Challenge response, Rayne ficlet
Anyway, I should have been working today, but instead, came up with the following, in answer to the challenge posted by msspuffyrayne13.
First completed fanfic, first Rayne fic, first completed challenge response in any genre.
Rating: Eh. G? Very fluffy.
Spoilers: None - consider it AU, since both Wash and Book are still with us.
Length: 3K+ words, so ficlet, I suppose.
Unbetad, so any mistakes I'm blaming on MicroSoft Word and inattention due to work.
*Clang!*
“Tell me again how you managed to talk me into this?” Simon asked, pacing the width of the cargo bay frantically, chewing on one thumbnail like a man possessed of OCD.
*Clang!*
“Were real simple, Doc,” Mal answered, even as he sighted down the pitch with his next horseshoe. “Didn’t take no talkin’ at all. Girl said she was goin’, the other’s said okay, and off they all went.”
Simon’s pace never slowed, even as he seemingly didn’t acknowledge the fact that Malcolm Reynolds had spoken. Jayne snorted, and shook his head in disgust as he watched the high-strung doctor make solid progress on walking a noticeable groove in the supposedly dent-proof floor of the bay.
Shepherd Book and Wash were leaned casually against the neatly stacked crates of farm implements that Serenity was shipping - an actual legitimate contract, supplied by the Shepherd himself - and watching Simon slowly self-destruct with a combination of pity and amusement.
*Clang!*
“I mean, I know no one talked me into anything - Buddha knows, I’ve had plenty of experience with River when she sets her mind on something - but I just… how… I mean…” he spun on one heel and glared balefully at Jayne. “Why you? Why now? Why this??”
Jayne smirked. “Guess little sister just has good taste,” he said. He stepped up to take his turn at throwing shoes, and was stopped by one splayed hand on his chest.
“I think you’re forgettin’ somethin’, Jayne,” Mal said, with a smirk of his own. For a moment, Jayne looked confused. “I made all three shoes. That means you drink.”
Jayne frowned, and huffed a sigh. “Who the ruttin’ heck ever heard of horseshoes as a drinkin’ game?” he grumbled. But with a lot less reluctance than his words would lead one to believe, he stepped over to the bottle of whiskey and four shot glasses waiting on the crates, and threw back a shot. With a happy sigh at the burn of whiskey as it went down, he stepped back to the pitch and began his turn.
Three clangs later, and it was Mal’s turn to grumble under his breath and toss back a shot. The captain and the mercenary vacated the pitch, and let Wash and Book take their place.
Bowing graciously, Wash let Book go first. “Simon, I understand you’re concern - and not just because… well… because it’s Jayne. I’ve yet to meet a man who was prepared to face the fact that his baby sister is ready for a big-girl relationship,” the blonde pilot said, trying to comfort the tense young doctor. “Look on the bright side. At least with River focused on a relationship with Jayne, her brain has calmed down a lot. It’s been months since her last episode. And being on the same ship with her, you can keep a close eye on her medical health as well.” The Shepherd finished his toss, and Wash took his drink. He twitched in an all-over body spasm after drinking the harsh liquor, then stepped up to take his turn at pitching.
“I don’t think either of you are being very fair to Jayne,” Book gently admonished the pair of men. With a nod in the big mercenary’s direction, he went on, “I have to say that Jayne has observed every propriety with regards to courting River the correct way. Although, I will admit to some surprise myself when you asked me to chaperone your ‘dates’ in the cargo hold.”
Jayne’s face darkened in embarrassment, and he kicked at the deck plating. “My ma raised me right,” he mumbled. “Ya don’t do no casual sexin’ with someone ya work with. If’n yer gonna sleep with her, ya better be serious ‘bout it. Seemed like the right thing ta do, t’ make sure ever’body knew I weren’t foolin’ around when I asked the crazy girl to go steppin’ out with me.”
Simon made a face in disgust. “You still can’t even call her by her real name!” he insisted. “Her name is not ‘Crazy Girl’!”
Jayne rolled his eyes. “I know that, dummy,” he said in exasperation. “I call her ‘River’ when we’re all cozy-like. Seems kinda weird to use her cozyin’-up name around her brother… seems kinda naughty-like, or somethin’.”
Book swallowed a smile at the big man’s explanation. Having been present on numerous chaperoned “outings” which consisted of the blossoming couple strolling down to the cargo bay for an impromptu picnic lunch, workout, or - once - when Jayne had specially constructed a homemade swing for the express purpose of pushing River on said swing, he understood the different nuances of the rough mercenary’s various forms of address for the tiny little dangerous woman. Jayne had surprised and impressed everyone aboard with his insistence on observing all the proper protocols for courting when he finally got up the nerve to ask River to “step out” with him.
At first, the small woman had been confused, not understanding the colloquialism. It wasn’t a phrase that had been in use on the Core worlds for many, many decades. Book had taken it upon himself to pull the young girl and her brother aside and explain the exact definition of the phrase, and he had been the one to encourage Simon to unlimber enough to allow Jayne to court his sister. Book knew that if Jayne were going to all this trouble, then he would most likely observe all the proper steps - which led them to right now.
