My life, or something like it
Over the last year I have gotten several (mostly kind, respectful and not cranky) emails and comments asking me about my fic and where the hell (my words) I've disappeared to. I should probably put this up here somewhere, so I can kind of explain what's been going on in the life of D.
Last year was NOT a good year, for our various family members or myself. Looking back at it all now, I can say with a pretty solid surety that I was in the process of one long breakdown for most of the year. The whole lead up to the holidays prompted a very messy and very uncomfortable breakdown that effected me for a good long while. Some of it might have had to do with the birth control I was taking, since when I went off of it the worst of the - well, let's be frank it was hysteria - has seemed to have passed. I had at least four other large, if not quite to the level as what happened in December, breakdowns during the course of the year as well, which let me tell you was not fun at ALL. Especially since we couldn't really tell the rest of our families about it, for which reasons I will get to in the next paragraph.
To preface: I come from a long line of trailer park white trash. Both sides of my family were extremely poor and came from home lives that were...problematic at best and horrific at worst. My father's rise to a comfortable just above blue-collar job was lucky, for me, otherwise I might have ended up like any of my various other cousins who are now serving time in prison, rehab or are dead. A very select few were invited to my wedding because of this. I married into, while not an affluent family, but a Mexican-American family whose patriarch had done very well for himself and his various children had mostly done well for themselves as well. A few of Himself's cousins had gotten into trouble, but that number was low when you put it to the grand number of cousins he actually does have. (More than me, and that's a feat, let me tell you).
So, Himself's family has never had to deal with an inmate from prison calling, or lawyers fees, or newspaper articles about various family member's stupidity, etc and so on. This all changed last year when Himself's family pretty much imploded by one of his clan getting into a nasty court case that has shattered the aunts and uncles to various divided lines within the family and has all but destroyed Himself's mother. It was nasty. It was SO stressful. We were getting calls left and right and having to deal with family members falling to pieces over what happened (due to Himself's privacy and his family, this is about as vague as humanly possible. My kin don't damn well care about the shit we get into, but his sure do). During this, we had to sell our home and move a hundred miles away because of work transfers. My parents did not take it well, I did not take it well, since at the same time the car Himself and I bought together when we were first married also decided to bite the dust pretty much the same week we had to get out of our first home we'd bought together. Which was also right when the family drama happened.
It was a stressful first half of the year, let me tell you. Also, due to the stress, Himself started to get migraines at the drop of the hat (I'm claiming it's due to stress, but he won't admit it. I'm compiling a case in my favor tho). This freaked me right the hell out, which caused ME to stress, which due to my wonderful neurological chemicals being all out of whack, caused me to have hysterical breakdowns about once every two months. Fun times.
Right about the time when things from the first rush of the family drama started to die down into a comfortable pattern, was when my father's behavior started to change. Drastically. He has never been good with words or remembering people's name. I think there's a minor aphasia issue that he's always had, and that I have as well, to be frank. Words have never come easily to us, and we often stop and grope around for the correct word or phrasing while we're talking to people. This makes me incredibly embarrassed, to the point where I am NOT comfortable talking to people unless I know them and they understand that sometimes I'll squint at you and frown, but it's not that I'm angry or upset, it's that I'm trying to remember the word for the thing - the thing, you know? the - the - lampshade! That word, and I'm upset because I can't remember it. (no, really, it's exactly like that and SO BLOODY ANNOYING). My father has always been better with this, either because he had coping mechanisms beaten into him by a very abusing father or if his issues are just less severe than mine, I don't know. But anyway. The aphasia has always been there, and never much of a problem. Until he started forgetting things. Like, where he was going while he was driving forgetting things.
Yeah. That was fun to learn from my mom. Let me tell you.
So, about midway through last year his memory started to get pretty bad. He would get confused easily and his entire demeanor changed - he was irritable, cranky, sometimes scared and confused. He would be fine one minute and then furious the next. It was terrifying to watch and not being able to DO anything about it. It was also terrifying about what it could mean. He was tested for Alzheimer's but the results came back vague. He was tested for a few other various issues, but those results ALSO came back vague. It was one big "Welp, I dunno, if it gets worse, come back again" circus. He was told to take B vitamins and think happy thoughts. Thanks so much expensive doctors. No, really.
