(no subject)
It's times like these that I wonder if I'm going insane. Here it is, 2:31 in the morning, and I can't stay still. I'm twitchy, restless, and extremely paranoid. Nothing seems to hold my attention for very long, and I find myself getting oddly agitated for no apparent reason. The agitation doesn't go away or even lessen; it just gets to a point where all I want to do is curl up into a small ball and cry. And I have no idea what causes this. I'm not depressed, I'm not unhappy, I'm just agitated.
I hate it.
It's like I have a small voice in the back of my head that tells me to doubt everything anyone says to me, no matter who that person is. It's making me paranoid around my friends, family, hells, even around my partner. I never fully trust anyone, as my father has instructed me since I was about three years old, but goddammit, I want to. I want to be able to completely put myself into the hands of someone else and know that I'm safe, that nothing bad is going to happen. I can't do that yet; sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to. I've been screwed over so many times by people who have claimed to care about me, stabbed in the back by people who claimed to love me, and I've become horribly jaded because of it. Fuck, I can't even walk down the street holding my partner's hand without constantly looking over my shoulder, my other hand reaching for my knife just in case.
Part of this may be because I've been horribly bored lately. I rarely see Matt, due to his job, so I'm left to my own devices for seventeen hours out of the day. At first it was all right; I'm a loner by nature, so it was nice to have some time to myself. But playing even EverQuest for eight hours at a minimum each day gets tedious. I have very little mental stimulation anymore, so my mind tends to wander. This is where things go bad. My mind, for those who don't know me well, has a tendency to try to torment me at any given time. So I began sleeping from around 4-5 am to 2-3 pm. It helped, at least to pass the time until Matt gets home. My day begins when he's around. I don't feel we're as close as we once were though, despite him being my partner. Don't get me wrong, I love him more than anything, I just feel as if we've drifted apart. That drifting has caused my paranoia to extend even to him, and it's been driving me nearly mad.
I'm scared, to be honest. I'm scared that my paranoia and my outward emotionlessness (is that even a word? Whatever) is causing me to drive others away. Showing emotions does not come easily to me, and while that's handy in a poker game, it sucks with social interaction. It's times like these especially, where I'm so keyed up and agitated and stressed to the point of crying, where my walls go up and I push people away. "I'm fine," I tell everyone, just so they won't worry themselves over me. After all, they shouldn't worry about me, they have enough in their own lives to be worried about rather than trying to get into the screwed up head of a guy who doesn't even know why he's upset. I know it bothers Matt, and I'm trying my damnedest to fix it. I've just always considered showing my emotions to be a sign of weakness, and it's hard to overcome that. The last thing I want is for him, the person who means the most to me in this world, to be driven away because of that.
Writing, which was once incredibly theraputic, now does nothing for me. I rarely write anymore, and then it's only in small snippets in either guild chat or RPing on Infernal Dynasty guild forums. My ADD has kicked into overdrive even now, and it's taken me much longer than it should to write this.
And I've already said too much. It's nearly three now. I should go join Matt in sleep, but I know it won't come to me. Might go take a walk if the mosquitos aren't too bad. Farmington's absolutely desolate at this time anyway, though I'll probably keep my knife at my side anyway. Will probably delete this post come morning too, now that I think about it.