Jayne and River had been stepping out together for almost six months - all their social interaction having been supervised, either by Book, by Simon, or by Zoe and Wash on a number of occasions. The pair of courting lovebirds had yet to be alone with each other. Now, after six months of dating, Jayne had asked Simon’s permission to take his sister out on a real date at their next port-of-call where they were going to be harbored for more than a few hours. River had had to twist Simon’s arm - literally - before he conceded agreement, and she had gone out with the female contingent of Serenity to primp and get herself ready. It was a special treat from Inara to the young girl, to get her ready for her first big date.
Even the Companion had been pleased and impressed by Jayne’s seriousness. He hadn’t tried to put on airs or pretend he was anything fancier than he really was. But Jayne had made a sincere effort over the past six months to mind his manners, to be a gentleman to River, at least, and had stayed out of any and all bordellos - or anything that even looked like a bordello. As far as the Companion had been able to see, he had made no overtly sexual advances against the younger woman, the most she’d observed was a little hand holding and an occasional stolen kiss. The Companion and the first mate had a bet on, as a matter of fact, as to when Jayne was actually going to pop the question. Zoe’s bet was for tonight, during their big date. Inara was betting on a little bit further down the road, when Simon had finally calmed down from the initial shock of Jayne asking River to date to begin with.
All of this flashed through Book’s mind in an instant as he watched Wash pitch his third and final horseshoe, and make a third ringer. With a sigh, the older Shepherd looked morosely at the bottle of whiskey. He didn’t want to drink, but that was the arrangement in place. If your opponent made all three shoes, you had to drink. If they missed, they had to drink - one shot for each missed shoe.
Jayne laid a firm hand on the Shepherd’s shoulder. “Ain’t nobody ‘spects you to drink, Shepherd,” he said. “We all knowed you was just playin’ to be keepin’ us comp’ny.” He cut sly eyes over to Simon, and grinned wickedly. “Hey, Doc, why don’t you take the Shepherd’s shot for him?”
“That’s really not nec-“ Book began to protest, but Jayne shushed him gently.
“We ain’t tryin’ ta get the Doc in trouble, Shepherd,” he said quietly. “Just tryin’ ta get ‘im ta relax a little,” Jayne reassured him.
Simon huffed a sigh. “I guess a couple of drinks couldn’t hurt. Maybe it’ll calm me down so I won’t think about you d-d-d-dating my sister.”
Jayne guffawed. “Sure, Doc, sure! Coupla drinks, you might even be able to say that without a stutter!”
Simon twitched, much as Wash had, only his spasm came before tasting the whiskey.
The game continued. Mal and Jayne were pretty evenly matched as far as pitching shoes went. Also as far as being able to hold their booze, for that matter. Wash did pretty well, managing to hold his own even as he began to quickly show the effects of the alcohol.
Poor Simon, though, was quickly awash in an alcoholic haze. What started out as “Simon, why don’t you take Shepherd’s shots for him?” quickly became “Simon, take this shot for Wash, or he ain’t gonna be able to pitch next time,” and degenerated to “Simon, why don’t you have a go at the pitch? Aw, ain’t that a shame? Ya missed two! That means two shots for you!”
After an hour of this, Simon had (finally!) stopped pacing and chewing his thumbnail to a bloody pulp - mostly because it was too difficult to walk straight - and the game had been abandoned in favor of the five men standing around chatting. Or, in Simon’s case, slumped morosely on a crate.
“Now, y’see, thisisis something else I jus don’t under-understand,” Simon said. He tried to enunciate each word clearly, and mostly succeeded. Simon squinted crossly at Jayne - who was still rock-solid sober, and grinning hugely at the inebriated doctor. “You… you’re big, granted. But…but…but yur… yur an ape. A hairy, trained ape.” He slumped further, and huffed out a huge sigh. “How come you gots the whole charmin’ gennleman luck thing goin’ with my siser, an’ I can’ even get Laylee… Kaykaykay… Kaywinnette to realize I’m alive?” He looked so morose and pitiful, Jayne couldn’t even get offended at the ‘ape’ jab. He was pretty much used to that from the doctor by now, anyway.
Mal had to guffaw at Simon’s statement, and Wash began to snicker. Even Shepherd Book chuckled, and clasped Simon’s shoulder companionably. “Son, Kaylee knows you’re alive. Trust us all on this one, young man, our gentle mechanic has definitely noticed you.”
Simon turned his sad gaze on the Shepherd. “Bu’ how can I make sure she sees me? I mean, should I be courtin’ her like Jayne did River? Would she wan me t’do that? Would she let me?”
Mal laughed even harder. “Doc, I gotta say, it be mighty noble of ya ta wanna court Lil’ Kaylee an’ all, but you’re a different kinda man than Jayne is. No offense, Jayne, but if’n the Doc ever gets offa his pigu long enough t’ ask Kaylee out on a date, ain’t nobody gonna be wantin’ ta rush out and string ‘im up ‘cause they question his inentions!”
Jayne snorted. “No offense taken. Don’t think the doc here knows what less than honorable intentions are, anyway. Kaylee’s gonna haveta tie this’n here down and have her wicked way with ‘im, if she wants ta get anywhere with ‘im.”
