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Dear god, this was 17 pages, single spaced, 10 point font. I hope you game report fans appreciate the work I'm putting into this.
DM: I’m telling you one day somehow those recordings are gonna end up on a server somewhere and someone will post it not knowing anything about it, and it’ll be accompanied by some ridiculous Flash video…
Aibghalien: We’ll have to head them off at the pass by creating our OWN ridiculous Flash video! I call beholder.
Saikon: No fair, you already have a government job, I’m trying to get one. Let’s see… security check…
Aibghalien: Uh-oh, Russian!
DM: What are you talking about, the moment he’s like, “I’d like a government job”… “From Russia, huh? Why don’t you just walk out the door now?”
Aibghalien: They gotta trade him back to the Soviet Union for an American spy… All this time it turns out he was a Russian spy. He was spying on our D&D habits so the Russian Empire could learn how to master them for their glorious benefit in defense of the homeland.
DM: No, they’re confused, they think that this is really happening.
Wes: (wheezing)
Rhuann: You’re gonna make Wes snort or something, he’s sitting over there wheezing.
Aibghalien: Aim away from the computer, for the love of God!
DM: No, they’re like, “These people can throw fireballs! They just turned stone to mud! Convert our walls into steel!”
Aibghalien: For some reason now all Russian government installations now have a quarter inch of lead in their building, to prevent scrying spells.
DM: What is this “true sight”?
Aibghalien: “Deviation”?
DM: “They’re going to their gods!”
Aibghalien: “Damn you, Americans, and your religion!”
DM: “I didn’t know these god-things worked!”
Aibghalien: This is what happens when we give up god for the defense of Russia.
DM: “We could’ve just prayed to our gods and got answers?” “It’s only yes or no, sir!” “Damn that still would be useful!”
Saikon: “Will the Americans attack in the next fifty years?” “No!” “Yaaay.”
The players attempt to remember what they did last time, with limited success. They had destroyed the temple funneling dark energy to the Gorgon and recaptured an artifact sword. They also had failed to get enough XP to level to 15, despite Aibghalien briefly believing he was only 13.
DM: Your forces haven’t been able to - even though you crushed the temple, your forces haven’t been able to take the area because of the residual dark energy -
Wes: Dark Energon!
DM: That’s still floating around. Actually you had to make a hasty retreat afterward, but -
Aibghalien: Our dignity! Some heroes we are, retreating.
The DM describes the dark sword shedding its evil energies in explosive skyward discharge, leaving a magnificent blade behind.
Aibghalien: All right, I’ll examine the blade. (pausing) Foolishly. Make a saving throw, right?
DM: No, not that bad. As you get closer to the blade you feel an immense amount of power glistening… er, bristling from it. It feels like you’re trying to walk through a thick fog or something like that.
Aibghalien: Great, I’m gonna be gone for a week, guys.
Wes: And when you come back…
Aibghalien: All YOU guys are doppelgangers instead!
DM: As you leave the field you find an industrialized world around you! The gravestones of your friends surround the area you’re in.
Aibghalien: Aww, c’mon guys, I turn my back on you for two seconds and look what happens.
Joking aside, Aibghalien touches the sword long enough to trigger its funky powers.
DM: You don’t feel as if you’ve moved, but - did you close your eyes when you did it?
Aibghalien: Yes.
DM: You feel as if you’ve moved, like you didn’t move very far.
Aibghalien: Where’d I go?
DM: You gotta open your eyes.
Aibghalien: I OPEN MY EYES!
DM: You find yourself in a land of clouds.
Aibghalien: D’oh.
DM: As you peer around you see these giants moving across. As you look to the direction ahead you see dark ominous clouds, and where the remains pillar of dark energy is dissipating.
Aibghalien: You know, I’d like to say something about the fact that as this character I finally got to heaven and it also sucks. It just… makes cosmic sense, I admit.
DM: As you continue to touch the blade, something rises out of the clouds near you. Their arm and hand rising up next to you, not even paying attention to you as they storm off towards the dark clouds.
Aibghalien: The gods didn’t notice me. I’m OFFENDED. FIREBALL!
DM: And thus, the world - you guys look to the skies and you hear “boop!” “BOOM!”
Saikon: Okay, next game!
DM: You see a cloak fall from the sky…
Aibghalien: Bad ending.
DM: You see a wave of dark energy racing towards you.
Aibghalien: I’ll be lifting my hand off that sword.
DM: You’re back where you were.
Aibghalien: “Gorgon just won. I saw it! Here poke the sword.”
Devlyn: It BUUUURNS!
DM: The moment you let go of it, the light sort of poured back into the blade. The jewel - you see the jewel sort of shift into a different gear.
Aibghalien: Apparently this sword has a transmission…
Excised: a debate on chocolate milk.
Aibghalien: “All right, Saikon, I entrust this holy blade to you. Figure it out.”
Saikon: “Okay.”
Aibghalien: “Let me know if you need he-you need help, all right.”
DM: (laughing) “Here, figure this out, tell me if you need help.” Like, two seconds. “You need help, give it back.”
Devlyn: “NOWWWWWWW.”
Saikon: “That is so like you.”
DM: Saikon’s like, “Hmm, let me think about it.” “TOO SLOW!”
Aibghalien: That was Aibghalien trying not to hog the spotlight. And FAILING.
Rhuann: Aibghalien always fails.
Saikon picks up a box of brownies.
Saikon: Are these still good like they were in our youth, or have the ingredients been replaced with imitation soy?
Devlyn: Why would you imitate soy?
Wes: It’s already imitation food.
Saikon: It was a joke.
Aibghalien: Imitation soy: made of beef.
Excised: One squabble over dice.
Aibghalien: All right, we’ve transmitted great power to the Gorgon but we’ve cut him off from getting any more, at least as I understand the situation.
Rhuann: You pray.
Aibghalien: I don’t pray. I analyze, then deduce based on my observations of the situation.
Note to fellow players: Dice being poured out? Loud. The DM recounts one of his favorite stories of racism and fear due to his ethnic background (French).
Aibghalien: Right now we can’t do much about the Gorgon, ‘cuz, y’know, kind of the heavens and that’s, for the moment, a bit out of our scale. But we do know that our other adversaries are apparently moving into some final stage of their plan, which we’re of necessity going to thwart. The question is, how do we find out what it is and what do we do about it? Let’s go find the priestess and ask her.
DM: Scene change!
Wes: (riffing the old Transformers scene-change)
DM: As you eventually make your way back to your own castle-
Aibghalien: We can teleport, that’s not an “eventually”.
DM: Eventually can be any length of time. I don’t remember if you used all your teleports, you might have to rest a day.
Aibghalien: God forbid.
DM: Anyway, you’re all back at your castle, to, uh…not a pleasant surprise.
Aibghalien: He’s finally leveled my castle, he’s been waiting all campaign to do it!
Wes: When it leveled did it get all its tables back?
DM: You find no castle, but, like, the tables in a large pile.
Aibghalien: I rebuild the castle out of tables. Ha HA!
Rhuann: And Wes is all like “WOOO!”
DM: “I can deal with THIS problem!”
Wes: You’ve built the greatest smashable fortress ever!
Aibghalien: Wes is about to do to tables what Link does to pots!
Rhuann: (snorts lemonade)
DM: I want to make a Jackie Chan character with a favored weapon, like, “Chairs”.
Aibghalien: Ladder.
DM: Anyways, here in the center of your castle-where did you teleport to?
Aibghalien: I would assume the usual teleport destination, probably my throne room.
DM: All right-
Aibghalien: “It’s oddly sunny here.”
Saikon: I hope your throne room was on the first floor.
Aibghalien: It was. There was a basement though. Hopefully they haven’t done too much foundation work…
DM: You appear back at your castle. It’s ominously dark. Very quiet.
Aibghalien: (claps twice)
DM: Nothing happens.
Aibghalien: Damn you, magic Clapper!
DM: Even from the outside it’s incredibly dark. It’s insanely quiet. Normally you would hear a small commotion from the outside, based on the time it was, where you were… it shouldn’t be this dark!
Saikon produces a source of magic light, but it is oppressed immediately, so he casts True Sight. This allows him to see, but everyone around him in the throne room is utterly still. Aibghalien detects magic and promptly goes momentarily blind from seeing too much magic. The two casters start up dispels.
Saikon: Aibghalien, can you produce a couple d20s so I can test them for 20ness?
Wes: Why don’t you guys just… take turns?
DM: They can’t communicate.
Aibghalien: Wes, smash the darkness!
Saikon dispels the darkness, but everyone else sees no one moving. Aibghalien dispels the stillness, to further no effect.
Wes: While they were doing all this I just enraged and started spinning!
Aibghalien dispels magic again to no effect, then backs out of the castle quietly. In the sky above him he sees a massive ring of clouds with a dark orb in the center. He dispels it, then wakes up in his throne room! It was all an illusion! He dispels it off the others and they all awake as well.
DM: Wes wakes up, goes into a whirlwind, and smashes a nearby table.
Wes: “This table wasn’t here a moment ago.”
Aibghalien: “It snuck up on me, I only did what I had to do.”
Wes: “I smashed it once, now I smashed it again. How is it possible, wizard? What have you done this time?”
Aibghalien: “I can only dream of a table that regenerates itself after smashing.”
DM: When we continue this campaign your castle will be full of tables, for smashing…
Aibghalien: Wes’s training room is nothing but tables.
Wes: Like in Fantasia, he smashes it, and then…
Saikon decides to contact his goddess for advice, and so casts a spell…
DM: The moment you cast Deviation--
Players: Divination!
DM: --Devination --
Saikon: Devination?
DM: The moment you cast the spell, the sword on your back glows and you hear the sound of a gem - Kwsssht! - back into place. You all watch as he vanishes in a flash of light. You find yourself in the upper clouds, not just listening to your god trying to answer questions, asking her questions - you find yourself on top of her head, as she attempts to cast some insanely powerful magic you know nothing about.
Aibghalien: Unfortunately, she’s human-sized to you, so you snap her neck.
Saikon: How tall is she?
DM: You have no idea, you just know you’re on-
Saikon: How big is her head?
DM: -- some giant platform that is her head. You have no idea, you see a bunch of hair up there, so you know you’re on someone’s head.
Saikon: Is it, like, the size of an exercise ball -
DM: You can see the edge of it. You can walk about it-
Saikon: The size of a football field?
Aibghalien: Let’s just say your dreams of a special relationship with your goddess have just been spoiled.
Saikon: She has many forms.
DM: “I can change size!”
Aibghalien: “I can change sizes… in width.”
DM: (applauds nonironically)
Aibghalien: Now we know how she gets her worshippers!
Devlyn: Parlor tricks!
Aibghalien: That explains so much!
DM: “Do you have questions? Or have you just come to sit upon my head?”
Saikon: “I know not why I was brought here. Please, can you let me down?”
