(no subject)
Read Part 1 before this part!
DM: You all head for the entrance to the kingdom, which stands forth, beckoning you.
Sargassas: “I BECKON YOU.”
DM: Ralth, roll a Listen check!
Ralth: I hear… 17.
DM: All right, over the noise of your companions in half-plate and whatnot, and your own travel over the rocks, you hear nothing. You see the gates to the kingdom ahead of you.
Sargassas: Are they open or closed?
DM: They’re open. You get closer, you see what appears to be a zombie and a skeleton. One of them is pointing behind you while the skeleton’s going -- (making furious beckoning gestures)
Dian: What’s behind us?
DM: Do you turn and look?
Dian: No, I’m just gonna get a running start.
Ralth: I’ll sneak a peek.
DM: Remember that green dragon? This one’s larger.
Sargassas: I KNEW IT! I KNEW THE MOTHER WOULD BE AROUND HERE!
DM: And red.
Sargassas: I KNEW!
Dian: Red dragon! Define larger in meta-terms?
DM: It is… Large.
Iglar: How much larger, twice as large?
DM: Large SIZE.
Dian: Wasn’t the green dragon Large?
DM: It was Medium, the miniature was Large.
Sargassas: We are now fighting... the mini.
DM: It is now relative to you guys the actual size. However it’s far enough away from you that you can bolt into the gates.
Khoriane: Okay, bolting!
DM: You all tear into the kingdom. The skeleton quickly grabs a lever and yanks as a portcullis slams down, blocking off the outside world. Then they dive to the sides, and hopefully you guys as well, as a torrent of flames blasts through the hole.
Ralth: I’ll roll a Tumble check!
A brief pause ensues while the group clarifies to Sargassas just how draconic color-coding works. Then, unhurt, the group gets cocky…
Iglar: This dragon just used his breath weapon. Iglar’s going to step out from his hiding spot and chuck his spear - how far is it?
Sargassas: WHY - “Iglars, whys you dos this? This is a Large dragon, we are not ready for such a confrontation!”
DM: It swooped down, it’s right outside the gate. The range increment is only one. However you have a minus because you’re firing through the gate.
Dian: Oh great and noble creature…
Khoriane: 15 doesn’t hit then?
DM: It’s a ranged touch attack.
Dian: Let me call out through the opening in Draconic. “Is there something we can help you with, kind sir?”
DM: You actually hit.
Dian: You zapped the dragon? You could conceivably just plug away at it from here until it dies and we like level to six.
Khoriane: He wouldn’t let me.
Dian: Yes he WOULD, we’ve got rations! Course it’ll drop to ten hit points and then fly away.
Khoriane: Yeah, I’d be super-pissed.
Sargassas: Look, it’s a LARGE dragon, it probably has twice, if not three times the health the last dragon we fought had.
Iglar: That’s true. Iglar misses.
Sargassas: “Now can we stop trying to fight the big dragon please?”
DM: The dragon roars as it, you know, simply steps out of the line of sight of the portcullis.
Sargassas: “How longs that’s been there?”
Iglar: “That’s right, dragon, run!”
Sargassas: “I’m assuming that was the Master of the Kobolds.”
DM: “Yes, yes, it was!”
Dian: So they’ve been bringing the kobolds human, like, meals…
Sargassas: “You were trying to fights the kobolds?”
DM: “No, no, we were attacked! They assaulted us. We were trying to have some sort of productive negotiations with them but then the dragon emerged and simply slew the men that we sent out there.”
Sargassas: “No good.”
DM: “I don’t think you’ve made it any happier with us!”
Sargassas: “I would expect, Iglar… that I told you I TOLD YOUS many times we should not go back here. ‘No let’s go back here!’ he says, and now we’s gots to fight the large dragon! I did not prepare for large dragon combat!”
Iglar: “Baaaawk bawk bawk bawk bawk BAAAWK bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk.”
Sargassas: “You know what, YOU go out and fight the large dragon and I will bring your corpse back!”
Dian: This is like the second time in three years you’ve actually fought a dragon, I say bring them on!
Sargassas: “It’s a LARGE dragon, okay, this is beyond our CR level!”
Dian: That means by the time we get out of this business we’re about here we’ll be able to fight this thing.
Sargassas: FIRST OF ALL for a dragon encounter one of us would be of high level!
Dian: It’ll probably like February of next year when we finally get out of here…
Sargassas: ‘Cuz I guarantee you one of us will survive the encounter and be very strong for it.
Iglar: “In any case I don’t see how I made it any angrier since its diplomatic offer was a turn to flame.”
DM: “Well I think he’s gone from petty tyrant to actually being angry since you hurt it!”
Sargassas: Who hit it?
Iglar: Khori-
Sargassas: WHY?! “I’s do not understand why you feel it necessary-“
Khoriane: “What are you going to do, make friends with it?!”
Sargassas: “No, do not provoke it MORE!”
Dian: Well, it WAS trying to kills us anyway-
Khoriane: Yeah!
Sargassas: “What did you think would happen when you shot it? Did you think it would die? Pffft. NO!”
Khoriane: “I was hoping I was gonna hit it!”
Dian: “It’s a beginning…”
Iglar: “Well in any case, a petty tyrant respects a show of force, I think.”
Sargassas: “It’s a ---ing dragon!” (He actually censored himself saying that.) “They get angry when they get hurt!”
Iglar: “Whatever.”
Dian: “You’re a dragon sympathizer.”
Iglar: “Don’t you - you have warriors here, don’t you, and the… uh… the uh, great big warrior, there, with the jaw-“
Sargassas: “Do you think if they were able to use such things they wouldn’t have?”
DM: “THOU HAST REMEMBERED ME. THY KINDNESS IS MUCH APPRECIATED.”
Sargassas: Oh dear God! Break it!
DM: “KNOW HOWEVER THAT I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE ANTECHAMBER. I MAY NOT LEAVE.”
Sargassas: As like nine rocks fly out at the hinge.
DM: You hear one of the skeletons: “Who FIXED him, anyway?”
Dian: They liked him better before.
Sargassas: “Listen, I may - you may - I am not one for going to an adventures and finding things but I know what I can and cannot fight, and that thing out there, I know I cannot fight.”
Dian: “Yet.”
DM: Quick, let’s kill all of the undead!
Sargassas: “You know what, you keep calling me coward, I will now go slaughter your little kingdom here.” Out of character!
Dian: Go out there and start killing boars.
Sargassas: “You know what, let’s go open the portcullis gate, he’s going to take on the dragon personally.”
DM: “Really? The champion is gonna take on the dragon?! That’s awesome! We know you can do it!”
Sargassas: “I will resurrect your corpse and let you do it again! And again and again until you realize-“
DM: “He beat the old champion, sure he can beat a dragon!” “Yeah, what does a dragon have? It has wings. The old champion had a fucking pit!”
Sargassas: “He’s a champion, he could definitely take-“
Iglar: You mean the old champion was the strongest warrior?
DM: He was the strongest arena fighter.
Dian: Hence… his title as champion.
Sargassas: “You are now the champion, he could definitely take on the drake, can’t you?”
Iglar: “Umm, yes, I have slightly sprained my ankle, I need to wait until it heals.”
DM: “But you were just fine?”
Sargassas: “Did you know the job to babysit the king was worth 3,000 gold? 3000 gold. This job? 2500 gold. And our friend out there. I think we losts.”
DM: Who here actually speaks Draconic?: (Dian raises his hand) You’re the only one?
Sargassas: That was his job. My job was to speak to all goblin, and aqua people.
DM: Roll a Listen check.
Dian: Natural 20. How ‘bout that.
DM: All right. Through the portcullis you hear the dragon roaring in Draconic. Something about declaring eternal war on your blasphemous kingdom and so forth.
Dian: “Blasphemy you saaaay?”
DM: “Your association with those walking abominations of unlife shall not be forgiven!”
Sargassas: You reiterate - he reiterates - do you tell us what he said?
Dian: “He’s calling the kettle black.” I say, “Mr. Kettle, the pot called, he said you were black.”
DM: “From a dragonborn?! At least I was born a dragon, not some pitiful pretender to the title!”
Dian: “Oh you’re the true-blue evil abomination instead of the facsimile.”
DM: “Red, thank you. You might want to get your eyes checked. Apparently the process of becoming-“ (adopting a falsetto and fluttering his hands) -- “’Oh I’m a mister nancy boy dragon’ has interfered with your vision!”
Sargassas: (cracking up) I can just imagine the dragon sitting there flailing his arms like this…
Dian: “One of the red dragon’s racial aspects is that of “petty”! Petty childish sulking! You’re just angry your breath weapon is useless out there!”
DM: “You’re just angry YOU’re useless out here!”
Dian: “I’m not out there.”
DM: “That’s why!”
Dian: This is like arguing with the dragon Steve Currell.
Sargassas: (to Iglar) “All I know is, you have brought war on this kingdom. The human kingdom that you were so worried about is small in comparison to the giant fucking dragon.”
Dian: “You aren’t missing anything with the current exchange. Apparently this dragon’s kind of like a teenager.”
Sargassas: “Of course he’s a teenager, he’s only this big.”
Dian: “He’s old enough to fly, but his insurance is probably terrible.”
Sargassas: “We had to deal with a green dragon of that size before in my tribe, it took many men to slay him.”
Dian: “It took a whole raid.”
Sargassas: “Twenty-five noble…”
DM: Alternately ten, who he was somehow weaker for.
Sargassas: “It was kind of weird, we decided to go with ten and he suddenly got weaker, he shrunk a size, it was weird.”
Dian: “So we’re blasphemers. Well, you would have killed us just as dead before you got that little token you’re carrying.”
Sargassas: “That’s beside the point.”
DM: “In fairness, dead people don’t keep generating treasure which I can take for tribute, later. It would have been profitable to let you live and come back later with more pathetic leavings to drop upon my altar of sacrifice. But now! Now I’m just going to see this pathetic little kingdom of yours razed to the ground!”
Iglar: “Ask him how he’s planning to do that.”
Dian: “Well, your fire appears to be a few degrees short of the ability to melt stone…”
DM: “I just haven’t melted it long enough, but that’s beside the point! I have no need to blast through!”
Dian: “And what might your name be, O Terrible Conqueror?”
DM: “You couldn’t possibly begin to pronounce it!”
Dian: “I will call you Barrel-Rider. Fare well, O Barrel-Rider, we have business to attend to.” (plugs his ears)
DM: He just crosses Draconic off his sheet for a while, now.
Dian: “Thieves take care-“ How does the line go?
Khoriane: Burglar my nurglar shurglar?
Dian: “Adventurers take a bit of catching when they get a head start, and so do dragonnborn!”
DM: “Why is he running like that?”
Dian: “Because you never laugh at live dragons you foooooool!”
DM: “Fool of a Took.” (pausing) “Fool of a monk!”
Sargassas: “Anyway, we came back… Whys we come back? I don’t remember this crazy mission since the dragon appeared.”
DM: “It was so the champion could take on the dragon, right?” “Yeah, he’s come back to help us!”
Dian: The zombie and skeleton are like the two guys in Pirates of the Carribean. “Oy, I think he could go out there and take on that dragon!”
Sargassas: “’Cuz you see, my friend here was all, ‘I sense a dragon attacking my friends at the kingdom, we better go slay it!’”
DM: “Great! Go tell Weslan!” “Yeah, I’ll go get him!” The skeleton hurries off.
Iglar: Iglar is slightly confused but he’s slowly growing more bloodthirsty and proud!
DM: “The usual formality with the Watching Wyrm and we can get you in.”
Sargassas: Oh dear God, not this again.