“Hey! Tha’s not a nice thing t’say ‘bout Kaylillalee!” Simon insisted, pointing imperiously at Jayne. “You had best retract that statement, you blute!”
Jayne and Mal looked at each other in confusion. “Blute?” Mal asked. “What the heck is a blute?”
“I think he meant to call Jayne a brute,” Wash inserted. He was by no means drunk, but the world was buffered by a warm, rosy glow. “Best ease off the trigger, there, hoss,” Wash cautioned the very drunk doctor. “You are in no shape to go challenging Jayne over Kaylee’s honor.”
Simon slewed his head around to peer owlishly at the blonde mechanic. “But I would,” he insisted. “I would take on the blute-fish man-ape with… with naked hands, if I had to. An’ don’t you forget it!” He shook another admonishing finger at the mercenary.
“Forget it? Heck, doc, I don’t even understand it!” Jayne insisted.
“Hey, Doc!” Mal suddenly piped up - the gleam of wickedness in his eyes. “You wanna make sure Lil’ Kaylee notices you? You gotta do somethin’ big an’ flashy! Somethin’ ain’t nobody ever gonna forget!”
He had the doctor’s undivided attention at this point. “Like what?”
“I dunno,” Mal said. “Maybe stand on the docks and sing ‘er a song, or stand up in front of a crowd and read her some poetry. Something ain’t nobody gonna forget no time soon!”
“Hey! You could run up and down the docks wearing a big sandwich board that said ‘I love you, Kaylee’!” Wash exclaimed excitedly. “That’d sure get people talking!”
Jayne nearly choked on his tongue when he snorted at the mental picture that created. “It’d sure ‘nough get people sayin’ something!” he agreed. “I wouldn’t have the balls t’ do it, that’s for sure!”
Simon pulled himself as completely erect as he could, and glared down his nose at the laughing mercenary. “Well, then we’ll just have to prove I have balls,” he said, very precisely. “Wash, go fetch me a sandwich.”
Now Book began to grow concerned. “Gentlemen, let’s not do anything too hasty that someone is going to regret in the morning,” he cautioned, trying to catch hold of Wash before the younger man could dart away.
“Oh, don’t worry so much, Shepherd,” Mal said, catching the older man’s arm. “We won’t let ‘im get hurt none. I mean, look at ‘im. Ya really think he’s even gonna be able ta make it off the bay, shape he’s in? It’ll be funny!” Book looked dubiously at the captain, having had some experience with the man’s so-called sense of humor. “Relax. We’ll dress ‘im up, take a couple captures, then tease ‘im with ‘em tomorrow, when he sobers up. It’ll be fine!”
It was a few minutes before Wash came back with several thin pieces of plywood that were left overs from some shipping crates that had been received, a few lengths of twine, and a can of paint. Mal and Jayne held the capture while they filmed the two inebriated young men trying to fabricate a functional sandwich board. What they wound up with was two narrow 1 x 8 planks with twine straps that fitted over Simon’s shoulders, and the words “Luv U Kayleleleee” printed in crooked, vertical letters down the front and back. “Kaylee” had been spelled differently on both sides. You pretty much had to know what it was meant to say to be able to understand what it actually said.
When the hour of truth arrived, Simon held up a hand in refusal. “No. I won’t wear it like that,” he announced. Wash looked disappointed. He’d worked hard at spelling ‘Kaylee’ - and he was sure they’d gotten one too many ‘l’s, but it still looked nice. “Nope, it just won’t do. The whole point of this exercise is to prove I have balls. Like Jayne.”
“Okay, so watcha gonna do, doc?” Jayne asked. It was all he could do not to wet himself, watching the doctor’s drunken antics.
“I’m going to show you an everbody else that I gots balls.” Simon nodded once, definitively, and began to unbutton his vest.
When Mal realized exactly what the doctor was planning to do, he had to sit down. Except… he wasn’t actually close enough to a shipping crate, and landed plop on his butt on the bay floor. All things considered, it was probably safer for him after all. He was laughing so hard by this point, Jayne had to rescue the capture, and Mal keeled over onto his side and held his ribs against the pain of laughing.
Book shook his head in exasperation. Short of knocking the young doctor out, there was nothing he could do to talk the young man out of his “brilliant” plan, and he watched with dread as the determined suitor struggled to remove his pants - without first removing his shoes. Amazingly enough, the doctor hopped around repeatedly on first one foot, then the other, and never completely lost the war with gravity. Straightening his shoulders with as much dignity as he could muster, the doctor extended his arms for Wash.
“You may now present the board of declaration,” he intoned. Wash snickered, and settled the make-shift sign over the doctor’s tousled head and pale shoulders. The planks were just wide enough to cover the good doctor’s assets, but there was no doubt at all to anyone who saw him that there was nothing under that little sign except that with which God had graced him. And a pair of shiny shoes and black socks.
The doctor gripped the edges of the sandwich board in both fists, and turned to face the cargo bay doors. “Open the doors, Wash, let’s get this over with. I have a point to make.”