DM: A huge mitt comes up and rests right there… she sets you back down in front of her.
Aibghalien: She throws you at the Gorgon. “Aaaaargh, cleric to my eye, my one weakness!”
Saikon: “Oh mighty Avanie, flower of wisdom, fountain of knowledge, how did I come to be here?”
DM: (as another god) “Oh no, it’s one of your followers, always so long winded, just get to your question!” “He did! He said how did he come here?” “Isn’t it obvious it’s the sword! Your little buddy, your friend came up here the first time!”
Aibghalien: Ah, they did notice me! I don’t have to rip ‘em all a new one.
DM: You watch as he turns down, hearing what he said. “We don’t talk to you because YOU CAN’T HEAR US! ELF! ELF!” He starts yelling “ELF” over and over and over again!
Saikon: “Just because you don’t believe it us doesn’t mean we aren’t there!”
Aibghalien: “I have this sudden feeling that I should be raging against the heavens.”
DM: “ELF! ELF!”
Aibghalien: But it’s completely unvalidated!
DM: “See look, he just sits there pretending nothing’s happening. The whole elf race is like that, they PISS me OFF…”
Wes: I just picture this fifty-foot good leaning down… “ELFFF! ELF! ELF!”
Saikon: “Oh Avanie, we have cut off the cloud of blackness that was powering the Gorgon, now what remains to be done?”
DM: “He is still strong, but you carry the weapon. The weapon that he tried to hide. The weapon he tried to corrupt.”
Saikon: “Ah, is this one of the artifacts like this hammer?”
DM: “Yes.”
Saikon: So now we have staff, dagger, hammer, sword…
DM: The crown.
Aibghalien: Didn’t we break that?
DM: Huh?
Aibghalien: I thought we snapped that when I was using it to corrupt Wes.
DM: You still have the pieces. It’s not entirely useful the way it was before, but it can be rebuilt.
Aibghalien: Well, if it still works, that’s okay.
DM: “You have the items you need, the sword was the key. The crown can be rebuilt.”
Saikon: “Very well, the crown shall be remade.”
DM: “Use the hammer. The sword is the key to the land.”
Aibghalien: You know, we’re going to completely misinterpret this, he’s going to come down and tell us something not quite right, and we’re gonna think it’s something not quite right… it’s gonna end up with all the weapons and artifacts duct-taped in one big ball. “All right, we’ve done what they said!”
DM: This is not the Aliens solution, all right, you can’t fucking tape a flamethrower to a machine gun!
Saikon: “Um…”
DM: “The battle still wages on, but you have another battle.”
Saikon: “You mean with the outsiders.”
DM: “Yes. The outsiders are planning something big… beyond their leader’s control. Their masters, the nations from the fallen world outside, beyond the gods, the ones that killed their gods. We made the shield that protects that land. We did not expect them to destroy the barriers. We did not expect the Gorgon to go outside the barrier.”
Aibghalien: I wonder what would happen if we locked the Gorgon out of the shield. “Dammit! Lemme in, guys! Not funny!”
Devlyn: “Not funny, guys!”
Aibghalien: “WIIIIIILMAAAAAA!”
A little more exposition, including some lore debate and some mocking of Aibghalien.
Saikon: “Very well, my goddess, I have heard your advice, and I will return to my companions to carry out your intentions.” Saikon reappears?
DM: Yes, the light dims, and you are back in the throne room. The sword goes “chjink!”
Saikon: “My friends, I have seen the face of my goddess. Our business is urgent! The outsiders are planning something. We must set aside our quarrel with the Gorgon for the time.”
Aibghalien: “Okay wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You just went up. To your goddess. Who in her infinite wisdom and power, told you exactly what I told you five minutes before you did it. Great use of the trip. Let’s get to work.”
DM: All the rest of you hear, “ELF! ELF! ELF! Tell that bastard to shut up, Wes! This is your god talking! Smash his tables!”
Wes: My god?
DM: You hear Crom yelling about smashing his tables. “But do not tell him WHY you smash the tables!”
Aibghalien: I already know why, Wes is an ass.
Aibghalien continues to chortle about the gods following his lead. Saikon pitches the sword at him. Aibghalien flubs the catch.
DM: The sword smashes a table, cutting through it like butter.
Wes: I must have this blade.
Aibghalien: I really should reconsider my “nothin’ but tables!” policy, but the Tablemakers’ Guild was so persuasive!
DM: You do notice there are quite a few tables in the room.
Aibghalien: “Curse you, Tablemakers’ Guild!”
DM: “No sir, we were trying to replace the tables that, uh… you know who broke.”
Wes: (growls)>
DM: He didn’t notice you, like, behind him…
Wes: “Speak louder, unless you value your life.”
DM: (girly scream)
Aibghalien: “He was referring to the collateral damage.”
Wes: “What is this…”
Aibghalien: “Stuff that got smashed while stuff that was supposed to be smashed got smashed.”
The ancient and honorable legacy of table-smashing in this campaign is discussed and good memories are relived. The friendly priestess appears. Aibghalien agrees to allow her to stay, despite Avanie having explicitly told Saikon that all the outsiders must be expelled. Bizarrely, Saikon chooses to ignore or reinterpret his goddess’s instructions as well.
Saikon: “Kick the MEAN ones out, is what I heard.”
The priestess gives them every security card and code she and Karl compiled. The characters attempt to hammer out the lore about the gods again.
Rhuann: ELF! ELF! ELF!
The group establishes that the outsiders are planning to use a neutron bomb, not that they understand it as such. Aibghalien starts ranting.
Aibghalien: “Here is what I propose. We go to this primary base of theirs, destroy their weapons of war once and for all, and then with a show of utter force convince them that they cannot win. Keep in mind we have foiled their plans, we have destroyed their bases, we have slain their heroes, we have detonated their power sources, we have blown up their missiles, we have shot down their flying machines, we have stolen their rolling machines, we have taken their jetpack machines --There is NOTHING they can do that we cannot undo!”
DM: Somewhere in the middle of your speech a band appears and starts playing a song for the speech…
Aibghalien: “This was the best investment I ever made... We will fight on the beaches! We will fight in the helicopters! We will fireball their armies, be they grand or small! We shall never surrender! I have nothing to offer you but blood, toil, sweat, and tears, the bodily fluids all coming out of your enemies but the toil is yours!”
Wes: (looks baffled)
Aibghalien: You’re gonna smite ‘em and they’re gonna bleed.
Aibghalien then recaps for Devlyn, who had wandered off.
Wes: We have to send Devlyn in to scout first…
DM: The moment he enters their territory, let me paint you a picture, he notices nothing but pictures of his face, in different outfits. “If you see this man…”
Aibghalien complains about a lack of treasure from the last adventure, after which treasure promptly and inexplicably appears. It is not enough to purchase anything, so they turn to planning. The base is protected by three installations that enclose it in a barrier. Star Wars jokes ensue. The other players tease Saikon for his un-American upbringing.
Rhuann: We should start giving him his American cultural inauguration.
Saikon: What TOOK you guys so long?
Devlyn: I don’t know…
Wes: I didn’t know you still needed it.
Saikon: I have successfully spied my way in…
Wes: You haven’t LEARNED much as a spy!
Aibghalien: He’s learned how to turn undead… no! This is it, this is it! He’s learned how to turn undead so they can fucking take out Baba Yaga once and for all!
Back to planning. If they take out one installation, a hole will result on the opposite side, before the other installations power up more and seal it. They have 20 minutes to get to the other side at most! Aibghalien begins furiously calculating, complaining constantly all the while. The other players come up with a plan, involving a rarely-used army of mooks and capable people, that render his beautiful one-minute-to-spare plan painfully moot.
Wes: ELF! ELF! ELLLLLF!
The offensive begins immediately, leading Aibghalien to wonder how long he was calculating. Wes’s army flattens the barrier, as the players fly into the confines of the barrier. They approach a massive structure, in the shape of a diamond, surrounded by circular discs.
Saikon: Silos.
DM: Hey! That’s out of character, you guys have no idea what silos are!
Saikon: That WAS out of character…
Aibghalien: “Looks like summoning circles, perhaps this is where they imbue their weapons with evil powers.”
The group heads for a large pair of conveniently-opening doors in the ground.
Aibghalien: “It would be rude of us not to oblige their invitation.”
Wes: “Say what you want about me, I won’t be called rude.”
DM: As you approach the doors-
Aibghalien: It would be rude to smash tables.
Wes: (pauses, then makes smashing motions)
Aibghalien: Rude it is!
DM: You’re about 300 feet above now where that entrance is, the steel doors being completely open. Inside you see sort of something walking very slowly up the ramp.
Aibghalien: Metal Gear. Fucking Metal Gear.
Wes: Rex or Ray?
DM: Neither. I was watching Robocop last night, so this monster drastically changed from its original design.
Wes: All we gotta do is find some stairs and go down them.
Aibghalien: I think you’re thinking of Daleks.
DM: “They designed stairs for me. I have no trouble.” You all have stopped because of this thing… “You have entered illegal airspace. You have 30 seconds to comply or I will use lethal force.”
Wes: We don’t have… um…
Saikon: He’s given us plenty of time.
DM: “Lethal force.”
Aibghalien: That wasn’t-
Players: --thirty seconds!
DM: “I lied.”
Aibghalien: “No you didn’t!”
The robot fails to fall for Aibghalien’s trick and initiative is rolled.
Devlyn: ELF! ELF! ELF!
Wes: He rolled a natural one, that means he never goes because he botches initiative!
DM: That would suck!
Wes: It might take us a while, but blow, blow, blow the man down!
Rhuann has wandered off again, so the others pass time complaining about really bad drivers, which somehow segues into how Saikon’s dad is an immortal badass. Rhuann finally gets back before anarchy breaks out. Aibghalien casts Protection from Arrows on Wes. Wes jetpack-charges the robot, then struggles with the math for several minutes.
Wes: I’d forgotten how much WORK this was.
Devlyn: I don’t even want to calculate this shit!
Aibghalien: I haven’t even cast Mass Enlarge Person yet.
Wes: Yeah. I had to subtract some of the stuff - 94. Do I get any damage bonus for charge?
DM: That particular rocket charge you do get - it’s a flat +20.
Wes: 114.
DM: As you fly into it, and like smash, shattering a little bit and hit its metal shell, like pushing him down a little bit, but it’s resisting, so you just see this giant -
Wes: Stop resisting!
DM: -- pushing against this little dude, your jets flaring as you try to push him down. “Mark Five Power Armor -“
Wes: (talking over the robot’s taunts) He can’t hit me! I know what he looks like so he can’t hit me from this position! His arms don’t swivel this way!
DM: He’s more advanced! So you just sort of see the armor up here shift up, and then the arms shift out to the side. “Mark Five model armor-“
Wes: (talking over the robot’s taunts again) So he’s gonna shoot at his own head? He’s firing into melee, which is himself!
