too much
im feeling burdened with too much to carry. i dont know if im going to be able to deal. every time i start going through it, more gets sacked on top. i was kicked out of my house today, but not really. i think my mother likes to say these things that she really dosent mean either just to hurt my feelings or...just to hurt my feelings. ive read the journal entries of other people and i see that they are going through a time that is close to my own, if its only emotionally. i dont know if it makes me feel better to see that imnot the only one who feels lost in open, stormy water. lets see, no car, no job, crazy mother, cloudy future, dead social life, i feel lost and i feel like an asshole all of the time.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???
i was just relishing im the fact that i had so much time to do all of the things that i had always wanted to do with my time. but i can never find myself doing them. i think this is because most of them have to do with redilly available transportation, but not all. i just dont find the energy or motivation. im either aviding or dealing with my dysfunctional family or desperatly trying to find a way out of the house and away from them. this usualy entails doing something that the driver wants to do, which is never something that is on my list. there is only so much drawing , painting, and reading that a person can do while stuck deep within the bowels of depression. most of the things ive wanted to do are creative, and my depression has sucked the inspiration out of me. i haven felt like doing any of it, not even reading tarot cards intersts me. in fact, if anyone ever asks me i try anything to get away from it. i think its because it takes so much out of me and any time i get them out or start reading with any kind of frequency, at leas five people get in line for their reading. every time a person getts into a spot or is upset its..oh youve GOT to read my cards. i dont nessissarily blame them, but its exausting.
can you feel my negativity through this plain text. i feel like im walking around with a thunder cloud over my head. if one more thing popps up in the next twenty four hours, i dont think i could handel it.
went out yesterday with ndog's grandparents that he hasnt seen in like five years. it was on our one year anniversary, and it was just terrible timing. i didnt really want to go (i dont dig the boyfriends family stuff), but i had to , especially because of the timing. stuck all day with show tunes and a family that just confused and annoyed me. dealing with your own family is bad enough, but a family of strangers that you want to liek you is worse. it wouldnt have been that bad if i didnt care what these people thought about me. buti did, unfortunatly. so i was tense and smiling and playing the game....hi grandma, im the girlfriend. see, dont i seem nice and pretty? you approve dont you...yes, you bought it just fine. even though you didnbt ask me one direct question all day and my boyfiend didnt feel like making any formal introduction or reference...hi grandma, this is my girlfriend. she goes to college, she is an artist, she likes animals, she really gets turnes on when i do this-whatever. no, nothing. not one peep. if im supposed to sit here and look pretty and play nice the least i could have gotten was a little fucking introduction. a little interest except being there as a freaking mother fucking living trophy. yeah, i was pissed. this coupled with the fact that i seamed to be the only one who ahd an opinion about anything. maybe its because im a jew, i dont know. my family is very outspoken and opinionated, not to mention friendly, curios and open. being with them was like stepping into the twilight zone. we were definatly not in kansas any more. plus, because of the terrible timeing, im sitting there thinking about the possibility of inheriting this family through the terriblr process of marriage. that was frightening. sitting all day, in the rain, with the show tunes, with the silent boyfriend, thinking about babys and will he be a good father, and will he support me and how long can i stand to be with this guy and thank god abbortion is still legal. let me tell you, i had no bussiness thinking like this and i rarly do. it was enough, on top of my life situation and my crazy mother. it was all i could do not to jump out of my chair screaming -hell no you pinko rat bastards, youll never catch me, i will not be condemed to the trailer park, good bye. thank god i have something close to self control.
ndog and i are going out tommarow to celebrate our anniversary. i do love him desperatly, and im glad he dosent know about the neurotic thoughts of yesterdays mindset. i refuse to think that far ahead. if i did, i dont think i would go out with anyone and be happy. i dont know anyone, including myself, who is ready for that sort of thing. i take that back, i do know a few and they are the ones who have found someone and are starting that part of their lives with each other. and damn it do they make me nervous. its the if-they-can-do-it-why-cant-i syndrome that getts me. they are the ones that usually make me look at my life on those terms, and it always fails. does that mean i need to scrap this and try something else? or does it mean that im not ready yet, and i dont need to worry. i keep ever hopefull that the future will work out. that i will have a carrer that fuffills me, a partner that loves me, kids that are well ajusted and lots of pets in a house that i own. not a single mom sweating it out in a trailer with two screaming brats that hate me who have a drunk father who never sees them. im so scared of that future, time to put away the eight ball.