Wash moved to comply. Mal tried to wave the blonde pilot back, but he was laughing so hard, breathing was becoming a genuine concern. Jayne made no move to stop him, and Book - for all that he had been the voice of reason throughout the entire episode - froze. He never thought they’d make it this far, and now that it seemed they were about to take the penultimate step towards Simon’s total humiliation, his brain simply ceased the ability to function, and he couldn’t move.
With grinding finality, the cargo doors open and the ramp lowered. Simon began taking deep breaths, in preparation of his mad sprint up and down the docks.
“Husband, how did you know we were back?” Zoe asked, startling them all. Wash jumped a foot, and Simon took a reeling step backward. Book heaved a deep sigh and offered up a prayer of thanksgiving that disaster had been so narrowly averted.
“Lamby-toes! You’re home!” Wash exclaimed cheerfully, bounding down the ramp to seize his much taller wife in a tight embrace. He swept her into a deep dip, and kissed her deeply.
“I should go shopping more often if I’m going to get that kind of welcome home,” she said with a smile. “Have you been drinking?”
“Yep!” Wash agreed happily. “I suck at horseshoes, by the way. Did you ladies have fun?”
“Oh, yeah, we had…” Kaylee began, then she caught sight of Simon, who was smiling at her beatifically. “Uh… Simon?” she began, trying real hard not to laugh. “Whatcha doin?”
“Proving a point. I have balls,” he announced decisively.
“Everybody can see that, sweetie,” Kaylee agreed, nodding. “Whyfore aintcha got clothes on?”
Simon lowered his gaze, and looked up at Kaylee through his lashes. “Had to prove a point. I wanted to make sure you noticed me. I like you. A lot. And I have no idea how to make sure you understand that.”
Kaylee melted on the spot. “Oh, Simon! That is the sweetest thing anybody’s almost done for me! But you don’t really gotta go streakin’ on the docks to prove that to me.”
“So you believe I have balls?” he asked hopefully.
Inara had one hand clamped tightly over her mouth, and one arm wrapped tightly around her stomach to stifle the giggles that were trying to break free. Zoe had her face buried in Wash’s shoulder, her entire body shaking with silent mirth. River, at the back of the group, sighed and rolled her eyes at her brother, and shook her head at Jayne. Jayne still held the capture, and never stopped filming the entire episode.
“Simon, sweetie, me an’ everybody else knows for a fact you got balls, now,” Kaylee reassured him. She stepped over beside him, and looped her arm through his elbow. “Why don’t we go back to your bunk and put the sign away, then you can get some sleep. How’s that sound?”
Simon nodded agreeably. “I like that.” He began to trail along with her unresisting. “Will you tie me to the bed and have your wicked way with me now?”
The mechanic actually stumbled at that point.
Mal sprawled flat on his back, gasping for breath, as Inara walked over to where he lay, and peered down at him. Her eyes were twinkling with mirth, and her lips pulled into a broad, genuine smile. “Do we have you to thank for this?” she asked the recumbent captain.
Mal shook his head. “Nope. I just wanted ta get him a little drunk, and see if we could get him ta serenade Lil’ Kaylee from the catwalks. Wash suggested the sandwich board - but the doc came up with the streakin’ idea all on his lonesome.”
Inara shook her head in bemusement. “We can’t even leave you men alone for an hour, without you getting into trouble!”
Mal grinned. “That’s cause we’re easily bored and too smart for our own goods. You’re really very beautiful when you laugh. I should get the doc naked more often if’n it’s gonna make you laugh like this.”
Inara smiled and shook her head once more, offering her hand down to help Mal to his feet.
“I feel that I have failed in my duties as the sober one of the group,” Book sighed, gathering up Simon’s scattered clothing. “Trying to deal with a drunk Simon is much like trying to deal with a force of nature.”
“It’s okay, Shepherd,” Zoe told him, still chuckling. She was intertwined with Wash, and the couple were moving slowly towards the depths of the ship. “When the captain’s in a mischief-makin’ mood, nobody can stand in his way.”
Jayne turned the capture on River. He whistled softly through his teeth. “I must say, Miss Tam, you are lookin’ fair lovely this evenin’,” he told her, panning the camera up and down her height.
The ladies had found a slate blue, long-sleeved dress that complimented River’s natural coloring, and was set off by a pair of low-slung short heeled sandals. Her hair had been set in soft waves, and a minimum of make-up emphasized her natural beauty instead of covering it up. River blushed prettily and smiled at the compliment.
“Will look better when not viewed through refractive glass and reversing lenses,” she told him.
Jayne pulled back from the capture’s viewpiece, and frowned at her. “Wha?”
Book chuckled. “Put the camera down, son. Your lady fair is waiting,” the older shepherd chastised gently.
“Oh, right!” Jayne jerked, understanding. He passed the camera to Book. “Thank’s Shepherd. I won’t keep her out too late, promise,” he said, striding over to River.
Surreptitiously, Book turned the still-running capture onto the couple. “I’m sure you’ll be fine, Jayne,” he murmured, watching the by-play between the two.
Jayne offered a small bow from the waist, and extended his arm to River. Smiling, River tucked her small hand into the crook of his elbow, and the pair strode off back down the ramp, and into the crowd around the docks. As they disappeared into the crowd, Book turned off the capture and walked over to close up the ramp. With a happy smile, he scanned the milling crowds as the doors closed.