DM: Since you haven’t come here to overtly lay waste to it, you’re all passed by the Watching WyYEEEEEEEP! This kitty is tickly! And stroppy! That’s a very fuzzy kitty! (picking up the pieces of his lost thread) You’re invited into the kingdom, and as you head down the halls to the main avenue you begin to hear a low cheering. You step out into the avenue proper and you see that even in the few days you’ve been gone much work has been done making this place more livable. It actually looks like a frickin’ kingdom now, instead of a collapse of rubble and debris. Lining the streets are the undead, cheering! The guy with the monocle advances forward, hand outstretched to shake the hand of whomever he can meet. “You’ve returned right when we needed you the most! I was beginning to lose hope now that that army of kobolds and their dragon lord had set up camp right on our front doorstep, almost. But now that you’ve returned, surely we can find some way to bring this to an end! Thank you for coming back! What is your plan, let us know!”
Iglar: As soon as he tells me what his problem is.
Sargassas: “Wes could have dealt with nice EASY halfling airship with army of tiny guys - pew! Pew!”
Iglar: “Cannons! Cannons, you’re forgetting about the cannons!”
Sargassas: “I can dodge them! But giant fire breath? Your shares of the treasure goes to me. When yous DIE. It’s too late now.”
Ralth succeeds in a fairly obvious Spot check and notes actual living people in the back of the crowd. A human, an elf, a gnome, and a halfling stand near what seems to be some sort of temple. Everyone’s suspicions are instantly raised, but Iglar remains in the midst of an undead fan crowd. Iglar refuses to be as stupid as Sargassas believes he is, and so prepares a plan. The dragon has no way to get in - short of kobold mining, so they seem safe for the moment. The party starts to believe the other party is adventurers, but then wise up and ask Weslan about their identities.
DM: “Oh, oh, oh, I should probably introduce you. To be brief, the female over there, the human female - her name is Asenath, I’ve forgetten her last name, it reflects very poorly on me. In any case, she’s a priestess. She’s come to minister to us.”
Iglar: “Really, a priestess. Of what deity, may I ask.”
DM: “The name is Chattel’la.”
Dian: “Do you know this name?
DM: “We are familiar with it. It seems most appropriate for our current situation.”
Sargassas: Oh-ho-ho-ho noooo.
DM: DUN DUN DUN!
Iglar starts interrogating Weslan, suspicious and trying to be crafty.
Iglar: “Oh, and, this is curious, so you say she is exactly what you need in your situation, why is that?”
Sargassas: (hauling Iglar over by the collar to faux-whisper) “She’s the one I was talking about in the meeting!”
Iglar: Don’t stretch my nice shirt…
DM: “I suppose as a more rough-and-tumble sort you might be unfamiliar with the nuances of the divine. The goddess they serves is the one of undeath, which describes our situation perfectly. Sargassas, are you all right over there?”
Sargassas: (who is having an outright conniption, clutching his head as he freaks out. He whimpers) “I’m fine!”
Dian: “It’s just a lizardman thing.”
Sargassas: “I’m molting at the moment!”
Iglar insists on continuing this in private, while Sargassas calls for Exterminatus. Iglar and Sargassas begin to squabble, but Weslan interrupts their whispered, heated discussion to send them to quarters prepared for them. He advises them that they’re in the midst of choosing a ruler as well.
Sargassas: (outright hysterical) This is gonna be worse than the boat adventure! This is gonna be so fucking worse! This may become a political battle!
DM: “Once we figure out how to decide it.”
Ralth: Pillow-fight!
DM: “We believe that the corpse of our old king may be most appropriate. We simply need to have him raised. He was not among the ones that returned to life.”
Dian: “I imagine the priest over there can assist you.”
DM: “Most true.”
Iglar is practically frantic trying to tell Weslan of their mission and what they know. Weslan sends him off to their quarters because he doesn’t want to talk about important things in front of everybody, which he finally tells Iglar outright in a complete abandonment of subtlety. The party tries to conceal themselves from the priestess, entirely too late to do any good, so they begin fretting over her presence. Welsan interrupts their whispered, heated discussion once again and finally gets them to their quarters. The party discusses their options to deal with the priestess.
DM: Something thunks into the door.
Iglar: Huh. “Hello?” (miming a door-open)
DM: Knife. Still quivering. There is a note pinned to the door. “U. R with an R. GOING. 2. DIE.” Skull and crossbones.
Iglar: “No we’re nooooot.”
Dian: That was a kobold.
Khoriane: Turn it over. “No. U.”
Ralth: Is there a servant around here?
DM: Servant downstairs.
Sargassas goes off on a tangent about fairy-eating frogs as a metaphor for his enemy, but Dian wonders if a fringe group of the undead is responsible.
Iglar: “Look, it’s obviously these followers of whomever…”
Dian: “But I think they’d have been more literate. YOU could have written a better note than that.”
Iglar: “Well… I do fancy myself something of an amateur calligrapher, but this is besides the point.”
Dian: “We’ll have to compare notes sometime.”
Dian feels it’s too obvious, too soon. Iglar decides to talk to “the monocle guy” first. Ralth stares at the Birthright map hanging on the wall.
DM: And Ralth wishes he were in Cerilia, where halflings can Shadow Walk.
Ralth: “I’d be outta here so quick.”
Dian: But it’s dangerous there.
DM: It’s dangerous to go alone!
The group heads off to speak with Weslan, still in disagreement over what to tell him. Iglar is convinced that telling Weslan that following Chattel’la will lead to hostility will make him see reason.
Dian: “But what do you plan to offer him as an alternative?”
Iglar: “Well, let us say that we have been sent - that outside kingdoms are already preparing for war, fearing the day that they will follow Chatel’la. And if their fears are proven true they will certainly march.”
Sargassas: “That will drive them CLOSER to the god for protection!”
Dian: “Try to understand the position they’re in. The only person they know -“
Ralth: Here’s what I do. Get a paper bag. Put a Thunderstone in there. Light it fire. Put it outside the shrine door.
Dian: (his entire explanation lost to comedy) “They’re in a very precarious situation.”
Sargassas: “Also in a very precarious situation is US.”
Dian: “And if they have the priest raise their king, it will be out of his hands anyway.”
Iglar: “Yes, exactly. If this is allowed to happen then certainly he will have control over this kingdom and she through him.”
Sargassas: “They want their king back. We cannot promise such things!”
Iglar: “There is power other than the gods! Not everyone must rely on them for protection, and-“
DM: Iglar’s gonna FIGHT the king back to life!
Ralth: Or desecrate the body enough so he can’t be revived.
Iglar: Now you’re talking. Holy water!
Ralth: I’m just, Iglar, there’s a possibility!
Sargassas: The whole reason we came byhere is for alignment, you’re gonna murder their king-
Iglar: No! He’s already dead!
Sargassas complains about alignment, while Iglar dismisses the dragon as an outside problem. Sargassas insists Iglar refuses to deal with the real problem: that Iglar can’t offer one good reason for the undead not to join to Chattel’la - but he has no ideas of his own, he freely admits.
Sargassas: “The only thing I can imagine us doing is confronting the other group of living beings and taking them out extremely discreetly.”
Dian: “And you don’t think perhaps the populace will be a bit suspicious that these other living beings were untimely removed-“
Sargassas: “Look, I said ‘extreme discreetly’! As long as she is here she can convince them that being with this undead goddess is good, and I can’t convince them otherwise!”
Dian: “I will not take part in an assassination.”
Sargassas: “Neither will I!”
Dian: “Then how to discreetly remove these troublemakers?”
Sargassas: “I said that was the plan, I did not say it was possible! I didn’t say I had a way of doing it, I’m telling you what needs to be done!”
DM: I’m going to ruin the best idea you guys could have possibly used. “Hey, cleric of Chattel’la, the dragon wants to talk to you! He’s thinking about converting!” You go outside, you find them dead next to each other, problem solved! It wouldn’t have actually worked.
Sargassas remains convinced that they should get the priest out of the picture, since they have nothing to offer, but Iglar insists they will listen to reason. He argues the priests can’t have told the whole details.
Sargassas: (hysterical again) We could’ve just been fighting some bloody airships! No political goddamn-
Dian: You think he wouldn’t have made that a nightmare for us too?!
Sargassas: Yes! It would not have been as bad as this. I guarantee it would not have been as bad.
Dian: It would only be fun when we remembered it, when we were reading the game report. While we were doing it: Not fun.
Sargassas: Would it have been as bad as this?
DM: (infuriatingly blithe) I’unno.
Sargassas: It would NOT have been as bad as this.
Dian: LOOK AT HIS FACE! HE’S A LIAR!
Sargassas: We’re looking at a political battle, and the possible chance they have a rogue-
Dian: We’ll assassinate! Is that what you want?
Sargassas: “All they have to do is kill someone and blame it on us.”
Dian: “So you want to beat them to the punch.”
DM: “We’ll kill someone, and blame it on us!”
Sargassas points out that if they discredit Iglar in any way, the party is done. Iglar starts to think maybe he should go out and fight the dragon. Sargassas agrees, believing it would put Iglar at the top of the heap, but Dian points out that he’d have to duel the other party instead if a crime occurs. They’re priests, so that should be safe. Iglar declares the discussion over and off they go to the palace. Ralth follows behind to do a Gather Information check. The DM waives the 1d4 hour requirement and tells him Chattel’la worship is increasing. Iglar and Sargassas start to get nasty. Sargassas, in high heat, grabs for a box of crackers.
Sargassas: IT’S EMPTY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! (hurling the box across the room)
DM: (helplessly laughing)
Iglar: Did we break the DM?
DM: PORK POPS!
To quote Dian, “The party is rendered useless for five minutes over the insinuations of pork worn on the finger, and it takes on one of those ‘you had to be there’ vibes.” The party at last reaches Weslan.
Iglar: “Sir, we need to speak to you to deliver the results of our mission.”
DM: “Yes yes, come in.” He waves the other guys away and heads out.
Sargassas: I really don’t think it’s a good to warn them that if they join this god, they will be attacked.
Dian: We need to give them an alternative.
Sargassas: We need to phrase it better.
Dian: Phrase it how? They’re not stupid.
DM: As you guys discuss hurriedly in the-
Iglar: No! Iglar discusses nothing! He’s grown very very tired of all this talking, and he says, “Sir, there is something you need to know.”
DM: “Yes, speak.”
Iglar: “I understand that each man’s choice of religion is his own business and everyone is free to choose his path. However, it would be best that all knowledge be brought forth and all information be made clear. There is something you should know about this goddess who the newcomers preach, in the outside world.” Iglar assumes a darker demeanor. (provoking laughter). He says, “I have spoken with many from the outside. Indeed we have spoken to the powerful in the Adventurers’ Guild, which controls many lands outside of here. Indeed they have told us and warned us against, and I regret to say, they have warned us against this goddess that the strangers preach. For they say, whatever the truth may be, it is their opinion that she does not merely seek followers but seeks to use her followers for, I regret to mention it, the conquest of the world. This is the prevailing opinion in the surrounding lands. I have spoken simply and I take it that you will understand the implications of the decision which you will make.”
DM: “As a living man I would have fought similarly. When this kingdom was once live and flourishing, we would have set against any gathering of the undead with shield and sword and spell. Funny how going to the other side, however involuntary, will change your perspective on things.”
Sargassas: “We all speak to preserver what we are, regardless of what that is.”
DM: “There is no other god that will have us. Those amongst us who were priests and followers have petitioned anyone and everyone they could. Only one goddess has offered a response.”
Iglar: “That is understandable, and yet… I dunno, I’m not a great persuader, or a great arguer, but I can tell you this, I follow no good and feel no worse for it.”
