crusader?
DM: …now. All right, you are pinned, you may attempt to escape from the grapple.
Lorrithrik: So, Ricky can actually spin a web in her semi-human form, so where does the spider silk come out of?
DM: Do you really want to know?

After a moment of discussion, Lorrithrik demands the DM just say ‘wrists’ and be done with it. The DM ignores him. Somehow, Strong Mason keeps Tergol pinned despite a skillful roll on his part, but with the counter-grapple ability, he escapes on his second roll, dodges the grapple roll - then rolls a 1 on his opposed grapple check once again.

Tergol: This is Hendlar all over again.
Damien: This is - check for illusions, he might be a pony! He might be a pony in disguise!
DM: Tergol, to your horror you find yourself pinned beneath him once again, as you step forward, slip in that same patch of mud you slipped in before -
Tergol: “You put this here, didn’t you?!”
DM: --and go down to your knees as he shoves you down into the muck again. YOUR BEARD IS STAINED, MAN! It’s got muck in it! It’s too bad you don’t have Divine Wrath. “MY BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!”
Tergol: I could use Divine Aura on him.

Tergol again fails to escape the pin, but succeeds on his second counter-grapple roll. Strong Mason fails to pin him, and Tergol rolls his own attack - and the room erupts into horrified, disbelieving cries. A bitter Tergol throws dice around the table.

Lorrithrik: You messed up my die!
Tergol: Good, ‘cuz your die sucks.
DM: You slide down to your knees again, cursing your fate and the gods, but Strong Mason doesn’t move in for the pin. He holds out a hand to you instead.
Damien: “You need to stop slipping in the mud, sir.”
Tergol: “What is this?”
DM: “Come on, this isn’t fair. You’re having way too much bad luck here. Come on.” He helps you to your feet. You step five feet to the side… “Now! Give me your ALL!”

Tergol rolls to engage and does not roll a 1. Strong Mason attempts to wriggle free… and Tergol rolls a 1.

DM: Oh no!
Alandris: How is this… possible?!

However, enough time has elapsed for Tergol to have stayed in the full three rounds of the fight. Strong Mason offers him a friendly handshake.

DM: “You’re a good man, I would have liked to see you at your best.”
Tergol: “Aye, it looks like th’ luck o’ the gods wasn’t with me today.”
DM: “Well, I AM Strong Mason.”
Alandris: He’s the fourth of the brothers strong.
DM: As you step away from the wrestling ring, you are all accosted by clowns.
Damien: (whimpering) …what?
Tergol: “Time to wrestle again!”
DM: They caper around you! Capering, dancing, performing cartwheels… “Come see the main show!” “Come see the main show.” “Tonight!” “Tonight.” “At sundown!” “Sundown!” They cartwheel off.
Damien: Is it sundown?
DM: No!
Damien: Let’s go see Gavin Tael, then the show. Then after several months in jail, we’ll visit the whorehouse.

Damien attempts to put horse blinders on everyone to get them to the main plot. The group returns to the main path, only to hear a fanfare.

DM: Looking ahead you see several riders on magnificent mounts with their long-ass horns raised - not their long ass-horns, there’s a difference.

A low-ranking noble, Lord Conway, rides a charger to the manor house. The group attempts to enter behind him.

DM: “Who goes there?!”
Damien: “I am Damien White, sent by the Sword Mage, we are here to warn you about the demon’s fall.”
DM: Shing, shing! A couple of pikes are immediately leveled at you. “NO messenger from the Sword Mage is welcome here! Get out sirrah, lest you value your life!”
Lorrithrik: “’Lest’ you value your life? Are you sure you men said that right?”
DM: “You too can leave!”
Alandris: Did they ask you if you’re a god?

Lorrithrik throws down some Diplomacy while Alandris and Damien refresh themselves on the plot. The guards explain that Gavin Tael considers the Sword Mage a traitor and will accept no messengers. They argue over this for a while. Lorrithrik attempts to sway them with a Diplomacy roll and flirtations.

DM: Sorry, you have failed to get off your Diplomacy, because every time you attempted to flirt with one Damien just shoved you aside and kept shouting.

Alandris rolls Intimidate quite well. The DM starts rolling the level checks for the guards.