“I think you’ll both do just fine,” he said, to no one in particular.
First completed fanfic, first Rayne fic, first completed challenge response in any genre.
Rating: Eh. G? Very fluffy.
Spoilers: None - consider it AU, since both Wash and Book are still with us.
Length: 3K+ words, so ficlet, I suppose.
Unbetad, so any mistakes I'm blaming on MicroSoft Word and inattention due to work.
*Clang!*
“Tell me again how you managed to talk me into this?” Simon asked, pacing the width of the cargo bay frantically, chewing on one thumbnail like a man possessed of OCD.
*Clang!*
“Were real simple, Doc,” Mal answered, even as he sighted down the pitch with his next horseshoe. “Didn’t take no talkin’ at all. Girl said she was goin’, the other’s said okay, and off they all went.”
Simon’s pace never slowed, even as he seemingly didn’t acknowledge the fact that Malcolm Reynolds had spoken. Jayne snorted, and shook his head in disgust as he watched the high-strung doctor make solid progress on walking a noticeable groove in the supposedly dent-proof floor of the bay.
Shepherd Book and Wash were leaned casually against the neatly stacked crates of farm implements that Serenity was shipping - an actual legitimate contract, supplied by the Shepherd himself - and watching Simon slowly self-destruct with a combination of pity and amusement.
*Clang!*
“I mean, I know no one talked me into anything - Buddha knows, I’ve had plenty of experience with River when she sets her mind on something - but I just… how… I mean…” he spun on one heel and glared balefully at Jayne. “Why you? Why now? Why this??”
Jayne smirked. “Guess little sister just has good taste,” he said. He stepped up to take his turn at throwing shoes, and was stopped by one splayed hand on his chest.
“I think you’re forgettin’ somethin’, Jayne,” Mal said, with a smirk of his own. For a moment, Jayne looked confused. “I made all three shoes. That means you drink.”
Jayne frowned, and huffed a sigh. “Who the ruttin’ heck ever heard of horseshoes as a drinkin’ game?” he grumbled. But with a lot less reluctance than his words would lead one to believe, he stepped over to the bottle of whiskey and four shot glasses waiting on the crates, and threw back a shot. With a happy sigh at the burn of whiskey as it went down, he stepped back to the pitch and began his turn.
Three clangs later, and it was Mal’s turn to grumble under his breath and toss back a shot. The captain and the mercenary vacated the pitch, and let Wash and Book take their place.
Bowing graciously, Wash let Book go first. “Simon, I understand you’re concern - and not just because… well… because it’s Jayne. I’ve yet to meet a man who was prepared to face the fact that his baby sister is ready for a big-girl relationship,” the blonde pilot said, trying to comfort the tense young doctor. “Look on the bright side. At least with River focused on a relationship with Jayne, her brain has calmed down a lot. It’s been months since her last episode. And being on the same ship with her, you can keep a close eye on her medical health as well.” The Shepherd finished his toss, and Wash took his drink. He twitched in an all-over body spasm after drinking the harsh liquor, then stepped up to take his turn at pitching.
“I don’t think either of you are being very fair to Jayne,” Book gently admonished the pair of men. With a nod in the big mercenary’s direction, he went on, “I have to say that Jayne has observed every propriety with regards to courting River the correct way. Although, I will admit to some surprise myself when you asked me to chaperone your ‘dates’ in the cargo hold.”
Jayne’s face darkened in embarrassment, and he kicked at the deck plating. “My ma raised me right,” he mumbled. “Ya don’t do no casual sexin’ with someone ya work with. If’n yer gonna sleep with her, ya better be serious ‘bout it. Seemed like the right thing ta do, t’ make sure ever’body knew I weren’t foolin’ around when I asked the crazy girl to go steppin’ out with me.”
Simon made a face in disgust. “You still can’t even call her by her real name!” he insisted. “Her name is not ‘Crazy Girl’!”
Jayne rolled his eyes. “I know that, dummy,” he said in exasperation. “I call her ‘River’ when we’re all cozy-like. Seems kinda weird to use her cozyin’-up name around her brother… seems kinda naughty-like, or somethin’.”
Book swallowed a smile at the big man’s explanation. Having been present on numerous chaperoned “outings” which consisted of the blossoming couple strolling down to the cargo bay for an impromptu picnic lunch, workout, or - once - when Jayne had specially constructed a homemade swing for the express purpose of pushing River on said swing, he understood the different nuances of the rough mercenary’s various forms of address for the tiny little dangerous woman. Jayne had surprised and impressed everyone aboard with his insistence on observing all the proper protocols for courting when he finally got up the nerve to ask River to “step out” with him.
At first, the small woman had been confused, not understanding the colloquialism. It wasn’t a phrase that had been in use on the Core worlds for many, many decades. Book had taken it upon himself to pull the young girl and her brother aside and explain the exact definition of the phrase, and he had been the one to encourage Simon to unlimber enough to allow Jayne to court his sister. Book knew that if Jayne were going to all this trouble, then he would most likely observe all the proper steps - which led them to right now.
