new poem, whats up?
Life is progressing nicley.
I love my new apartment and I am finding that the seclusion that the lake offers is really nice. I dont really have to worry about any intrusions into my space or stopping by, even though they still do. There is just something nice about tranquility, that you dont really get unless you live in your own place. The nice part about living with Ndog, besides the obvious lovey stuff, is that he is quiet and unobtrusive. So I can do my own thing and he wont mess with me. Its so different than what living with my family is like. They are always crazy and loud and in your face, the bathroom door cant even give a person some privacy. I love them desperatley, but I think that each day that I dont live in my mothers house improves our relathionship. I call my mom to chat. This is amazing to me, this was the woman that I worked my schedule to avoid at all costs, and now I call her to talk and arrange times to hang out...woa. But, its cool, being on good terms with her is very important to me and damn it, Im old enough!
My grandparents are the last hurdle to having positive independance. I still get looks and grumbles from them....that "your living with your boyfriend," glower.grrrr
The seemingly instantaneous seaseing of calls and invitations to go out shopping and the refusal to bring over bagels to my mothers house for me because she "dosent want to encourage me..." Does that make any sense to you? It makes sense becasue it isnt an unusual reaction, but rationally, outside of societies context, this dosent make any sense to me. I was like, "grandma, Im not getting married and Im on the pill, so dont worry about it." This didnt help...in too young im too young, whatever. This coming froma woman who was married with two kids by the time she was my age. And I know, that is why shes freakin because she dosent want me to go through the same mistakes that she did, yadda yadda, but Im on the pill for fucks sake. My future is a little blue pill and its frightening.
and I wonder why its hard for me to....allot of the time I have to try so hard to keep the words and fears of all of the women before me out of my head. Sometimes its hard to keep from jumping right off right then and there and screaming "IM NOT GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE BY ENJOYING THIS!!!!!" Maybe its because I developed early and men were dangerous and boys were mean, or maybe its becase I never saw anyone kiss untill cable, or maybe its because the first time I dressed up for a boy I was attacked by his older brother, or maybe its because my mother got pregnant and abandoned and I knew the shame my family felt about it when I was too young to know what it meant to be a woman, or maybe Im just too cold.
whatever it is, Im going to be gettin to the bottom of the whole damn mess.
There will be a sexual revolution in my bed and he wont know what hit him, by god.
But, living on my own is helping to solidify my own identity and reality like never before. I didnt realize the pressure that I put on myself to be perfect for them. Its kiling my passion, my experimentation. Its killing my fun.
So now, now that chicken little it begining to understand that the sky is not going to fall on her the moment she steps out of line, perhaps she will get a little dangerous, a little naughty and little dirty and totally wild.
"....you can be marsha grahm, marsha grahm,...madonna, madonna,..but you gotta keep it all inside."- robin williams, bird cage.
This is the story of my life right now.
My eyes are bamboo feilds, their leaves turning,
Your eyes are deep within the liquid earth,
When I look at you I feel your eyes turn me naked, I feel cornercat into a wall,
When I want with your soul and when I touch your hands, I feel that I touch you,
And your hands tell me the truth of your mouth and I know you without your words,
Your words scatter you to the four winds, dont force the speech of foriegn gods,
Touch with the god that speaks with your hands and whipers his love in my heart,
And trust with you in the trust of a babe and without oaths that need faith
Beleif in you that sings with truth when you have never spoken them,
And my blood is in the earth and my blood is in her heat,
My fear is not the fear of you that I know is gentle,
My fear is a dutiful master and I am a good soldier, and I can not get it to STOP,
When I want to fly, I chain me down and put it off till next summer,
Abandoning my fear leaves me wide open when my fear never lets me go out,
I love you with all the power my fear will let me have in one man,
And still I leave the backdoor open in case I am a fool,
Still foolish love will win the fight of glory in your bed,
And wisdom says to love despite the fear that cools your heart stonewhite,
Wish to be free and freedom sings with yearning against my towering mind,
And my souls will say to love and let the heat inside,
When all around my heart and blood is deep inside the liquid earht and
Bamboo feilds sway inside the free winds adn
Foriegn gods will flee from the god that is in our hand
With phoneix fire I live to be free of the bondage in my head.
