Crossover Fic: Batman/Muppet Show
Written for beatrice_otter as part of a fandomaid auction! (And thank you for being so patient!)
Fandom: DC Comics /Muppet Show
Title: An Offer He Couldn’t Refuse
Author: dragonbat2006
Words: 6935
Rating: PG
Pairings: Genfic
Summary: Batman’s hunt for two escaped criminals leads him somewhere he never expected to be; not even in his wildest nightmares.
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Thanks to Luke and PJ for the beta!
A/N: I’m more an Arnold Wesker fan than a Peyton Riley fan. I’m taking the tack that Wesker remained alive after Blackest Night. For more info on Stringleshanks, check out Zatanna issues 9, 10, and 11.
A/N: Swedish Chef scene would not be possible without using the Dialectizer to convert English into his... dialect. The Chef’s recipe is NOT fictional.
An Offer He Couldn’t Refuse
“He insists on speaking with you.” Jeremiah Arkham sounds decidedly put out. “Normally, of course, I’d dismiss the request out of hand, but seeing as you’re here...”
Batman glowers. “Where is he?”
Arkham coughs. “In his cell. I trust you know the way?”
He barely bothers to nod. “Turn off the recording devices. I’ll tell you if he has anything significant to relate.” His cape swirls about him as he spins on his heel and strides briskly down the hallway.
“And he was mooning over her for weeks,” Wesker continues tearfully. “I tried and tried and tried to dissuade him, but he up and left me in pursuit of the... er... lady of his admirations.”
Batman tries not to smile, but his lips twitch fractionally. “And just how did... Mr. Scarface manage to do that?” he asks dryly.
“I’m afraid he was led astray by an evil companion,” Wesker confesses. “One who recently dealt with a colleague of yours, I believe. Does the name ‘Stringleshanks’ mean anything to you?”
Batman’s face darkens. Of course it does. He’d brought the puppet here as a special favor to Zatanna. Obviously, he hadn’t been able to advise Jeremiah-trying to explain to the asylum director that he needed to lock up a murderous criminal who had been magically transformed into a wooden puppet would not have gone well. Instead, he’d locked Stringleshanks into a wooden chest and stashed the chest on the top shelf of a closet in one of the group therapy rooms, hoping that the puppet might get some benefit by overhearing the sessions. Evidently someone must have found the chest and opened it. His frown deepens. Had someone known how to reanimate the puppet... or had it been playing possum?
“So,” he continues, “Stringleshanks was a...” He can’t quite believe he’s saying this, “...bad influence on Scarface.”
Wesker nods. “It seems he had rather a magical effect on him. I will say that I’d never seen Mr. Scarface so lively until Stringleshanks entered his life.”
Batman’s jaw drops. “You’re not telling me that Scarface...?”
Wesker nods. “He’s run off! And this time, he’s left me behind.” Wesker fumbles in his pocket. “I found this under his pillow,” he says, handing Batman a glossy photograph.
Batman’s lips twitch once more. “This is the woman, he’s gone to find?” He rolls his eyes. At least, he has a fairly good idea where to start looking for this one.
Finding the theatre is easy. Finding a parking space for the Batmobile is easier than usual. It seems as though the show doesn’t attract many crowds-or willing guests. In fact, when he slips in through the stage door, it is to hear a harried voice say, “B-but you can’t back out, now! Your fans will... your fans are watching... MTV. But you signed a-oh yeah? Well, maybe I will talk to your lawyers! We’ll just see about... Hello? Hello!” There is a sigh and then the sound of a receiver being returned to its cradle.
Batman draws nearer to the small green frog, who is now slumped over his desk, his face crumpling as he lowers it to his flippers. From the sound of it, the frog is already having a bad day. Batman feels the tiniest regret that he’s about to make it worse
“Well,” the frog says glumly, apparently talking to himself, “we’re fifteen minutes away from opening, and our guest star just cancelled. Now what?”
“Kermit the Frog?” Batman steps out from the shadows.
Kermit whirls around. “Kermit the Frog he--Hey! I know who you are. You’re B-Batman! And... And you can save tonight’s show! We need a guest star and-“
“Hold it.” This conversation seems about to take an extremely distasteful turn. He holds out a hand in a placating gesture. “Look. As much as I’d like to help you out-”
“And... and you can!” Kermit seizes the hand and pumps it energetically. “Because that’s what you heroes are all about. You help people. If you go on tonight, you’ll-”
“I...” Batman tries to let him down gently. “I don’t make public appearances. For that, you want someone more like Booster Gold.”