Aibghalien: You know what the worst way to beat this guy would be? Illusory Pit. “Noooooooo!”
Wes: Just like in the movie! Hee hee, illusory stairs!
DM: You see his arms sort of lift up, and boom!
Wes: But he goes after Aibghalien.
Aibghalien: I cast Protection from Arrows.
DM: Yeah, you did nothing. “Protection from Arrows… not from fists.”
Wes: It doesn’t HAVE fists! It has two double-barreled arms, and it can’t reach around to the top of its head!
Saikon: Another arm comes out of its head.
The robot smashes Wes at the ground for 23 points of damage or so, then deploys guns from its back to attack the others for twelve points. Rhuann’s turn comes up.
DM: I just hope you guys forgot about that very annoying spell you used last time.
Saikon: What spell was…?
DM: I’m not gonna tell you. It was very annoying and it ruined an entire battle, made it trivial. Made me angry!
Aibghalien: Banishment?
DM: No, it wasn’t even that. It wasn’t even that. That wasn’t the one pissed me off, I had this great battle planned…
Devlyn: There was the rust one, that one really fucked up that battle…
Aibghalien: No, he said the last one.
DM: No, it wasn’t the last one. It was supposed to be a really big long epic battle, but you turned it into a - a twenty-turn campaign.
Aibghalien: There’s a lot of spells that could have been. …We should have brought a rust monster.
DM: And the rust monster’s like… (gasping in joy) It has a heart attack because it’s so excited. You guys watch the rust monster like, liquidate itself from excitement.
Wes: Nom nom nom!
Aibghalien: The rust monster orgasmed itself to death. Eaaauuugh!
DM: It gets maybe an inch off the foot before it’s just, “Ugh, I’m full. Too much to eat!”
Rhuann becomes a bear, then Devlyn and Saikon are up. The DM describes four points of interest - the top, the face, the arm joints, and the knee joints. (He does realize this is more than four points as he talks.) Devlyn attacks, hits, and steals Aibghalien’s d8.
Aibghalien: My d8! I have so few of those?
Wes: Can’t you transmute those?
DM: I dunno, yesterday you were transmuting d20s into d8s, I don’t see the fucking problem.
Aibghalien: No, that was grapes into d10s.
DM: Why don’t you just make some d8s out of grapes?
Aibghalien: Because I don’t HAVE any grapes. And I can’t control the process.
Saikon: Wild magic!
Devlyn strikes it, but not for a colossal amount of damage.
Aibghalien: Devlyn, stop missing!
Devlyn: No, I’m just not doing much damage-
Aibghalien: Devlyn, stop whiffing!
Devlyn: I’m not whiffing-
Aibghalien: Hit it!
Devlyn: -- I’m just not doing much damage.
Aibghalien: Do some damage to it!
Devlyn: I’m trying to do some goddamn damage to it!
Aibghalien: How’re we gonna kill it if you don’t do some damage to it?
Devlyn: Shut the fuck up.
DM: I’d stop talking if I were you, all you’ve done is cast a useless spell at him.
Saikon casts Flame Strike on its weapons in the hopes of detonating its ammo. Aibghalien starts singing the Fireball Song as Saikon rolls 26d6 damage or something like that and comes up with damage. The topmost turret is annihilated, but adaptive armor seals the armor breaches. Aibghalien casts Elation to general (sarcastic) acclaim.
Wes: Does a nineteen hit?
DM: No.
Wes: I’ll just roll for the four attacks that DID hit him, then.
Out of curiosity, Aibghalien hurls an oatmeal cream pie at Devlyn with his full strength. It bounces off his face harmlessly.
Aibghalien: It can’t possibly hurt you. (hurls another one)
Devlyn: Throw something less delicious at me.
Wes finishes rolling and comes up with 75, plus 41, plus 33. The DM tells him it has four digits worth of HP, irritating Wes severely, but also indicates that something will happen in a few HP. Frieza jokes are made. Wes adds in a 46 to his rolls. He smashes off the head by doing so, but the robot just switches to auxiliary power and continues. The other players get to go!
Wes: Which one of you has Ultima?
Aibghalien: I only have Merton.
Rhuann: The 24’ bear goes…
Rhuann hits, then grapples with Improved Grab bear powers.
DM: I don’t know why you guys kept attacking the head, when it was the most armored part about it. I was like trying to point out, “The joints aren’t that armored!” “We’re gonna take out the head, it’ll die!”
Aibghalien: Look, look, when you said it was the most armored part, Wes took that as a challenge.
Wes: So what, its robotic brain is in its knee joints? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
Rhuann calls out some 31 points of damage from her claw attack. The DM describes her mauling the joint. Devlyn damages an arm for 47. Saikon casts Mass Bull’s Strength to make the warriors stronger… and Zoidberg - err, Aibghalien. Rhuann pitches something at Aibghalien, hits the computer, and costs us several minutes of recording time, during which the robot was slaughtered. We rejoin the players as they stare at the entrance tunnel.
DM: Two incredibly fast people come from the tunnel, in armor very similar to you.
Wes: Gold and silver. (chuckling, then suddenly stopping) You better not have made -
Wes rolls a Strength check for 27, which succeeds. Wes catches both the incoming bogeys near-effortlessly.
Wes: Y’all can go in and do what you need to do, I’ve pretty much got this under control.
Aibghalien: Ha ha, he’s got a pretty good point…
Wes: If y’all wanna take care of business, maybe leave one person to help me out…
DM: “You misunderstand our purpose…”
Wes: Uh-oh! Getting out of here! They’re gonna self-destruct!
DM: A moment before you have the chance to fly away, the damage is already done. A pulse wave flies outward from both of them.
Wes: They EMPed?!
DM: Yes.
Wes: What the fuck is this shiiiiit!
DM: Roughly a one hundred by one hundred electromagnetic wave comes pouring out - no, it was three hundred around… pours out of them. The moment you get hit, your armor begins to fall off you.
Wes: What? EMP makes it shut down, not disintegrate!
DM: Keep listening, keep listening!
Wes: This is my Mandalorian suit!
DM: Anyway, the moment that happens you slowly sink to the ground, as if the flight spell just wore off.
A pulse that affects electronics AND magic? No one likes that. It even kicks Rhuann out of bear form. The effect was a suicide run for its users, though, and despite some dispels and Wes being armorless the party is less the worse for wear.
DM: The rest of the base seems silent at this point. No alarms blaring, no people rushing out…
Aibghalien: Let’s go.
The DM describes the building they’re entering. The party falls into formation and they head down the ramp. Aibghalien brings up the Magitek Factory music on the laptop, distracting everyone. The party finds a door with a keycard slot, which they pass through after trying numerous cards from their collection, then travel down a hallway towards the central area. Eschewing the main structure, they instead head in the direction of the ‘summoning circles’.
Wes: The main facility probably has the controls for those… Summoning… circles.
Saikon: And the self-dispel button.
Aibghalien loads the music from Dr. Leo’s Lab in Soulblazer, prompting a moment’s reminiscence on how awesome that game was.
Saikon: Guys, should I resurrect Golbez? Why haven’t I done this yet?
Aibghalien: No, I think we should head for the summoning circles and look for that self-dispel button.
DM: As you head in that direction, before you get to that sort of main door, you see this grid of light… red lights, that just go down on the top and across as well.
Aibghalien: Clearly that’s some sort of wall… the grid pattern indicates a fence. Wes, you’re the most durable of us.
Wes pitches in a bottle, which is shredded by the containment lasers. Wes smashes a control panel.
DM: Give me a Strength check.
Aibghalien: I don’t think that was the proper way to disable them.
Wes: 22.
DM: Your hand easily, even with your just normal gauntlets, smash through the panel without much trouble. You see the lights… (fizzling noise)
Aibghalien: I stand corrected, good job Wes.
Wes: Barbarian know-how.
Aibghalien: This will only encourage him. Well, this will make traversing the hallway easier, let’s continue.
DM: As you reach the end of the hall, you see another set of steel doors. This is actually very familiar to... um… I can’t think of his character’s name.
Devlyn: Devlyn?
DM: Devlyn. It’s one of those elevator devices that lets you go up and down.
Devlyn: One of those magic boxes!
Wes: Magic boooooox!
Aibghalien: One of those magic boxes that seal you in! And take you to places that weren’t there before!
Wes: And play horrible melodies.
Aibghalien: Devlyn is like the Traveling Matt of our game. “The other daaaaay, I encountered a strange device!”
Wes: Can you see this party just waiting in an elevator, horrible Muzak playing?
More Soulblazer music distracts the game… again. The party enters the magic transporting box and push the button on the bottom, then attempt to decipher the meaning of the lights.
Aibghalien: So if the lights go to the left, that means we’re going?
Devlyn: …theoretically?
Aibghalien: Where did you learn that word?
Devlyn: From you.
Aibghalien: I see. That’s the only word you’ve learned, isn’t it?
Devlyn: Probably. Being around you only exacerbates - there’s another one!
DM: Eventually the whole kingdom starts talking like him. “It took me a looong time…” Even for an elf he’s on his deathbed of old age but it finally happened.
Aibghalien: (laughing)I’m immortal and in my deathbed of old age, I love it.
DM: I thought elves eventually did die of age.
Devlyn: In Cerilia they’re immortal.
DM: Oh, okay, You’ve reached your two thousandth year and finally the people around you are talking like you.
Devlyn: You’re preparing a noose out of sheer boredom with the abysmal intelligence of this world.
The elevator doors open, discharging them into a hallway, in which is the woman who had mind-controlled Aibghalien and, well, you know.
Aibghalien: I wasn’t in my right mind for that!
DM: Well you remember eeeeeevery moment.
Aibghalien: I thought I didn’t!
DM: You NOW start to remember those moments.
Aibghalien: No, I purge my memory!
Aibghalien attempts to casts Burning Blood, but it’s a cutscene so it fails. The woman slips into the darkness of another door, so the party follows.
DM: An eerie voice comes over the intercom. (mumbles something disheartened)
Saikon: Why are all these chicks depressed? I know what this reminds me of! Have you seen that game with the teleport things, that you shoot a teleporter and go through it?
Aibghalien: ...Portal?
Saikon: Portal, yes.
Aibghalien: That’s the closest he’s got to being relevant in all the time I’ve known him.
The DM continues to mutter as the voice of the woman, which is highly unintelligible in recorded form but is nevertheless her bemoaning her fate and how she enjoyed her time with Aibghalien.
Saikon: “Why fight this? Why not stay with us? We already have a few of your friends staying. You’ll get--“
DM: “She has NO CHOICE in the matter.”
Saikon: “Moderate accommodations-“
DM: “It doesn’t matter what you-“
Saikon: “Simple meals-“
Aibghalien: “Wes, find that voice and destroy it!”
DM: It’s an intercom!
Aibghalien: We don’t know what an intercom is!