DM: “Consider this: Whether we follow the god or not, what will the response from the outside world be? I judge from your response that your mission of ambassadorship that we asked you to conduct went not at all well.”
Iglar: “Indeed.”
DM: “That does not surprise me, for as I said, if we knew of a kingdom of undead back when we were living, we too would have sought to scourge it from the world in service to our own gods, and desire to remove something horrid and unnatural.”
Dian: “But now you feel you have as much right to exist as any other.”
Sargassas: “Of course they do!”
Iglar: “But aren’t you afraid that your new mistress might demand of you more than merely service and worship, that she might send you - for they say in the lands outside that her goal is to dominate the lands of the living, not merely to protect the undead. Is this what you desire?”
Sargassas: “I wants to know what this cleric has told you thus far.”
Dian: “She is an evil goddess no matter what face you put on it.”
Sargassas: “I just wish to know if she has told you the truth and all.”
DM: “What truth do you refer to? We know she is the goddess of undeath. We know she is not well-beloved by many. We know that we fall within in her portfolio now and whether or not we choose to follow her she will nonetheless be ever watching and concerned with us.”
Sargassas: “No, I mean, what, like any preacher, I come forth and I say, ‘This is what I worship, this is what you must do to aid in the worship of said person, and these are the results of your worship.’ What has she promised for your contribution?”
DM: “First, that further who are dead shall be raised, that our numbers might be retained. For unlike a living population we have no way of making more of ourselves save through magic. Second, she hopes that in time some way can be found that will allow us to exist outside of these mountains. At the very least we might be able to go and please our cases in person, though I fear that might not be the case.”
Sargassas: “Of course, that is the problem, see? Even if you were - when she aids - IF she is able to aid you in such a manner - I say if not because I believe she cannot, I say if because I am not aware of how it would happen. Either way, if that was to happen, the moment you make that choice, the choice of negotiation is gone.”
DM: “Is it not already?”
Sargassas: “I do not know.”
Iglar: “Well, sir, look at it this way. There is an element of reality to the whole thing. I mean look at you! A mighty kingdom of undead under the mountain. Who in their right mind would try to storm into your kingdom.”
DM: “So far a dragon and an army of kobolds.”
Iglar: “Where are they now? Are they ravaging your cities? Are they destroying and burning? They’re held back by a mere gate. Certainly you can mount a better defense than this.”
Sargassas: “You speak as if they have an endless supply of resources and manpower. If the dragon wished to come into the mountain, the dragon has hundreds of thousands of years to wait. For the undead and the dragon themselves, time is not an issue. For the dragon, it’s inevitable.”
Iglar: “Yes, the kobolds can dig through mountains, I hear, but it is only a dragon. You could - what I’m saying is that there’s a third way between peace and love and outright war, there is… tense neutrality!”
DM: “You’re suggesting we barricade ourselves inside these mountains and fortify ourselves so that none may successfully assault us?”
Iglar: “…Yes!”
DM: “Well there are two matters behind that. The first is that the outside world can bring in far greater resources to the battle than we could ever hope to oppose. We have some few who still maintain some skill in magic, but power from the divine is not ours. A simple cleric could merely wade through our numbers by brandishing their holy symbol and making it shine bright enough that we all turn to dust. And then we could not replace the ones that had fallen. Eventually we would fall, and then the kingdom would be dust once again.”
Iglar: “You speak with fear! You speak with fear, that is all I can say.”
Sargassas: “Fear of destruction is what all beings of intelligence fear.”
Dian: “But then again, you speak with the confidence of ability behind you.”
Sargassas: “Obviously some of us are not beings of intelligence!”
DM: I like how Khori and Ralth just REFUSE to get involved in this…
Iglar: “There are foolish people out there who would blindly wade to war against you! But there are those who understand that such a battle would be very costly. We were sent here for a reason. If those outside merely wanted to destroy you why would they have sent us back?”
DM: “To spy on us.”
Iglar: “To spy on you… is correct. In fact we were instructed to-“
Sargassas: Oh my God!
DM: (calling the OOC action as IC) Sargassas falls off his chair, and heads for the door.
Sargassas: All of a sudden I gain the ability of chameleon-like abilities from my lizardfolk…
Iglar: “Oh come on, they’re not stupid! Do you think this man is stupid? No?”
Dian: “He knows our diplomacy mission didn’t go so well, so why else would we be back here?”
Iglar: “Look, nobody likes this goddess and we’re just trying to find out if she had come to seek followers among you, for you should know one more thing that we have not told you, and that is, that the dagger which slew the dragon seeking to become a dracolich belongs to them!” and he points -
DM: (observing where Iglar is actually pointing) To Khori.
Khoriane: “It wasn’t mine!”
Iglar: (quickly adjusting his point) “No, I mean the-“
DM: Ralth!
Iglar: (pointing straight up) “No, I mean-“
DM: The gods!
Dian: “It belongs to the Ministry of Chattel’la.”
Iglar: “Yes, that!”
Dian: “The very people now preaching their faith in your streets.”
Iglar: “All I’m saying is that there could be a greater plan at work. Do you want to be reduced to slaves of this goddess, or would you rather be as freemen? There are other magics there, in this world. And in my lands, many do not follow the wizardly path OR the path of the divine, they follow instead the path of the mind.”
DM: “By the way, if I may interrupt to ask, where did you find out about this dagger?”
Iglar: “Well, the Adventurers’ Guild has many resources.”
DM: “Well they can’t be trusted in any case.”
Iglar: “Why is that?”
DM: “Because the Guikd is what destroyed our kingdom to begin with!”
Iglar: “How so?”
DM: “It was their confederation of lands that waged war upon our kingdom, and reduced it to death and rubble!”
Iglar: “I don’t know this, this history is not my strong suit.”
Sargassas: “And once AGAIN this ‘history is not your strong suit’ has put us in a very precarious situation.”
Dian: Well… he’s making the effort to help them so that when they inevitably turn on us, we can’t be like, “He didn’t try!” They haven’t tried to clap us in iron…
Sargassas: “Listen what they want to do. Even from the beginning, they told us they wanted to expand, to grow as a people. They can’t do that being holed up in a mountain.”
DM: “At the very least we don’t want to keep losing people until there are none left. Iglar, what you say makes a great deal of sense. The problem is, I don’t know if it’s a viable alternative. What I propose to you is this. I am merely a guard for the leadership at this time. If we can have our king raised, I propose you speak to him. He is a man of strong will and keen intellect. His decision will see more clearly into this matter than mine can.”
Iglar: “Raised… can you tell me more about this? What sort of… how do you know that he will retain his keen intellect after he is raised?”
DM: “The understandings of our scholars… I told you we had a few of some wizardly knowledge left-“
Khoriane: “I think the question is, what guaranteed do we have that it’s your king’s soul in his body now that he’s been raised by the priestess?”
DM: “Well, I was TRYING to answer that. The understanding is, the normal spell -it’s called Animate Dead -- when cast on an ordinary corpse in ordinary circumstances, restores it to mindless life. However, from the determinations they have made, the essence that pervades this kingdom now, this mountain, after the death of that dragon… it appears that any ordinary corpse which is raised as the undead will retain the intelligence it had in life. Whether or not we have souls is a matter I can’t even begin to consider. It’s possible all of us have been condemned to hell and we are nothing but shambling soulless beings with nothing but raw intellect to face the world.”
Sargassas: “Memories of what you were.”
Khoriane: “That’s not something I…”
DM: “It is a possibility. I cannot say. In any case, what we know is that if the simplest casting of this spell were to restore our king to unlife, it would be his own intelligence, thanks to the magic of the dead dragon which pervades this land.”
Iglar: “So what is the problem then? Why hasn’t the king been raised yet, if it is such a simple matter?”
Dian: “The goddess would probably like a little say-so of, ‘yeah, we’ll help you out if you help us out’.”
DM: “Well, in large part it’s because we’re not entirely certain as a people that this is what we want to do. There is a splinter faction amongst us who believe a ruler should be chosen in a different manner, that our king was not raised with us for a reason and should be left to the peace of death rather than woken up.”
Sargassas: “What does this other faction feel about…”
DM: “They feel that those who did not wake up are those who have become blessed in some way, and have avoided this curse.”
Sargassas: “No, what do they feel about the priestess? Does her methods of bringing back the king anger them?”
DM: “They do not wish to see anyone animated from the dead once again, at least no one who was not animated here in this kingdom. I suppose if a corpse were brought in from outside they would have no problem with it, but I can’t begin to guess at their philosophy.
Sargassas: “Great Iglar, when you die by dragon we can bring you here and bring you back!”
Iglar: “All right, well, I’ve said my piece, I am not a great man of… convincing.”
Dian: “How does that faction feel the new leadership should be selected?”
Sargassas: “Via COMBAT!”
Dian: “Well that’s the old way. It would probably be a series of trials. That’s normally the way that these are conducted.”
Sargassas: “Trials of leadership… cunning, charisma, strength.”
Dian: DO IT!
Iglar: NO!
Dian: DO IT!
Iglar: NO!
Sargassas: “See, that’s what you should vie for leadership of the kingdom.”
Dian: Master debater…
Sargassas: “That’s it! I kill you, you become undead-“
Dian: Welcome to the undead version of “It’s Academic!”
Sargassas: “You fight and become their king and you can decide!”
Iglar: “Unfortunately being undead would deprive me of my one true passion.”
Sargassas: We go back to Vexian. “We’ve done it! Everything is solved!” “What happened to Iglar?” “He had to stay in the kingdom, he’s the undead kingdom.” That’s when Ripley comes out. “We nuked the kingdom from orbit.” Damn you Ripley!
Dian: (doing the People’s Court theme, replacing “people” with various undead terms)
Iglar: “Weslan, one more thing before I forget. Someone left us a note… and sadly, this dagger…”
DM: “What?! Who would DO such a thing?!”
Dian: “We were hoping you could enlighten us-“
Khoriane: “It was the elf.”
Sargassas: “We have no proof of thatssss.”
Khoriane: “The innkeeper said that he came up to speak with us and left shortly thereafter.”
Dian: “Well… is the elf an... unlettered type of individual?”
DM: “I don’t know, I’ve never had cause…”
Sargassas: A retarded elf!
Dian: “Well I mean, a creature who maybe hasn’t had much to do with the written word.”
DM: “If you wish we can send for him and have him questioned.”
Dian: That note looks like graffiti from Borderlands, you know.
Sargassas: I’m just having all this trouble envisioning a retarded elf!
DM: You got a purdy mouth, boy.
Sargasas: Just a regular looking elf and his half-retarded brother. He’s the Rainman of elves…
Iglar: “So Weslan, it seems to me-“ Wait, hey guys, he might have propositioned us, what was…?
Sargassas: No he didn’t, all he said was that this faction was planning on choosing the king, and I came up with this CRAZY idea of you running for king. “You are the champion of their people!”
Iglar: “I’m no king! I’m a drunkard, and a warrior. I’m no king, c’mon. You be king! You’re a wise man, charismatic too…”
Sargassas: “All right, look. The moment I became king is the moment my god gave me the task of wiping it out.
DM: Starting with YOURSELF! “TURN UND-“ Boom! You know, when clerics turn undead, you turn the closest undead to you, so wouldn’t the first one on your list always be yourself?
Sargassas: “Listen, one of our greatest tribal leaders, Zarthian Zarkothith. Great leader. Drunkard. But he took many lands and we very happy for the years he was there, until he died of lizard - liver poisoning.”
DM: I thought you were gonna say, “He was eaten by lizardmen.”