Alandris: This is just for us to be permitted, I don’t want them, like, cowering in a corner in a pile of their own excrement… like apparently my other roll did to the waif. Whose name I’ve forgotten.
Lorrithrik: You intimidated the waif?
Alandris: She tried to steal from us!
DM: Yeah, nobody mentioned that part to you.

The guards quake and quail. One hurries off to give the message to someone. Alandris attempts to hit up the guard for wine. The guard returns, claiming he could not convince the chamberlain. Niobhe attempts to flex her standing as a cleric to get in, while Lorrithrik attempts to Detect Life to make sure the guard is actually speaking to the chamberlain. The DM points out that he has no labels on his mental map. The guard again can’t convince the chamberlain, explaining that the chamberlain is a cowardly man who fears threats to his power. The party realizes they’ll have to get in some other way.

DM: (meaningfully) “Only a FOOL or a MADMAN would try to sneak in when the guards are changed promptly at the tolling of the dark hour.”
Alandris: “Well, no fools or madmen be we.”
Damien: We have a date to see the circus show!
Alandris: Well you don’t have Move Silently, do you? You can go see the circus.
Niobhe: (prophetically) Do you think I can move silently in armor?
DM: “I assure you sir, the guards of this manor house are FAR too well-trained to pay attention to a bribe cast aside by someone who was attempting to sneak in. TOO WELL-TRAINED FOR THAT, SIR!”
Lorrithrik: Jingle jingle jingle!
DM: The guard was implying you should do that -
Alandris: Later.
Damien: Later!
Lorrithrik: Well -- …Just practicing!
Alandris: We can get in now, just start throwing coins all over the place!
DM: In Soviet Cerilia, guard bribes you!
Damien: I’m gonna go over there… to the whorehouse, and get four or five whores, and lead them close to the guards.
Alandris: How did we end up in a campaign where YOU’RE the lecher?
Damien: I’m not a cleric!
Alandris: A lecherous cleric is not the issue!
Damien: I didn’t go out looking for porn-
Alandris: That’s what I mean! You’re actively seeking it!
DM: You went out to seduce Banglasharans in a crappy dive! Your goal was specifically to get liquored up and grab Banglasharan bottom!
Damien: I was just making a joke.
Alandris: Joke, shmoke, you go attend to your lecherous ways. (pause) No clowns, though, that’s just…

Damien attempts to formulate an actual plan, proposing the group split up. Alandris and the DM burst into a chorus of “Never Split the Party. Lorrithrik begins, ominously, to plan on going invisible to sneak in.

DM: “Ma’am, if you could kindly step away from the guard post while you’re planning to break in?”
Damien: I said we moved aside, away from the castle. (He hadn’t.)
Lorrithrik: I thought we were at a whorehouse…

The discussions continue over what plan will get them inside. Lorrithrik proposes something that will be hilarious in hindsight.

Lorrithrik: I think that if suddenly someone should sneak into this Gavin Tael guy’s chambers, it should be someone inoffensive, so he doesn’t suddenly scream for help. Or else we should have a plan for when we surprise him and he thinks we are there to murder him.
DM: Step one: go in with swords drawn so he can see they’re not too magical. Step two: wave the swords at him, that way he’ll feel that he’s getting a friendly breeze fanned at him and will not be hostile.

Wisely, Damien proposes sending in the ladies. Lorrithrik rambles on about people trying to kill him, then proposes BOTH ladies go. The rest of the group picks up the waif Samana and head off for a crappy shanty-like inn, where they are vastly overcharged. The DM directs NPC-catcalls at the females of the group.

Lorrithrik: I hand Samana a dagger.
Damien: You hand it to her the wrong way. Roll your attack roll.
DM: You give a knife to the innocent child.
Damien: “Ignore them.”
DM: “I’m used to it.”
Tergol: “If anyone gets too rowdy, just point me at ‘em.”
Niobhe: HAY GURL HAY.

Lorrithrik goes shopping, then settles on Disguise Self. The group gets a laugh out of this description.

DM: (hick drawl) “Hey buddy, yer not usin’ that girl, can I borrow her for a while?”

A long pause.

