(no subject)
The holidays arrive like a plague - only this year for some reason I'm having a REALLY hard time being around his family. It's like, I want to give everyone an accountability meeting. In my fantasy, everyone (hey, me included, why not?) stands up and says "Hi - I'm *insert your name here* and I've made poor decisions in my life, which have my family and I have paid for." It's not that hard to admit is it? I feel so fucking judgmental this year. I look at everyone - from the oldest right on down to the freeloading cousin, and I have some bitch with pretty much all of them. I can do this with my own family too, but they have the grace and decency to stay a few hundred miles away from me during the holidays - and in terms of fucked up - well, I actually think his family won. First, I'll admit the sins of mine and my own - I know them well.
I was a cutter, I lived with other people to avoid my family, I don't love my family as much as I should and often fantasize about the death of my parents, I expected more from my brothers than I got which wasn't fair to them, I was smart enough to go to college and do something more useful with my life and instead settled for graduating high school then floating through life working customer service and now production, which has brought me to where I am. A 29 year old woman, with a 22 year old man who isn't ready to have children yet. I smoke a lot of pot, drink occasionally, don't clean nearly as often as I should, I don't like paying my bills and only pay the ones that directly impact me,and I don't have a plan for how I'm getting to the next stage.
My parents? Well, they don't know how to have any fun, my Dad couldn't pay a bill on time to save his life when I grew up, so I got used to a cycle : we buy a shiny new object, the shiny new object stays for a period of months, it's taken to the pawn shop for a loan, there is a clean spot in the dust for a while of where the object once resided, then finally it's replaced with another shiny new object. I didn't count on our tv, stereo, vcr, any of it to be there when I got home from school. It might be gone. My parents never talked about the bills, they never had a plan, they always lived outside their means. They skimped on clothes and groceries - opting for yard sales and budget crappy meals, while my dad still had cigarettes by the ton, was the only one allowed to drink the "real" milk, and had a steak for dinner often while the rest of us ate whatever atrocity my mother made. On the good side? They never drank, never did drugs, never left me alone, never sent me to a babysitter, always told me I was loved - even if it felt like I could never live up to the image in my dad's head of some perfect daughter who dotes on him, gives him the first dance at her wedding and thinks he hung the moon. I'm not the girliest creature on earth, and he was really hoping for a cupcake. My family is aloof with one another, we don't talk much, we aren't that attached, we have all been wrapped up in our own lives for a long time. We call each other and complain about the parents, we bond on it somehow, we're fucked up but we don't know how to fix it other than this occasional confession of something only one of us can understand. I've made peace with it, and I've come to a place in my life where I don't expect more.
I've had almost 30 years to accept all that though. This is newer.
His grandma is a die hard single bitch RN, (she's probably my favorite) and she speaks her mind, has strong opinions, but somehow she managed to marry drunken rejects in the past who must have been abusive and somehow fucked up her kids - because she raised a child molester, an addict who died early, and his mom - someone who chronically needed and chose men over her children. Abusive men, who molested and beat her children - my beloved included.
As for his mom? Well, I sometimes feel like we're in some love competition - she wants to feel like her opinions and thoughts are still really important to Patrick, that he's super close to his mom, that he NEEDS her. If I have a differing opinion on something, it's quickly viewed as a threat to her know-it-all stance and is shot down with whatever logic she can throw at it.
For me it all stems from the fact that I know she brought men into his life who hurt him, but that she doesn't appear to feel any guilt over it. Doesn't seem to own anything about the time. "It's how we HAD to live, it's what we did to survive." I just want to choke her sometimes and yell at her, "Some of this WAS your fault would you just fucking admit it?!!" I think it would make me less crazy if she'd just admit it. It's like this piece of information about her though, that she doesn't know, that I know. She couldn't bring herself to ask me if Patrick has told me he was molested, just in case he hasn't told me. She'd be giving away a secret that's his to give, and at least she isn't THAT fucking insensitive. Besides, I think she's embarrassed of how that will make her look as a parent, so she probably hopes I don't know. But when she pops off, like she did yesterday and says "All of them went through a phase where they ran off to live with the bums, or ran the streets, even though they had a perfectly good home to stay in." This is where I want to reach across the table and grab her by the throat. Kids don't run away from perfectly good homes. It's not a tantrum over them wanting a better toy, a better curfew. If the home was really so "perfectly good" you would have found them back in it after a brief flirtation with that other environment that they perceived to be better. It probably only would have been ONE kid, that played with that option. All three of her kids ran away from home, sometimes multiple times, and that's because men were chosen over them. Their place was clear, second to whoever she was with at the time. She was a shitty drunken parent, who raised kids who grew up to be drug addicts and broken people struggling to pick up their lives. Those aren't the kids "a perfectly good home" makes. Those are the kids a fucked up home makes.