immjust one of those kids who grew up on too much tv. wanting to grow up to be indiana jones, or red sonya, the last star fighter or even setteling for luke skywalker. people who got to do amazing things and had a purpose.thinking that when i grew up i would do amazing things. i turned out to be pretty ordinary,leading a dull life in a small town that no one is going to sing songs about. i didnt even get any special powers. a little girl who would sit by a tree and wish with all her might for a unicorn to find her and take her away. im still waiting and wishing.
shard
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???
i was just relishing im the fact that i had so much time to do all of the things that i had always wanted to do with my time. but i can never find myself doing them. i think this is because most of them have to do with redilly available transportation, but not all. i just dont find the energy or motivation. im either aviding or dealing with my dysfunctional family or desperatly trying to find a way out of the house and away from them. this usualy entails doing something that the driver wants to do, which is never something that is on my list. there is only so much drawing , painting, and reading that a person can do while stuck deep within the bowels of depression. most of the things ive wanted to do are creative, and my depression has sucked the inspiration out of me. i haven felt like doing any of it, not even reading tarot cards intersts me. in fact, if anyone ever asks me i try anything to get away from it. i think its because it takes so much out of me and any time i get them out or start reading with any kind of frequency, at leas five people get in line for their reading. every time a person getts into a spot or is upset its..oh youve GOT to read my cards. i dont nessissarily blame them, but its exausting.
can you feel my negativity through this plain text. i feel like im walking around with a thunder cloud over my head. if one more thing popps up in the next twenty four hours, i dont think i could handel it.
went out yesterday with ndog's grandparents that he hasnt seen in like five years. it was on our one year anniversary, and it was just terrible timing. i didnt really want to go (i dont dig the boyfriends family stuff), but i had to , especially because of the timing. stuck all day with show tunes and a family that just confused and annoyed me. dealing with your own family is bad enough, but a family of strangers that you want to liek you is worse. it wouldnt have been that bad if i didnt care what these people thought about me. buti did, unfortunatly. so i was tense and smiling and playing the game....hi grandma, im the girlfriend. see, dont i seem nice and pretty? you approve dont you...yes, you bought it just fine. even though you didnbt ask me one direct question all day and my boyfiend didnt feel like making any formal introduction or reference...hi grandma, this is my girlfriend. she goes to college, she is an artist, she likes animals, she really gets turnes on when i do this-whatever. no, nothing. not one peep. if im supposed to sit here and look pretty and play nice the least i could have gotten was a little fucking introduction. a little interest except being there as a freaking mother fucking living trophy. yeah, i was pissed. this coupled with the fact that i seamed to be the only one who ahd an opinion about anything. maybe its because im a jew, i dont know. my family is very outspoken and opinionated, not to mention friendly, curios and open. being with them was like stepping into the twilight zone. we were definatly not in kansas any more. plus, because of the terrible timeing, im sitting there thinking about the possibility of inheriting this family through the terriblr process of marriage. that was frightening. sitting all day, in the rain, with the show tunes, with the silent boyfriend, thinking about babys and will he be a good father, and will he support me and how long can i stand to be with this guy and thank god abbortion is still legal. let me tell you, i had no bussiness thinking like this and i rarly do. it was enough, on top of my life situation and my crazy mother. it was all i could do not to jump out of my chair screaming -hell no you pinko rat bastards, youll never catch me, i will not be condemed to the trailer park, good bye. thank god i have something close to self control.
ndog and i are going out tommarow to celebrate our anniversary. i do love him desperatly, and im glad he dosent know about the neurotic thoughts of yesterdays mindset. i refuse to think that far ahead. if i did, i dont think i would go out with anyone and be happy. i dont know anyone, including myself, who is ready for that sort of thing. i take that back, i do know a few and they are the ones who have found someone and are starting that part of their lives with each other. and damn it do they make me nervous. its the if-they-can-do-it-why-cant-i syndrome that getts me. they are the ones that usually make me look at my life on those terms, and it always fails. does that mean i need to scrap this and try something else? or does it mean that im not ready yet, and i dont need to worry. i keep ever hopefull that the future will work out. that i will have a carrer that fuffills me, a partner that loves me, kids that are well ajusted and lots of pets in a house that i own. not a single mom sweating it out in a trailer with two screaming brats that hate me who have a drunk father who never sees them. im so scared of that future, time to put away the eight ball.
immjust one of those kids who grew up on too much tv. wanting to grow up to be indiana jones, or red sonya, the last star fighter or even setteling for luke skywalker. people who got to do amazing things and had a purpose.thinking that when i grew up i would do amazing things. i turned out to be pretty ordinary,leading a dull life in a small town that no one is going to sing songs about. i didnt even get any special powers. a little girl who would sit by a tree and wish with all her might for a unicorn to find her and take her away. im still waiting and wishing.
shard