Sargassas: “He was eaten by his brother. Slowly apparently. He never noticed his brother nibbling on him. First his tail, then his foot…”
DM: And this is why you DON’T want a very drunk king.
Iglar: Iglar is once again getting tired of talking-
Sargassas: Just in the middle of conversation, “I am tired of talking now!”
Ralth: “Iglar sleep now!”
Iglar: “Weslan, there is… I mean… You’re a smart man, I can tell by the way you speak you have far more intelligence than say, ME. I’m sure you can find another solution than following a goddess who would make you the enemy of the other lands. Sure, there might be a tense peace, or some negotiations, but I’m sure you’re a better diplomat than I.”
DM: “Iglar, the problem with that is that diplomacy with other lands tend to go like this: ‘We come in p-‘ ‘Undead! Kill them!’ And it breaks down from there.”
Sargassas: “Sadly he is correct, there is many other… parishes that are far more, let’s say, unresponsive as me. Trust me, if it was any other cleric besides me, probably not be talking.”
DM: “I understand your people see things in much… broader terms than do most people.”
Sargassas: “Oddly enough I find it much easier to talk with you than most people. Talking with humans is like talking to a delicious cow. ‘Why I talk to you, human? I should be eating you!’”
DM: Five experience for that.
Dian: Well, we’re stuck here, whaddya think we should do now?
Iglar: I think we should wait for the right chance. “So Weslan, what about this dragon? Is he a real threat, c’mon, honestly, man-to-man, or is this just a mountain menace wandering menace?”
DM: “It’s a DRAGON.”
Sargassas: “It is a real threat.”
DM: “And the kobolds appear to follow him. Their problem is, they’re weak individually, but they have the advantage of numbers. And the fact that if one of us drops back down, they can get back up again! They have some small amount of healing. They have shamans among their people!”
Iglar: “I see your dilemma.”
The characters decide to meet with the other faction; Sargassas also wants to meet with the priestess. The conversation wanders back to the old Birthright game for some reason. The group discovers the old champion is the leader of the splinter faction; Weslan explains that the undead do slowly ‘heal’ over time if they are not destroyed, so the champion survived his injuries at Iglar’s hands. At this meeting of old and new champions, Rocky jokes ensue. The group at last leaves Weslan. Sargassas gets, bizarrely, a dinner date with the priestess; he spends the rest of the game being utterly baffled about the fact. The message is carried by the elf.
DM: The elf keeps eyeing you, patting his dagger.
Ralth: I pat my dagger too.
Iglar: I give him a smile, bearing sets of teeth as large as hot dogs.
DM: The elf is male, and it appears he doesn’t have much common sense. It seems pretty obvious he believes he can take any of you.
Dian: He’s the Bond villain’s bodyguard.
Iglar: As he turns to go, Iglar will say, “By the way that’s a very nice dagger. I clean my nails with a bigger one though.”
Sargassas: That’s too much like, “You call that a knoife? THIS is a knoife!” Bring out a stick with a huge knife attached to it.
Dian: Maybe you should take the dagger and toss it back to him, just like, “Here you go.” After you snap it.
The group continues to subtly threaten the elf. Iglar does break the dagger, then tosses it back. They even ask him about the letter; the DM tells him that they’re gonna find the letter stuck to their door again. Ralth steals his dagger. Then, off to talk to the old champion at the arena!
DM: When you indicate that you want to speak to the old champ, the guys sort of just look at you for a minute and then hurry off. In the couple of minutes that it takes for them to get back, you notice a crowd has begun to gather, all of them looking at you expectantly.
Iglar: “Aww come on guys, I’m not here to fight.”
DM: “What? You’re not here to fight?” “Iglar’s not going to fight the old champ?” “Iglar’s afraid of the old champ!” “But Iglar beat him once already, why would he be afraid?” “Iglar thinks the champ isn’t worthy of a rematch!”
Iglar: “Rematch?!”
The crowd continues to frenzy in the background as Iglar tries to get out of rematches. They find the old champ in a luxurious chair, loafing.
DM: “IGLAAAAR! How great to see you again! You’ve come for a rematch! I’ve been looking forward to winning my title back from you!”
Iglar: “Hello sir, I got a question for you actually, I’m afraid it’s something much less noble than a rematch. It’s a matter of politics. Do you mind if we?”
DM: “I’ll answer your question if you give me a rematch! Let’s go. Naw, I’m just kidding you. Ask away!”
Iglar: “Here’s what I’ve been thinking. There’s talk here that all of y’all are gonna gang up with this goddess who sent her messenger here, and she’s gonna raise many number of you and make your number great, so that when these people in the outside world who mistrust and hate you will have a great army on their hands to deal with.”
DM: “Well, that’s one way of putting it I suppose, that isn’t really what we had in mind. And frankly I don’t approve of a plan of raising any of the old kingdom anyway. They didn’t come back, they’re the lucky ones, they should be left dead.”
Iglar: “Why do you think that, why do you think they’re the lucky ones?”
DM: “Because they didn’t come back - LOOK AT ME! I’M ALL BONE! I can do this!” He starts putting his hands between his ribs. “That’s not cool! No one wants to do that!”
Sargassas: Iglar’s like, “I dunno about that!”
DM: “Lemme try it!” Sqlish! Iglar is raised as the undead.
Iglar: “Okay, I see, well, how do you think the leader should be chosen then?”
DM: “Probably have some sort of trial. They used to have these back in the day when there was some dispute over who the rightful monarch was. There was a series of trials, there was the Trial of Combat, the Trial of Ordeals, the Trial of Leadership, the Trial of Knowledge, there’s one other I don’t remember because I wasn’t involved in this, but anyway. There were the five trials that the leader had to go to, let’s pick a leader like that! In the old traditional way!”
Ralth: Iglar. You run for leader. Decree they kill the priestess. Then step down.
Iglar: There’s a trial of leadership and a trial of knowledge in there, if you haven’t…
Sargassas: I have a disguise kit.
DM: It’s Sargassas and Ralth on his shoulders…
The group works on this plan for no good reason for a while, till Sargassas asks how many people are in the trial - anywhere between five and eleven is the answer.
Iglar: “What do you think of following this priestess besides the whole raising thing?”
DM: “It’s a sensible idea. I mean we gotta have some way to raise the others.”
Iglar: “But you just said they shouldn’t be raised!”
DM: “No, no, the people IN the kingdom shouldn’t be raised. When we kill people on the outside we bring them back here and THEN we raises them.”
Iglar: “Hmm, so you’re planning to kill people on the outside, huh?”
DM: “Of course, how else would we get people to raise?”
Iglar: “Huh.”
Sargassas: (cracks up) I just picture Sargassas sitting there, looking at him, just staring up at him, like, “Oh, just keep going, old champion, tell us more about your plans!”
DM: Iglar found more bad guys!
Sagrassas: Yes, Iglar’s like, “You plan on taking out that small villagethat we scouted out earlier. TELL US MORE! Please go on! Iglar wants to hear all about it. I wanted so bad for this kingdom to be kinda evil, they just had a pleasant face, and him to be WRONG. So wrong.
Iglar: Yes, Iglar is struck quite speechless. He says, not having anything better to say, he says, “What if they don’t want to be killed?”
DM: “Then they shouldn’t have been defeated in combat!”
Sargassas: Iglar sleep now!
DM: “I don’t have anything to say so I’m losing consciousness!”
Iglar: “Well suppose you go outside looking for combat and they don’t agree to your challenge, what then? What if they say ‘I am far weaker than you, I don’t want to fight you.’?”
DM: “War doesn’t usually work that way.”
Iglar: “War? Why does everyone speak of war?! That is not honorable combat.”
DM: “What?! What more honorable profession is there than that of the noble soldier, fighting out to defend your kingdom!”
Iglar: “From who?”
DM: “…others?”
Iglar: “Well, what if the others don’t attack?”
DM: “What are the chances of that, we’re the frickin’ undead!”
Khoriane: “We didn’t attack you.”
DM: “You’re not another kingdom, are you? If you guys declare sovereignty then we have words, because you’re kind of invading our kingdom So I don’t think -- which one of you would be king anyway? I don’t think you guys could even decide that, no offense to y’all.”
The players take a moment to fantasize about crashing airships in the easiest most rewarding mission ever. The DM paints a different picture, in which the words ‘adventurer-raping traps’ are used.
Iglar: “It’s true the living mistrust the undead, but you can hardly blame them, as I’m sure you’re aware. But we were sent here for a reason, and that reason is: War is not inevitable.”
DM: “Welp, that’s one way to put it, but I want you to consider this: if we didn’t go to war and take prisoners, how would we get more people?”
Khoriane: “There are people that haven’t been raised here-“
DM: “Those WERE our people. Now they’re at peace.”
Sargassas: “That’s a GOOD question, old champion. IGLAR! Would you like to answer the man’s question?!”
Dian: But where IS Dr. Wily?
Ralth: That’s a good question.
Iglar: “Why do you want more people anyway?”
DM: “How else would replace our losses?”
Iglar: “What losses?”
DM: “Well we just lost like 20 frickin’ people to a dragon and his kobolds.”
Sagrassas: What if they bring back the kobolds, have a little population of kobolds running around?
Iglar: “There’s many who you could fight who would not necessarily be-“
Sargassas: Iglar’s like, “It’s okay to wipe out some fucking kobolds, and some goblins… but don’t attack the humans!”
Iglar: “Look, I’m a warrior, I’m not afraid of war, the only thing was, it seemed that your leader sent us forth on a mission of peace. If that was just pretense, if you guys just totally want to fight, I totally understand it, believe me. If war is all that you want!”
DM: “Iglar. Iglar. Weslan? Smart guy. Good guy. Idealistic guy. Naïve, yeah… you really think peace is gonna happen? Would you care to wager money on it?”
Sargassas: For a warrior you’re surprisingly naïve, Iglar. I figured your character would be all about murdering the undead. That was such a twist, early on.
DM: All right, you fail to realize two basic things. Three actually. First, they gave Iglar honorable combat. Second, when he won the combat, they gave him shit. Third, he got their alcohol.
Sargassas: …Yeah.
DM: Triangle COMPLETE!
Iglar: “Did you even see this horn, Sargassas?”
DM: “Iglar, think of it this way, maybe it’ll help you deal with it better. If this were a human kingdom, we go to war, we capture people, and then we would have slaves to do our bidding. This is the same thing except the people are dead for a little bit in between, okay? That phrase it a little better for you? That give you a better outlook on it?”
Iglar: “Well, yes, but-“
DM: Slavery is A-okay!
Iglar: “I know that you are mighty warriors and I have every faith in your ability, but look at it plainly, this kingdom was wiped out once before and it could be wiped out again. Do you really want to take that chance?”
DM: “Well, it seems we’re taking that chance just by existing! We’re the undead! We’re scary! We’re the boogeyman hiding under your bed! By the way, check under your bed tonight.”
Iglar: “Yeah, what about the death threats?”
DM: “What about them?”
Iglar: “Do you know who they’re from?”
DM: “Well ya have to tell me what death threats they are.”
Iglar: “I presumed you knew about them since you made the bed comment.”
DM: “…oh, no, I was saying we’re the undead, we like to hide under beds and…”
Sargassas: It was a joke!
Iglar: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
DM: Has Iglar got more idealism to be crushed under the heel of cold cruel reality, or is he done here?
Iglar: He’s done.
DM: Iglar’s gonna go cry himself to sleep now.
Iglar contemplates suicide by dragon; the others consider slaughtering the undead for experience. Iglar had to go ten minutes ago, so the game at last comes to an end, to the immense relief of your transcriptionist. Yow.
