My Break-up Blog
Since there are very few people on here that I know, and even less who will care, this is a perfect place for me to emotionally purge.
I had an amazing girlfriend. Just writing the sentence hurts. But that is the tense I have to use. Past tense. It's insane to me how badly on man can screw things up, and how close to impossible the situation can seem to reverse. I have faith though. The always dangerous faith. The kind of faith that makes people blow themselves to smithereens for 17 virgins.
She has the most amazing smile. It is infectious. The kind of thing that makes you want to get up in the morning. Smooth pale skin. Beautiful wavy brown hair she likes to keep straight. Her eyes are the deepest green of the ocean. Like looking into a blanket of emeralds of which the sun is behind. She is kind and thoughtful. Whenever I asked her for a favor, something simple, like a box of nutty bars (my favorite) she always came though. She trusted me unconditionally, and loved me for who I was, and nothing more.
Of course when things are at their best, the worst comes along. First another woman. I broke up with her to see this other woman, and immediately I recognized the mistake I was making. She took me back. She wanted me back. She needed me back. She knew I was a great man.
A few months went by, some of the best. Spontaneous romantic trips (within budget constrictions), nights cuddling and talking. Romance. Just after we decided to move in together I lost my job. I fell into a pit of depression. During which I was pushing her away. Denying her feelings. And mine.
One day I come home to her steaming pissed. You ever talked with someone privately on facebook and had a conversation you thought would never bite you on the ass. Yea, I did that. I told some other girl how she was beautiful and that she could have any man, and flirted a bit. Summer went to use my computer and found out. She was destroyed. The very fabric of our trust had once again been shattered. Did I realize the gravity of the situation? No. Of course not. I was dealing with my own rage, my own depression. And so the pushing away continued.
In the beginning of August I found a new job, and my spirits immediately rose. Through this time, she had to come up with the money for the apartment that we had, financially stretching her. Not something girls like to do. I started trying again. Not as hard as I should or could have had. Trying nonetheless. But it may have been too late. I didn't realize all of it until 2 weeks or so ago her actions started changing. There weren't any more I love you messages. There weren't the babes, or huns, or sweeties. There was just repressed kindness. the kind you reserve for an acquaintanceship. A conversation came up, I don't even remember how, but of marriage. There I found out she couldn't see a good future with me. It snowballed over the next few days I finally realized just how bad of a situation I was in.I panicked.
Last Saturday she told me she was going out with a few friends. By this time she had already told me that the only reason she was still with me was because she was afraid she would regret it in a week. I told her it was fine. To have her space and her fun. She mentioned staying at a girlfriends house, so I went to my late night job an hope for a miracle.
I got the most horrible feeling at about 1:45 that night. I didn't try to get in contact with her, but I wanted to rush home anyway, since no news is good news. (At this time I didn't have a phone, just facebook messenger.) I came home to find her here. Worried something bad may have happened I go into what used to be our room and found her passed out, holding her phone. I grab her phone, place it on the charger, and nudge her. She slurrs to me something incoherrent an I ask her how her night went. "Fine". Did you have fun? "Yep." Jokingly, I asked if any guys flirted with her. 'Have you been through my phone?" Nope, but now I am going to. I slipped out of the room, grabbed it and invaded her privacy. Inside I found texts to a guy named Robb. Flirty texts, about what kind of guy she likes, and how she wants a man and doesn't like boys. How he fit her physical likes. Then the question from her to him about if she can speak bluntly, which is when I'm guessing she fell asleep with her phone. There was also another text to a girlfriend about how she needed her to step away because she was "Messing up her game".
I was devastated. Then she came out and found me with the phone. The phone that had no pictures of me left in it. No texts from me left in it. All erased, a purge of a time when I was better than I was now. Much better.