DM: One of those little loud buzzers you-
Aibghalien: “Destroy it!”
DM: “It doesn’t matter what you destroy. I need to wipe you out to save the world. With you gone the Gorgon will give us the power we need to wipe out the other nations.”
Saikon: “You made a deal with him?”
Devlyn: “You idiot!”
Wes: “Idioooot! Even I know that’s a bad idea!”
DM: “Even now the Gorgon believes out power base is less than his, but we destroyed the gods once in eons past, and with these weapons we will destroy him. He was a fool to trust us. But you cannot stop this.”
Saikon: “The Gorgon is a god, he knows what you’re saying right now.”
DM: “You think the barrier only stops magic? Why don’t you think your gods knew what we were doing down here? They made a guess! When we put the barrier up they were as blind as the Gorgon.”
Aibghalien: “Guys? …Is this what it sounds like listening to me?”
Wes: “Yes.”
Aibghalien: “I’m really sorry. I’ll try to tone it down in the future.”
DM: When you reach the end of the hall you see a bunch of lights start to come on.
Aibghalien: Oh god, final boss lights! Shit! You always know the lights are ominous when they start coming on like that.
DM: This room is huge. Below you, you see a bunch of very large cylinders, sort of cone-tops and necks, piled up in these racks. Above you, you see circles about the same size as the others. Inside each circle is a very large cylinder with several of these other cylinders inside. Right now these little machines are automatically putting cases on them, building them inside. And above you see circles about the same size as the summoning circles you saw up top.
Aibghalien: I wonder if there could be a relation.
DM: In the back you see the familiar girl on top of a railing near the top, being held by another armor. Next to them are two armored figures as well. The rest of the movement in the room seems small and mechanical, they pay you no mind. Actually a couple of the robot pass you by… a little black box, shaped like a small pyramid-
Wes: Gonk!
DM: --Slips through your legs and zooms off. Most of the mechanical parts here don’t even pay you any mind as they continue to do their task, loading their large cylinders into the others, completing these weapons.
Aibghalien: How far away is this dude?
DM: Uh, across the room?
Aibghalien: 200 feet?
DM: 200 feet would be… 50 squares? Forty squares. No no no no, 200 yards.
Aibghalien: 600 feet.
DM: I wrote 200, I forgot to put the symbol…
Wes: Potion of Fly….
Devlyn: Potion of Flatulence!
DM: “What’s wrong with your armor, Wes? Did you enjoy my little game?”
Devlyn: Is it time for me to whip out the barbarians?
Wes: Hee hee, summon theeeem! Make him think they’re all copies of me. “Now you got five Weses, whatcha gonna doooooo?” (looking at his inventory) I forgot I had all these potions.
Aibghalien wanders off to look up a spell, so Rhuann hijacks the laptop to show off “Fellowship of the Vuvuzela.” Irritated, Aibghalien pitches a fireball, which is intercepted by anti-cutscene-interrupting robots.
Wes: “Take my armor away, fine! Come down and face me man-to-man.”
DM: “How about man to machine?”
Aibghalien: I’m heading forward.
DM: Armor to his left leaps off, and lands in front of you, on the floor between you, and walks towards you. Right now you have the high ground.
Wes: Then it’s over! It’s OVER! I have the high ground!
Saikon: Moral high ground?
Wes: Wes never has moral high ground!
Aibghalien: How many times did you rape that girl?
Wes: I raped no one! You’re the only one in this campaign who’s been raped!
Aibghalien: That’s true…
Rhuann: Yeah, that’s true.
DM: “You didn’t sound like you were being raped when you were calling out her name, heh ha ha! Your little wife there didn’t know about it? Oh you were well aware of what was happening!”
Aibghalien: (looks at Rhuann) When did we get married?
Wes: So the final boss here is a lecher?
Aibghalien: A pervert.
Wes: Yeah, a peeeeerv!
Aibghalien flies towards the boss, but the robots discharge pulses to threaten him and force the group to engage the robots rather than the boss. No one is entirely clear whether the flight spell was actually dispelled. Aibghalien tries logic.
Aibghalien: “Look, you and I both know that Wes and Devlyn and Rhuann will have these armored constructs down faster than you can say, ‘My, they took those down mighty quick!’ Do we have to pretend that they have to go through it or can we just get to the part where we kick your ass?”
DM: “The GM needs filler!”
Aibghalien: “I didn’t plan farther than this, dammit!”
Wes: I’m gonna stare the guy in the suit straight in the visor. “You don’t want to die for this fool, do you? I can see the beads of sweat.”
DM: “Death means nothing… to a machine.”
Wes: Machine!
Devlyn: MACHINES!
DM: A machine can be a maaaaan tooooo! “I was programmed to enjoy my job.”
Wes: While he’s programmed to spout drivel I’m going to cleave him in twine!
Saikon: Twain. Twain.
Initiative occurs, as does discussion of Mortal Kombat for reasons that can only be speculated (as is a rule for these bizarre side-discussions). The DM confuses feet and yards again, so the room abruptly increases substantially in size. Devlyn is up and rolls to hit, incidentally threatening Aibghalien who’s being a jerk.
DM: He turns around. “I’m joining you, robot!”
Aibghalien: We knew this would happen. All that sneaking around those other bases…
Devlyn: Made Devlyn realize that he was switchin’ sides.
DM: That’d be great if I worked with Devlyn to have a story where he becomes a double agent for them, tries to trick them.
Devlyn: That’d be hilarious.
DM: You guys get in the base and suddenly he goes through a door and closes it behind himself… He starts waving and smoke starts pouring in… I had like three double-agents the whole time! Aibghalien has his story and then Devlyn has his story…
Aibghalien: You know how that would end, right? (imitates an ambulance siren)
DM: Basically.
Aibghalien: “You guys are in the hospital for what?” “Fighting.” “Over what?” “Uhhhh…”
DM: “You don’t wanna know.”
Aibghalien: “He stole my girlfriend, yeah.”
DM: All of a sudden a guy comes out. “Looks like a D&D fight.” You see a d20 impression on somebody’s head…
Aibghalien: Meanwhile, Devlyn is over there doing algebra for his attack…
Devlyn: WHAT THE FUCK DOES “A” EQUAL?!
The DM threatens to switch his next campaign to base 8. Devlyn comes up with 65 total damage. Somehow the conversation becomes Transformers before the DM hauls it back forcibly to describe Devlyn’s results. Angry bear-Rhuann wants to slay the woman.
DM: He’s sort of choking her and holding her…
Aibghalien: I don’t care.
DM: “You cared for about three weeks as you passionately fucked the shit out of her!”
Wes: This guy needs to die.
DM: You guys are sitting there just sitting there while the bear is in the back, “Rrrraaaa!” Every time he says something her strength modifier goes up by one.
Rhuann: It’s true!
Wes: Wes has more class than this guy.
Aibghalien: I know! You know, for the last bad guy he’s really petty. Just petty!
Rhuann: I’m going to kill her on my own time, first I’m killing the guy who’s smack-talking.
Aibghalien: I gotta ask... is he wearing a pimp hat? ‘Cuz he really sounds like he should be wearing a pimp hat.
DM: You can’t really make out his figure-
Aibghalien: He’s wearing a pimp hat. He’s got a pimp hat and he’s got his cane across her throat, that’s what’s choking her.
Devlyn: Oh god.
DM: Aaaaaaanywayss…
Rhuann bear-attacks the robot in the way, then grapples it (with bear power), only to heve spikes erupt from said robot to damage her. Wes crits the robot to death. The DM complains about the damage output of the party, inadvertently revealing that the spell he was complaining about earlier was indeed Rusting Grasp, but had completely misunderstood the nature of the spell.
DM: “Another one of my minions destroyed.”
Aibghalien: “See, I told you. Look at that, it took no time at all, but we HAD to go through this pretense.”
DM: “It doesn’t matter!”
Aibghalien: “You’re wearing a giant hat over there, aren’t you?”
DM: “Why don’t you come over here and see?”
Aibghalien: “Working on it, but you keep being all, ‘Oh if you FLY over there I’ll be a prissy nancy-boy’-“
DM: “Go ahead and fly over here!”
Wes: “He speaks quite courageously for someone a hundred yards away.”
Aibghalien: (to Wes) “You heard him, go ahead and fly over there.”
Devlyn: “Oh no not HIM!! YOU! You, the elf!”
Aibghalien: “Hey, he soiled himself, stop making him scared!” “I-I did not!” “Yes you did I can smell it!”
DM: “In a few moments they’ll be ready. I’ll start launching them.”
Wes: Yeah, I’m just gonna go attack the missiles.
Aibghalien: I’ll launch a fireball.
DM: AT THE MISSILES?!
Aibghalien: Yes.
Saikon: aaaaAAAH teleportation don’t fail me now!
Wes: It’d be worth it to shut it down.
Devlyn: Hat of Disguise!
DM: It disguises itself as fire!
Devlyn: “I’m fire too!”
Wes: I can travel through fire! Everybody get close!
Aibghalien: Saikon gets to go before me…
DM: Saikon, I want you to know not to let him do that.
Saikon: Saikon has no idea what he’s going to so, but the guy is starting to really get on his nerves, and it seems time is of the essence, so he’s gonna - he always wanted to try Hold Person on somebody but he’s gonna put that off until next time. Saikon produces a scroll and begins to read it. It reads quite like a sentence. The magic words of the scribes appear on the scroll and magically the gods’ sentence is declared. DESTRUCTION!
A pause.
Aibghalien: What’s the range on that?
Saikon: Umm…
DM: I had not - one of the things I - out of all the myriad of things I thought you would do, okay… On that list was “Aibghalien would throw a fireball at the missile rack.” I‘m like, “Huh, I don’t think this will happen.”
Saikon: Range sixty feet.
Aibghalien: Yeah, he’s like six hundred feet away.
Saikon: All right, I’m not going to use my scroll then. I’m going to use my helm to teleport over there and use a crystal to quicken Destruction. “I sentence you to Destruction!”
DM: I don’t know what that spell does.
Saikon: Destruction, it instantly slays the target and consumes its remains… but not its possessions or treasure!
Aibghalien: I love you, D&D!
A quick discussion on the rules and ramifications continues. Aibghalien tries to find out if he’s wearing a giant hat. The villain attempts to use the woman as a shield, but the DM then realizes the spell doesn’t work that way. Nevertheless he saves. Aibghalien realizes he has no useful spells for the situation, since his loadout is AOE nukes, but then casts Forcecage on the most important robot he can see, crippling the missile production. The villain launches the one prepared missile, with the DM bemoaning that this will be ludicrously fast to cram things down into the D&D round system. Wes rips a missile out of his armor and pitches it into the fray, which blows up the villain. The woman teleports out, and the console is destroyed! Aibghalien jams the silo opening with Forcecage, then fireballs a couple of stacks from his wand. The group frantically teleports out… into a situation that was later retconned. What was it? We’ll find out next time…
DM: I’m telling you one day somehow those recordings are gonna end up on a server somewhere and someone will post it not knowing anything about it, and it’ll be accompanied by some ridiculous Flash video…
Aibghalien: We’ll have to head them off at the pass by creating our OWN ridiculous Flash video! I call beholder.
