(no subject)
Time for one of THOSE posts. You know the ones. The 'woe is me' ranting rambling ones.
So it's been a while since I've been away from the job. Been a while since I figured I'd try going it without certain pills, too. Been alright in the past. But now...
It's all kicking back in. My brain's going to hell. Can't stop feeling like I'm just one big failure; can't stop resenting the past and all the mistakes I've made.
And lately it's been getting worse. Seriously worse. God I wish I had a save file of my life when I was 22... suppose everyone does. (Well, insert appropriate age here.)
Doesn't help much that the folks who are around all the time are my parents. The only people I can get a hug off are the ones I can't help but resent.
Now, I know there are things I ought to be doing to fix it. I need to motivate myself to do 'em.
I need to get out and about. This is a thing I know. But where to? Where I live is - well, there's nothing here that I know that interests me.
I need to get away from just hanging around online. I don't know if it counts as 'addicted' or not. Might well do. (Here, once again, we have the reason I don't play MMOs! I'd be even worse!) But: see point above. What else to do? Where else to go?
Get a job. Sure. Easier said than done, if one of my definitions for acceptable job is something that won't drive me home in tears like my last one did.
So much I need to do. But trying to get myself to do them... hell. When I'm not in a black mood like this, the motivation's gone. Things just start to coast. And when I am in a mood like this, I'm in no fit state to make decisions.
(Well, perhaps one. Those pills might put me in a flat mood. But I'm feeling flattened as it is half of the time anyway...)
So it's been a while since I've been away from the job. Been a while since I figured I'd try going it without certain pills, too. Been alright in the past. But now...
It's all kicking back in. My brain's going to hell. Can't stop feeling like I'm just one big failure; can't stop resenting the past and all the mistakes I've made.
And lately it's been getting worse. Seriously worse. God I wish I had a save file of my life when I was 22... suppose everyone does. (Well, insert appropriate age here.)
Doesn't help much that the folks who are around all the time are my parents. The only people I can get a hug off are the ones I can't help but resent.
Now, I know there are things I ought to be doing to fix it. I need to motivate myself to do 'em.
I need to get out and about. This is a thing I know. But where to? Where I live is - well, there's nothing here that I know that interests me.
I need to get away from just hanging around online. I don't know if it counts as 'addicted' or not. Might well do. (Here, once again, we have the reason I don't play MMOs! I'd be even worse!) But: see point above. What else to do? Where else to go?
Get a job. Sure. Easier said than done, if one of my definitions for acceptable job is something that won't drive me home in tears like my last one did.
So much I need to do. But trying to get myself to do them... hell. When I'm not in a black mood like this, the motivation's gone. Things just start to coast. And when I am in a mood like this, I'm in no fit state to make decisions.
(Well, perhaps one. Those pills might put me in a flat mood. But I'm feeling flattened as it is half of the time anyway...)