Alone
It seems that I have regressed back to when I was a teen. I am just feeling as if I can not tell anyone anything anymore. Anytime I do, apparently I am some egotistical bastard or something. I just don't think I am that horrible of a person. I am tired of being told how horrible I am by people I really care about. On top of the fact that I just don't want to worry anyone about my problems that only seem to be in my head.
I am just waiting now for the explosion to happen. If I keep bottling up everything I will explode eventually.
I just don't want to hear how I am ok or how things are fine or how things are my fault. I just want to be able to talk about my headaches and have someone understand that it scares the crap out of me, that I am scared that it will be something really bad and serious, that I could end up having surgery or something. No one seems to want to hear that however, they just want to tell me how fine I will be or how fine things are now, how I simply shouldn't worry about it unless something really is wrong. Damn it however I just want to be allowed to worry and be scared and would it kill anyone to hold me and tell me its ok? It dose not help that my appointment today was cancled due to the doctors child being sick so now I have a new appointment for later in the month, so now I have more time to worry about it, more time to be scared over probably nothing, and more time to have anxiety up the ass. Who can I tell this to? no one cus they will simply tell me that I am ok and am fine, fuck that.
I am tired of being made out to be the bad person with some friends of mine. Theses two seem to think I am self absorded or something. That hurts.........its like they don't even know who James is, its like James is some stranger to them that they barely see.
One of them hurts more than the other because they are sapose to be my best friend. It just seems like that isn't the case anymore, that she is more than fine allowing our friendship to die out. When I wanted to fight for it and change it for the better it was like she could give two shits less. Dose she care that telling me that I would be more interested in making mac and cheese than her problems hurt? I have no clue, why would I bother to ask about her or be interested in fixing things if I was more interesting in mac and cheese? Dose she care that her guy telling me how self absorbed I am to her and her whole family was hurtful. I made a mistake and there was no way of un emailing something. Why couldn't they have said watch what you say or something. I have done so many things for her and would that are totally selfless. To be called self absorbed by her or any friend is a slap in the face. It is like they are saying we don't know you and any attempts you have ever made or are making just don't matter for shit.
This goes for the other person saying im egotisical and self absorbed. I have been tested by this guy for months now, just tested to see if I would bother sticking around. I put up with it, I tried to help him in everyway I could, why? Not because I was thinking of myself and all about me but because I thought hey this guy needs a friend. I have thought only of him and his fucking needs and his safety ever since I met him and he has the nerve to say that shit.......
I am tired of being called horrible names by both of them. Espesally when I have thought only of them and only of what they needed. I do my best to give them what they need to but all that seems like it dosn't mean a thing to either one.
I am not a self absorbed person. I think of others before myself almost always. I try to help out wherever I can with whomever I can. I am not all high and mighty that I think I am the shit. I have very bad problems with being humble. Half the time I don't even thing I am any help to anyone or that what I do just dosn't really matter. I don't sit around thinking I am the shit and I know everything. I don't know everything, I am not the best person in the whole world, I am just me. If I suck then I do, if I am awsome then I am. I can only ever be me.
I am just waiting now for the explosion to happen. If I keep bottling up everything I will explode eventually.
I just don't want to hear how I am ok or how things are fine or how things are my fault. I just want to be able to talk about my headaches and have someone understand that it scares the crap out of me, that I am scared that it will be something really bad and serious, that I could end up having surgery or something. No one seems to want to hear that however, they just want to tell me how fine I will be or how fine things are now, how I simply shouldn't worry about it unless something really is wrong. Damn it however I just want to be allowed to worry and be scared and would it kill anyone to hold me and tell me its ok? It dose not help that my appointment today was cancled due to the doctors child being sick so now I have a new appointment for later in the month, so now I have more time to worry about it, more time to be scared over probably nothing, and more time to have anxiety up the ass. Who can I tell this to? no one cus they will simply tell me that I am ok and am fine, fuck that.
I am tired of being made out to be the bad person with some friends of mine. Theses two seem to think I am self absorded or something. That hurts.........its like they don't even know who James is, its like James is some stranger to them that they barely see.
One of them hurts more than the other because they are sapose to be my best friend. It just seems like that isn't the case anymore, that she is more than fine allowing our friendship to die out. When I wanted to fight for it and change it for the better it was like she could give two shits less. Dose she care that telling me that I would be more interested in making mac and cheese than her problems hurt? I have no clue, why would I bother to ask about her or be interested in fixing things if I was more interesting in mac and cheese? Dose she care that her guy telling me how self absorbed I am to her and her whole family was hurtful. I made a mistake and there was no way of un emailing something. Why couldn't they have said watch what you say or something. I have done so many things for her and would that are totally selfless. To be called self absorbed by her or any friend is a slap in the face. It is like they are saying we don't know you and any attempts you have ever made or are making just don't matter for shit.
This goes for the other person saying im egotisical and self absorbed. I have been tested by this guy for months now, just tested to see if I would bother sticking around. I put up with it, I tried to help him in everyway I could, why? Not because I was thinking of myself and all about me but because I thought hey this guy needs a friend. I have thought only of him and his fucking needs and his safety ever since I met him and he has the nerve to say that shit.......
I am tired of being called horrible names by both of them. Espesally when I have thought only of them and only of what they needed. I do my best to give them what they need to but all that seems like it dosn't mean a thing to either one.
I am not a self absorbed person. I think of others before myself almost always. I try to help out wherever I can with whomever I can. I am not all high and mighty that I think I am the shit. I have very bad problems with being humble. Half the time I don't even thing I am any help to anyone or that what I do just dosn't really matter. I don't sit around thinking I am the shit and I know everything. I don't know everything, I am not the best person in the whole world, I am just me. If I suck then I do, if I am awsome then I am. I can only ever be me.