On top of THIS, my crazy uncle Bob is getting worse, my useless uncle K is making my aunt C absolutely miserable and they are facing a month to month crisis of whether or not they can pay their bills or feed themselves. My other aunt V is making remarks about my dead grandmother that are sending ME into seeing-red rage blackouts over facebook, and I'm thankful there that my father doesn't care enough about social media that he's not seen them (I hope not. I really, really, REALLY hope not). The holidays were on the tail end of all of this, which also coincided with the trial from Himself's family drama wrapping up to a very unfavorable result for them and. Well. Then December happened and it was miserable. And I was hysterical for a month solid. Pretty much. My very favorite time of the year and I was ready to literally kill myself because I was so stressed, unhappy and miserable. Cue breakdown of epic proportions.
So. Now. 2014. The Year of Drama has ended, but a new chapter of Shit That We Did Not Sign Up For has started. This one is closer to home, starring one of Himself's siblings and a nasty drug habit. My mother-in-law is sounding frailer and frailer on the phone. My father-in-law's health is pretty shit, too. We're watching that with a close eye, while we also are paying for various things FOR him as well. Our own finances are not the best, since we're living in a much higher cost-of-living environment, but we're making due.
So! That's where we are at the moment. Most of the Year of Drama crap has passed and it's now time to rebuild. My father's health is still one big question mark, but we JUST learned that one of his blood pressure medications that he's been on for a VERY LONG TIME causes memory loss and mental issues. JUST NOW LEARNED. THANK YOU DOCTORS. His medication has been adjusted, but we don't know how long it will take to see a change - if there's a change. My own mental health issues are...not exactly stable, but I'm learning the new rhythm and flow of it. And as for fic and fic writing? Well, it got put on the back burner for the above reasons, but I've never forgotten about it. Now I just have to see whether or not all these issues die down to the point where I CAN start taking the things I love to do to the front of my list of things to do in the evenings. We'll see.
I am so sorry for the long hiatus. I really am.
Last year was NOT a good year, for our various family members or myself. Looking back at it all now, I can say with a pretty solid surety that I was in the process of one long breakdown for most of the year. The whole lead up to the holidays prompted a very messy and very uncomfortable breakdown that effected me for a good long while. Some of it might have had to do with the birth control I was taking, since when I went off of it the worst of the - well, let's be frank it was hysteria - has seemed to have passed. I had at least four other large, if not quite to the level as what happened in December, breakdowns during the course of the year as well, which let me tell you was not fun at ALL. Especially since we couldn't really tell the rest of our families about it, for which reasons I will get to in the next paragraph.
To preface: I come from a long line of trailer park white trash. Both sides of my family were extremely poor and came from home lives that were...problematic at best and horrific at worst. My father's rise to a comfortable just above blue-collar job was lucky, for me, otherwise I might have ended up like any of my various other cousins who are now serving time in prison, rehab or are dead. A very select few were invited to my wedding because of this. I married into, while not an affluent family, but a Mexican-American family whose patriarch had done very well for himself and his various children had mostly done well for themselves as well. A few of Himself's cousins had gotten into trouble, but that number was low when you put it to the grand number of cousins he actually does have. (More than me, and that's a feat, let me tell you).
So, Himself's family has never had to deal with an inmate from prison calling, or lawyers fees, or newspaper articles about various family member's stupidity, etc and so on. This all changed last year when Himself's family pretty much imploded by one of his clan getting into a nasty court case that has shattered the aunts and uncles to various divided lines within the family and has all but destroyed Himself's mother. It was nasty. It was SO stressful. We were getting calls left and right and having to deal with family members falling to pieces over what happened (due to Himself's privacy and his family, this is about as vague as humanly possible. My kin don't damn well care about the shit we get into, but his sure do). During this, we had to sell our home and move a hundred miles away because of work transfers. My parents did not take it well, I did not take it well, since at the same time the car Himself and I bought together when we were first married also decided to bite the dust pretty much the same week we had to get out of our first home we'd bought together. Which was also right when the family drama happened.