DM: You all head for the entrance to the kingdom, which stands forth, beckoning you.
Sargassas: “I BECKON YOU.”
DM: Ralth, roll a Listen check!
Ralth: I hear… 17.
DM: All right, over the noise of your companions in half-plate and whatnot, and your own travel over the rocks, you hear nothing. You see the gates to the kingdom ahead of you.
Sargassas: Are they open or closed?
DM: They’re open. You get closer, you see what appears to be a zombie and a skeleton. One of them is pointing behind you while the skeleton’s going -- (making furious beckoning gestures)
Dian: What’s behind us?
DM: Do you turn and look?
Dian: No, I’m just gonna get a running start.
Ralth: I’ll sneak a peek.
DM: Remember that green dragon? This one’s larger.
Sargassas: I KNEW IT! I KNEW THE MOTHER WOULD BE AROUND HERE!
DM: And red.
Sargassas: I KNEW!
Dian: Red dragon! Define larger in meta-terms?
DM: It is… Large.
Iglar: How much larger, twice as large?
DM: Large SIZE.
Dian: Wasn’t the green dragon Large?
DM: It was Medium, the miniature was Large.
Sargassas: We are now fighting... the mini.
DM: It is now relative to you guys the actual size. However it’s far enough away from you that you can bolt into the gates.
Khoriane: Okay, bolting!
DM: You all tear into the kingdom. The skeleton quickly grabs a lever and yanks as a portcullis slams down, blocking off the outside world. Then they dive to the sides, and hopefully you guys as well, as a torrent of flames blasts through the hole.
Ralth: I’ll roll a Tumble check!
A brief pause ensues while the group clarifies to Sargassas just how draconic color-coding works. Then, unhurt, the group gets cocky…
Iglar: This dragon just used his breath weapon. Iglar’s going to step out from his hiding spot and chuck his spear - how far is it?
Sargassas: WHY - “Iglars, whys you dos this? This is a Large dragon, we are not ready for such a confrontation!”
DM: It swooped down, it’s right outside the gate. The range increment is only one. However you have a minus because you’re firing through the gate.
Dian: Oh great and noble creature…
Khoriane: 15 doesn’t hit then?
DM: It’s a ranged touch attack.
Dian: Let me call out through the opening in Draconic. “Is there something we can help you with, kind sir?”
DM: You actually hit.
Dian: You zapped the dragon? You could conceivably just plug away at it from here until it dies and we like level to six.
Khoriane: He wouldn’t let me.
Dian: Yes he WOULD, we’ve got rations! Course it’ll drop to ten hit points and then fly away.
Khoriane: Yeah, I’d be super-pissed.
Sargassas: Look, it’s a LARGE dragon, it probably has twice, if not three times the health the last dragon we fought had.
Iglar: That’s true. Iglar misses.
Sargassas: “Now can we stop trying to fight the big dragon please?”
DM: The dragon roars as it, you know, simply steps out of the line of sight of the portcullis.
Sargassas: “How longs that’s been there?”
Iglar: “That’s right, dragon, run!”
Sargassas: “I’m assuming that was the Master of the Kobolds.”
DM: “Yes, yes, it was!”
Dian: So they’ve been bringing the kobolds human, like, meals…
Sargassas: “You were trying to fights the kobolds?”
DM: “No, no, we were attacked! They assaulted us. We were trying to have some sort of productive negotiations with them but then the dragon emerged and simply slew the men that we sent out there.”
Sargassas: “No good.”
DM: “I don’t think you’ve made it any happier with us!”
Sargassas: “I would expect, Iglar… that I told you I TOLD YOUS many times we should not go back here. ‘No let’s go back here!’ he says, and now we’s gots to fight the large dragon! I did not prepare for large dragon combat!”
Iglar: “Baaaawk bawk bawk bawk bawk BAAAWK bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk.”
Sargassas: “You know what, YOU go out and fight the large dragon and I will bring your corpse back!”
Dian: This is like the second time in three years you’ve actually fought a dragon, I say bring them on!
Sargassas: “It’s a LARGE dragon, okay, this is beyond our CR level!”
Dian: That means by the time we get out of this business we’re about here we’ll be able to fight this thing.
Sargassas: FIRST OF ALL for a dragon encounter one of us would be of high level!
Dian: It’ll probably like February of next year when we finally get out of here…
Sargassas: ‘Cuz I guarantee you one of us will survive the encounter and be very strong for it.
Iglar: “In any case I don’t see how I made it any angrier since its diplomatic offer was a turn to flame.”
DM: “Well I think he’s gone from petty tyrant to actually being angry since you hurt it!”
Sargassas: Who hit it?
Iglar: Khori-
Sargassas: WHY?! “I’s do not understand why you feel it necessary-“
Khoriane: “What are you going to do, make friends with it?!”
Sargassas: “No, do not provoke it MORE!”
Dian: Well, it WAS trying to kills us anyway-
Khoriane: Yeah!
Sargassas: “What did you think would happen when you shot it? Did you think it would die? Pffft. NO!”
Khoriane: “I was hoping I was gonna hit it!”
Dian: “It’s a beginning…”
Iglar: “Well in any case, a petty tyrant respects a show of force, I think.”
Sargassas: “It’s a ---ing dragon!” (He actually censored himself saying that.) “They get angry when they get hurt!”
Iglar: “Whatever.”
Dian: “You’re a dragon sympathizer.”
Iglar: “Don’t you - you have warriors here, don’t you, and the… uh… the uh, great big warrior, there, with the jaw-“
Sargassas: “Do you think if they were able to use such things they wouldn’t have?”
DM: “THOU HAST REMEMBERED ME. THY KINDNESS IS MUCH APPRECIATED.”
Sargassas: Oh dear God! Break it!
DM: “KNOW HOWEVER THAT I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE ANTECHAMBER. I MAY NOT LEAVE.”
Sargassas: As like nine rocks fly out at the hinge.
DM: You hear one of the skeletons: “Who FIXED him, anyway?”
Dian: They liked him better before.
Sargassas: “Listen, I may - you may - I am not one for going to an adventures and finding things but I know what I can and cannot fight, and that thing out there, I know I cannot fight.”
Dian: “Yet.”
DM: Quick, let’s kill all of the undead!
Sargassas: “You know what, you keep calling me coward, I will now go slaughter your little kingdom here.” Out of character!
Dian: Go out there and start killing boars.
Sargassas: “You know what, let’s go open the portcullis gate, he’s going to take on the dragon personally.”
DM: “Really? The champion is gonna take on the dragon?! That’s awesome! We know you can do it!”
Sargassas: “I will resurrect your corpse and let you do it again! And again and again until you realize-“
DM: “He beat the old champion, sure he can beat a dragon!” “Yeah, what does a dragon have? It has wings. The old champion had a fucking pit!”
Sargassas: “He’s a champion, he could definitely take-“
Iglar: You mean the old champion was the strongest warrior?
DM: He was the strongest arena fighter.
Dian: Hence… his title as champion.
Sargassas: “You are now the champion, he could definitely take on the drake, can’t you?”
Iglar: “Umm, yes, I have slightly sprained my ankle, I need to wait until it heals.”
DM: “But you were just fine?”
Sargassas: “Did you know the job to babysit the king was worth 3,000 gold? 3000 gold. This job? 2500 gold. And our friend out there. I think we losts.”
DM: Who here actually speaks Draconic?: (Dian raises his hand) You’re the only one?
Sargassas: That was his job. My job was to speak to all goblin, and aqua people.
DM: Roll a Listen check.
Dian: Natural 20. How ‘bout that.
DM: All right. Through the portcullis you hear the dragon roaring in Draconic. Something about declaring eternal war on your blasphemous kingdom and so forth.
Dian: “Blasphemy you saaaay?”
DM: “Your association with those walking abominations of unlife shall not be forgiven!”
Sargassas: You reiterate - he reiterates - do you tell us what he said?
Dian: “He’s calling the kettle black.” I say, “Mr. Kettle, the pot called, he said you were black.”
DM: “From a dragonborn?! At least I was born a dragon, not some pitiful pretender to the title!”
Dian: “Oh you’re the true-blue evil abomination instead of the facsimile.”
DM: “Red, thank you. You might want to get your eyes checked. Apparently the process of becoming-“ (adopting a falsetto and fluttering his hands) -- “’Oh I’m a mister nancy boy dragon’ has interfered with your vision!”
Sargassas: (cracking up) I can just imagine the dragon sitting there flailing his arms like this…
Dian: “One of the red dragon’s racial aspects is that of “petty”! Petty childish sulking! You’re just angry your breath weapon is useless out there!”
DM: “You’re just angry YOU’re useless out here!”
Dian: “I’m not out there.”
DM: “That’s why!”
Dian: This is like arguing with the dragon Steve Currell.
Sargassas: (to Iglar) “All I know is, you have brought war on this kingdom. The human kingdom that you were so worried about is small in comparison to the giant fucking dragon.”
Dian: “You aren’t missing anything with the current exchange. Apparently this dragon’s kind of like a teenager.”
Sargassas: “Of course he’s a teenager, he’s only this big.”
Dian: “He’s old enough to fly, but his insurance is probably terrible.”
Sargassas: “We had to deal with a green dragon of that size before in my tribe, it took many men to slay him.”
Dian: “It took a whole raid.”
Sargassas: “Twenty-five noble…”
DM: Alternately ten, who he was somehow weaker for.
Sargassas: “It was kind of weird, we decided to go with ten and he suddenly got weaker, he shrunk a size, it was weird.”
Dian: “So we’re blasphemers. Well, you would have killed us just as dead before you got that little token you’re carrying.”
Sargassas: “That’s beside the point.”
DM: “In fairness, dead people don’t keep generating treasure which I can take for tribute, later. It would have been profitable to let you live and come back later with more pathetic leavings to drop upon my altar of sacrifice. But now! Now I’m just going to see this pathetic little kingdom of yours razed to the ground!”
Iglar: “Ask him how he’s planning to do that.”
Dian: “Well, your fire appears to be a few degrees short of the ability to melt stone…”
DM: “I just haven’t melted it long enough, but that’s beside the point! I have no need to blast through!”
Dian: “And what might your name be, O Terrible Conqueror?”
DM: “You couldn’t possibly begin to pronounce it!”
Dian: “I will call you Barrel-Rider. Fare well, O Barrel-Rider, we have business to attend to.” (plugs his ears)
DM: He just crosses Draconic off his sheet for a while, now.
Dian: “Thieves take care-“ How does the line go?
Khoriane: Burglar my nurglar shurglar?
Dian: “Adventurers take a bit of catching when they get a head start, and so do dragonnborn!”
DM: “Why is he running like that?”
Dian: “Because you never laugh at live dragons you foooooool!”
DM: “Fool of a Took.” (pausing) “Fool of a monk!”
Sargassas: “Anyway, we came back… Whys we come back? I don’t remember this crazy mission since the dragon appeared.”
DM: “It was so the champion could take on the dragon, right?” “Yeah, he’s come back to help us!”
Dian: The zombie and skeleton are like the two guys in Pirates of the Carribean. “Oy, I think he could go out there and take on that dragon!”
Sargassas: “’Cuz you see, my friend here was all, ‘I sense a dragon attacking my friends at the kingdom, we better go slay it!’”
DM: “Great! Go tell Weslan!” “Yeah, I’ll go get him!” The skeleton hurries off.
Iglar: Iglar is slightly confused but he’s slowly growing more bloodthirsty and proud!
DM: “The usual formality with the Watching Wyrm and we can get you in.”
Sargassas: Oh dear God, not this again.
