So I know I promised....
Ok, I'm sorry for sounding like the most depressed man in America, but it's really not that bad. Things just keep piling up and I seem to only really post on the bad days. I don't get it but that's just the way it is pretty much. So today's joy is how I can't seem to get my heart to stop racing and I can't get much right at work. I'm not sure why but everything I do is just not the right thing. It's getting very aggravating and I want it to stop just so I can feel worth more than the mashed fish under my shoes.
My job search is not coming along at all and I really wish that people would get back to me sooner than next month about my applications. I'm getting a lot of help on that too and I think it kinda makes things worse in it's own way. I'm still not getting anything done on my own and it's really disheartening when all I want is to get my life under control. I always seem to need help from everyone to get my life underway. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I really wish that I would be able to get something accomplished that my girlfriend would be proud of. I applied to a bunch of banks on my own and nothing came of that, although that was most likely due to a less than exemplary formatted resume that drove them away. I've also applied to a few other places that should have at least said no thanks, and I've even applied to a hospital (Winchester) and they had a whole page of open positions and they don't feel they can use me apparently. I'm running out of hope here to get something that will allow me to support myself in any meaningful way.
In my personal life I'm getting annoyed too because even when I take a day off to relax alone and get a few friends over, that seems to be the wrong way to go also. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong here. It's not anyone's fault but my own, because after all this time I should know what I'm supposed to be doing and what not to do, but I've made a huge effort to suppress what I used to do that was disliked by others and it's still not quite right. Oh well. I'm sure eventually I'll get it right.
On the stress levels, that's going nowhere but up. As I keep getting less and less money from my job that was supposed to be the end all solution to my monetary needs, I'm unsure if I'll be able to keep both my car and my apartment and I'm seriously thinking that my internet is in severe jeopardy. I'm trying my best to get things fixed, but no solutions reveal themselves through my efforts on that front. On top of that it only gets harder to keep my relationship going since we can't get out anywhere since I can't pay for even myself let alone her and she's been trying so hard to take us out and is finally admitting that it's not going to be possible to keep that up indefinitely. I just don't like it because it's not her fault and even though it's not directly attributable to me I feel it's mine.
Well, I'm thinking that familially I'm in the whole too. I can't get any time with my family because they work the odd hours and I've been trying to get in time at my gramma's house to get her chores done and help her out and I did good for two of the three days that it needed to get done, but then I reasserted old habits and had to bail out of the third day cause I hurt my back and couldn't physically accomplish anything. It's getting aggravating in the extreme. I'm starting to feel run ragged and I'm not sure how to get things back into any sort of equilibrium. I keep getting phone calls at random hours and when I'm working that I should spend more time with the family and that I should do more for them and such, but I'm still bitter about getting evicted and how much I get forgotten from everything. I realize that's not going to get better unless I fight pretty hard but I'm thinking that maybe this is for the better sometimes since I don't have to deal with their b.s. about everything I use to have to when I lived with them. I also can't stand how much I have to put into everything. I am the one that has to make all the phone calls and visits, and I have to be the one to do all the work in getting made part of the plans. It's getting really annoying and I think that it's putting me into a position that I'm really going to hate later in life.
Oh well. I have to get back to work now since I can't get my phone to work since it hates me. I also have to hope very hard that I can get something right before I have to go home for the day to get my shit cleaned up in time to see people. Maybe today will be better once it ends. My back certainly thinks so. I hope everyone including those people I don't really like are having a better day of it than I am. Apologies again on how depressing and whining this whole thing is if you actually spent the time and portion of your life necessary to read all this. (Don't call me asking for it back, I can't give it to you...) Good bye for now and maybe, just maybe I'll be able to post something happy sometime soon. Barring that I'll put something up about my decks that makes me happy. Good luck reading that one! Bye!
My job search is not coming along at all and I really wish that people would get back to me sooner than next month about my applications. I'm getting a lot of help on that too and I think it kinda makes things worse in it's own way. I'm still not getting anything done on my own and it's really disheartening when all I want is to get my life under control. I always seem to need help from everyone to get my life underway. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I really wish that I would be able to get something accomplished that my girlfriend would be proud of. I applied to a bunch of banks on my own and nothing came of that, although that was most likely due to a less than exemplary formatted resume that drove them away. I've also applied to a few other places that should have at least said no thanks, and I've even applied to a hospital (Winchester) and they had a whole page of open positions and they don't feel they can use me apparently. I'm running out of hope here to get something that will allow me to support myself in any meaningful way.
In my personal life I'm getting annoyed too because even when I take a day off to relax alone and get a few friends over, that seems to be the wrong way to go also. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong here. It's not anyone's fault but my own, because after all this time I should know what I'm supposed to be doing and what not to do, but I've made a huge effort to suppress what I used to do that was disliked by others and it's still not quite right. Oh well. I'm sure eventually I'll get it right.
On the stress levels, that's going nowhere but up. As I keep getting less and less money from my job that was supposed to be the end all solution to my monetary needs, I'm unsure if I'll be able to keep both my car and my apartment and I'm seriously thinking that my internet is in severe jeopardy. I'm trying my best to get things fixed, but no solutions reveal themselves through my efforts on that front. On top of that it only gets harder to keep my relationship going since we can't get out anywhere since I can't pay for even myself let alone her and she's been trying so hard to take us out and is finally admitting that it's not going to be possible to keep that up indefinitely. I just don't like it because it's not her fault and even though it's not directly attributable to me I feel it's mine.
Well, I'm thinking that familially I'm in the whole too. I can't get any time with my family because they work the odd hours and I've been trying to get in time at my gramma's house to get her chores done and help her out and I did good for two of the three days that it needed to get done, but then I reasserted old habits and had to bail out of the third day cause I hurt my back and couldn't physically accomplish anything. It's getting aggravating in the extreme. I'm starting to feel run ragged and I'm not sure how to get things back into any sort of equilibrium. I keep getting phone calls at random hours and when I'm working that I should spend more time with the family and that I should do more for them and such, but I'm still bitter about getting evicted and how much I get forgotten from everything. I realize that's not going to get better unless I fight pretty hard but I'm thinking that maybe this is for the better sometimes since I don't have to deal with their b.s. about everything I use to have to when I lived with them. I also can't stand how much I have to put into everything. I am the one that has to make all the phone calls and visits, and I have to be the one to do all the work in getting made part of the plans. It's getting really annoying and I think that it's putting me into a position that I'm really going to hate later in life.
Oh well. I have to get back to work now since I can't get my phone to work since it hates me. I also have to hope very hard that I can get something right before I have to go home for the day to get my shit cleaned up in time to see people. Maybe today will be better once it ends. My back certainly thinks so. I hope everyone including those people I don't really like are having a better day of it than I am. Apologies again on how depressing and whining this whole thing is if you actually spent the time and portion of your life necessary to read all this. (Don't call me asking for it back, I can't give it to you...) Good bye for now and maybe, just maybe I'll be able to post something happy sometime soon. Barring that I'll put something up about my decks that makes me happy. Good luck reading that one! Bye!