I cry cry cry, then I complain, come back for more, do it again.

[dragonladyflame]

Passive-aggressive! It's a major buzzword for our generation. No one want to be passive-aggressive, and it seems like everyone gets accused of it at some point

Comments

Morpheus

[anonymous]

IMHO, the key to passive-aggressiveness is selfishness. It's in not minding that you're hurting the other person with your passive actions. Expressing your emotions is just expressing your emotions. If your best friend accidentally ran over your dog, then it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. The best friend should be prepared for you to be sad. But the sad panda should understand that her crying will be causing her best friend to feel bad. And so, it stands to reason that you should, after an appropriate period, stop crying, even if it still hurts, because expressing your emotions in that way is just doing more harm. If you don't feel like you need to cry, don't cry. If you need to punch the guy, punch the guy, but if you don't don't. The key to all of this is selfishness, trust, loyalty, love.

Example 2. Your friends decide, despite you, to go see the 1 movie that you don't want to see. You decide that it's better to stay home. Why? Did you not want to see the movie because it doesn't look very good? Do you feel rejection? Let's say you do feel rejection. Did you try to convey that even though they picked the wrong movie, you are still friends, you trust and wish them well? If so, did you mean it? Or, did your tone, hesitation, etc convey that you feel hurt? If you were them, would you feel guilty? How do you feel about that? Can you do more to make them feel better? Underneath it all, it is the intent that is important. It is always the intent that is really important.

And I have heard it said that intent implies conscious consideration, or even an internal awareness, but it does not. Almost everyone rationalizes their entire lives to themselves morally, and people generally believe fanatically that they are doing the right thing, and so they would never want to hurt their friends. Well, that's just not true. What you don't understand about yourself will make you passive aggressive. All it requires is some small tinge of spite and an unwillingness to confront the topic.

And I certainly do think that people can and will imagine passive-aggressiveness in a person. The mechanic is identical to imagining that someone is being vindictive, but easier to confront a person with, because passive-aggressiveness doesn't imply quite the same level of conscious thought on the part of the accused.

I have 1 more thing to say about the more statistical aspect of this discussion. Loss of love is an extremely potent punishment, used by parents and spouses - you know what, I'll say it - especially wives all over this world to get people to do things. It does not take long for someone to understand when they have emotional power over another person and/or people in general, and you can't blame anyone for using that for their own ends, unless of course you can. But I believe that that is a big difference between unconditional love and conditional love. One fosters trust and strength, and the other fosters fear and weakness. The problem with passive aggressiveness, and all aggressiveness, is that it opens up a rift that tears love apart. There is a danger there. Anyways, oh well. I'll have to make my point later.

Morpheus

[dragonladyflame]

I agree with most of what you said. Except that I don't think the solution is to blame the person with the inconvenient feelings, or to blame the person with "the power" just because they have the power. Half the time the latter case doesn't even realize it.

And frankly, I don't think wives are more likely to "use" the threat of loss of love. I think husbands are at least as likely. I further think you're biased because you're male, and don't see what you do yourself nearly as clearly as what's done to you. Because that's not a threat anyone I've ever met used consciously. It's always unspoken, always a silent part of the relationship's dynamic. And it's easy to see it coming up in your own fears, but not to realize just how much it comes up in the other's, and not to realize just how much they don't intend to cause it in you.