whoo..post

[dragoneer]

Fucking Mark, man...i still feel bad that he went and told everyone what i did.

Yeah, so I tried suicide again...And i'll probably do it again too...and again, until I finally rid myself of my life in this reality, with no one and nothing except a handful of friends that i can't even see..

Because I can't control my actions anymore

Comments

Conditions...

[ddreslough]

I'm intrigued by your quote "Because I can't control my actions anymore." For me, that's exactly what deep clinical depression has always been like. Like my arms are stuck in molasses, and my spirit just refuses to even try anymore. But, speaking as someone who's had to come out of two major depressions, I hope you can eventually believe me when I say "This is a medical condition, and you can manage it." I just hope your mother and friends have hooked you up with a good doctor/hospital. In the same way someone who's just woken up from a major operation or heart attack can think it's the wrong year, can barely remember their own name or be paranoid or otherwise unable to function at 100% mental capacity, a person emerging from a very serious depression can be unable to think straight, and certainly won't be ready to think positively. In the same way one wouldn't expect a person who'd just woken up from a major heart attack to take total responsibility for caring for themselves and healing themselves, I hope no one expects you to "tough this out" and somehow magically fix yourself in any way. You have a condition - like diabetes or heart disease or any other major illness - being depressed is not something people have a choice about, or control over. It has to be worked on both through medications and therapy, most often...you can't just *poof* change your mind about being depressed that I know of. So, I hope no one in your life has that false expectation for you.

I hope some day you and I can sit together over coffees and compare notes about how we worked through our depressions... I can only speak from my own experience, but I found within the cacophony of my inner voices during my worst times that there was one wise, ancient voice who always had the right advice. I hope you can find that guardian spirit in yourself and ally yourself with it. *hugs*