Saikon: No fair, you already have a government job, I’m trying to get one. Let’s see… security check…
Aibghalien: Uh-oh, Russian!
DM: What are you talking about, the moment he’s like, “I’d like a government job”… “From Russia, huh? Why don’t you just walk out the door now?”
Aibghalien: They gotta trade him back to the Soviet Union for an American spy… All this time it turns out he was a Russian spy. He was spying on our D&D habits so the Russian Empire could learn how to master them for their glorious benefit in defense of the homeland.
DM: No, they’re confused, they think that this is really happening.
Wes: (wheezing)
Rhuann: You’re gonna make Wes snort or something, he’s sitting over there wheezing.
Aibghalien: Aim away from the computer, for the love of God!
DM: No, they’re like, “These people can throw fireballs! They just turned stone to mud! Convert our walls into steel!”
Aibghalien: For some reason now all Russian government installations now have a quarter inch of lead in their building, to prevent scrying spells.
DM: What is this “true sight”?
Aibghalien: “Deviation”?
DM: “They’re going to their gods!”
Aibghalien: “Damn you, Americans, and your religion!”
DM: “I didn’t know these god-things worked!”
Aibghalien: This is what happens when we give up god for the defense of Russia.
DM: “We could’ve just prayed to our gods and got answers?” “It’s only yes or no, sir!” “Damn that still would be useful!”
Saikon: “Will the Americans attack in the next fifty years?” “No!” “Yaaay.”
The players attempt to remember what they did last time, with limited success. They had destroyed the temple funneling dark energy to the Gorgon and recaptured an artifact sword. They also had failed to get enough XP to level to 15, despite Aibghalien briefly believing he was only 13.
DM: Your forces haven’t been able to - even though you crushed the temple, your forces haven’t been able to take the area because of the residual dark energy -
Wes: Dark Energon!
DM: That’s still floating around. Actually you had to make a hasty retreat afterward, but -
Aibghalien: Our dignity! Some heroes we are, retreating.
The DM describes the dark sword shedding its evil energies in explosive skyward discharge, leaving a magnificent blade behind.
Aibghalien: All right, I’ll examine the blade. (pausing) Foolishly. Make a saving throw, right?
DM: No, not that bad. As you get closer to the blade you feel an immense amount of power glistening… er, bristling from it. It feels like you’re trying to walk through a thick fog or something like that.
Aibghalien: Great, I’m gonna be gone for a week, guys.
Wes: And when you come back…
Aibghalien: All YOU guys are doppelgangers instead!
DM: As you leave the field you find an industrialized world around you! The gravestones of your friends surround the area you’re in.
Aibghalien: Aww, c’mon guys, I turn my back on you for two seconds and look what happens.
Joking aside, Aibghalien touches the sword long enough to trigger its funky powers.
DM: You don’t feel as if you’ve moved, but - did you close your eyes when you did it?
Aibghalien: Yes.
DM: You feel as if you’ve moved, like you didn’t move very far.
Aibghalien: Where’d I go?
DM: You gotta open your eyes.
Aibghalien: I OPEN MY EYES!
DM: You find yourself in a land of clouds.
Aibghalien: D’oh.
DM: As you peer around you see these giants moving across. As you look to the direction ahead you see dark ominous clouds, and where the remains pillar of dark energy is dissipating.
Aibghalien: You know, I’d like to say something about the fact that as this character I finally got to heaven and it also sucks. It just… makes cosmic sense, I admit.
DM: As you continue to touch the blade, something rises out of the clouds near you. Their arm and hand rising up next to you, not even paying attention to you as they storm off towards the dark clouds.
Aibghalien: The gods didn’t notice me. I’m OFFENDED. FIREBALL!
DM: And thus, the world - you guys look to the skies and you hear “boop!” “BOOM!”
Saikon: Okay, next game!
DM: You see a cloak fall from the sky…
Aibghalien: Bad ending.
DM: You see a wave of dark energy racing towards you.
Aibghalien: I’ll be lifting my hand off that sword.
DM: You’re back where you were.
Aibghalien: “Gorgon just won. I saw it! Here poke the sword.”
Devlyn: It BUUUURNS!
DM: The moment you let go of it, the light sort of poured back into the blade. The jewel - you see the jewel sort of shift into a different gear.
Aibghalien: Apparently this sword has a transmission…
Excised: a debate on chocolate milk.
Aibghalien: “All right, Saikon, I entrust this holy blade to you. Figure it out.”
Saikon: “Okay.”
Aibghalien: “Let me know if you need he-you need help, all right.”
DM: (laughing) “Here, figure this out, tell me if you need help.” Like, two seconds. “You need help, give it back.”
Devlyn: “NOWWWWWWW.”
Saikon: “That is so like you.”
DM: Saikon’s like, “Hmm, let me think about it.” “TOO SLOW!”
Aibghalien: That was Aibghalien trying not to hog the spotlight. And FAILING.
Rhuann: Aibghalien always fails.
Saikon picks up a box of brownies.
Saikon: Are these still good like they were in our youth, or have the ingredients been replaced with imitation soy?
Devlyn: Why would you imitate soy?
Wes: It’s already imitation food.
Saikon: It was a joke.
Aibghalien: Imitation soy: made of beef.
Excised: One squabble over dice.
Aibghalien: All right, we’ve transmitted great power to the Gorgon but we’ve cut him off from getting any more, at least as I understand the situation.
Rhuann: You pray.
Aibghalien: I don’t pray. I analyze, then deduce based on my observations of the situation.
Note to fellow players: Dice being poured out? Loud. The DM recounts one of his favorite stories of racism and fear due to his ethnic background (French).
Aibghalien: Right now we can’t do much about the Gorgon, ‘cuz, y’know, kind of the heavens and that’s, for the moment, a bit out of our scale. But we do know that our other adversaries are apparently moving into some final stage of their plan, which we’re of necessity going to thwart. The question is, how do we find out what it is and what do we do about it? Let’s go find the priestess and ask her.
DM: Scene change!
Wes: (riffing the old Transformers scene-change)
DM: As you eventually make your way back to your own castle-
Aibghalien: We can teleport, that’s not an “eventually”.
DM: Eventually can be any length of time. I don’t remember if you used all your teleports, you might have to rest a day.
Aibghalien: God forbid.
DM: Anyway, you’re all back at your castle, to, uh…not a pleasant surprise.
Aibghalien: He’s finally leveled my castle, he’s been waiting all campaign to do it!
Wes: When it leveled did it get all its tables back?
DM: You find no castle, but, like, the tables in a large pile.
Aibghalien: I rebuild the castle out of tables. Ha HA!
Rhuann: And Wes is all like “WOOO!”
DM: “I can deal with THIS problem!”
Wes: You’ve built the greatest smashable fortress ever!
Aibghalien: Wes is about to do to tables what Link does to pots!
Rhuann: (snorts lemonade)
DM: I want to make a Jackie Chan character with a favored weapon, like, “Chairs”.
Aibghalien: Ladder.
DM: Anyways, here in the center of your castle-where did you teleport to?
Aibghalien: I would assume the usual teleport destination, probably my throne room.
DM: All right-
Aibghalien: “It’s oddly sunny here.”
Saikon: I hope your throne room was on the first floor.
Aibghalien: It was. There was a basement though. Hopefully they haven’t done too much foundation work…
DM: You appear back at your castle. It’s ominously dark. Very quiet.
Aibghalien: (claps twice)
DM: Nothing happens.
Aibghalien: Damn you, magic Clapper!
DM: Even from the outside it’s incredibly dark. It’s insanely quiet. Normally you would hear a small commotion from the outside, based on the time it was, where you were… it shouldn’t be this dark!
Saikon produces a source of magic light, but it is oppressed immediately, so he casts True Sight. This allows him to see, but everyone around him in the throne room is utterly still. Aibghalien detects magic and promptly goes momentarily blind from seeing too much magic. The two casters start up dispels.
Saikon: Aibghalien, can you produce a couple d20s so I can test them for 20ness?
Wes: Why don’t you guys just… take turns?
DM: They can’t communicate.
Aibghalien: Wes, smash the darkness!
Saikon dispels the darkness, but everyone else sees no one moving. Aibghalien dispels the stillness, to further no effect.
Wes: While they were doing all this I just enraged and started spinning!
Aibghalien dispels magic again to no effect, then backs out of the castle quietly. In the sky above him he sees a massive ring of clouds with a dark orb in the center. He dispels it, then wakes up in his throne room! It was all an illusion! He dispels it off the others and they all awake as well.
DM: Wes wakes up, goes into a whirlwind, and smashes a nearby table.
Wes: “This table wasn’t here a moment ago.”
Aibghalien: “It snuck up on me, I only did what I had to do.”
Wes: “I smashed it once, now I smashed it again. How is it possible, wizard? What have you done this time?”
Aibghalien: “I can only dream of a table that regenerates itself after smashing.”
DM: When we continue this campaign your castle will be full of tables, for smashing…
Aibghalien: Wes’s training room is nothing but tables.
Wes: Like in Fantasia, he smashes it, and then…
Saikon decides to contact his goddess for advice, and so casts a spell…
DM: The moment you cast Deviation--
Players: Divination!
DM: --Devination --
Saikon: Devination?
DM: The moment you cast the spell, the sword on your back glows and you hear the sound of a gem - Kwsssht! - back into place. You all watch as he vanishes in a flash of light. You find yourself in the upper clouds, not just listening to your god trying to answer questions, asking her questions - you find yourself on top of her head, as she attempts to cast some insanely powerful magic you know nothing about.
Aibghalien: Unfortunately, she’s human-sized to you, so you snap her neck.
Saikon: How tall is she?
DM: You have no idea, you just know you’re on-
Saikon: How big is her head?
DM: -- some giant platform that is her head. You have no idea, you see a bunch of hair up there, so you know you’re on someone’s head.
Saikon: Is it, like, the size of an exercise ball -
DM: You can see the edge of it. You can walk about it-
Saikon: The size of a football field?
Aibghalien: Let’s just say your dreams of a special relationship with your goddess have just been spoiled.
Saikon: She has many forms.
DM: “I can change size!”
Aibghalien: “I can change sizes… in width.”
DM: (applauds nonironically)
Aibghalien: Now we know how she gets her worshippers!
Devlyn: Parlor tricks!
Aibghalien: That explains so much!
DM: “Do you have questions? Or have you just come to sit upon my head?”
Saikon: “I know not why I was brought here. Please, can you let me down?”
DM: A huge mitt comes up and rests right there… she sets you back down in front of her.