DM: Since you haven’t come here to overtly lay waste to it, you’re all passed by the Watching WyYEEEEEEEP! This kitty is tickly! And stroppy! That’s a very fuzzy kitty! (picking up the pieces of his lost thread) You’re invited into the kingdom, and as you head down the halls to the main avenue you begin to hear a low cheering. You step out into the avenue proper and you see that even in the few days you’ve been gone much work has been done making this place more livable. It actually looks like a frickin’ kingdom now, instead of a collapse of rubble and debris. Lining the streets are the undead, cheering! The guy with the monocle advances forward, hand outstretched to shake the hand of whomever he can meet. “You’ve returned right when we needed you the most! I was beginning to lose hope now that that army of kobolds and their dragon lord had set up camp right on our front doorstep, almost. But now that you’ve returned, surely we can find some way to bring this to an end! Thank you for coming back! What is your plan, let us know!”
Iglar: As soon as he tells me what his problem is.
Sargassas: “Wes could have dealt with nice EASY halfling airship with army of tiny guys - pew! Pew!”
Iglar: “Cannons! Cannons, you’re forgetting about the cannons!”
Sargassas: “I can dodge them! But giant fire breath? Your shares of the treasure goes to me. When yous DIE. It’s too late now.”
Ralth succeeds in a fairly obvious Spot check and notes actual living people in the back of the crowd. A human, an elf, a gnome, and a halfling stand near what seems to be some sort of temple. Everyone’s suspicions are instantly raised, but Iglar remains in the midst of an undead fan crowd. Iglar refuses to be as stupid as Sargassas believes he is, and so prepares a plan. The dragon has no way to get in - short of kobold mining, so they seem safe for the moment. The party starts to believe the other party is adventurers, but then wise up and ask Weslan about their identities.
DM: “Oh, oh, oh, I should probably introduce you. To be brief, the female over there, the human female - her name is Asenath, I’ve forgetten her last name, it reflects very poorly on me. In any case, she’s a priestess. She’s come to minister to us.”
Iglar: “Really, a priestess. Of what deity, may I ask.”
DM: “The name is Chattel’la.”
Dian: “Do you know this name?
DM: “We are familiar with it. It seems most appropriate for our current situation.”
Sargassas: Oh-ho-ho-ho noooo.
DM: DUN DUN DUN!
Iglar starts interrogating Weslan, suspicious and trying to be crafty.
Iglar: “Oh, and, this is curious, so you say she is exactly what you need in your situation, why is that?”
Sargassas: (hauling Iglar over by the collar to faux-whisper) “She’s the one I was talking about in the meeting!”
Iglar: Don’t stretch my nice shirt…
DM: “I suppose as a more rough-and-tumble sort you might be unfamiliar with the nuances of the divine. The goddess they serves is the one of undeath, which describes our situation perfectly. Sargassas, are you all right over there?”
Sargassas: (who is having an outright conniption, clutching his head as he freaks out. He whimpers) “I’m fine!”
Dian: “It’s just a lizardman thing.”
Sargassas: “I’m molting at the moment!”
Iglar insists on continuing this in private, while Sargassas calls for Exterminatus. Iglar and Sargassas begin to squabble, but Weslan interrupts their whispered, heated discussion to send them to quarters prepared for them. He advises them that they’re in the midst of choosing a ruler as well.
Sargassas: (outright hysterical) This is gonna be worse than the boat adventure! This is gonna be so fucking worse! This may become a political battle!
DM: “Once we figure out how to decide it.”
Ralth: Pillow-fight!
DM: “We believe that the corpse of our old king may be most appropriate. We simply need to have him raised. He was not among the ones that returned to life.”
Dian: “I imagine the priest over there can assist you.”
DM: “Most true.”
Iglar is practically frantic trying to tell Weslan of their mission and what they know. Weslan sends him off to their quarters because he doesn’t want to talk about important things in front of everybody, which he finally tells Iglar outright in a complete abandonment of subtlety. The party tries to conceal themselves from the priestess, entirely too late to do any good, so they begin fretting over her presence. Welsan interrupts their whispered, heated discussion once again and finally gets them to their quarters. The party discusses their options to deal with the priestess.
DM: Something thunks into the door.
Iglar: Huh. “Hello?” (miming a door-open)
DM: Knife. Still quivering. There is a note pinned to the door. “U. R with an R. GOING. 2. DIE.” Skull and crossbones.
Iglar: “No we’re nooooot.”
Dian: That was a kobold.
Khoriane: Turn it over. “No. U.”
Ralth: Is there a servant around here?
DM: Servant downstairs.
Sargassas goes off on a tangent about fairy-eating frogs as a metaphor for his enemy, but Dian wonders if a fringe group of the undead is responsible.
Iglar: “Look, it’s obviously these followers of whomever…”
Dian: “But I think they’d have been more literate. YOU could have written a better note than that.”
Iglar: “Well… I do fancy myself something of an amateur calligrapher, but this is besides the point.”
Dian: “We’ll have to compare notes sometime.”
Dian feels it’s too obvious, too soon. Iglar decides to talk to “the monocle guy” first. Ralth stares at the Birthright map hanging on the wall.
DM: And Ralth wishes he were in Cerilia, where halflings can Shadow Walk.
Ralth: “I’d be outta here so quick.”
Dian: But it’s dangerous there.
DM: It’s dangerous to go alone!
The group heads off to speak with Weslan, still in disagreement over what to tell him. Iglar is convinced that telling Weslan that following Chattel’la will lead to hostility will make him see reason.
Dian: “But what do you plan to offer him as an alternative?”
Iglar: “Well, let us say that we have been sent - that outside kingdoms are already preparing for war, fearing the day that they will follow Chatel’la. And if their fears are proven true they will certainly march.”
Sargassas: “That will drive them CLOSER to the god for protection!”
Dian: “Try to understand the position they’re in. The only person they know -“
Ralth: Here’s what I do. Get a paper bag. Put a Thunderstone in there. Light it fire. Put it outside the shrine door.
Dian: (his entire explanation lost to comedy) “They’re in a very precarious situation.”
Sargassas: “Also in a very precarious situation is US.”
Dian: “And if they have the priest raise their king, it will be out of his hands anyway.”
Iglar: “Yes, exactly. If this is allowed to happen then certainly he will have control over this kingdom and she through him.”
Sargassas: “They want their king back. We cannot promise such things!”
Iglar: “There is power other than the gods! Not everyone must rely on them for protection, and-“
DM: Iglar’s gonna FIGHT the king back to life!
Ralth: Or desecrate the body enough so he can’t be revived.
Iglar: Now you’re talking. Holy water!
Ralth: I’m just, Iglar, there’s a possibility!
Sargassas: The whole reason we came byhere is for alignment, you’re gonna murder their king-
Iglar: No! He’s already dead!
Sargassas complains about alignment, while Iglar dismisses the dragon as an outside problem. Sargassas insists Iglar refuses to deal with the real problem: that Iglar can’t offer one good reason for the undead not to join to Chattel’la - but he has no ideas of his own, he freely admits.
Sargassas: “The only thing I can imagine us doing is confronting the other group of living beings and taking them out extremely discreetly.”
Dian: “And you don’t think perhaps the populace will be a bit suspicious that these other living beings were untimely removed-“
Sargassas: “Look, I said ‘extreme discreetly’! As long as she is here she can convince them that being with this undead goddess is good, and I can’t convince them otherwise!”
Dian: “I will not take part in an assassination.”
Sargassas: “Neither will I!”
Dian: “Then how to discreetly remove these troublemakers?”
Sargassas: “I said that was the plan, I did not say it was possible! I didn’t say I had a way of doing it, I’m telling you what needs to be done!”
DM: I’m going to ruin the best idea you guys could have possibly used. “Hey, cleric of Chattel’la, the dragon wants to talk to you! He’s thinking about converting!” You go outside, you find them dead next to each other, problem solved! It wouldn’t have actually worked.
Sargassas remains convinced that they should get the priest out of the picture, since they have nothing to offer, but Iglar insists they will listen to reason. He argues the priests can’t have told the whole details.
Sargassas: (hysterical again) We could’ve just been fighting some bloody airships! No political goddamn-
Dian: You think he wouldn’t have made that a nightmare for us too?!
Sargassas: Yes! It would not have been as bad as this. I guarantee it would not have been as bad.
Dian: It would only be fun when we remembered it, when we were reading the game report. While we were doing it: Not fun.
Sargassas: Would it have been as bad as this?
DM: (infuriatingly blithe) I’unno.
Sargassas: It would NOT have been as bad as this.
Dian: LOOK AT HIS FACE! HE’S A LIAR!
Sargassas: We’re looking at a political battle, and the possible chance they have a rogue-
Dian: We’ll assassinate! Is that what you want?
Sargassas: “All they have to do is kill someone and blame it on us.”
Dian: “So you want to beat them to the punch.”
DM: “We’ll kill someone, and blame it on us!”
Sargassas points out that if they discredit Iglar in any way, the party is done. Iglar starts to think maybe he should go out and fight the dragon. Sargassas agrees, believing it would put Iglar at the top of the heap, but Dian points out that he’d have to duel the other party instead if a crime occurs. They’re priests, so that should be safe. Iglar declares the discussion over and off they go to the palace. Ralth follows behind to do a Gather Information check. The DM waives the 1d4 hour requirement and tells him Chattel’la worship is increasing. Iglar and Sargassas start to get nasty. Sargassas, in high heat, grabs for a box of crackers.
Sargassas: IT’S EMPTY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! (hurling the box across the room)
DM: (helplessly laughing)
Iglar: Did we break the DM?
DM: PORK POPS!
To quote Dian, “The party is rendered useless for five minutes over the insinuations of pork worn on the finger, and it takes on one of those ‘you had to be there’ vibes.” The party at last reaches Weslan.
Iglar: “Sir, we need to speak to you to deliver the results of our mission.”
DM: “Yes yes, come in.” He waves the other guys away and heads out.
Sargassas: I really don’t think it’s a good to warn them that if they join this god, they will be attacked.
Dian: We need to give them an alternative.
Sargassas: We need to phrase it better.
Dian: Phrase it how? They’re not stupid.
DM: As you guys discuss hurriedly in the-
Iglar: No! Iglar discusses nothing! He’s grown very very tired of all this talking, and he says, “Sir, there is something you need to know.”
DM: “Yes, speak.”
Iglar: “I understand that each man’s choice of religion is his own business and everyone is free to choose his path. However, it would be best that all knowledge be brought forth and all information be made clear. There is something you should know about this goddess who the newcomers preach, in the outside world.” Iglar assumes a darker demeanor. (provoking laughter). He says, “I have spoken with many from the outside. Indeed we have spoken to the powerful in the Adventurers’ Guild, which controls many lands outside of here. Indeed they have told us and warned us against, and I regret to say, they have warned us against this goddess that the strangers preach. For they say, whatever the truth may be, it is their opinion that she does not merely seek followers but seeks to use her followers for, I regret to mention it, the conquest of the world. This is the prevailing opinion in the surrounding lands. I have spoken simply and I take it that you will understand the implications of the decision which you will make.”
DM: “As a living man I would have fought similarly. When this kingdom was once live and flourishing, we would have set against any gathering of the undead with shield and sword and spell. Funny how going to the other side, however involuntary, will change your perspective on things.”
Sargassas: “We all speak to preserver what we are, regardless of what that is.”
DM: “There is no other god that will have us. Those amongst us who were priests and followers have petitioned anyone and everyone they could. Only one goddess has offered a response.”
Iglar: “That is understandable, and yet… I dunno, I’m not a great persuader, or a great arguer, but I can tell you this, I follow no good and feel no worse for it.”