It was a stressful first half of the year, let me tell you. Also, due to the stress, Himself started to get migraines at the drop of the hat (I'm claiming it's due to stress, but he won't admit it. I'm compiling a case in my favor tho). This freaked me right the hell out, which caused ME to stress, which due to my wonderful neurological chemicals being all out of whack, caused me to have hysterical breakdowns about once every two months. Fun times.
Right about the time when things from the first rush of the family drama started to die down into a comfortable pattern, was when my father's behavior started to change. Drastically. He has never been good with words or remembering people's name. I think there's a minor aphasia issue that he's always had, and that I have as well, to be frank. Words have never come easily to us, and we often stop and grope around for the correct word or phrasing while we're talking to people. This makes me incredibly embarrassed, to the point where I am NOT comfortable talking to people unless I know them and they understand that sometimes I'll squint at you and frown, but it's not that I'm angry or upset, it's that I'm trying to remember the word for the thing - the thing, you know? the - the - lampshade! That word, and I'm upset because I can't remember it. (no, really, it's exactly like that and SO BLOODY ANNOYING). My father has always been better with this, either because he had coping mechanisms beaten into him by a very abusing father or if his issues are just less severe than mine, I don't know. But anyway. The aphasia has always been there, and never much of a problem. Until he started forgetting things. Like, where he was going while he was driving forgetting things.
Yeah. That was fun to learn from my mom. Let me tell you.
So, about midway through last year his memory started to get pretty bad. He would get confused easily and his entire demeanor changed - he was irritable, cranky, sometimes scared and confused. He would be fine one minute and then furious the next. It was terrifying to watch and not being able to DO anything about it. It was also terrifying about what it could mean. He was tested for Alzheimer's but the results came back vague. He was tested for a few other various issues, but those results ALSO came back vague. It was one big "Welp, I dunno, if it gets worse, come back again" circus. He was told to take B vitamins and think happy thoughts. Thanks so much expensive doctors. No, really.
On top of THIS, my crazy uncle Bob is getting worse, my useless uncle K is making my aunt C absolutely miserable and they are facing a month to month crisis of whether or not they can pay their bills or feed themselves. My other aunt V is making remarks about my dead grandmother that are sending ME into seeing-red rage blackouts over facebook, and I'm thankful there that my father doesn't care enough about social media that he's not seen them (I hope not. I really, really, REALLY hope not). The holidays were on the tail end of all of this, which also coincided with the trial from Himself's family drama wrapping up to a very unfavorable result for them and. Well. Then December happened and it was miserable. And I was hysterical for a month solid. Pretty much. My very favorite time of the year and I was ready to literally kill myself because I was so stressed, unhappy and miserable. Cue breakdown of epic proportions.
So. Now. 2014. The Year of Drama has ended, but a new chapter of Shit That We Did Not Sign Up For has started. This one is closer to home, starring one of Himself's siblings and a nasty drug habit. My mother-in-law is sounding frailer and frailer on the phone. My father-in-law's health is pretty shit, too. We're watching that with a close eye, while we also are paying for various things FOR him as well. Our own finances are not the best, since we're living in a much higher cost-of-living environment, but we're making due.
So! That's where we are at the moment. Most of the Year of Drama crap has passed and it's now time to rebuild. My father's health is still one big question mark, but we JUST learned that one of his blood pressure medications that he's been on for a VERY LONG TIME causes memory loss and mental issues. JUST NOW LEARNED. THANK YOU DOCTORS. His medication has been adjusted, but we don't know how long it will take to see a change - if there's a change. My own mental health issues are...not exactly stable, but I'm learning the new rhythm and flow of it. And as for fic and fic writing? Well, it got put on the back burner for the above reasons, but I've never forgotten about it. Now I just have to see whether or not all these issues die down to the point where I CAN start taking the things I love to do to the front of my list of things to do in the evenings. We'll see.
I am so sorry for the long hiatus. I really am.