I've never been an extrovert, but I'm still breathing. - Placebo
I think there are two readily distinguishable kinds of girls. Those that are pretty and friendly but distant, and those that are less pretty friendly and down to earth. Ithink I fall into the second category. I can't really get along with girls in the first category. They're friendly to everyone, but it's not an honest attempt at friendship, know what I mean? There's something about their manner that just lets you know they think they are a little bit better than you are, and that you really aren't worth their friendship. It's hard to explain. Brandon's sister falls into the first category. Definitely.
Having said that...
I went into tkd to teach today. There were 4 or 5 new no-belts. One was a girl, pretty, and my age. Has her license, I assume she's a junior in highschool...16 0r 17. Her name is Amanda. I came in about the same time as her. There she is with skin tight pants, close fitting shirt, ball chain necklace, cute shoes and a studded belt. Really pretty and tan too. I couldn't help but compare her attire my huge baggy black pants, ball chain necklace, clompy vans sneakers with checker laces, a large shirt, and a big cord jacket. I think she goes into the first category.
So I got out on the floor. Brandon was there, as usual we didn't talk or anything, just exchanged a glance. Then Amanda came out on the floor. Oh, no. What in the world would I do if Brandon started liking her??? That would be so awful! I wouldn't be able to stand that. But true to his nature, he dind't talk to her (because he's so shy.) But I just can't help but be jealous of her. I did notice her staring at him. It's really stupid, but I felt posessive over him.
I'm starting to wonder if the way I dress drives boys off. I think I'm pretty, I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm a little pretty. I think I have some good jokes. Once you get to know me, I'm pretty cool. Or so I think. I can't understand why all these other girls have boyfriends and I'm stuck out in all-by-myself-land. So far as I can tell, the only difference between all those other girls and me, is that they wear nice clothes that actually flatter their body. Let's face it: a huge percentage of all relationships start with physical attraction. As in. "Oh, he's cute. I'll say hi to him." Or, "Oh, she's hot. Maybe I should flirt with her." Right? I think so. There's nothing "wrong" with that persay, it's human nature. So maybe when guys see me for the first time, they don't really consider me "available" or someone to flirt with because I'm all covered up because of the way I dress.
But the only problem with that is I feel very uncomfortable in tight clothes, especially pants. My butts too big for the pants, and the tight pants squish all the extra fat down into the leg, therefore leaving me with a very small amount of padding to sit on, and as a result, I'm just about siting on my pelvis bones. Very uncomfortable. Plus the crotch rides up when I sit down. Yeah, too much information. Sometimes I like wearing tight fitting shirts, like tank tops. but the only problem with that are my huge arm muscles. They make it hard to look nice and ladylike. but I really have a problem with short shorts because my thighs are so big from ten years of dancing and taekwondo. And the problems go on and on. I have one pair of bellbottoms that aren't too uncomfortable, and I'll wear them for when I don't want to look like a fat slob. Those are ok, they are somewhat tight, but I feel really conspicuous in them. And on and on.
Sometimes I really wish that I could have a complete transformation, and shop at places like wet seal, and always look really attractive. But then whenI really get serious about buying flares and clothes that all other girls are wearing, I get a pang because I don't like doing what other people do. Maaaaphffff!!!!!!
And then what happens if I do come through witha "transformation"? What if nothing changes with the boy situation and I still don't have a boyfriend and boys stil don't hit on me? Then I'll really wonder what's wrong
Or maybe I'm just too damn insecure. I woudln't be like this if it weren't for males. I'd be perfectly sure of myself if it weren't for males. Like on saturday. I'd have been fine if people just left me alone, but evertime someone said, "you can do it, ilara!" I felt like crying all over again. jeesh.
Ugh. Today hasn't been a good day. I meant to apologize in the parking lot to Brandon about kicking his fingers. But I went to fast. And I didn't want to seem like I was waiting for him to come out. So I didn't get to talk to him. Watch, when I do apologize, he'll be like..."what the heck are you talking about." ACH WHATEVER
BLEAHH
Having said that...
I went into tkd to teach today. There were 4 or 5 new no-belts. One was a girl, pretty, and my age. Has her license, I assume she's a junior in highschool...16 0r 17. Her name is Amanda. I came in about the same time as her. There she is with skin tight pants, close fitting shirt, ball chain necklace, cute shoes and a studded belt. Really pretty and tan too. I couldn't help but compare her attire my huge baggy black pants, ball chain necklace, clompy vans sneakers with checker laces, a large shirt, and a big cord jacket. I think she goes into the first category.
So I got out on the floor. Brandon was there, as usual we didn't talk or anything, just exchanged a glance. Then Amanda came out on the floor. Oh, no. What in the world would I do if Brandon started liking her??? That would be so awful! I wouldn't be able to stand that. But true to his nature, he dind't talk to her (because he's so shy.) But I just can't help but be jealous of her. I did notice her staring at him. It's really stupid, but I felt posessive over him.
I'm starting to wonder if the way I dress drives boys off. I think I'm pretty, I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm a little pretty. I think I have some good jokes. Once you get to know me, I'm pretty cool. Or so I think. I can't understand why all these other girls have boyfriends and I'm stuck out in all-by-myself-land. So far as I can tell, the only difference between all those other girls and me, is that they wear nice clothes that actually flatter their body. Let's face it: a huge percentage of all relationships start with physical attraction. As in. "Oh, he's cute. I'll say hi to him." Or, "Oh, she's hot. Maybe I should flirt with her." Right? I think so. There's nothing "wrong" with that persay, it's human nature. So maybe when guys see me for the first time, they don't really consider me "available" or someone to flirt with because I'm all covered up because of the way I dress.
But the only problem with that is I feel very uncomfortable in tight clothes, especially pants. My butts too big for the pants, and the tight pants squish all the extra fat down into the leg, therefore leaving me with a very small amount of padding to sit on, and as a result, I'm just about siting on my pelvis bones. Very uncomfortable. Plus the crotch rides up when I sit down. Yeah, too much information. Sometimes I like wearing tight fitting shirts, like tank tops. but the only problem with that are my huge arm muscles. They make it hard to look nice and ladylike. but I really have a problem with short shorts because my thighs are so big from ten years of dancing and taekwondo. And the problems go on and on. I have one pair of bellbottoms that aren't too uncomfortable, and I'll wear them for when I don't want to look like a fat slob. Those are ok, they are somewhat tight, but I feel really conspicuous in them. And on and on.
Sometimes I really wish that I could have a complete transformation, and shop at places like wet seal, and always look really attractive. But then whenI really get serious about buying flares and clothes that all other girls are wearing, I get a pang because I don't like doing what other people do. Maaaaphffff!!!!!!
And then what happens if I do come through witha "transformation"? What if nothing changes with the boy situation and I still don't have a boyfriend and boys stil don't hit on me? Then I'll really wonder what's wrong
Or maybe I'm just too damn insecure. I woudln't be like this if it weren't for males. I'd be perfectly sure of myself if it weren't for males. Like on saturday. I'd have been fine if people just left me alone, but evertime someone said, "you can do it, ilara!" I felt like crying all over again. jeesh.
Ugh. Today hasn't been a good day. I meant to apologize in the parking lot to Brandon about kicking his fingers. But I went to fast. And I didn't want to seem like I was waiting for him to come out. So I didn't get to talk to him. Watch, when I do apologize, he'll be like..."what the heck are you talking about." ACH WHATEVER
BLEAHH