I don't blame her for seeking him out. I pushed her into insignificance and am responsible for her need for romantic affection. So, panicked and scared, I went all out. Flowers. Cute messages. Breakfast in bed. Too little too late, Jojo told me. She ended it that morning. No matter of begging, no matter of pleading could change what I had done or who I had become to her. The man who did Valentine's day and the trips was gone to her. All that was left was bitterness an distrust. She told me she still loved me, but she wasn't in love with me. I asked if she thought she would regret this still, and she told me yes. I told her I still had hope. She said if I had hope it was from myself, not because of her. Not to expect anything.
There are few things worse than seeing someone in the next room you just want to hold, and not being able to.
Later that afternoon, she had to leave for work. I was moving a mattress into the spare room and stopped, watching half of my soul start to walk out the door. Then something unexpected happened. She stopped and turned, told me she was off to work and bye. I told her to have a nice day. Odd.
So I head off to work. No sleep, not emotionally stable, not yet having cried. Before work I had spoken to a few friends. The customary apologies and such, nothing unexpected. I went into work, spent 2 hours there before realizing I was in no position what so ever to be working. I asked my manager if I could go home early, explained the situation and thankfully he responded positively to my request. As I was doing my closing work I sat at the bar and had a beer. next to me was an ex-bartender lady who sat down and talked to me, giving me some much needed advice. Not just apologies and pity, but real talking. The kind where her hindsight helps your foresight.
I came home. Determined, but heartbroken. I told myself that if she needed space and time from me, then that is what I would give her. I left before she came home, went ot my second job and picked up a shift. I tried not to sulk the night away, thankful for the banter than drunk patrons and other provide.
As I came home, I dreaded walking in the door, knowing the less than restful night of sleep there would be. I opened my room door to find a bag full of taco bell on my bed.
I don't know much about a lot of things. I know why the earth spins around the sun. I know why the seasons change. I know how to make a badass bahama mama. But the bag full of dorito taco deliciousness was a complete puzzle to me. I examined it the way that the bomb squad would examine a bomb. I was flabbergasted. I still don't know exactly what to think. So I took the initiative and made her lunch, which she thanked me for, a bit of polite conversation and back out the door for her afternoon college class.
What do you think LJ world. Lay it on me.
I had an amazing girlfriend. Just writing the sentence hurts. But that is the tense I have to use. Past tense. It's insane to me how badly on man can screw things up, and how close to impossible the situation can seem to reverse. I have faith though. The always dangerous faith. The kind of faith that makes people blow themselves to smithereens for 17 virgins.
She has the most amazing smile. It is infectious. The kind of thing that makes you want to get up in the morning. Smooth pale skin. Beautiful wavy brown hair she likes to keep straight. Her eyes are the deepest green of the ocean. Like looking into a blanket of emeralds of which the sun is behind. She is kind and thoughtful. Whenever I asked her for a favor, something simple, like a box of nutty bars (my favorite) she always came though. She trusted me unconditionally, and loved me for who I was, and nothing more.
Of course when things are at their best, the worst comes along. First another woman. I broke up with her to see this other woman, and immediately I recognized the mistake I was making. She took me back. She wanted me back. She needed me back. She knew I was a great man.
A few months went by, some of the best. Spontaneous romantic trips (within budget constrictions), nights cuddling and talking. Romance. Just after we decided to move in together I lost my job. I fell into a pit of depression. During which I was pushing her away. Denying her feelings. And mine.
One day I come home to her steaming pissed. You ever talked with someone privately on facebook and had a conversation you thought would never bite you on the ass. Yea, I did that. I told some other girl how she was beautiful and that she could have any man, and flirted a bit. Summer went to use my computer and found out. She was destroyed. The very fabric of our trust had once again been shattered. Did I realize the gravity of the situation? No. Of course not. I was dealing with my own rage, my own depression. And so the pushing away continued.
