When Emotions Hit
I am not sure if its acutally depression or if I am just feeling overwelmed.
I suddenly just lost all will to work on my school stuff. It just dosent seem too appealing at the moment. Its not hard work, just that I feel like stareing at the wall more then I do reading a book. I am having a moment where I am really just questioning what I have done to myself here. I am back in school, it seems right and feels right for the most part but is it really right? Am I really cut out for this?
This is also one of them times where I wonder if I am just trying to self sabatage myself so that I am not successful.
While I process this out I am also aware of the fact that I am still griving the loss of my dad. The other day in class I was surpised by the way I discribed our relationship. The discription was close but hostil. Now the hostil part isnt what is hitting me in a weird way, its the clsoness. I never really felt terrible close to him, more like afriad. Our relationship was nothing until I stood up to him and even then it was nothiing. I should have had to prove to him that I was worth respect to have respect. Beating someone up and proving youre a man isnt a real relationship. Its just fake, just like anything he was since he was drowned in a bottle of beer most the time. I never really knew the real him. I only knew the man behind the bottle. The man that alochol showed me.