DM: “Consider this: Whether we follow the god or not, what will the response from the outside world be? I judge from your response that your mission of ambassadorship that we asked you to conduct went not at all well.”
Iglar: “Indeed.”
DM: “That does not surprise me, for as I said, if we knew of a kingdom of undead back when we were living, we too would have sought to scourge it from the world in service to our own gods, and desire to remove something horrid and unnatural.”
Dian: “But now you feel you have as much right to exist as any other.”
Sargassas: “Of course they do!”
Iglar: “But aren’t you afraid that your new mistress might demand of you more than merely service and worship, that she might send you - for they say in the lands outside that her goal is to dominate the lands of the living, not merely to protect the undead. Is this what you desire?”
Sargassas: “I wants to know what this cleric has told you thus far.”
Dian: “She is an evil goddess no matter what face you put on it.”
Sargassas: “I just wish to know if she has told you the truth and all.”
DM: “What truth do you refer to? We know she is the goddess of undeath. We know she is not well-beloved by many. We know that we fall within in her portfolio now and whether or not we choose to follow her she will nonetheless be ever watching and concerned with us.”
Sargassas: “No, I mean, what, like any preacher, I come forth and I say, ‘This is what I worship, this is what you must do to aid in the worship of said person, and these are the results of your worship.’ What has she promised for your contribution?”
DM: “First, that further who are dead shall be raised, that our numbers might be retained. For unlike a living population we have no way of making more of ourselves save through magic. Second, she hopes that in time some way can be found that will allow us to exist outside of these mountains. At the very least we might be able to go and please our cases in person, though I fear that might not be the case.”
Sargassas: “Of course, that is the problem, see? Even if you were - when she aids - IF she is able to aid you in such a manner - I say if not because I believe she cannot, I say if because I am not aware of how it would happen. Either way, if that was to happen, the moment you make that choice, the choice of negotiation is gone.”
DM: “Is it not already?”
Sargassas: “I do not know.”
Iglar: “Well, sir, look at it this way. There is an element of reality to the whole thing. I mean look at you! A mighty kingdom of undead under the mountain. Who in their right mind would try to storm into your kingdom.”
DM: “So far a dragon and an army of kobolds.”
Iglar: “Where are they now? Are they ravaging your cities? Are they destroying and burning? They’re held back by a mere gate. Certainly you can mount a better defense than this.”
Sargassas: “You speak as if they have an endless supply of resources and manpower. If the dragon wished to come into the mountain, the dragon has hundreds of thousands of years to wait. For the undead and the dragon themselves, time is not an issue. For the dragon, it’s inevitable.”
Iglar: “Yes, the kobolds can dig through mountains, I hear, but it is only a dragon. You could - what I’m saying is that there’s a third way between peace and love and outright war, there is… tense neutrality!”
DM: “You’re suggesting we barricade ourselves inside these mountains and fortify ourselves so that none may successfully assault us?”
Iglar: “…Yes!”
DM: “Well there are two matters behind that. The first is that the outside world can bring in far greater resources to the battle than we could ever hope to oppose. We have some few who still maintain some skill in magic, but power from the divine is not ours. A simple cleric could merely wade through our numbers by brandishing their holy symbol and making it shine bright enough that we all turn to dust. And then we could not replace the ones that had fallen. Eventually we would fall, and then the kingdom would be dust once again.”
Iglar: “You speak with fear! You speak with fear, that is all I can say.”
Sargassas: “Fear of destruction is what all beings of intelligence fear.”
Dian: “But then again, you speak with the confidence of ability behind you.”
Sargassas: “Obviously some of us are not beings of intelligence!”
DM: I like how Khori and Ralth just REFUSE to get involved in this…
Iglar: “There are foolish people out there who would blindly wade to war against you! But there are those who understand that such a battle would be very costly. We were sent here for a reason. If those outside merely wanted to destroy you why would they have sent us back?”
DM: “To spy on us.”
Iglar: “To spy on you… is correct. In fact we were instructed to-“
Sargassas: Oh my God!
DM: (calling the OOC action as IC) Sargassas falls off his chair, and heads for the door.
Sargassas: All of a sudden I gain the ability of chameleon-like abilities from my lizardfolk…
Iglar: “Oh come on, they’re not stupid! Do you think this man is stupid? No?”
Dian: “He knows our diplomacy mission didn’t go so well, so why else would we be back here?”
Iglar: “Look, nobody likes this goddess and we’re just trying to find out if she had come to seek followers among you, for you should know one more thing that we have not told you, and that is, that the dagger which slew the dragon seeking to become a dracolich belongs to them!” and he points -
DM: (observing where Iglar is actually pointing) To Khori.
Khoriane: “It wasn’t mine!”
Iglar: (quickly adjusting his point) “No, I mean the-“
DM: Ralth!
Iglar: (pointing straight up) “No, I mean-“
DM: The gods!
Dian: “It belongs to the Ministry of Chattel’la.”
Iglar: “Yes, that!”
Dian: “The very people now preaching their faith in your streets.”
Iglar: “All I’m saying is that there could be a greater plan at work. Do you want to be reduced to slaves of this goddess, or would you rather be as freemen? There are other magics there, in this world. And in my lands, many do not follow the wizardly path OR the path of the divine, they follow instead the path of the mind.”
DM: “By the way, if I may interrupt to ask, where did you find out about this dagger?”
Iglar: “Well, the Adventurers’ Guild has many resources.”
DM: “Well they can’t be trusted in any case.”
Iglar: “Why is that?”
DM: “Because the Guikd is what destroyed our kingdom to begin with!”
Iglar: “How so?”
DM: “It was their confederation of lands that waged war upon our kingdom, and reduced it to death and rubble!”
Iglar: “I don’t know this, this history is not my strong suit.”
Sargassas: “And once AGAIN this ‘history is not your strong suit’ has put us in a very precarious situation.”
Dian: Well… he’s making the effort to help them so that when they inevitably turn on us, we can’t be like, “He didn’t try!” They haven’t tried to clap us in iron…
Sargassas: “Listen what they want to do. Even from the beginning, they told us they wanted to expand, to grow as a people. They can’t do that being holed up in a mountain.”
DM: “At the very least we don’t want to keep losing people until there are none left. Iglar, what you say makes a great deal of sense. The problem is, I don’t know if it’s a viable alternative. What I propose to you is this. I am merely a guard for the leadership at this time. If we can have our king raised, I propose you speak to him. He is a man of strong will and keen intellect. His decision will see more clearly into this matter than mine can.”
Iglar: “Raised… can you tell me more about this? What sort of… how do you know that he will retain his keen intellect after he is raised?”
DM: “The understandings of our scholars… I told you we had a few of some wizardly knowledge left-“
Khoriane: “I think the question is, what guaranteed do we have that it’s your king’s soul in his body now that he’s been raised by the priestess?”
DM: “Well, I was TRYING to answer that. The understanding is, the normal spell -it’s called Animate Dead -- when cast on an ordinary corpse in ordinary circumstances, restores it to mindless life. However, from the determinations they have made, the essence that pervades this kingdom now, this mountain, after the death of that dragon… it appears that any ordinary corpse which is raised as the undead will retain the intelligence it had in life. Whether or not we have souls is a matter I can’t even begin to consider. It’s possible all of us have been condemned to hell and we are nothing but shambling soulless beings with nothing but raw intellect to face the world.”
Sargassas: “Memories of what you were.”
Khoriane: “That’s not something I…”
DM: “It is a possibility. I cannot say. In any case, what we know is that if the simplest casting of this spell were to restore our king to unlife, it would be his own intelligence, thanks to the magic of the dead dragon which pervades this land.”
Iglar: “So what is the problem then? Why hasn’t the king been raised yet, if it is such a simple matter?”
Dian: “The goddess would probably like a little say-so of, ‘yeah, we’ll help you out if you help us out’.”
DM: “Well, in large part it’s because we’re not entirely certain as a people that this is what we want to do. There is a splinter faction amongst us who believe a ruler should be chosen in a different manner, that our king was not raised with us for a reason and should be left to the peace of death rather than woken up.”
Sargassas: “What does this other faction feel about…”
DM: “They feel that those who did not wake up are those who have become blessed in some way, and have avoided this curse.”
Sargassas: “No, what do they feel about the priestess? Does her methods of bringing back the king anger them?”
DM: “They do not wish to see anyone animated from the dead once again, at least no one who was not animated here in this kingdom. I suppose if a corpse were brought in from outside they would have no problem with it, but I can’t begin to guess at their philosophy.
Sargassas: “Great Iglar, when you die by dragon we can bring you here and bring you back!”
Iglar: “All right, well, I’ve said my piece, I am not a great man of… convincing.”
Dian: “How does that faction feel the new leadership should be selected?”
Sargassas: “Via COMBAT!”
Dian: “Well that’s the old way. It would probably be a series of trials. That’s normally the way that these are conducted.”
Sargassas: “Trials of leadership… cunning, charisma, strength.”
Dian: DO IT!
Iglar: NO!
Dian: DO IT!
Iglar: NO!
Sargassas: “See, that’s what you should vie for leadership of the kingdom.”
Dian: Master debater…
Sargassas: “That’s it! I kill you, you become undead-“
Dian: Welcome to the undead version of “It’s Academic!”
Sargassas: “You fight and become their king and you can decide!”
Iglar: “Unfortunately being undead would deprive me of my one true passion.”
Sargassas: We go back to Vexian. “We’ve done it! Everything is solved!” “What happened to Iglar?” “He had to stay in the kingdom, he’s the undead kingdom.” That’s when Ripley comes out. “We nuked the kingdom from orbit.” Damn you Ripley!
Dian: (doing the People’s Court theme, replacing “people” with various undead terms)
Iglar: “Weslan, one more thing before I forget. Someone left us a note… and sadly, this dagger…”
DM: “What?! Who would DO such a thing?!”
Dian: “We were hoping you could enlighten us-“
Khoriane: “It was the elf.”
Sargassas: “We have no proof of thatssss.”
Khoriane: “The innkeeper said that he came up to speak with us and left shortly thereafter.”
Dian: “Well… is the elf an... unlettered type of individual?”
DM: “I don’t know, I’ve never had cause…”
Sargassas: A retarded elf!
Dian: “Well I mean, a creature who maybe hasn’t had much to do with the written word.”
DM: “If you wish we can send for him and have him questioned.”
Dian: That note looks like graffiti from Borderlands, you know.
Sargassas: I’m just having all this trouble envisioning a retarded elf!
DM: You got a purdy mouth, boy.
Sargasas: Just a regular looking elf and his half-retarded brother. He’s the Rainman of elves…
Iglar: “So Weslan, it seems to me-“ Wait, hey guys, he might have propositioned us, what was…?
Sargassas: No he didn’t, all he said was that this faction was planning on choosing the king, and I came up with this CRAZY idea of you running for king. “You are the champion of their people!”
Iglar: “I’m no king! I’m a drunkard, and a warrior. I’m no king, c’mon. You be king! You’re a wise man, charismatic too…”
Sargassas: “All right, look. The moment I became king is the moment my god gave me the task of wiping it out.
DM: Starting with YOURSELF! “TURN UND-“ Boom! You know, when clerics turn undead, you turn the closest undead to you, so wouldn’t the first one on your list always be yourself?
Sargassas: “Listen, one of our greatest tribal leaders, Zarthian Zarkothith. Great leader. Drunkard. But he took many lands and we very happy for the years he was there, until he died of lizard - liver poisoning.”
DM: I thought you were gonna say, “He was eaten by lizardmen.”