In the beginning of August I found a new job, and my spirits immediately rose. Through this time, she had to come up with the money for the apartment that we had, financially stretching her. Not something girls like to do. I started trying again. Not as hard as I should or could have had. Trying nonetheless. But it may have been too late. I didn't realize all of it until 2 weeks or so ago her actions started changing. There weren't any more I love you messages. There weren't the babes, or huns, or sweeties. There was just repressed kindness. the kind you reserve for an acquaintanceship. A conversation came up, I don't even remember how, but of marriage. There I found out she couldn't see a good future with me. It snowballed over the next few days I finally realized just how bad of a situation I was in.I panicked.
Last Saturday she told me she was going out with a few friends. By this time she had already told me that the only reason she was still with me was because she was afraid she would regret it in a week. I told her it was fine. To have her space and her fun. She mentioned staying at a girlfriends house, so I went to my late night job an hope for a miracle.
I got the most horrible feeling at about 1:45 that night. I didn't try to get in contact with her, but I wanted to rush home anyway, since no news is good news. (At this time I didn't have a phone, just facebook messenger.) I came home to find her here. Worried something bad may have happened I go into what used to be our room and found her passed out, holding her phone. I grab her phone, place it on the charger, and nudge her. She slurrs to me something incoherrent an I ask her how her night went. "Fine". Did you have fun? "Yep." Jokingly, I asked if any guys flirted with her. 'Have you been through my phone?" Nope, but now I am going to. I slipped out of the room, grabbed it and invaded her privacy. Inside I found texts to a guy named Robb. Flirty texts, about what kind of guy she likes, and how she wants a man and doesn't like boys. How he fit her physical likes. Then the question from her to him about if she can speak bluntly, which is when I'm guessing she fell asleep with her phone. There was also another text to a girlfriend about how she needed her to step away because she was "Messing up her game".
I was devastated. Then she came out and found me with the phone. The phone that had no pictures of me left in it. No texts from me left in it. All erased, a purge of a time when I was better than I was now. Much better.
I don't blame her for seeking him out. I pushed her into insignificance and am responsible for her need for romantic affection. So, panicked and scared, I went all out. Flowers. Cute messages. Breakfast in bed. Too little too late, Jojo told me. She ended it that morning. No matter of begging, no matter of pleading could change what I had done or who I had become to her. The man who did Valentine's day and the trips was gone to her. All that was left was bitterness an distrust. She told me she still loved me, but she wasn't in love with me. I asked if she thought she would regret this still, and she told me yes. I told her I still had hope. She said if I had hope it was from myself, not because of her. Not to expect anything.
There are few things worse than seeing someone in the next room you just want to hold, and not being able to.
Later that afternoon, she had to leave for work. I was moving a mattress into the spare room and stopped, watching half of my soul start to walk out the door. Then something unexpected happened. She stopped and turned, told me she was off to work and bye. I told her to have a nice day. Odd.
So I head off to work. No sleep, not emotionally stable, not yet having cried. Before work I had spoken to a few friends. The customary apologies and such, nothing unexpected. I went into work, spent 2 hours there before realizing I was in no position what so ever to be working. I asked my manager if I could go home early, explained the situation and thankfully he responded positively to my request. As I was doing my closing work I sat at the bar and had a beer. next to me was an ex-bartender lady who sat down and talked to me, giving me some much needed advice. Not just apologies and pity, but real talking. The kind where her hindsight helps your foresight.
I came home. Determined, but heartbroken. I told myself that if she needed space and time from me, then that is what I would give her. I left before she came home, went ot my second job and picked up a shift. I tried not to sulk the night away, thankful for the banter than drunk patrons and other provide.
As I came home, I dreaded walking in the door, knowing the less than restful night of sleep there would be. I opened my room door to find a bag full of taco bell on my bed.
I don't know much about a lot of things. I know why the earth spins around the sun. I know why the seasons change. I know how to make a badass bahama mama. But the bag full of dorito taco deliciousness was a complete puzzle to me. I examined it the way that the bomb squad would examine a bomb. I was flabbergasted. I still don't know exactly what to think. So I took the initiative and made her lunch, which she thanked me for, a bit of polite conversation and back out the door for her afternoon college class.
What do you think LJ world. Lay it on me.