Damien: I - I’m doing some kind of untrained intimidating glare.
DM: Roll an Intimidate check untrained!
Damien: I have Intimidate, I just didn’t know if ‘glare’ was part of it…
DM: No, no, this will work.
Damien: 25.
DM: “Yipe yipe yipe yipe!”

The group waits till sunset. Lorrithrik again proposes making them invisible, but Niobhe still can’t Move Silently.

Lorrithrik: Maybe we can pretend to be ghosts. “Oooooooooh, hear the chaaaains!”
DM: “That’s not chains. That sounds awfully like plate mail!”
Niobhe: Chain mail.
DM: “That sounds awfully like chain mail!”
Lorrithik: Ricky and Niobhe approach the guards.
DM: “Who goes there?”
Lorrithrik: “Oh just two ladies out for a stroll. You wouldn’t mind letting us by, would you?” Jingle jingle clang clang.
DM: “Did you see any ladies come this way?” “No, but I think I heard something over there. Let’s go check it out.”
Damien: This is some awesome guards…

The group sneaks into the flavor-text-rich manor house. Lorrithrik finds a servant boy sleeping nearby; Niobhe attempts to prod him awake but Lorrithrik stops her, telling her not to alarm anyone, and instead turns on the charm.

DM: Roll a Bluff check.
Damien: Put your boobs in his face, that’s like +20 to Bluff.
Lorrithrik: …do I get a bonus?
DM: For boobs?
Lorrithrik: Yes.
DM: Just roll it.
Damien: Dammit, you should always get a bonus for boobs.
DM: “He’s awfully hungry tonight… if you know what I mean. I hope you guys don’t mind being the seconds!”
Lorrithrik: “Not at all. I hear it’s best if he’s warmed up or tired out as the case may be...”

The servant takes them upstairs and down a hall, bids them good luck, and receives a tip or bribe in return. Lorrithrik listens at the door - poorly. Using Detect Life, Lorrithrik senses two figures close by and two figures further away. Lorrithrik makes them both invisible to his overt glee. They elect to wait outside… and overhear a loud voice demanding someone else leave them alone. Meanwhile, back at the tavern…

DM: You’re approached by a bunch of burly men, with the man you intimidated standing off beside them. “We hear you don’t like to share. We think we should teach you that sharing is a virtue.”
Tergol: And you will come sing the sharing song with us?
Damien: 32. “Treating women properly is also a virtue.”
DM: “…I don’t think we wanna mess with him.” “We don’t wanna mess with him!”

Lorrithrik gets sick of waiting, and opens the door to the lord’s chamber.

DM: You open the door and see a puzzled guard staring at it as it seemingly opens of its own accord.
Lorrithrik: (makes wooshing noises)
DM: “What was that? What was making that noise?” “I dunno.”
Lorrithrik: It’s supposed to be wind.
Damien: He says that out loud!
DM: “Who said that?! Show yourselves!”
Lorrithrik: No, I didn’t say that out loud!
DM: I should rule that you did, I really should. But I won’t.
Lorrithrik: My wisdom is low, but not that low!
Niobhe: I’m gonna throw a rock down the hall.
DM: Roll a Dex check.
Niobhe: 19.
DM: One of the guards steps outside to investigate this mysterious opening door. You dodge to the side as he almost walks right into you. He looks around, steps to the side, then closes the door.
Niobhe: Actually, could I have stepped in before he shut the door?
DM: Yes.
Lorrithrik: I’m gonna try that too.
DM: All right, you are now in a narrow antechamber which seems designed specifically as a guard post. You’re crowded in there with two guards who seem unaware of you and are basically in danger of being discovered by their casual motions at any time.
Tergol: “I wonder how they’re doing.”
Damien: “I think they’re doing fine. Probably already talking to Gavin Tael.”
Alandris: You have no time for discussion, you’re at the... I thought you went to get, like…. INDULGE yourself.
Tergol: “I better go check on them.” Teleport Without Error.
DM: You don’t know where they are, where are you teleporting to?

Tergol hauls Alandris with him and they appear in the throne room.