Kermit gulps and inclines his head toward the phone. “Um, Batman? That was Booster Gold.”
Batman sighs inwardly. Then it occurs to him that he’s been trying to come up with a cover that will allow him to poke about and ask questions without arousing suspicion. Kermit is handing him a golden opportunity. With a mental sigh of surrender, he shakes the flipper more firmly. “I’ll do it.”
IT’S THE MUPPET SHOW, WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL GUEST STAR... THE BATMAN!!!!!!!
As the opening number begins to play, two wooden puppets hiding backstage exchange shocked stares. “The... Gatman?” repeats the one in the zoot suit. “You has got to tell me that I did not hear that amphiggian announce the Gatman.”
“Calm down,” mutters his redheaded companion in topcoat and tails. “I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with us.”
“You don’t know him very well, do you?” Scarface snaps back. “If he’s here, it’s ‘cuz my old mouthpiece sicced him on me. Doesn’t anyone ever stay dead in dis crazy world anymore?”
“Oh, I think we can take steps to arrange that,” Stringleshanks replies with an ominous smile. “Hear that? The theme song’s almost finished-there goes the purple thing with the horn now-which means the frog’ll be onstage in a moment, and then maybe we’ll figure out what’s really going on. Just keep your voice down or they’ll hear us.”
“Okay,” says Scarface, “let’s hope you’re right. Or,” his hand moves menacingly to his Tommy gun, “I gots a gullet in here wid your name on it.”
As a sound not unlike the mating call of the humpback whale emerges from Gonzo’s horn, Kermit bounds out onstage in front of the main curtain.
“Thank you, thank you,” he gushes, “hi ho and WELCOME to the Muppet show! Tonight, while I’m sorry to say that Booster Gold will NOT be performing...”
“Awwwwwwww!” the audience choruses in disappointment.
“...I’m happy to say that we do have a last-minute replacement. Yes, tonight, our special guest is none other than... BATMAN!”
There is an instant of stunned disbelief. Then the crowd starts to cheer.
Kermit beams. “And he’ll be out on stage in just a few minutes. But first, I want to ask you to please! Put your hands together as our very own Miss Piggy bids good morning... to Baltimore.
The curtain opens to sustained applause. Miss Piggy is sitting in a bedroom. She is wearing a sweater and plaid skirt. Her hair has been teased into a bouffant style. The band strikes up a sixties rock beat as she begins to sing:
PIGGY
Oh, oh, oh
Woke up today
Feeling the way I always do
Oh, oh, oh
Hungry for something
That I can't eat
Then I hear that beat
The rhythm of town
Starts calling me down
(PIGGY moves out of the bedroom set and downstage, where she is joined by the MUPPETS ENSEMBLE. She continues to sing.)
It's like a message from
High above
Oh, oh, oh
Pulling me out
To the smiles and the
Streets that I love
PIGGY (& ENSEMBLE)
Good morning Baltimore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony
Good morning Baltimore
And some day when I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me
PIGGY (primping before the audience)
Oh, oh, oh
Look at my hair
What "do" can compare with mine today?
Oh, oh, oh,
I've got my hairspray and radio
I'm ready to go
(RIZZO and the RATS come onstage and dance the Madison around PIGGY)
The rats on the street
All dance round my feet
They seem to say
RATS
"Piggy, it's up to you"
PIGGY
So, oh, oh
Don't hold me back
'Cause today all my dreams will come true
Good morning Baltimore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony
Good morning Baltimore
And some day when I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me
I know every step
I know every song
I know there's a place where I belong
I see all those party lights shining ahead
So someone invite me
Before I drop dead!
ENSEMBLE
Before she drops dead!
PIGGY
So, Oh, Oh
Give me a chance
'Cause when I start to dance I'm a movie star
Oh, oh, oh
Something inside of me makes me move
When I hear the groove
My ma tells me no
But my feet tell me go!
It's like a drummer inside my heart
Oh, oh, oh
Don't make me wait
One more moment for my life to start...
ENSEMBLE
Good morning, good morning
Waiting for my life to start
PIGGY (& ENSEMBLE)
I love you Baltimore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony
And I promise Baltimore
That some day when
I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me...
