Comments | dragonladyflame: I cry cry cry, then I complain, come back for more, do it again.

dragonladyflame

I cry cry cry, then I complain, come back for more, do it again.

Feb 10, 2006 00:44

Passive-aggressive! It's a major buzzword for our generation. No one want to be passive-aggressive, and it seems like everyone gets accused of it at some point ( Read more... )

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notemily February 10 2006, 05:29:45 UTC

when I think of passive-aggressiveness, I think of people indirectly expressing their frustration/anger/upsetness with someone instead of directly confronting them about it. I hate it when someone is upset with something I've done, but instead of saying "I wish you wouldn't do this," in which case we could actually have a discussion, they make snide comments that do nothing but piss me off--or worse, say nothing at all about it, but *act* upset around me. then I am forced to try to guess at what's bothering them and what I should do about it. (this happens to me all the time at work, with my supervisors, which seems to me like a totally unprofessional way to act. grargh! *rage*)

I don't want to seem like I'm riding a high horse here--I have totally exhibited this kind of passive-aggressive behavior before. it's easier to act wounded, it seems, than to make the first move towards a confrontation.

dragonladyflame February 10 2006, 05:33:27 UTC

Indeed!

But on the other side of the coin ....

When I was younger, I used to be so proud about how willing I was to directly confront people who upset me. After a while of that, I started to realize that just talking to someone doesn't actually automatically fix the problem -- and some problems really are nigh-unfixable.

Now I feel like it's better to repress how you feel, and maybe end up acting a little bit passive-aggressive, than to cause a blowup that could end up doing an untold amount of direct emotional harm to all concerned, to no gain.

dragonladyflame February 10 2006, 05:41:09 UTC

Sometimes better to repress! Not always better. Sometimes better.

notemily February 10 2006, 05:58:43 UTC

hmm, I guess I think the best way to do things (not that I always do things this way, because I often suck) is to try to express, calmly and rationally (I feel like "confront" has negative, angry connotations here) when something is bothering you and why. it's then up to the other person whether to change their behavior or not, and then it's up to you to figure out what to do if they don't change. maybe you can live with it, maybe you can't and you need to try something else, but I feel like it's usually a good idea to first try and tell the person why you're bothered ( ... )

dragonladyflame February 12 2006, 08:38:18 UTC

VVhy thank you. I appreciate that.

I agree that how the husband might bring it up would make a difference. Sometimes it's almost impossible to bring something like that up at all without causing a fight, though.

I think at least as much of the problem here is people not giving other people the benefit of the doubt! It's bad to be passive-aggressive, but it's also bad to jump on someone when they're trying desperately to be straightforward!

agnoster February 10 2006, 05:35:13 UTC

*nod* I agree with the assesment of PA.

it's easier to act wounded, it seems, than to make the first move towards a confrontation.

But you can air your feelings without being confrontational, I think. If you're both co-operating to promote peace and harmony, I don't think that the positions need to be seen as opposing sides: in some sense, we are always on the same team.

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