Lorrithrik: Since they already think there’s a draft that’s opening doors, I’m gonna push open the inner door and say whoosh and sneak inside.
DM: Roll a Move Silently check.
Niobhe: I’m gonna try really hard to go through the door too.
Lorrithrik: 31.
Niobhe: 22. That’s good for me.
DM: It is. “Hey! I heard something!”
Niobhe: I’m going to be clinging to the side of the door and holding very still.
DM: All right, as you sneak through the door one of the guards piles in after you and promptly trips over your invisible form. You’re knocked to the ground and the guard goes sprawling out next to you.

They have found Gavin Tael’s throne room, with a large bulky man struggling to his feet. Another guard swings his spear blindly to attempt to locate Niobhe, not damaging but connecting with her armor.

DM: “INVISIBLE PEOPLE! Invisible people in the castle!”
Tergol: “No I’m not!”
DM: You hear the cry go out. It’s taken up across the castle! Initiative time, you idiots.

Rolling ensues. Alandris and Tergol decide to join the fight, although on what side is unclear. Lorrithrik wins initiative, and casts Suggestion on the guard who’s bellowing, convincing him to run for help to protect the kitchens. Niobhe punches the other guard in the face; the guard attempts to strike her with his sword but fails to penetrate her armor. The other guard stands, then runs for the door. The bulky figure who stood up ties a blindfold over his eyes, then draws a shining sword. Lorrithrik determines that the other person on the balcony appears to have vanished. Tergol and Alandris hear the guard who ran off bellowing.

DM: “The kitchen! They’re in the kitchen!”
Tergol: “All right! Let’s go, to the kitchen! Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait… we pro’ly be’er look for our friends.”

Lorrithrik spins a web and hurls it at the figure, ensnaring him. Niobhe continues to pummel the guard with her mailed fist. The figure breaks the web, though the players don’t really recognize the fact that he made a DC 26 Strength check as ominous. Tergol and Alandris attempt to find the place where all the noise is coming from, but discover only a reception area. The DM begins to describe the room but Tergol slams the door shut on the flavor text. Lorrithrik attempts to reason with the figure.

Lorrithrik: “Stop this madness! We’re just trying to sneak past the annoying chamberlain to speak to the baron!” Diplomacy?
DM: Diplomacy is a full-round action if it’s hasty. However, you can just trust what effect your words have, if you’re so brave.
Lorrithrik: I’ll take a round…

Niobhe continues to slap the crap out of the helpless guard; said guard actually scores a hit with his longsword in return. The figure bellows for guards, then strikes Lorrithrik for 13. Tergol and Alandris discover a waiting room and a wine cellar. Lorrithrik wonders how he was struck when the figure is blindfolded. Lorrithrik sneaks around him but provokes an AoO.

Damien: Tumble. Tumble. Tumble. Are you trained to tumble?
Lorrithrik: Yes…?
DM: How can you Tumble and Move Silently at the same time!?

Lorrithrik indeed choose to Tumble instead, and therefore dodges the AoO as he moves to the balcony. Niobhe is STILL pummeling that guard. Parappa the Rapper songs ensue. The guard fails to trip her. Alandris throws open the door to the foyer to discover three guards screeching to a halt to stare at him. Alandris throws down an Intimidate check.

DM: The guards see a madman burst out of the waiting room, arcane power crackling around him, weapon drawn, roaring in terror. They recognize a wizard when they see one, but yet this wizard’s wearing full plate mail, what is this?!
Alandris: And his hair’s turned blonde!
DM: As one they scream and crash out the front doors, abandoning their posts and probably their lives!
Tergol: I, uh… I saunter over. “What’s going on over here?”
Alandris: “I dunno who got into those guys.”
DM: “WIZARD! WIIIZARD!”
Damien: Catapult the castle, it’s the only way to be sure.

That pair charges up the stairs. The burly man advances on Niobhe as Lorrithrik sneaks up behind him to bite him, but he only bites the man’s cloak. Niobhe grapples the guard, taking a mild wound.