Sargassas: “He was eaten by his brother. Slowly apparently. He never noticed his brother nibbling on him. First his tail, then his foot…”
DM: And this is why you DON’T want a very drunk king.
Iglar: Iglar is once again getting tired of talking-
Sargassas: Just in the middle of conversation, “I am tired of talking now!”
Ralth: “Iglar sleep now!”
Iglar: “Weslan, there is… I mean… You’re a smart man, I can tell by the way you speak you have far more intelligence than say, ME. I’m sure you can find another solution than following a goddess who would make you the enemy of the other lands. Sure, there might be a tense peace, or some negotiations, but I’m sure you’re a better diplomat than I.”
DM: “Iglar, the problem with that is that diplomacy with other lands tend to go like this: ‘We come in p-‘ ‘Undead! Kill them!’ And it breaks down from there.”
Sargassas: “Sadly he is correct, there is many other… parishes that are far more, let’s say, unresponsive as me. Trust me, if it was any other cleric besides me, probably not be talking.”
DM: “I understand your people see things in much… broader terms than do most people.”
Sargassas: “Oddly enough I find it much easier to talk with you than most people. Talking with humans is like talking to a delicious cow. ‘Why I talk to you, human? I should be eating you!’”
DM: Five experience for that.
Dian: Well, we’re stuck here, whaddya think we should do now?
Iglar: I think we should wait for the right chance. “So Weslan, what about this dragon? Is he a real threat, c’mon, honestly, man-to-man, or is this just a mountain menace wandering menace?”
DM: “It’s a DRAGON.”
Sargassas: “It is a real threat.”
DM: “And the kobolds appear to follow him. Their problem is, they’re weak individually, but they have the advantage of numbers. And the fact that if one of us drops back down, they can get back up again! They have some small amount of healing. They have shamans among their people!”
Iglar: “I see your dilemma.”
The characters decide to meet with the other faction; Sargassas also wants to meet with the priestess. The conversation wanders back to the old Birthright game for some reason. The group discovers the old champion is the leader of the splinter faction; Weslan explains that the undead do slowly ‘heal’ over time if they are not destroyed, so the champion survived his injuries at Iglar’s hands. At this meeting of old and new champions, Rocky jokes ensue. The group at last leaves Weslan. Sargassas gets, bizarrely, a dinner date with the priestess; he spends the rest of the game being utterly baffled about the fact. The message is carried by the elf.
DM: The elf keeps eyeing you, patting his dagger.
Ralth: I pat my dagger too.
Iglar: I give him a smile, bearing sets of teeth as large as hot dogs.
DM: The elf is male, and it appears he doesn’t have much common sense. It seems pretty obvious he believes he can take any of you.
Dian: He’s the Bond villain’s bodyguard.
Iglar: As he turns to go, Iglar will say, “By the way that’s a very nice dagger. I clean my nails with a bigger one though.”
Sargassas: That’s too much like, “You call that a knoife? THIS is a knoife!” Bring out a stick with a huge knife attached to it.
Dian: Maybe you should take the dagger and toss it back to him, just like, “Here you go.” After you snap it.
The group continues to subtly threaten the elf. Iglar does break the dagger, then tosses it back. They even ask him about the letter; the DM tells him that they’re gonna find the letter stuck to their door again. Ralth steals his dagger. Then, off to talk to the old champion at the arena!
DM: When you indicate that you want to speak to the old champ, the guys sort of just look at you for a minute and then hurry off. In the couple of minutes that it takes for them to get back, you notice a crowd has begun to gather, all of them looking at you expectantly.
Iglar: “Aww come on guys, I’m not here to fight.”
DM: “What? You’re not here to fight?” “Iglar’s not going to fight the old champ?” “Iglar’s afraid of the old champ!” “But Iglar beat him once already, why would he be afraid?” “Iglar thinks the champ isn’t worthy of a rematch!”
Iglar: “Rematch?!”
The crowd continues to frenzy in the background as Iglar tries to get out of rematches. They find the old champ in a luxurious chair, loafing.
DM: “IGLAAAAR! How great to see you again! You’ve come for a rematch! I’ve been looking forward to winning my title back from you!”
Iglar: “Hello sir, I got a question for you actually, I’m afraid it’s something much less noble than a rematch. It’s a matter of politics. Do you mind if we?”
DM: “I’ll answer your question if you give me a rematch! Let’s go. Naw, I’m just kidding you. Ask away!”
Iglar: “Here’s what I’ve been thinking. There’s talk here that all of y’all are gonna gang up with this goddess who sent her messenger here, and she’s gonna raise many number of you and make your number great, so that when these people in the outside world who mistrust and hate you will have a great army on their hands to deal with.”
DM: “Well, that’s one way of putting it I suppose, that isn’t really what we had in mind. And frankly I don’t approve of a plan of raising any of the old kingdom anyway. They didn’t come back, they’re the lucky ones, they should be left dead.”
Iglar: “Why do you think that, why do you think they’re the lucky ones?”
DM: “Because they didn’t come back - LOOK AT ME! I’M ALL BONE! I can do this!” He starts putting his hands between his ribs. “That’s not cool! No one wants to do that!”
Sargassas: Iglar’s like, “I dunno about that!”
DM: “Lemme try it!” Sqlish! Iglar is raised as the undead.
Iglar: “Okay, I see, well, how do you think the leader should be chosen then?”
DM: “Probably have some sort of trial. They used to have these back in the day when there was some dispute over who the rightful monarch was. There was a series of trials, there was the Trial of Combat, the Trial of Ordeals, the Trial of Leadership, the Trial of Knowledge, there’s one other I don’t remember because I wasn’t involved in this, but anyway. There were the five trials that the leader had to go to, let’s pick a leader like that! In the old traditional way!”
Ralth: Iglar. You run for leader. Decree they kill the priestess. Then step down.
Iglar: There’s a trial of leadership and a trial of knowledge in there, if you haven’t…
Sargassas: I have a disguise kit.
DM: It’s Sargassas and Ralth on his shoulders…
The group works on this plan for no good reason for a while, till Sargassas asks how many people are in the trial - anywhere between five and eleven is the answer.
Iglar: “What do you think of following this priestess besides the whole raising thing?”
DM: “It’s a sensible idea. I mean we gotta have some way to raise the others.”
Iglar: “But you just said they shouldn’t be raised!”
DM: “No, no, the people IN the kingdom shouldn’t be raised. When we kill people on the outside we bring them back here and THEN we raises them.”
Iglar: “Hmm, so you’re planning to kill people on the outside, huh?”
DM: “Of course, how else would we get people to raise?”
Iglar: “Huh.”
Sargassas: (cracks up) I just picture Sargassas sitting there, looking at him, just staring up at him, like, “Oh, just keep going, old champion, tell us more about your plans!”
DM: Iglar found more bad guys!
Sagrassas: Yes, Iglar’s like, “You plan on taking out that small villagethat we scouted out earlier. TELL US MORE! Please go on! Iglar wants to hear all about it. I wanted so bad for this kingdom to be kinda evil, they just had a pleasant face, and him to be WRONG. So wrong.
Iglar: Yes, Iglar is struck quite speechless. He says, not having anything better to say, he says, “What if they don’t want to be killed?”
DM: “Then they shouldn’t have been defeated in combat!”
Sargassas: Iglar sleep now!
DM: “I don’t have anything to say so I’m losing consciousness!”
Iglar: “Well suppose you go outside looking for combat and they don’t agree to your challenge, what then? What if they say ‘I am far weaker than you, I don’t want to fight you.’?”
DM: “War doesn’t usually work that way.”
Iglar: “War? Why does everyone speak of war?! That is not honorable combat.”
DM: “What?! What more honorable profession is there than that of the noble soldier, fighting out to defend your kingdom!”
Iglar: “From who?”
DM: “…others?”
Iglar: “Well, what if the others don’t attack?”
DM: “What are the chances of that, we’re the frickin’ undead!”
Khoriane: “We didn’t attack you.”
DM: “You’re not another kingdom, are you? If you guys declare sovereignty then we have words, because you’re kind of invading our kingdom So I don’t think -- which one of you would be king anyway? I don’t think you guys could even decide that, no offense to y’all.”
The players take a moment to fantasize about crashing airships in the easiest most rewarding mission ever. The DM paints a different picture, in which the words ‘adventurer-raping traps’ are used.
Iglar: “It’s true the living mistrust the undead, but you can hardly blame them, as I’m sure you’re aware. But we were sent here for a reason, and that reason is: War is not inevitable.”
DM: “Welp, that’s one way to put it, but I want you to consider this: if we didn’t go to war and take prisoners, how would we get more people?”
Khoriane: “There are people that haven’t been raised here-“
DM: “Those WERE our people. Now they’re at peace.”
Sargassas: “That’s a GOOD question, old champion. IGLAR! Would you like to answer the man’s question?!”
Dian: But where IS Dr. Wily?
Ralth: That’s a good question.
Iglar: “Why do you want more people anyway?”
DM: “How else would replace our losses?”
Iglar: “What losses?”
DM: “Well we just lost like 20 frickin’ people to a dragon and his kobolds.”
Sagrassas: What if they bring back the kobolds, have a little population of kobolds running around?
Iglar: “There’s many who you could fight who would not necessarily be-“
Sargassas: Iglar’s like, “It’s okay to wipe out some fucking kobolds, and some goblins… but don’t attack the humans!”
Iglar: “Look, I’m a warrior, I’m not afraid of war, the only thing was, it seemed that your leader sent us forth on a mission of peace. If that was just pretense, if you guys just totally want to fight, I totally understand it, believe me. If war is all that you want!”
DM: “Iglar. Iglar. Weslan? Smart guy. Good guy. Idealistic guy. Naïve, yeah… you really think peace is gonna happen? Would you care to wager money on it?”
Sargassas: For a warrior you’re surprisingly naïve, Iglar. I figured your character would be all about murdering the undead. That was such a twist, early on.
DM: All right, you fail to realize two basic things. Three actually. First, they gave Iglar honorable combat. Second, when he won the combat, they gave him shit. Third, he got their alcohol.
Sargassas: …Yeah.
DM: Triangle COMPLETE!
Iglar: “Did you even see this horn, Sargassas?”
DM: “Iglar, think of it this way, maybe it’ll help you deal with it better. If this were a human kingdom, we go to war, we capture people, and then we would have slaves to do our bidding. This is the same thing except the people are dead for a little bit in between, okay? That phrase it a little better for you? That give you a better outlook on it?”
Iglar: “Well, yes, but-“
DM: Slavery is A-okay!
Iglar: “I know that you are mighty warriors and I have every faith in your ability, but look at it plainly, this kingdom was wiped out once before and it could be wiped out again. Do you really want to take that chance?”
DM: “Well, it seems we’re taking that chance just by existing! We’re the undead! We’re scary! We’re the boogeyman hiding under your bed! By the way, check under your bed tonight.”
Iglar: “Yeah, what about the death threats?”
DM: “What about them?”
Iglar: “Do you know who they’re from?”
DM: “Well ya have to tell me what death threats they are.”
Iglar: “I presumed you knew about them since you made the bed comment.”
DM: “…oh, no, I was saying we’re the undead, we like to hide under beds and…”
Sargassas: It was a joke!
Iglar: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
DM: Has Iglar got more idealism to be crushed under the heel of cold cruel reality, or is he done here?
Iglar: He’s done.
DM: Iglar’s gonna go cry himself to sleep now.
Iglar contemplates suicide by dragon; the others consider slaughtering the undead for experience. Iglar had to go ten minutes ago, so the game at last comes to an end, to the immense relief of your transcriptionist. Yow.