Jayne and River had been stepping out together for almost six months - all their social interaction having been supervised, either by Book, by Simon, or by Zoe and Wash on a number of occasions. The pair of courting lovebirds had yet to be alone with each other. Now, after six months of dating, Jayne had asked Simon’s permission to take his sister out on a real date at their next port-of-call where they were going to be harbored for more than a few hours. River had had to twist Simon’s arm - literally - before he conceded agreement, and she had gone out with the female contingent of Serenity to primp and get herself ready. It was a special treat from Inara to the young girl, to get her ready for her first big date.
Even the Companion had been pleased and impressed by Jayne’s seriousness. He hadn’t tried to put on airs or pretend he was anything fancier than he really was. But Jayne had made a sincere effort over the past six months to mind his manners, to be a gentleman to River, at least, and had stayed out of any and all bordellos - or anything that even looked like a bordello. As far as the Companion had been able to see, he had made no overtly sexual advances against the younger woman, the most she’d observed was a little hand holding and an occasional stolen kiss. The Companion and the first mate had a bet on, as a matter of fact, as to when Jayne was actually going to pop the question. Zoe’s bet was for tonight, during their big date. Inara was betting on a little bit further down the road, when Simon had finally calmed down from the initial shock of Jayne asking River to date to begin with.
All of this flashed through Book’s mind in an instant as he watched Wash pitch his third and final horseshoe, and make a third ringer. With a sigh, the older Shepherd looked morosely at the bottle of whiskey. He didn’t want to drink, but that was the arrangement in place. If your opponent made all three shoes, you had to drink. If they missed, they had to drink - one shot for each missed shoe.
Jayne laid a firm hand on the Shepherd’s shoulder. “Ain’t nobody ‘spects you to drink, Shepherd,” he said. “We all knowed you was just playin’ to be keepin’ us comp’ny.” He cut sly eyes over to Simon, and grinned wickedly. “Hey, Doc, why don’t you take the Shepherd’s shot for him?”
“That’s really not nec-“ Book began to protest, but Jayne shushed him gently.
“We ain’t tryin’ ta get the Doc in trouble, Shepherd,” he said quietly. “Just tryin’ ta get ‘im ta relax a little,” Jayne reassured him.
Simon huffed a sigh. “I guess a couple of drinks couldn’t hurt. Maybe it’ll calm me down so I won’t think about you d-d-d-dating my sister.”
Jayne guffawed. “Sure, Doc, sure! Coupla drinks, you might even be able to say that without a stutter!”
Simon twitched, much as Wash had, only his spasm came before tasting the whiskey.
The game continued. Mal and Jayne were pretty evenly matched as far as pitching shoes went. Also as far as being able to hold their booze, for that matter. Wash did pretty well, managing to hold his own even as he began to quickly show the effects of the alcohol.
Poor Simon, though, was quickly awash in an alcoholic haze. What started out as “Simon, why don’t you take Shepherd’s shots for him?” quickly became “Simon, take this shot for Wash, or he ain’t gonna be able to pitch next time,” and degenerated to “Simon, why don’t you have a go at the pitch? Aw, ain’t that a shame? Ya missed two! That means two shots for you!”
After an hour of this, Simon had (finally!) stopped pacing and chewing his thumbnail to a bloody pulp - mostly because it was too difficult to walk straight - and the game had been abandoned in favor of the five men standing around chatting. Or, in Simon’s case, slumped morosely on a crate.
“Now, y’see, thisisis something else I jus don’t under-understand,” Simon said. He tried to enunciate each word clearly, and mostly succeeded. Simon squinted crossly at Jayne - who was still rock-solid sober, and grinning hugely at the inebriated doctor. “You… you’re big, granted. But…but…but yur… yur an ape. A hairy, trained ape.” He slumped further, and huffed out a huge sigh. “How come you gots the whole charmin’ gennleman luck thing goin’ with my siser, an’ I can’ even get Laylee… Kaykaykay… Kaywinnette to realize I’m alive?” He looked so morose and pitiful, Jayne couldn’t even get offended at the ‘ape’ jab. He was pretty much used to that from the doctor by now, anyway.
Mal had to guffaw at Simon’s statement, and Wash began to snicker. Even Shepherd Book chuckled, and clasped Simon’s shoulder companionably. “Son, Kaylee knows you’re alive. Trust us all on this one, young man, our gentle mechanic has definitely noticed you.”
Simon turned his sad gaze on the Shepherd. “Bu’ how can I make sure she sees me? I mean, should I be courtin’ her like Jayne did River? Would she wan me t’do that? Would she let me?”
Mal laughed even harder. “Doc, I gotta say, it be mighty noble of ya ta wanna court Lil’ Kaylee an’ all, but you’re a different kinda man than Jayne is. No offense, Jayne, but if’n the Doc ever gets offa his pigu long enough t’ ask Kaylee out on a date, ain’t nobody gonna be wantin’ ta rush out and string ‘im up ‘cause they question his inentions!”
Jayne snorted. “No offense taken. Don’t think the doc here knows what less than honorable intentions are, anyway. Kaylee’s gonna haveta tie this’n here down and have her wicked way with ‘im, if she wants ta get anywhere with ‘im.”
“Hey! Tha’s not a nice thing t’say ‘bout Kaylillalee!” Simon insisted, pointing imperiously at Jayne. “You had best retract that statement, you blute!”