I love my new apartment and I am finding that the seclusion that the lake offers is really nice. I dont really have to worry about any intrusions into my space or stopping by, even though they still do. There is just something nice about tranquility, that you dont really get unless you live in your own place. The nice part about living with Ndog, besides the obvious lovey stuff, is that he is quiet and unobtrusive. So I can do my own thing and he wont mess with me. Its so different than what living with my family is like. They are always crazy and loud and in your face, the bathroom door cant even give a person some privacy. I love them desperatley, but I think that each day that I dont live in my mothers house improves our relathionship. I call my mom to chat. This is amazing to me, this was the woman that I worked my schedule to avoid at all costs, and now I call her to talk and arrange times to hang out...woa. But, its cool, being on good terms with her is very important to me and damn it, Im old enough!
My grandparents are the last hurdle to having positive independance. I still get looks and grumbles from them....that "your living with your boyfriend," glower.grrrr
The seemingly instantaneous seaseing of calls and invitations to go out shopping and the refusal to bring over bagels to my mothers house for me because she "dosent want to encourage me..." Does that make any sense to you? It makes sense becasue it isnt an unusual reaction, but rationally, outside of societies context, this dosent make any sense to me. I was like, "grandma, Im not getting married and Im on the pill, so dont worry about it." This didnt help...in too young im too young, whatever. This coming froma woman who was married with two kids by the time she was my age. And I know, that is why shes freakin because she dosent want me to go through the same mistakes that she did, yadda yadda, but Im on the pill for fucks sake. My future is a little blue pill and its frightening.
and I wonder why its hard for me to....allot of the time I have to try so hard to keep the words and fears of all of the women before me out of my head. Sometimes its hard to keep from jumping right off right then and there and screaming "IM NOT GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE BY ENJOYING THIS!!!!!" Maybe its because I developed early and men were dangerous and boys were mean, or maybe its becase I never saw anyone kiss untill cable, or maybe its because the first time I dressed up for a boy I was attacked by his older brother, or maybe its because my mother got pregnant and abandoned and I knew the shame my family felt about it when I was too young to know what it meant to be a woman, or maybe Im just too cold.
whatever it is, Im going to be gettin to the bottom of the whole damn mess.
There will be a sexual revolution in my bed and he wont know what hit him, by god.
But, living on my own is helping to solidify my own identity and reality like never before. I didnt realize the pressure that I put on myself to be perfect for them. Its kiling my passion, my experimentation. Its killing my fun.
So now, now that chicken little it begining to understand that the sky is not going to fall on her the moment she steps out of line, perhaps she will get a little dangerous, a little naughty and little dirty and totally wild.
"....you can be marsha grahm, marsha grahm,...madonna, madonna,..but you gotta keep it all inside."- robin williams, bird cage.
This is the story of my life right now.
My eyes are bamboo feilds, their leaves turning,
Your eyes are deep within the liquid earth,
When I look at you I feel your eyes turn me naked, I feel cornercat into a wall,
When I want with your soul and when I touch your hands, I feel that I touch you,
And your hands tell me the truth of your mouth and I know you without your words,
Your words scatter you to the four winds, dont force the speech of foriegn gods,
Touch with the god that speaks with your hands and whipers his love in my heart,
And trust with you in the trust of a babe and without oaths that need faith
Beleif in you that sings with truth when you have never spoken them,
And my blood is in the earth and my blood is in her heat,
My fear is not the fear of you that I know is gentle,
My fear is a dutiful master and I am a good soldier, and I can not get it to STOP,
When I want to fly, I chain me down and put it off till next summer,
Abandoning my fear leaves me wide open when my fear never lets me go out,
I love you with all the power my fear will let me have in one man,
And still I leave the backdoor open in case I am a fool,
Still foolish love will win the fight of glory in your bed,
And wisdom says to love despite the fear that cools your heart stonewhite,
Wish to be free and freedom sings with yearning against my towering mind,
And my souls will say to love and let the heat inside,
When all around my heart and blood is deep inside the liquid earht and
Bamboo feilds sway inside the free winds adn
Foriegn gods will flee from the god that is in our hand
With phoneix fire I live to be free of the bondage in my head.