ENSEMBLE
Yes, More Or Less We All Agree
PIGGY
Baltimore and me...
ENSEMBLE
Someday the world
Is gonna see
PIGGY
Baltimore and me!
The curtain comes down and the audience applauds.
As the final notes of the song end, Scarface leans forward, his chin in his hands, and a goofy expression on his face. “What a doll,” he enthuses. “What a doll!”
Stringleshanks yawns. “Just give her the flowers already,” he says in a bored tone. “It’s really getting tedious just watching you moon over her each night.”
“Huh?” Scarface looks down at the bouquet in his hand, his courage draining rapidly as Piggy returns from her number. Scarface takes a step forward, holding the bouquet in one hand while doffing his hat with the other. Piggy sails past, oblivious.
Scarface heaves a great sigh.
Stringleshanks rolls his painted eyes. “You do need to be a little quicker on the draw, my friend,” he drawls.
“Great number, Piggy!” Kermit enthuses as Piggy sweeps regally up the stairs toward her dressing room.
Piggy turns at the top of the stairs. “Thank you, Kermee!” she coos. Then she drops the sugary tone to snarl at a bespectacled elderly Muppet, “Get this junk out of my hair-it feels like shellac!” The gray-haired woman nods and follows Piggy mutely into the dressing room.
Batman emerges from a shadowy corner. “I need to talk to you,” he rasps. “I’m looking for-”
“Your sheet music!” Kermit exclaims. “I’m sorry; it’s just been so hectic back here... um... um... Scooter!”
Scooter sprints forward eagerly. “You called?”
Kermit nods. “Scooter, get Batman the sheet music for ‘My Time of Day’. Who’s our next act?”
“Right away, Boss!” he says, dashing off again.
“Scooter, wait! The next number?”
“I just told you! The Rideaway Boys. Back in a jiffy!”
As Kermit heads for the wings, Batman looms in front of him. “Frog...”
Kermit sidesteps. “Sorry, Batman. I have to go out and introduce the next number. And don’t worry,” he says warmly. “You’ll be fine!”
Kermit bounds out to the stage leaving a frustrated Batman shaking his head. “That wasn’t my worry...”
“And now,” Kermit announces, “please welcome... The Rideaway Boys.”
The curtain rises on a 5-piece band. The mauve-skinned Muppets sport Elvis-style pompadours and wear checkered shirts and jeans.
“Ok,” says the one in the centre. “A one and a two and a...”
The band strikes up a rock-country beat.
Two wheels a turnin'
One girl a yearnin'
Big motor burnin' the road
I'll ride the highway
I'm going my way
I'll leave a story untold...
Scarface watches in disbelief from the wings. “What’re those lugs doing up on stage? Where’s my dame?”
Whatever Stringleshanks is about to say dies on his lips. “Get back. Now! Batman’s coming!”
The two puppets drop to the ground and roll under the heavy curtains. Once backstage, they hide behind one of the large set pieces.
Batman enters the wings a split-second later. His eyes narrow at the curtain hem. He can’t be positive in the dim light, but it looks as though the dust has been disturbed. He frowns. There shouldn’t be any dust backstage. They really need to fire their janitor. Alfred would never let them hear the end of it.
He examines the curtain, looking for an opening. Too soon, the Rideaway Boys’ song comes to an end-and with it, his hope to resolve his case before he’s forced to... perform. He heaves a mental sigh. If Plastic Man is in the audience, the League will have copies of this by dinner time. If Gardner is? They’ll be waiting at the stage door with autograph books and huge smirks. Batman tries to focus on the task at hand, but one corner of his mind is hard at work devising ways to pay Booster back for putting him into this situation.
He scowls. He’s been concentrating on reading the music for the last few minutes. He hasn’t so much as glanced at the lyrics. With some trepidation, he does so now. His eyebrows lift. These... these aren’t anywhere near as insipid as he’d thought. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
The curtain comes down and Kermit comes out on stage. “Thank you, thank you! And now: the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, the Batman sings about his time of day.”
The curtain opens on a wide quiet city street. There is a crescent moon in a starry sky. Street lamps cast a glow on the pavement. A few Muppet passersby are already on stage, strolling along as the music begins. Batman enters from the wings at stage left. Jan walks alongside, her hand resting in the crook of his elbow.
