(no subject)
I miscarried to Simon and Garfunkels' Bridge over Troubled Water in the back of a pickup... hardly the best moment of my life.
Well, I started before that...but that's what stands out most in my mind, the tune as I was heading back home, trying to smile reassuringly when he looked back at me from the front seat with eyes full of concern. I knew...it wasn't normal.
I hoped, irrationally hoped even, that things would still turn out fine. I made little ridiculous chants and prayers of "please take it back, please let the baby be okay...please" but it was no help in the end.
I called my sister in law, the only person I knew, who had had a miscarriage. She tried to be reassuring but realistic, and told me I probably was having one, but that it would be okay, to lay down...to elevate my feet, don't do anything or go anywhere unless I have to.
My niece fasted for me...I told Patty, and Cody everything.
The doctors' appointment wasn't until 10am on Monday - so I had time to kill, worries to play out...nothing at all left to do but freak out entirely.
His mom came with me to the appointment. The ultrasound showed nothing but an empty uterus, no signs a baby was ever there. The test from the day before I couldn't resist taking was still positive, the hormone still strong enough to trip the test. She did the final step of putting a camera in to do a more in depth look, but still no signs, it was official, there was no baby.
I changed out of the gown and got my first cry down...called him, tried my best not to sound upset, hung up and cried some more. He talked to his boss and his boss sent him home, which was good. I needed him. I think he needed me too... just, too hard. Too hard to face it alone.
I went to work today, cried a few times, smiled, felt guilty, felt sad... he smiled for me when he walked by and we let ourselves grieve together, privately. This will take a while to get over I'm sure...but I'm trying my best to cope.
Well, I started before that...but that's what stands out most in my mind, the tune as I was heading back home, trying to smile reassuringly when he looked back at me from the front seat with eyes full of concern. I knew...it wasn't normal.
I hoped, irrationally hoped even, that things would still turn out fine. I made little ridiculous chants and prayers of "please take it back, please let the baby be okay...please" but it was no help in the end.
I called my sister in law, the only person I knew, who had had a miscarriage. She tried to be reassuring but realistic, and told me I probably was having one, but that it would be okay, to lay down...to elevate my feet, don't do anything or go anywhere unless I have to.
My niece fasted for me...I told Patty, and Cody everything.
The doctors' appointment wasn't until 10am on Monday - so I had time to kill, worries to play out...nothing at all left to do but freak out entirely.
His mom came with me to the appointment. The ultrasound showed nothing but an empty uterus, no signs a baby was ever there. The test from the day before I couldn't resist taking was still positive, the hormone still strong enough to trip the test. She did the final step of putting a camera in to do a more in depth look, but still no signs, it was official, there was no baby.
I changed out of the gown and got my first cry down...called him, tried my best not to sound upset, hung up and cried some more. He talked to his boss and his boss sent him home, which was good. I needed him. I think he needed me too... just, too hard. Too hard to face it alone.
I went to work today, cried a few times, smiled, felt guilty, felt sad... he smiled for me when he walked by and we let ourselves grieve together, privately. This will take a while to get over I'm sure...but I'm trying my best to cope.