well we were maybe going to go out to a show tonight but when i asked dude yesterday if he wanted to
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well we were maybe going to go out to a show tonight but when i asked dude yesterday if he wanted to and said it was totally up to him i’d do whatever, he was noncommittal, and i’ve done the dishes and defrosted the prep stuff for dinner but he’s still napping, so I’m going to assume he’s not interested in going to this show, and go do my exercise bike / spanish practice.
i’m spicing it up by drinking mezcal, because i poured myself some to go with the dishes.
(i am doing a thought exercise where if he wants something he has to ask for it. when we first started dating in 2002 he said ‘i don’t do passive-aggressive hint bullshit so if you want something you have to ask for it’, so i have tied myself in knots to try to ask for things, including actually asking him to marry me, and he mostly says no to stuff [like that, boy that stung], so that’s really hard for me, and fairly recently i was reflecting and honestly if he wants something i’m almost always left to my own devices to figure it out, and most of the decisions in the household wind up weirdly being my call, and i have to do a *lot* of guessing what he wants, so i pointed that out and it didn’t go over great, but i’m sticking to my guns. these are mostly minor concerns, but it remains somewhat annoying. i have, by the way, told him about this thought exercise, because he ‘doesn’t do passive aggressive hint bullshit’, and he still doesn’t seem to have really caught on to the whole deal even though i laid it out for him, so. we might go to mexico in june, but only if he actually wants to, and admits as much. Bro I have anhedonia, have had for years now I honestly don’t give a fuck whether anything happens, we could go to mexico or you could punch me in the face and i’d probably feel approximately the same kind of way about either option because nothing feels like anything and I’m trying to live my life despite that, and it exhausts me down to the bone to be called upon to muster all of the enthusiasm for every decision.)
so anyway. mezcal and weird 70s bbc telenovelas, here i come; i abandon all further worry about the course of this evening.
well we were maybe going to go out to a show tonight but when i asked dude yesterday if he wanted to and said it was totally up to him i’d do whatever, he was noncommittal, and i’ve done the dishes and defrosted the prep stuff for dinner but he’s still napping, so I’m going to assume he’s not interested in going to this show, and go do my exercise bike / spanish practice.
i’m spicing it up by drinking mezcal, because i poured myself some to go with the dishes.
(i am doing a thought exercise where if he wants something he has to ask for it. when we first started dating in 2002 he said ‘i don’t do passive-aggressive hint bullshit so if you want something you have to ask for it’, so i have tied myself in knots to try to ask for things, including actually asking him to marry me, and he mostly says no to stuff [like that, boy that stung], so that’s really hard for me, and fairly recently i was reflecting and honestly if he wants something i’m almost always left to my own devices to figure it out, and most of the decisions in the household wind up weirdly being my call, and i have to do a *lot* of guessing what he wants, so i pointed that out and it didn’t go over great, but i’m sticking to my guns. these are mostly minor concerns, but it remains somewhat annoying. i have, by the way, told him about this thought exercise, because he ‘doesn’t do passive aggressive hint bullshit’, and he still doesn’t seem to have really caught on to the whole deal even though i laid it out for him, so. we might go to mexico in june, but only if he actually wants to, and admits as much. Bro I have anhedonia, have had for years now I honestly don’t give a fuck whether anything happens, we could go to mexico or you could punch me in the face and i’d probably feel approximately the same kind of way about either option because nothing feels like anything and I’m trying to live my life despite that, and it exhausts me down to the bone to be called upon to muster all of the enthusiasm for every decision.)
so anyway. mezcal and weird 70s bbc telenovelas, here i come; i abandon all further worry about the course of this evening.