Jayne and Mal looked at each other in confusion. “Blute?” Mal asked. “What the heck is a blute?”
“I think he meant to call Jayne a brute,” Wash inserted. He was by no means drunk, but the world was buffered by a warm, rosy glow. “Best ease off the trigger, there, hoss,” Wash cautioned the very drunk doctor. “You are in no shape to go challenging Jayne over Kaylee’s honor.”
Simon slewed his head around to peer owlishly at the blonde mechanic. “But I would,” he insisted. “I would take on the blute-fish man-ape with… with naked hands, if I had to. An’ don’t you forget it!” He shook another admonishing finger at the mercenary.
“Forget it? Heck, doc, I don’t even understand it!” Jayne insisted.
“Hey, Doc!” Mal suddenly piped up - the gleam of wickedness in his eyes. “You wanna make sure Lil’ Kaylee notices you? You gotta do somethin’ big an’ flashy! Somethin’ ain’t nobody ever gonna forget!”
He had the doctor’s undivided attention at this point. “Like what?”
“I dunno,” Mal said. “Maybe stand on the docks and sing ‘er a song, or stand up in front of a crowd and read her some poetry. Something ain’t nobody gonna forget no time soon!”
“Hey! You could run up and down the docks wearing a big sandwich board that said ‘I love you, Kaylee’!” Wash exclaimed excitedly. “That’d sure get people talking!”
Jayne nearly choked on his tongue when he snorted at the mental picture that created. “It’d sure ‘nough get people sayin’ something!” he agreed. “I wouldn’t have the balls t’ do it, that’s for sure!”
Simon pulled himself as completely erect as he could, and glared down his nose at the laughing mercenary. “Well, then we’ll just have to prove I have balls,” he said, very precisely. “Wash, go fetch me a sandwich.”
Now Book began to grow concerned. “Gentlemen, let’s not do anything too hasty that someone is going to regret in the morning,” he cautioned, trying to catch hold of Wash before the younger man could dart away.
“Oh, don’t worry so much, Shepherd,” Mal said, catching the older man’s arm. “We won’t let ‘im get hurt none. I mean, look at ‘im. Ya really think he’s even gonna be able ta make it off the bay, shape he’s in? It’ll be funny!” Book looked dubiously at the captain, having had some experience with the man’s so-called sense of humor. “Relax. We’ll dress ‘im up, take a couple captures, then tease ‘im with ‘em tomorrow, when he sobers up. It’ll be fine!”
It was a few minutes before Wash came back with several thin pieces of plywood that were left overs from some shipping crates that had been received, a few lengths of twine, and a can of paint. Mal and Jayne held the capture while they filmed the two inebriated young men trying to fabricate a functional sandwich board. What they wound up with was two narrow 1 x 8 planks with twine straps that fitted over Simon’s shoulders, and the words “Luv U Kayleleleee” printed in crooked, vertical letters down the front and back. “Kaylee” had been spelled differently on both sides. You pretty much had to know what it was meant to say to be able to understand what it actually said.
When the hour of truth arrived, Simon held up a hand in refusal. “No. I won’t wear it like that,” he announced. Wash looked disappointed. He’d worked hard at spelling ‘Kaylee’ - and he was sure they’d gotten one too many ‘l’s, but it still looked nice. “Nope, it just won’t do. The whole point of this exercise is to prove I have balls. Like Jayne.”
“Okay, so watcha gonna do, doc?” Jayne asked. It was all he could do not to wet himself, watching the doctor’s drunken antics.
“I’m going to show you an everbody else that I gots balls.” Simon nodded once, definitively, and began to unbutton his vest.
When Mal realized exactly what the doctor was planning to do, he had to sit down. Except… he wasn’t actually close enough to a shipping crate, and landed plop on his butt on the bay floor. All things considered, it was probably safer for him after all. He was laughing so hard by this point, Jayne had to rescue the capture, and Mal keeled over onto his side and held his ribs against the pain of laughing.
Book shook his head in exasperation. Short of knocking the young doctor out, there was nothing he could do to talk the young man out of his “brilliant” plan, and he watched with dread as the determined suitor struggled to remove his pants - without first removing his shoes. Amazingly enough, the doctor hopped around repeatedly on first one foot, then the other, and never completely lost the war with gravity. Straightening his shoulders with as much dignity as he could muster, the doctor extended his arms for Wash.
“You may now present the board of declaration,” he intoned. Wash snickered, and settled the make-shift sign over the doctor’s tousled head and pale shoulders. The planks were just wide enough to cover the good doctor’s assets, but there was no doubt at all to anyone who saw him that there was nothing under that little sign except that with which God had graced him. And a pair of shiny shoes and black socks.
The doctor gripped the edges of the sandwich board in both fists, and turned to face the cargo bay doors. “Open the doors, Wash, let’s get this over with. I have a point to make.”
Wash moved to comply. Mal tried to wave the blonde pilot back, but he was laughing so hard, breathing was becoming a genuine concern. Jayne made no move to stop him, and Book - for all that he had been the voice of reason throughout the entire episode - froze. He never thought they’d make it this far, and now that it seemed they were about to take the penultimate step towards Simon’s total humiliation, his brain simply ceased the ability to function, and he couldn’t move.