Aibghalien: She throws you at the Gorgon. “Aaaaargh, cleric to my eye, my one weakness!”
Saikon: “Oh mighty Avanie, flower of wisdom, fountain of knowledge, how did I come to be here?”
DM: (as another god) “Oh no, it’s one of your followers, always so long winded, just get to your question!” “He did! He said how did he come here?” “Isn’t it obvious it’s the sword! Your little buddy, your friend came up here the first time!”
Aibghalien: Ah, they did notice me! I don’t have to rip ‘em all a new one.
DM: You watch as he turns down, hearing what he said. “We don’t talk to you because YOU CAN’T HEAR US! ELF! ELF!” He starts yelling “ELF” over and over and over again!
Saikon: “Just because you don’t believe it us doesn’t mean we aren’t there!”
Aibghalien: “I have this sudden feeling that I should be raging against the heavens.”
DM: “ELF! ELF!”
Aibghalien: But it’s completely unvalidated!
DM: “See look, he just sits there pretending nothing’s happening. The whole elf race is like that, they PISS me OFF…”
Wes: I just picture this fifty-foot good leaning down… “ELFFF! ELF! ELF!”
Saikon: “Oh Avanie, we have cut off the cloud of blackness that was powering the Gorgon, now what remains to be done?”
DM: “He is still strong, but you carry the weapon. The weapon that he tried to hide. The weapon he tried to corrupt.”
Saikon: “Ah, is this one of the artifacts like this hammer?”
DM: “Yes.”
Saikon: So now we have staff, dagger, hammer, sword…
DM: The crown.
Aibghalien: Didn’t we break that?
DM: Huh?
Aibghalien: I thought we snapped that when I was using it to corrupt Wes.
DM: You still have the pieces. It’s not entirely useful the way it was before, but it can be rebuilt.
Aibghalien: Well, if it still works, that’s okay.
DM: “You have the items you need, the sword was the key. The crown can be rebuilt.”
Saikon: “Very well, the crown shall be remade.”
DM: “Use the hammer. The sword is the key to the land.”
Aibghalien: You know, we’re going to completely misinterpret this, he’s going to come down and tell us something not quite right, and we’re gonna think it’s something not quite right… it’s gonna end up with all the weapons and artifacts duct-taped in one big ball. “All right, we’ve done what they said!”
DM: This is not the Aliens solution, all right, you can’t fucking tape a flamethrower to a machine gun!
Saikon: “Um…”
DM: “The battle still wages on, but you have another battle.”
Saikon: “You mean with the outsiders.”
DM: “Yes. The outsiders are planning something big… beyond their leader’s control. Their masters, the nations from the fallen world outside, beyond the gods, the ones that killed their gods. We made the shield that protects that land. We did not expect them to destroy the barriers. We did not expect the Gorgon to go outside the barrier.”
Aibghalien: I wonder what would happen if we locked the Gorgon out of the shield. “Dammit! Lemme in, guys! Not funny!”
Devlyn: “Not funny, guys!”
Aibghalien: “WIIIIIILMAAAAAA!”
A little more exposition, including some lore debate and some mocking of Aibghalien.
Saikon: “Very well, my goddess, I have heard your advice, and I will return to my companions to carry out your intentions.” Saikon reappears?
DM: Yes, the light dims, and you are back in the throne room. The sword goes “chjink!”
Saikon: “My friends, I have seen the face of my goddess. Our business is urgent! The outsiders are planning something. We must set aside our quarrel with the Gorgon for the time.”
Aibghalien: “Okay wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You just went up. To your goddess. Who in her infinite wisdom and power, told you exactly what I told you five minutes before you did it. Great use of the trip. Let’s get to work.”
DM: All the rest of you hear, “ELF! ELF! ELF! Tell that bastard to shut up, Wes! This is your god talking! Smash his tables!”
Wes: My god?
DM: You hear Crom yelling about smashing his tables. “But do not tell him WHY you smash the tables!”
Aibghalien: I already know why, Wes is an ass.
Aibghalien continues to chortle about the gods following his lead. Saikon pitches the sword at him. Aibghalien flubs the catch.
DM: The sword smashes a table, cutting through it like butter.
Wes: I must have this blade.
Aibghalien: I really should reconsider my “nothin’ but tables!” policy, but the Tablemakers’ Guild was so persuasive!
DM: You do notice there are quite a few tables in the room.
Aibghalien: “Curse you, Tablemakers’ Guild!”
DM: “No sir, we were trying to replace the tables that, uh… you know who broke.”
Wes: (growls)>
DM: He didn’t notice you, like, behind him…
Wes: “Speak louder, unless you value your life.”
DM: (girly scream)
Aibghalien: “He was referring to the collateral damage.”
Wes: “What is this…”
Aibghalien: “Stuff that got smashed while stuff that was supposed to be smashed got smashed.”
The ancient and honorable legacy of table-smashing in this campaign is discussed and good memories are relived. The friendly priestess appears. Aibghalien agrees to allow her to stay, despite Avanie having explicitly told Saikon that all the outsiders must be expelled. Bizarrely, Saikon chooses to ignore or reinterpret his goddess’s instructions as well.
Saikon: “Kick the MEAN ones out, is what I heard.”
The priestess gives them every security card and code she and Karl compiled. The characters attempt to hammer out the lore about the gods again.
Rhuann: ELF! ELF! ELF!
The group establishes that the outsiders are planning to use a neutron bomb, not that they understand it as such. Aibghalien starts ranting.
Aibghalien: “Here is what I propose. We go to this primary base of theirs, destroy their weapons of war once and for all, and then with a show of utter force convince them that they cannot win. Keep in mind we have foiled their plans, we have destroyed their bases, we have slain their heroes, we have detonated their power sources, we have blown up their missiles, we have shot down their flying machines, we have stolen their rolling machines, we have taken their jetpack machines --There is NOTHING they can do that we cannot undo!”
DM: Somewhere in the middle of your speech a band appears and starts playing a song for the speech…
Aibghalien: “This was the best investment I ever made... We will fight on the beaches! We will fight in the helicopters! We will fireball their armies, be they grand or small! We shall never surrender! I have nothing to offer you but blood, toil, sweat, and tears, the bodily fluids all coming out of your enemies but the toil is yours!”
Wes: (looks baffled)
Aibghalien: You’re gonna smite ‘em and they’re gonna bleed.
Aibghalien then recaps for Devlyn, who had wandered off.
Wes: We have to send Devlyn in to scout first…
DM: The moment he enters their territory, let me paint you a picture, he notices nothing but pictures of his face, in different outfits. “If you see this man…”
Aibghalien complains about a lack of treasure from the last adventure, after which treasure promptly and inexplicably appears. It is not enough to purchase anything, so they turn to planning. The base is protected by three installations that enclose it in a barrier. Star Wars jokes ensue. The other players tease Saikon for his un-American upbringing.
Rhuann: We should start giving him his American cultural inauguration.
Saikon: What TOOK you guys so long?
Devlyn: I don’t know…
Wes: I didn’t know you still needed it.
Saikon: I have successfully spied my way in…
Wes: You haven’t LEARNED much as a spy!
Aibghalien: He’s learned how to turn undead… no! This is it, this is it! He’s learned how to turn undead so they can fucking take out Baba Yaga once and for all!
Back to planning. If they take out one installation, a hole will result on the opposite side, before the other installations power up more and seal it. They have 20 minutes to get to the other side at most! Aibghalien begins furiously calculating, complaining constantly all the while. The other players come up with a plan, involving a rarely-used army of mooks and capable people, that render his beautiful one-minute-to-spare plan painfully moot.
Wes: ELF! ELF! ELLLLLF!
The offensive begins immediately, leading Aibghalien to wonder how long he was calculating. Wes’s army flattens the barrier, as the players fly into the confines of the barrier. They approach a massive structure, in the shape of a diamond, surrounded by circular discs.
Saikon: Silos.
DM: Hey! That’s out of character, you guys have no idea what silos are!
Saikon: That WAS out of character…
Aibghalien: “Looks like summoning circles, perhaps this is where they imbue their weapons with evil powers.”
The group heads for a large pair of conveniently-opening doors in the ground.
Aibghalien: “It would be rude of us not to oblige their invitation.”
Wes: “Say what you want about me, I won’t be called rude.”
DM: As you approach the doors-
Aibghalien: It would be rude to smash tables.
Wes: (pauses, then makes smashing motions)
Aibghalien: Rude it is!
DM: You’re about 300 feet above now where that entrance is, the steel doors being completely open. Inside you see sort of something walking very slowly up the ramp.
Aibghalien: Metal Gear. Fucking Metal Gear.
Wes: Rex or Ray?
DM: Neither. I was watching Robocop last night, so this monster drastically changed from its original design.
Wes: All we gotta do is find some stairs and go down them.
Aibghalien: I think you’re thinking of Daleks.
DM: “They designed stairs for me. I have no trouble.” You all have stopped because of this thing… “You have entered illegal airspace. You have 30 seconds to comply or I will use lethal force.”
Wes: We don’t have… um…
Saikon: He’s given us plenty of time.
DM: “Lethal force.”
Aibghalien: That wasn’t-
Players: --thirty seconds!
DM: “I lied.”
Aibghalien: “No you didn’t!”
The robot fails to fall for Aibghalien’s trick and initiative is rolled.
Devlyn: ELF! ELF! ELF!
Wes: He rolled a natural one, that means he never goes because he botches initiative!
DM: That would suck!
Wes: It might take us a while, but blow, blow, blow the man down!
Rhuann has wandered off again, so the others pass time complaining about really bad drivers, which somehow segues into how Saikon’s dad is an immortal badass. Rhuann finally gets back before anarchy breaks out. Aibghalien casts Protection from Arrows on Wes. Wes jetpack-charges the robot, then struggles with the math for several minutes.
Wes: I’d forgotten how much WORK this was.
Devlyn: I don’t even want to calculate this shit!
Aibghalien: I haven’t even cast Mass Enlarge Person yet.
Wes: Yeah. I had to subtract some of the stuff - 94. Do I get any damage bonus for charge?
DM: That particular rocket charge you do get - it’s a flat +20.
Wes: 114.
DM: As you fly into it, and like smash, shattering a little bit and hit its metal shell, like pushing him down a little bit, but it’s resisting, so you just see this giant -
Wes: Stop resisting!
DM: -- pushing against this little dude, your jets flaring as you try to push him down. “Mark Five Power Armor -“
Wes: (talking over the robot’s taunts) He can’t hit me! I know what he looks like so he can’t hit me from this position! His arms don’t swivel this way!
DM: He’s more advanced! So you just sort of see the armor up here shift up, and then the arms shift out to the side. “Mark Five model armor-“
Wes: (talking over the robot’s taunts again) So he’s gonna shoot at his own head? He’s firing into melee, which is himself!
