(no subject)
Today, I am happy. The past few days have been a little up and down.
Thursday, I went to see my therapist, and something that disturbed me rather alot happened. For starters, I'll explain that because it's a small facility, they lock the doors and you have to knock for somebody to let you in. I knocked, as usual, and was let in by somebody who was waiting in the waiting room. Instead of her just opening the door and leaving well enough alone, she had to make the comment that "I hope you're not a mass murderer or anything, because I don't want that on my head if I let you in". Even though it was meant to be a joke, I couldn't believe it - I had been stunned into silence. She was called back to talk to one of the therapists about her son, and I sat there, happily alone. She came back out, and then said "Well, I'm glad to see you haven't taken out this part of Oak Harbor's population yet". I couldn't believe she felt the need to just push things further like that.
What gave her the right to say that to me? Was it because I was strong enough to seek help, because I see a therapist? In a doctor's office, for example, you don't say to somebody "Well, I hope you're not here because you have AIDS, because I don't want to catch it". You don't fucking do that. After Michelle called me back, I almost said something, but I wasn't brave enough. It hurt very bad to be criticized in the one place I'm supposed to feel safest, the one place I know I won't be judged as just a psycho. Not all manic depressive people are fucking mass murderers or criminally insane. I just wonder how many other people she's said that to, how many people who aren't as far along in ther counseling as I am who would turn away from it because of how bad it feels to be labeled as crazy in a place that's meant to help you feel better.
I'm so sick of people being unsupportive of the fact that I'm conciously trying to fix what's wrong with me as best as I can, I'm tired of hearing how I shouldn't be medicated, that I'm weak for this. You don't call a person who fights against cancer weak. You call them brave. Isn't it the same thing? Am I not going to have to live with the possible recurrances if I stop working to change it? Am I not fighting a disease that almost as debilitating as cancer? Society discounts us, calls us crazy, tells us that we're faking it, that we can just think happy thoughts and all will go well, that we just want attention. God, if I could go a day without feeling this way, without taking all the mediactions that make me so tired and spaced out, all the doctor and therapist appointments, don't you think I would? Do you think I'd put myself through this if I just wanted attention, that I'd take medications I don't need or spend hours of my time that I really need for school work on those therapy appointments? I've already had two people I know commit suicide this year, what if they didn't seek help because they were labeled weak? Two lives, gone, all because of the stigma that comes with being labeled mentally ill, because nobody helped them more, because they were conditioned to hide it because of the repercussions. What if I had been more afraid than I was to ask my doctor about it? Instead of crying so hard in a doctors office while my mom rushed from her work to pick me up for a crisis intervention I'd probably be in a coffin. Am I weak for hiding it all these years and finally deciding it was enough, that I had to fix it?
Some people tell me I am strong, but I am more often than not faced with the prospect of being labeled as less than human because I was weak enough to finally let it get to me. So, which am I? Am I strong and mature, or weak and childish, deamnding attention?
Thursday, I went to see my therapist, and something that disturbed me rather alot happened. For starters, I'll explain that because it's a small facility, they lock the doors and you have to knock for somebody to let you in. I knocked, as usual, and was let in by somebody who was waiting in the waiting room. Instead of her just opening the door and leaving well enough alone, she had to make the comment that "I hope you're not a mass murderer or anything, because I don't want that on my head if I let you in". Even though it was meant to be a joke, I couldn't believe it - I had been stunned into silence. She was called back to talk to one of the therapists about her son, and I sat there, happily alone. She came back out, and then said "Well, I'm glad to see you haven't taken out this part of Oak Harbor's population yet". I couldn't believe she felt the need to just push things further like that.
What gave her the right to say that to me? Was it because I was strong enough to seek help, because I see a therapist? In a doctor's office, for example, you don't say to somebody "Well, I hope you're not here because you have AIDS, because I don't want to catch it". You don't fucking do that. After Michelle called me back, I almost said something, but I wasn't brave enough. It hurt very bad to be criticized in the one place I'm supposed to feel safest, the one place I know I won't be judged as just a psycho. Not all manic depressive people are fucking mass murderers or criminally insane. I just wonder how many other people she's said that to, how many people who aren't as far along in ther counseling as I am who would turn away from it because of how bad it feels to be labeled as crazy in a place that's meant to help you feel better.
I'm so sick of people being unsupportive of the fact that I'm conciously trying to fix what's wrong with me as best as I can, I'm tired of hearing how I shouldn't be medicated, that I'm weak for this. You don't call a person who fights against cancer weak. You call them brave. Isn't it the same thing? Am I not going to have to live with the possible recurrances if I stop working to change it? Am I not fighting a disease that almost as debilitating as cancer? Society discounts us, calls us crazy, tells us that we're faking it, that we can just think happy thoughts and all will go well, that we just want attention. God, if I could go a day without feeling this way, without taking all the mediactions that make me so tired and spaced out, all the doctor and therapist appointments, don't you think I would? Do you think I'd put myself through this if I just wanted attention, that I'd take medications I don't need or spend hours of my time that I really need for school work on those therapy appointments? I've already had two people I know commit suicide this year, what if they didn't seek help because they were labeled weak? Two lives, gone, all because of the stigma that comes with being labeled mentally ill, because nobody helped them more, because they were conditioned to hide it because of the repercussions. What if I had been more afraid than I was to ask my doctor about it? Instead of crying so hard in a doctors office while my mom rushed from her work to pick me up for a crisis intervention I'd probably be in a coffin. Am I weak for hiding it all these years and finally deciding it was enough, that I had to fix it?
Some people tell me I am strong, but I am more often than not faced with the prospect of being labeled as less than human because I was weak enough to finally let it get to me. So, which am I? Am I strong and mature, or weak and childish, deamnding attention?