With grinding finality, the cargo doors open and the ramp lowered. Simon began taking deep breaths, in preparation of his mad sprint up and down the docks.
“Husband, how did you know we were back?” Zoe asked, startling them all. Wash jumped a foot, and Simon took a reeling step backward. Book heaved a deep sigh and offered up a prayer of thanksgiving that disaster had been so narrowly averted.
“Lamby-toes! You’re home!” Wash exclaimed cheerfully, bounding down the ramp to seize his much taller wife in a tight embrace. He swept her into a deep dip, and kissed her deeply.
“I should go shopping more often if I’m going to get that kind of welcome home,” she said with a smile. “Have you been drinking?”
“Yep!” Wash agreed happily. “I suck at horseshoes, by the way. Did you ladies have fun?”
“Oh, yeah, we had…” Kaylee began, then she caught sight of Simon, who was smiling at her beatifically. “Uh… Simon?” she began, trying real hard not to laugh. “Whatcha doin?”
“Proving a point. I have balls,” he announced decisively.
“Everybody can see that, sweetie,” Kaylee agreed, nodding. “Whyfore aintcha got clothes on?”
Simon lowered his gaze, and looked up at Kaylee through his lashes. “Had to prove a point. I wanted to make sure you noticed me. I like you. A lot. And I have no idea how to make sure you understand that.”
Kaylee melted on the spot. “Oh, Simon! That is the sweetest thing anybody’s almost done for me! But you don’t really gotta go streakin’ on the docks to prove that to me.”
“So you believe I have balls?” he asked hopefully.
Inara had one hand clamped tightly over her mouth, and one arm wrapped tightly around her stomach to stifle the giggles that were trying to break free. Zoe had her face buried in Wash’s shoulder, her entire body shaking with silent mirth. River, at the back of the group, sighed and rolled her eyes at her brother, and shook her head at Jayne. Jayne still held the capture, and never stopped filming the entire episode.
“Simon, sweetie, me an’ everybody else knows for a fact you got balls, now,” Kaylee reassured him. She stepped over beside him, and looped her arm through his elbow. “Why don’t we go back to your bunk and put the sign away, then you can get some sleep. How’s that sound?”
Simon nodded agreeably. “I like that.” He began to trail along with her unresisting. “Will you tie me to the bed and have your wicked way with me now?”
The mechanic actually stumbled at that point.
Mal sprawled flat on his back, gasping for breath, as Inara walked over to where he lay, and peered down at him. Her eyes were twinkling with mirth, and her lips pulled into a broad, genuine smile. “Do we have you to thank for this?” she asked the recumbent captain.
Mal shook his head. “Nope. I just wanted ta get him a little drunk, and see if we could get him ta serenade Lil’ Kaylee from the catwalks. Wash suggested the sandwich board - but the doc came up with the streakin’ idea all on his lonesome.”
Inara shook her head in bemusement. “We can’t even leave you men alone for an hour, without you getting into trouble!”
Mal grinned. “That’s cause we’re easily bored and too smart for our own goods. You’re really very beautiful when you laugh. I should get the doc naked more often if’n it’s gonna make you laugh like this.”
Inara smiled and shook her head once more, offering her hand down to help Mal to his feet.
“I feel that I have failed in my duties as the sober one of the group,” Book sighed, gathering up Simon’s scattered clothing. “Trying to deal with a drunk Simon is much like trying to deal with a force of nature.”
“It’s okay, Shepherd,” Zoe told him, still chuckling. She was intertwined with Wash, and the couple were moving slowly towards the depths of the ship. “When the captain’s in a mischief-makin’ mood, nobody can stand in his way.”
Jayne turned the capture on River. He whistled softly through his teeth. “I must say, Miss Tam, you are lookin’ fair lovely this evenin’,” he told her, panning the camera up and down her height.
The ladies had found a slate blue, long-sleeved dress that complimented River’s natural coloring, and was set off by a pair of low-slung short heeled sandals. Her hair had been set in soft waves, and a minimum of make-up emphasized her natural beauty instead of covering it up. River blushed prettily and smiled at the compliment.
“Will look better when not viewed through refractive glass and reversing lenses,” she told him.
Jayne pulled back from the capture’s viewpiece, and frowned at her. “Wha?”
Book chuckled. “Put the camera down, son. Your lady fair is waiting,” the older shepherd chastised gently.
“Oh, right!” Jayne jerked, understanding. He passed the camera to Book. “Thank’s Shepherd. I won’t keep her out too late, promise,” he said, striding over to River.
Surreptitiously, Book turned the still-running capture onto the couple. “I’m sure you’ll be fine, Jayne,” he murmured, watching the by-play between the two.
Jayne offered a small bow from the waist, and extended his arm to River. Smiling, River tucked her small hand into the crook of his elbow, and the pair strode off back down the ramp, and into the crowd around the docks. As they disappeared into the crowd, Book turned off the capture and walked over to close up the ramp. With a happy smile, he scanned the milling crowds as the doors closed.
“I think you’ll both do just fine,” he said, to no one in particular.