Now? I hear all of those women sit and bitch about the boyfriend of the oldest, how he's destroying her life, and I bite my tongue because I know it isn't true. Ricky may be a lot of things, but he isn't the one who wrecked colleens' life, her mom did it a long time ago with poor choices, she met someone she fell for - even if they aren't the best people to be together, and she's trying like hell to make it work. She's hooked on meth, they aren't that good at paying the bills, and they're likely busy fucking up a new life - their sons' but it ISN'T all Rickys' fault. A lot of people played a part in that shit.
I hear all these women sit and bitch about Aja -for no better reason than that they think she's a pretty girl trapped with ugly girls' hair, they want to dress her better and make her pretty. The girl is 21 years old, leave her the fuck alone. Yeah, she should move out and spend time with someone other than her 40 something uncle, but it's easily fixed - tell her she has to move out by a certain date - and make her do it. As for how she looks, that IS her fucking choice. Don't ride her about it, you can encourage someone that they look good in something when you think they do but christ, you can't make them be "pretty" to suit you.
They really should make the fucked up uncle move out - a lifetime free loader who doesn't help out with much and spends most of his spare time sleeping to his favorite shows in the living room. He also acts better than everyone else because of his over - holy attitude of being some hardcore born again christian who still thinks he's gonna bag the twenty year old hot chick even though he's the forty eight year old fat santa looking fucker. Christ, it's still his grandmas' house they're all living in a mess together in. She could kick them out.
Then there's his cousin Kenny and his wife Heather with their spawn Zachary - Heather doesn't work, Kenny is a rent-a-cop, they're living with Grandma now too, because they couldn't pay rent. She's trying like hell to get public assistance, and insurance, to the point that they plan to cut his hours back to meet the criteria. Everyone - everyone, wants to complain that life is too fucking hard and that they deserve a break. "I shouldn't have to pay for this doctor bill" "I shouldn't have to pay for this" SOMEONE HAS TO YOU MISERABLE SELFISH FUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a cutter, I lived with other people to avoid my family, I don't love my family as much as I should and often fantasize about the death of my parents, I expected more from my brothers than I got which wasn't fair to them, I was smart enough to go to college and do something more useful with my life and instead settled for graduating high school then floating through life working customer service and now production, which has brought me to where I am. A 29 year old woman, with a 22 year old man who isn't ready to have children yet. I smoke a lot of pot, drink occasionally, don't clean nearly as often as I should, I don't like paying my bills and only pay the ones that directly impact me,and I don't have a plan for how I'm getting to the next stage.
My parents? Well, they don't know how to have any fun, my Dad couldn't pay a bill on time to save his life when I grew up, so I got used to a cycle : we buy a shiny new object, the shiny new object stays for a period of months, it's taken to the pawn shop for a loan, there is a clean spot in the dust for a while of where the object once resided, then finally it's replaced with another shiny new object. I didn't count on our tv, stereo, vcr, any of it to be there when I got home from school. It might be gone. My parents never talked about the bills, they never had a plan, they always lived outside their means. They skimped on clothes and groceries - opting for yard sales and budget crappy meals, while my dad still had cigarettes by the ton, was the only one allowed to drink the "real" milk, and had a steak for dinner often while the rest of us ate whatever atrocity my mother made. On the good side? They never drank, never did drugs, never left me alone, never sent me to a babysitter, always told me I was loved - even if it felt like I could never live up to the image in my dad's head of some perfect daughter who dotes on him, gives him the first dance at her wedding and thinks he hung the moon. I'm not the girliest creature on earth, and he was really hoping for a cupcake. My family is aloof with one another, we don't talk much, we aren't that attached, we have all been wrapped up in our own lives for a long time. We call each other and complain about the parents, we bond on it somehow, we're fucked up but we don't know how to fix it other than this occasional confession of something only one of us can understand. I've made peace with it, and I've come to a place in my life where I don't expect more.