Aibghalien: You know what the worst way to beat this guy would be? Illusory Pit. “Noooooooo!”
Wes: Just like in the movie! Hee hee, illusory stairs!
DM: You see his arms sort of lift up, and boom!
Wes: But he goes after Aibghalien.
Aibghalien: I cast Protection from Arrows.
DM: Yeah, you did nothing. “Protection from Arrows… not from fists.”
Wes: It doesn’t HAVE fists! It has two double-barreled arms, and it can’t reach around to the top of its head!
Saikon: Another arm comes out of its head.
The robot smashes Wes at the ground for 23 points of damage or so, then deploys guns from its back to attack the others for twelve points. Rhuann’s turn comes up.
DM: I just hope you guys forgot about that very annoying spell you used last time.
Saikon: What spell was…?
DM: I’m not gonna tell you. It was very annoying and it ruined an entire battle, made it trivial. Made me angry!
Aibghalien: Banishment?
DM: No, it wasn’t even that. It wasn’t even that. That wasn’t the one pissed me off, I had this great battle planned…
Devlyn: There was the rust one, that one really fucked up that battle…
Aibghalien: No, he said the last one.
DM: No, it wasn’t the last one. It was supposed to be a really big long epic battle, but you turned it into a - a twenty-turn campaign.
Aibghalien: There’s a lot of spells that could have been. …We should have brought a rust monster.
DM: And the rust monster’s like… (gasping in joy) It has a heart attack because it’s so excited. You guys watch the rust monster like, liquidate itself from excitement.
Wes: Nom nom nom!
Aibghalien: The rust monster orgasmed itself to death. Eaaauuugh!
DM: It gets maybe an inch off the foot before it’s just, “Ugh, I’m full. Too much to eat!”
Rhuann becomes a bear, then Devlyn and Saikon are up. The DM describes four points of interest - the top, the face, the arm joints, and the knee joints. (He does realize this is more than four points as he talks.) Devlyn attacks, hits, and steals Aibghalien’s d8.
Aibghalien: My d8! I have so few of those?
Wes: Can’t you transmute those?
DM: I dunno, yesterday you were transmuting d20s into d8s, I don’t see the fucking problem.
Aibghalien: No, that was grapes into d10s.
DM: Why don’t you just make some d8s out of grapes?
Aibghalien: Because I don’t HAVE any grapes. And I can’t control the process.
Saikon: Wild magic!
Devlyn strikes it, but not for a colossal amount of damage.
Aibghalien: Devlyn, stop missing!
Devlyn: No, I’m just not doing much damage-
Aibghalien: Devlyn, stop whiffing!
Devlyn: I’m not whiffing-
Aibghalien: Hit it!
Devlyn: -- I’m just not doing much damage.
Aibghalien: Do some damage to it!
Devlyn: I’m trying to do some goddamn damage to it!
Aibghalien: How’re we gonna kill it if you don’t do some damage to it?
Devlyn: Shut the fuck up.
DM: I’d stop talking if I were you, all you’ve done is cast a useless spell at him.
Saikon casts Flame Strike on its weapons in the hopes of detonating its ammo. Aibghalien starts singing the Fireball Song as Saikon rolls 26d6 damage or something like that and comes up with damage. The topmost turret is annihilated, but adaptive armor seals the armor breaches. Aibghalien casts Elation to general (sarcastic) acclaim.
Wes: Does a nineteen hit?
DM: No.
Wes: I’ll just roll for the four attacks that DID hit him, then.
Out of curiosity, Aibghalien hurls an oatmeal cream pie at Devlyn with his full strength. It bounces off his face harmlessly.
Aibghalien: It can’t possibly hurt you. (hurls another one)
Devlyn: Throw something less delicious at me.
Wes finishes rolling and comes up with 75, plus 41, plus 33. The DM tells him it has four digits worth of HP, irritating Wes severely, but also indicates that something will happen in a few HP. Frieza jokes are made. Wes adds in a 46 to his rolls. He smashes off the head by doing so, but the robot just switches to auxiliary power and continues. The other players get to go!
Wes: Which one of you has Ultima?
Aibghalien: I only have Merton.
Rhuann: The 24’ bear goes…
Rhuann hits, then grapples with Improved Grab bear powers.
DM: I don’t know why you guys kept attacking the head, when it was the most armored part about it. I was like trying to point out, “The joints aren’t that armored!” “We’re gonna take out the head, it’ll die!”
Aibghalien: Look, look, when you said it was the most armored part, Wes took that as a challenge.
Wes: So what, its robotic brain is in its knee joints? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
Rhuann calls out some 31 points of damage from her claw attack. The DM describes her mauling the joint. Devlyn damages an arm for 47. Saikon casts Mass Bull’s Strength to make the warriors stronger… and Zoidberg - err, Aibghalien. Rhuann pitches something at Aibghalien, hits the computer, and costs us several minutes of recording time, during which the robot was slaughtered. We rejoin the players as they stare at the entrance tunnel.
DM: Two incredibly fast people come from the tunnel, in armor very similar to you.
Wes: Gold and silver. (chuckling, then suddenly stopping) You better not have made -
Wes rolls a Strength check for 27, which succeeds. Wes catches both the incoming bogeys near-effortlessly.
Wes: Y’all can go in and do what you need to do, I’ve pretty much got this under control.
Aibghalien: Ha ha, he’s got a pretty good point…
Wes: If y’all wanna take care of business, maybe leave one person to help me out…
DM: “You misunderstand our purpose…”
Wes: Uh-oh! Getting out of here! They’re gonna self-destruct!
DM: A moment before you have the chance to fly away, the damage is already done. A pulse wave flies outward from both of them.
Wes: They EMPed?!
DM: Yes.
Wes: What the fuck is this shiiiiit!
DM: Roughly a one hundred by one hundred electromagnetic wave comes pouring out - no, it was three hundred around… pours out of them. The moment you get hit, your armor begins to fall off you.
Wes: What? EMP makes it shut down, not disintegrate!
DM: Keep listening, keep listening!
Wes: This is my Mandalorian suit!
DM: Anyway, the moment that happens you slowly sink to the ground, as if the flight spell just wore off.
A pulse that affects electronics AND magic? No one likes that. It even kicks Rhuann out of bear form. The effect was a suicide run for its users, though, and despite some dispels and Wes being armorless the party is less the worse for wear.
DM: The rest of the base seems silent at this point. No alarms blaring, no people rushing out…
Aibghalien: Let’s go.
The DM describes the building they’re entering. The party falls into formation and they head down the ramp. Aibghalien brings up the Magitek Factory music on the laptop, distracting everyone. The party finds a door with a keycard slot, which they pass through after trying numerous cards from their collection, then travel down a hallway towards the central area. Eschewing the main structure, they instead head in the direction of the ‘summoning circles’.
Wes: The main facility probably has the controls for those… Summoning… circles.
Saikon: And the self-dispel button.
Aibghalien loads the music from Dr. Leo’s Lab in Soulblazer, prompting a moment’s reminiscence on how awesome that game was.
Saikon: Guys, should I resurrect Golbez? Why haven’t I done this yet?
Aibghalien: No, I think we should head for the summoning circles and look for that self-dispel button.
DM: As you head in that direction, before you get to that sort of main door, you see this grid of light… red lights, that just go down on the top and across as well.
Aibghalien: Clearly that’s some sort of wall… the grid pattern indicates a fence. Wes, you’re the most durable of us.
Wes pitches in a bottle, which is shredded by the containment lasers. Wes smashes a control panel.
DM: Give me a Strength check.
Aibghalien: I don’t think that was the proper way to disable them.
Wes: 22.
DM: Your hand easily, even with your just normal gauntlets, smash through the panel without much trouble. You see the lights… (fizzling noise)
Aibghalien: I stand corrected, good job Wes.
Wes: Barbarian know-how.
Aibghalien: This will only encourage him. Well, this will make traversing the hallway easier, let’s continue.
DM: As you reach the end of the hall, you see another set of steel doors. This is actually very familiar to... um… I can’t think of his character’s name.
Devlyn: Devlyn?
DM: Devlyn. It’s one of those elevator devices that lets you go up and down.
Devlyn: One of those magic boxes!
Wes: Magic boooooox!
Aibghalien: One of those magic boxes that seal you in! And take you to places that weren’t there before!
Wes: And play horrible melodies.
Aibghalien: Devlyn is like the Traveling Matt of our game. “The other daaaaay, I encountered a strange device!”
Wes: Can you see this party just waiting in an elevator, horrible Muzak playing?
More Soulblazer music distracts the game… again. The party enters the magic transporting box and push the button on the bottom, then attempt to decipher the meaning of the lights.
Aibghalien: So if the lights go to the left, that means we’re going?
Devlyn: …theoretically?
Aibghalien: Where did you learn that word?
Devlyn: From you.
Aibghalien: I see. That’s the only word you’ve learned, isn’t it?
Devlyn: Probably. Being around you only exacerbates - there’s another one!
DM: Eventually the whole kingdom starts talking like him. “It took me a looong time…” Even for an elf he’s on his deathbed of old age but it finally happened.
Aibghalien: (laughing)I’m immortal and in my deathbed of old age, I love it.
DM: I thought elves eventually did die of age.
Devlyn: In Cerilia they’re immortal.
DM: Oh, okay, You’ve reached your two thousandth year and finally the people around you are talking like you.
Devlyn: You’re preparing a noose out of sheer boredom with the abysmal intelligence of this world.
The elevator doors open, discharging them into a hallway, in which is the woman who had mind-controlled Aibghalien and, well, you know.
Aibghalien: I wasn’t in my right mind for that!
DM: Well you remember eeeeeevery moment.
Aibghalien: I thought I didn’t!
DM: You NOW start to remember those moments.
Aibghalien: No, I purge my memory!
Aibghalien attempts to casts Burning Blood, but it’s a cutscene so it fails. The woman slips into the darkness of another door, so the party follows.
DM: An eerie voice comes over the intercom. (mumbles something disheartened)
Saikon: Why are all these chicks depressed? I know what this reminds me of! Have you seen that game with the teleport things, that you shoot a teleporter and go through it?
Aibghalien: ...Portal?
Saikon: Portal, yes.
Aibghalien: That’s the closest he’s got to being relevant in all the time I’ve known him.
The DM continues to mutter as the voice of the woman, which is highly unintelligible in recorded form but is nevertheless her bemoaning her fate and how she enjoyed her time with Aibghalien.
Saikon: “Why fight this? Why not stay with us? We already have a few of your friends staying. You’ll get--“
DM: “She has NO CHOICE in the matter.”
Saikon: “Moderate accommodations-“
DM: “It doesn’t matter what you-“
Saikon: “Simple meals-“
Aibghalien: “Wes, find that voice and destroy it!”
DM: It’s an intercom!
Aibghalien: We don’t know what an intercom is!
DM: One of those little loud buzzers you-
Aibghalien: “Destroy it!”