DM: “Cowards, the lot of you!”
Lorrithrik: “Well I tried to reason!”
DM: “There is no reason for invading a man’s bedroom in the middle of the night!”
Lorrithrik: “Sure there is, if his chamberlain won’t let you see him and you’re a really hot woman!”
DM: “If you were so hot you’d have known to come NON-invisible!”
Niobhe: “I have a low self-esteem!”
Lorrithrik: “I’m so hot I had to get past your guards!”
DM: (muttering) Let’s see here, he’s wielding a long sword…
Damien: Addition is hard!
Alandris: He continues to taunt. Obviously the only he’s going to respect is a proper beatdown. Why don’t you guys stop the formalities-
Lorrithrik: We are!
Niobhe: Why you think I’m gonna throw his own guard at him?
DM: You take fifty points of damage from the swing.
Lorrithrik: Jesus Christ!
Alandris: Fifty?!

The DM subtly hints that Power Attack is involved as the players reel in horror. Tergol and Alandris charge up the stairs and almost directly into half a dozen guards in the hall. Lorrithrik runs like hell. Niobhe shoves the guard at him but the warrior simply shoves him aside. The guards on the stairs charge Tergol and Alandris.

DM: (pausing, then laughing) I can’t believe you guys did this.
Lorrithrik: We should have knocked.
DM: It was going so well and then you decided to sneak past two guards invisibly in chain mail!

Tergol abruptly deploys his countercharge ability, stopping some of his incoming damage. The warrior fails to strike Niobhe’s comparatively poor AC.

Lorrithrik: Oh, he misses HER, my 24 almost gets me killed.
DM: He also rolled a 2 to hit her.

Tergol uses Bonecrusher on an innocent guard. Alandris blasts flame at the guards.

Lorrithrik: This has gotten very ugly very fast.
Alandris: 42.
DM: Laughing maniacally, you detonate the hallway!
Alandris: I’m not evil!
Lorrithrik: Yeah you are!
DM: You just enjoy what you do.
Alandris: …yeah.
Damien: Do I hear this outside?
DM: Yes.. You actually see a blast of light from the encampment burst from the encampment as flames wash out of windows. When your flames at last fade you see five guards in smoking, ashen piles on the ground, and one guy in the back looking very singed and horrified.

Damien bolts for the encampment. Lorrithrik, hiding outside, sees flames bursting from windows and uses a spell to mimic the Sword Mage’s voice as a distraction. Alandris notes the guards actually running with amusement, pointing out that orogs never fled no matter how reduced to goo their comrades are. Niobhe casts Divine Power on herself, then promptly takes 45 points of damage from the sword. Tergol and Alandris charge on forward while Lorrithrik chugs a potion and Damien smashes through the front doors. Lorrithik’s player leaves for the night.

Niobhe: If this guy’s Gavin Tael, I don’t wanna kill him.
DM: He seems pretty intent on killing you!

The guard that fled Alandris and Tergol bursts into the room with those two worthies close on his heels. The fighter trips Niobhe, then delivers only five points of damage, then catches his sword in the door. Tergol attempts to open the door, but the guard is keeping it pulled shut. Alandris casts Shatter on the door.

DM: The door crumbles into splinters. As you watch, the guard stares at you. The doorknob clatters out of his limp hand.
Damien: He faints! He faints!
Tergol: What’s that smell?
Damien: He done pooped himself.
DM: Lorrithrik bursts down onto the balcony, hurling a web at the burly man, but it goes wide and splatters against the door.

Niobhe eats an AOO for 2 as she stands, then spearinates him through the arm. The man drops his sword and draws a dagger. Tergol tumbles through the guard’s square and into the room; the DM finally abandons all pretense that the fighter isn’t Gavin Tael as Tergol initiates a grapple, but is rebuffed.

Alandris: Is the guard still in my way?
DM: Yes!
Damien: Touch of Death.
Alandris: Not till next level.
DM: This is where you just step aside and point to the hallway, and he runs.
Alandris: I was actually gonna do that, I don’t know… if this campaign has taken that kind of turn… I don’t enjoy him letting me have this much fun now, because he’s gonna make me pay for it later.
Damien: Well, we’ve been fighting demons up till now, so this is the easy part.
Alandris: I’ll try just raising my hand and wiggling my fingers and see if that gets him to move.
DM: Roll an Intimidate check.
Alandris: What a waste. A fucking waste. I only roll natural 20s when it’s a complete waste. But that’s what I rolled. I should’ve tried to intimidate Gavin Tael instead.
DM: Tergol, the guard that he just intimidated is taking his delayed action. He is attempting to overbear you, just coincidentally by the fact that you’re in the way of his direct path away from the mage who’s threatening to blast him off the face of the earth. You get an attack of opportunity on him.
Tergol: Can… can I grapple him?
DM: You can!