BATMAN
My time of day is the dark time
A couple of deals before dawn
When the street belongs to the cop
(FOZZIE walks by in a police uniform. Passing BATMAN, he touches his night-stick to his cap in a salute)
And the janitor with the mop
(BEAUREGARD comes by in the other direction, mopping the stage as he goes.)
And the grocery clerks are all gone.
When the smell of the rain-washed pavement
Comes up clean, and fresh, and cold
And the streetlamp light
Fills the gutter with gold
That's my time of day
My time of day
And you're the only doll I've ever wanted to share it with me.
(The melody continues as Batman waltzes with JAN centre stage. A street lamp shines a solitary spotlight on the couple. The other Muppets pair off and dance upstage in the shadows. The instrumental ends and BATMAN and JAN turn out and face the audience. Batman has almost forgotten them. Now he sees that they are leaning forward, eagerly drinking in the show. A genuine smile passes briefly across his lips and he continues.)
BATMAN
That's my time of day
My time of day
And you're the only doll I've ever wanted to share it with me.
They freeze as the music stops. The curtain descends to tumultuous applause.
Backstage, Kermit is beaming. “That was great!” He enthuses. “Batman, you’re a natural. I-”
“Not so loud,” Batman hisses. “I have a reputation which I have worked long and hard to build, and which you... and this show... are not helping!”
“B-b-but...”
Batman places a firm hand on the frog’s scrawny shoulder. “Listen, Kermit, I came here for one reason only: I am on the trail of two dangerous criminals, whom I have reason to believe are hiding out here in this theater.”
There is a loud squawk. “WHAAT?”
Frog and vigilante whirl to see a panicked Gonzo clustering a flock of chickens close.
Batman sighs. “Stay calm.” No point trying to explain to a Muppet that they have about as much chance of suffering permanent injury as Wile E. Coyote. “And don’t let anyone else know why I’m really here. Just cover for me if you see me investigating backstage, and above all, act normal.”
Gonzo’s eyes go wide. For a long moment, he stands staring at Batman in disbelief. The moment passes. “Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!” He and his panicked herd of hens hastily hotfoot past a hanging Hessian. Their howls are nearly heard by the house, but a frantic cue from Scooter strikes up the band just in time.
Batman scowls. “I said...”
“Um, Batman?” Kermit sighs, “For Gonzo? That was normal.” He looks toward the stage door. “Scooter, who’s out there, now?”
Scooter consults his clipboard as a chorus of boos are clearly heard. “Er... well, when you didn’t go on to announce the next act,” he gulps, “Um... Sam decided to save the day by,” he swallows hard. “By singing Salieri.”
Muppets and vigilante exchange horrified looks. Finally, Batman breaks the silence. “Does he expect me to save him?”
“Actually,” Scooter deadpans, “he’d probably think that a bat saving a patriotic eagle was vulgar.”
Batman’s lips twitch. “Point. I suppose,” he sighs, reminding himself that Muppets are a good deal more resilient than the people he usually protects, “in the interest of high culture, I should let nature take its course.”
“Oh, absolutely,” Kermit agrees. “So, Batman, I had this idea for an act coming up later in the show, and I was wondering... um... can you cook?”
Batman’s jaw clenches. “Absolutely not.”
“Wonderful! Then you and the Swedish Chef should get along perfectly!”
And now, Veterinarian’s Hospital. The continuing storrrrrrry of a quack who’s gone to the dogs.
Doctor Bob bursts through the operating room doors. “Nurse! Where’s my next patient?”
Nurse Piggy gestures vaguely at the temple in the middle of the room. There is a green sheet covering a large bulky figure. A few blue feathers are visible.
“Oh.” He chuckles. “I see him. Kind of hard to miss. So, what’s wrong with him?”
Sam the American Eagle sits up and looks around wildly. The eagle is filthy and bedraggled-his feathers spattered with vegetable residue. There is a cabbage leaf clinging cap-like to his cranium, and half a tomato is plastered on the curve of his beak. “Sir!” He exclaims. “I demand to know what’s going on! Where am I? How did I get here?”
Doctor Bob leaned forward. “You mean you don’t remember? How long have you had amnesia?”
“I beg your pardon?” Sam straightens icily. “I do not have amnesia.”
Doctor Bob sighs mournfully. “You mean you don’t remember when you lost your memory. Pity. Ah, well, that’s what we’re here to fix. Nurse Jan, prepare the patient for surgery.”