DM: “It doesn’t matter what you destroy. I need to wipe you out to save the world. With you gone the Gorgon will give us the power we need to wipe out the other nations.”
Saikon: “You made a deal with him?”
Devlyn: “You idiot!”
Wes: “Idioooot! Even I know that’s a bad idea!”
DM: “Even now the Gorgon believes out power base is less than his, but we destroyed the gods once in eons past, and with these weapons we will destroy him. He was a fool to trust us. But you cannot stop this.”
Saikon: “The Gorgon is a god, he knows what you’re saying right now.”
DM: “You think the barrier only stops magic? Why don’t you think your gods knew what we were doing down here? They made a guess! When we put the barrier up they were as blind as the Gorgon.”
Aibghalien: “Guys? …Is this what it sounds like listening to me?”
Wes: “Yes.”
Aibghalien: “I’m really sorry. I’ll try to tone it down in the future.”
DM: When you reach the end of the hall you see a bunch of lights start to come on.
Aibghalien: Oh god, final boss lights! Shit! You always know the lights are ominous when they start coming on like that.
DM: This room is huge. Below you, you see a bunch of very large cylinders, sort of cone-tops and necks, piled up in these racks. Above you, you see circles about the same size as the others. Inside each circle is a very large cylinder with several of these other cylinders inside. Right now these little machines are automatically putting cases on them, building them inside. And above you see circles about the same size as the summoning circles you saw up top.
Aibghalien: I wonder if there could be a relation.
DM: In the back you see the familiar girl on top of a railing near the top, being held by another armor. Next to them are two armored figures as well. The rest of the movement in the room seems small and mechanical, they pay you no mind. Actually a couple of the robot pass you by… a little black box, shaped like a small pyramid-
Wes: Gonk!
DM: --Slips through your legs and zooms off. Most of the mechanical parts here don’t even pay you any mind as they continue to do their task, loading their large cylinders into the others, completing these weapons.
Aibghalien: How far away is this dude?
DM: Uh, across the room?
Aibghalien: 200 feet?
DM: 200 feet would be… 50 squares? Forty squares. No no no no, 200 yards.
Aibghalien: 600 feet.
DM: I wrote 200, I forgot to put the symbol…
Wes: Potion of Fly….
Devlyn: Potion of Flatulence!
DM: “What’s wrong with your armor, Wes? Did you enjoy my little game?”
Devlyn: Is it time for me to whip out the barbarians?
Wes: Hee hee, summon theeeem! Make him think they’re all copies of me. “Now you got five Weses, whatcha gonna doooooo?” (looking at his inventory) I forgot I had all these potions.
Aibghalien wanders off to look up a spell, so Rhuann hijacks the laptop to show off “Fellowship of the Vuvuzela.” Irritated, Aibghalien pitches a fireball, which is intercepted by anti-cutscene-interrupting robots.
Wes: “Take my armor away, fine! Come down and face me man-to-man.”
DM: “How about man to machine?”
Aibghalien: I’m heading forward.
DM: Armor to his left leaps off, and lands in front of you, on the floor between you, and walks towards you. Right now you have the high ground.
Wes: Then it’s over! It’s OVER! I have the high ground!
Saikon: Moral high ground?
Wes: Wes never has moral high ground!
Aibghalien: How many times did you rape that girl?
Wes: I raped no one! You’re the only one in this campaign who’s been raped!
Aibghalien: That’s true…
Rhuann: Yeah, that’s true.
DM: “You didn’t sound like you were being raped when you were calling out her name, heh ha ha! Your little wife there didn’t know about it? Oh you were well aware of what was happening!”
Aibghalien: (looks at Rhuann) When did we get married?
Wes: So the final boss here is a lecher?
Aibghalien: A pervert.
Wes: Yeah, a peeeeerv!
Aibghalien flies towards the boss, but the robots discharge pulses to threaten him and force the group to engage the robots rather than the boss. No one is entirely clear whether the flight spell was actually dispelled. Aibghalien tries logic.
Aibghalien: “Look, you and I both know that Wes and Devlyn and Rhuann will have these armored constructs down faster than you can say, ‘My, they took those down mighty quick!’ Do we have to pretend that they have to go through it or can we just get to the part where we kick your ass?”
DM: “The GM needs filler!”
Aibghalien: “I didn’t plan farther than this, dammit!”
Wes: I’m gonna stare the guy in the suit straight in the visor. “You don’t want to die for this fool, do you? I can see the beads of sweat.”
DM: “Death means nothing… to a machine.”
Wes: Machine!
Devlyn: MACHINES!
DM: A machine can be a maaaaan tooooo! “I was programmed to enjoy my job.”
Wes: While he’s programmed to spout drivel I’m going to cleave him in twine!
Saikon: Twain. Twain.
Initiative occurs, as does discussion of Mortal Kombat for reasons that can only be speculated (as is a rule for these bizarre side-discussions). The DM confuses feet and yards again, so the room abruptly increases substantially in size. Devlyn is up and rolls to hit, incidentally threatening Aibghalien who’s being a jerk.
DM: He turns around. “I’m joining you, robot!”
Aibghalien: We knew this would happen. All that sneaking around those other bases…
Devlyn: Made Devlyn realize that he was switchin’ sides.
DM: That’d be great if I worked with Devlyn to have a story where he becomes a double agent for them, tries to trick them.
Devlyn: That’d be hilarious.
DM: You guys get in the base and suddenly he goes through a door and closes it behind himself… He starts waving and smoke starts pouring in… I had like three double-agents the whole time! Aibghalien has his story and then Devlyn has his story…
Aibghalien: You know how that would end, right? (imitates an ambulance siren)
DM: Basically.
Aibghalien: “You guys are in the hospital for what?” “Fighting.” “Over what?” “Uhhhh…”
DM: “You don’t wanna know.”
Aibghalien: “He stole my girlfriend, yeah.”
DM: All of a sudden a guy comes out. “Looks like a D&D fight.” You see a d20 impression on somebody’s head…
Aibghalien: Meanwhile, Devlyn is over there doing algebra for his attack…
Devlyn: WHAT THE FUCK DOES “A” EQUAL?!
The DM threatens to switch his next campaign to base 8. Devlyn comes up with 65 total damage. Somehow the conversation becomes Transformers before the DM hauls it back forcibly to describe Devlyn’s results. Angry bear-Rhuann wants to slay the woman.
DM: He’s sort of choking her and holding her…
Aibghalien: I don’t care.
DM: “You cared for about three weeks as you passionately fucked the shit out of her!”
Wes: This guy needs to die.
DM: You guys are sitting there just sitting there while the bear is in the back, “Rrrraaaa!” Every time he says something her strength modifier goes up by one.
Rhuann: It’s true!
Wes: Wes has more class than this guy.
Aibghalien: I know! You know, for the last bad guy he’s really petty. Just petty!
Rhuann: I’m going to kill her on my own time, first I’m killing the guy who’s smack-talking.
Aibghalien: I gotta ask... is he wearing a pimp hat? ‘Cuz he really sounds like he should be wearing a pimp hat.
DM: You can’t really make out his figure-
Aibghalien: He’s wearing a pimp hat. He’s got a pimp hat and he’s got his cane across her throat, that’s what’s choking her.
Devlyn: Oh god.
DM: Aaaaaaanywayss…
Rhuann bear-attacks the robot in the way, then grapples it (with bear power), only to heve spikes erupt from said robot to damage her. Wes crits the robot to death. The DM complains about the damage output of the party, inadvertently revealing that the spell he was complaining about earlier was indeed Rusting Grasp, but had completely misunderstood the nature of the spell.
DM: “Another one of my minions destroyed.”
Aibghalien: “See, I told you. Look at that, it took no time at all, but we HAD to go through this pretense.”
DM: “It doesn’t matter!”
Aibghalien: “You’re wearing a giant hat over there, aren’t you?”
DM: “Why don’t you come over here and see?”
Aibghalien: “Working on it, but you keep being all, ‘Oh if you FLY over there I’ll be a prissy nancy-boy’-“
DM: “Go ahead and fly over here!”
Wes: “He speaks quite courageously for someone a hundred yards away.”
Aibghalien: (to Wes) “You heard him, go ahead and fly over there.”
Devlyn: “Oh no not HIM!! YOU! You, the elf!”
Aibghalien: “Hey, he soiled himself, stop making him scared!” “I-I did not!” “Yes you did I can smell it!”
DM: “In a few moments they’ll be ready. I’ll start launching them.”
Wes: Yeah, I’m just gonna go attack the missiles.
Aibghalien: I’ll launch a fireball.
DM: AT THE MISSILES?!
Aibghalien: Yes.
Saikon: aaaaAAAH teleportation don’t fail me now!
Wes: It’d be worth it to shut it down.
Devlyn: Hat of Disguise!
DM: It disguises itself as fire!
Devlyn: “I’m fire too!”
Wes: I can travel through fire! Everybody get close!
Aibghalien: Saikon gets to go before me…
DM: Saikon, I want you to know not to let him do that.
Saikon: Saikon has no idea what he’s going to so, but the guy is starting to really get on his nerves, and it seems time is of the essence, so he’s gonna - he always wanted to try Hold Person on somebody but he’s gonna put that off until next time. Saikon produces a scroll and begins to read it. It reads quite like a sentence. The magic words of the scribes appear on the scroll and magically the gods’ sentence is declared. DESTRUCTION!
A pause.
Aibghalien: What’s the range on that?
Saikon: Umm…
DM: I had not - one of the things I - out of all the myriad of things I thought you would do, okay… On that list was “Aibghalien would throw a fireball at the missile rack.” I‘m like, “Huh, I don’t think this will happen.”
Saikon: Range sixty feet.
Aibghalien: Yeah, he’s like six hundred feet away.
Saikon: All right, I’m not going to use my scroll then. I’m going to use my helm to teleport over there and use a crystal to quicken Destruction. “I sentence you to Destruction!”
DM: I don’t know what that spell does.
Saikon: Destruction, it instantly slays the target and consumes its remains… but not its possessions or treasure!
Aibghalien: I love you, D&D!
A quick discussion on the rules and ramifications continues. Aibghalien tries to find out if he’s wearing a giant hat. The villain attempts to use the woman as a shield, but the DM then realizes the spell doesn’t work that way. Nevertheless he saves. Aibghalien realizes he has no useful spells for the situation, since his loadout is AOE nukes, but then casts Forcecage on the most important robot he can see, crippling the missile production. The villain launches the one prepared missile, with the DM bemoaning that this will be ludicrously fast to cram things down into the D&D round system. Wes rips a missile out of his armor and pitches it into the fray, which blows up the villain. The woman teleports out, and the console is destroyed! Aibghalien jams the silo opening with Forcecage, then fireballs a couple of stacks from his wand. The group frantically teleports out… into a situation that was later retconned. What was it? We’ll find out next time…