Tergol trips the guard easily and immediately. Lorrithrik retreats. Gavin Tael drops his dagger, but the sword he dropped and a shortsword both appear in his hands.

DM: You’re lucky, he only got two hits on his five attacks. His rolling was shiiiiit!
Tergol: Yay!
DM: Oh my mistake, three attacks.
Tergol: Two out of the three, that makes me feel much better.
DM: No, three out of the five.
Tergol: Oh.

Tergol takes 31 slashing, 6 fire. Tergol responds by Mighty Throwing him ten feet away, leaving him prone. The DM bemoans not drawing the map. Alandris now has LOS on Gavin Tael.

DM: However, you will be firing into melee if you try to fire a ranged touch attack, so you’ll have a -4, just so you know!
Damien: Yeah, but for ranged tuck attacks, -4 isn’t much.
DM: Ha ha, Ranged Tuck Attack. “Fire FRIAR!” “Friarball!” You cast it and Friar Tucks appear and beat everyone with their clubs.

Alandris contemplates his many blast spells, leading Tergol to question if they’re trying to kill him or not. They laugh off the idea and Alandris Flame Strikes him. He saves. Alandris gets an AOO on the guard who was still lurching around. Damien appears on the scene to see Alandris clubbing that guard.

Damien: “I hope you guys are negotiating!”
Tergol: “Hey, come join the fun!”
Damien: “This is not going to end well!”
Tergol: “No, it’s not, but it’s fun!”

After damage is rolled, the guard collapses bonelessly.

Alandris: I want this guy to live, he’s been through so much!

Alandris attempts to retroactively switch to subdual damage, realizes he wouldn’t hit if he’d done that, and bids a find farewell to the ground. Niobhe heals the guard. Gavin Tael stands up, backing towards the balcony. The DM describes the scene in gruesome detail. Damien vows to never leave his teammates alone again. Tergol leaps forward to grapple again, seizing Gavin Tael. Alandris unleases a Magic Missile barrage. Damien… shrugs and goes with this mess. Many people pummel him for subdual damage. Gavin Tael breaks the grapple. Damien attempts to sunder his weapon, eats an AOO, then misses the roll by one point. Gavin Tael resists Tergol’s next grapple; Alandris unloads a Sonic Orb a him, failing to deafen him but injuring him.

Alandris: See, don’t worry about injuring this guy. Like, 45 minutes into this battle and he’s just now feeling our blows.

Niobhe nearly nukes Tergol by accident, but realizes her error and attempts to debuff him, but he saves.

DM: Here’s a hint, targeting the fighter with Fortitude saving throws is not going to work!

Gavin Tael swaps out weapons and claims that he’ll kill one of them before falling. The PCs wail in horror and shock, yelling that they’ve been holding back this entire time. Ignoring this, Gavin Tael strikes Tergol for 33 points of damage, then 20 points, and then rolls 4, 3, and 2 on his followup attacks. Damien uses some swordsage attack on Gavin Tael, who blows the Fort save, leaving him unable to act for a round. Niobhe heals Tergol.

DM: Damn your healing, I could kill you if not for that!

Alandris casts his slapping hand spell, giving everyone an AOO. They slap him around.

DM: Blood is trickling out of his mouth, both of his eyes are black, bruises all over his body-
Damien: (slapping the table frantically) Why are we DOING this?!
Niobhe: Because he won’t listen!
DM: His nose is broken in two different places-

Tergol full-attacks Gavin Tael for something like 26 damage; Damien delivers a final blow to drop him. Gavin Tael attempts to plunge his dagger into his own chest, to the players’ irritation and RAGE! Niobhe commands him to halt, but he saves, impales himself, but fails to slay himself! Niobhe promptly heals him. The DM points out that he kept fighting because he feared the PCs would commit bloodtheft on him. Tergol ties him up. Shocked and alarmed by this turn of events, the group ends the game with many a threat of vengeance against Lorrithrik.