I've had almost 30 years to accept all that though. This is newer.
His grandma is a die hard single bitch RN, (she's probably my favorite) and she speaks her mind, has strong opinions, but somehow she managed to marry drunken rejects in the past who must have been abusive and somehow fucked up her kids - because she raised a child molester, an addict who died early, and his mom - someone who chronically needed and chose men over her children. Abusive men, who molested and beat her children - my beloved included.
As for his mom? Well, I sometimes feel like we're in some love competition - she wants to feel like her opinions and thoughts are still really important to Patrick, that he's super close to his mom, that he NEEDS her. If I have a differing opinion on something, it's quickly viewed as a threat to her know-it-all stance and is shot down with whatever logic she can throw at it.
For me it all stems from the fact that I know she brought men into his life who hurt him, but that she doesn't appear to feel any guilt over it. Doesn't seem to own anything about the time. "It's how we HAD to live, it's what we did to survive." I just want to choke her sometimes and yell at her, "Some of this WAS your fault would you just fucking admit it?!!" I think it would make me less crazy if she'd just admit it. It's like this piece of information about her though, that she doesn't know, that I know. She couldn't bring herself to ask me if Patrick has told me he was molested, just in case he hasn't told me. She'd be giving away a secret that's his to give, and at least she isn't THAT fucking insensitive. Besides, I think she's embarrassed of how that will make her look as a parent, so she probably hopes I don't know. But when she pops off, like she did yesterday and says "All of them went through a phase where they ran off to live with the bums, or ran the streets, even though they had a perfectly good home to stay in." This is where I want to reach across the table and grab her by the throat. Kids don't run away from perfectly good homes. It's not a tantrum over them wanting a better toy, a better curfew. If the home was really so "perfectly good" you would have found them back in it after a brief flirtation with that other environment that they perceived to be better. It probably only would have been ONE kid, that played with that option. All three of her kids ran away from home, sometimes multiple times, and that's because men were chosen over them. Their place was clear, second to whoever she was with at the time. She was a shitty drunken parent, who raised kids who grew up to be drug addicts and broken people struggling to pick up their lives. Those aren't the kids "a perfectly good home" makes. Those are the kids a fucked up home makes.
Now? I hear all of those women sit and bitch about the boyfriend of the oldest, how he's destroying her life, and I bite my tongue because I know it isn't true. Ricky may be a lot of things, but he isn't the one who wrecked colleens' life, her mom did it a long time ago with poor choices, she met someone she fell for - even if they aren't the best people to be together, and she's trying like hell to make it work. She's hooked on meth, they aren't that good at paying the bills, and they're likely busy fucking up a new life - their sons' but it ISN'T all Rickys' fault. A lot of people played a part in that shit.
I hear all these women sit and bitch about Aja -for no better reason than that they think she's a pretty girl trapped with ugly girls' hair, they want to dress her better and make her pretty. The girl is 21 years old, leave her the fuck alone. Yeah, she should move out and spend time with someone other than her 40 something uncle, but it's easily fixed - tell her she has to move out by a certain date - and make her do it. As for how she looks, that IS her fucking choice. Don't ride her about it, you can encourage someone that they look good in something when you think they do but christ, you can't make them be "pretty" to suit you.
They really should make the fucked up uncle move out - a lifetime free loader who doesn't help out with much and spends most of his spare time sleeping to his favorite shows in the living room. He also acts better than everyone else because of his over - holy attitude of being some hardcore born again christian who still thinks he's gonna bag the twenty year old hot chick even though he's the forty eight year old fat santa looking fucker. Christ, it's still his grandmas' house they're all living in a mess together in. She could kick them out.
Then there's his cousin Kenny and his wife Heather with their spawn Zachary - Heather doesn't work, Kenny is a rent-a-cop, they're living with Grandma now too, because they couldn't pay rent. She's trying like hell to get public assistance, and insurance, to the point that they plan to cut his hours back to meet the criteria. Everyone - everyone, wants to complain that life is too fucking hard and that they deserve a break. "I shouldn't have to pay for this doctor bill" "I shouldn't have to pay for this" SOMEONE HAS TO YOU MISERABLE SELFISH FUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!