“I... what?” Sam blusters. “Surgery! Preposterous. There’s nothing wrong with me, you... you quack!”
Doctor Bob frowns. “What was that?”
Sam is fuming. “Quack! Quack!”
Doctor Bob picks up Sam’s chart. “Patient looks like an eagle, but talks like a duck,” he says as he makes a notation.
Piggy’s eyes open wide. “But doctor... what should we do?”
Doctor Bob shrugs. “Let’s get him off the table and see who he walks like.”
Tune in next time, when you’ll hear Nurse Jan ask...
Jan cocks her head. “So if he walks like an eagle and he talks like a duck, is he still an endangered species?”
Doctor Bob pretends to think it over. “If he keeps singing Salieri to this crowd? Bet on it.”
Stringleshanks nudges Scarface. “She’s coming,” he says. “Get ready.”
Scarface nervously fumbles with the bouquet of flowers as Piggy sails toward them, wearing a frilly Victorian creation.
Just before she reaches the wings, she spins. “Ooooh, Kermie!” She exclaims, doubling back in his direction.
Kermit gulps. “Um... yes, Piggy?”
In response, she plants a kiss on one of his cheeks. “I just wanted to thank you for giving moi a musical number with Batman.”
“Oh?” Kermit relaxes. “Well, you’re welcome. I didn’t realize you wanted to do the scene that badly.”
“Oh yes, yes, of course I do!” Piggy gushes. “I mean, Kermie, nothing will ever come between toi et moi, but It’s not every day that a girl gets to perform opposite the Batman. He’s just so... so... tall, dark, and...” her voice lowers to a conspirational whisper “ha-ha-ha... handsome!” She giggles. “Thank you, Kermie!”
She sweeps off into the wings, past the stunned Scarface.
Stringleshanks sighs. “Tough luck, there, my friend.”
Stunned, Scarface lowers the bouquet. “Stop the press, she likes Gatman?” He asks in disbelief.
The curtains part. Piggy is seated on a rose-colored divan -the only piece of furniture on the set, apart from a baby grand piano and bench. Dry ice sends up mist. There is a wall of mirrors behind the divan and a large chandelier hangs overhead. Rowlf sits at the piano in tux and tails.
Batman enters from downstage right. He sees Piggy, stops, and begins to sing:
Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation ...
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination...
Silently the senses abandon their defences...
Piggy rises from the divan as the mist begins to part. Over the wall of mirrors, we see a starry sky. Slowly, she walks downstage singing:
Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendour...
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender...
Batman stretches out his hand to her. Piggy glides toward him eagerly as Batman continues:
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light
As their hands touch, Piggy joins him on the last line of the stanza:
And listen to the music of the night...
He sweeps Piggy off her feet. She half-swoons. Batman sings:
Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live as you've never lived before...
He sets Piggy gently on her feet. The two move an arms-length apart. Then Piggy glides toward him, as he sings:
Softly, deftly, music shall surround you...
Feel it, hear it, closing in around you...
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight -
the darkness of the music of the night.
As the music swells to a crescendo, Batman takes Piggy about the waist and lifts her. She raises her arms aloft. Batman sings:
Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world!
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!
Let your soul
Take you where you long to be!
He lowers her to the stage, singing gently:
Only then can you belong to me...
Backstage, Scarface savagely twists the heads of the flowers off of his bouquet.
Piggy dreamily sings:
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Batman’s voice is low, hypnotic:
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in to the power of
the music that I write - the power of the music of the night...
The two waltz together, then slowly drift backwards, toward opposite wings of the stage. Piggy exclaims:
You alone can make my song take flight!
And Batman stretches out his hand toward her again, as he implores:
Help me make the music of the night...
As the curtain falls to thunderous applause, Scarface is still ranting. “I thought it was gad enough she only has eyes for the frog. He don’t appreciate a high-class doll like her, no giggie. His loss. But if looking at her and Gatman together...” His painted expression hardened. “We gotta do something.”
“Gang way! Coming through!” Several stagehands bustle past the two puppets at a clip pushing various cooking appliances onto the stage.
From behind them, a voice calls, “Hey, someone tell the Swedish Chef it’s time for his act!”
“Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn. Bork! Bork! Bork!”
The Swedish Chef sings his song boisterously, while juggling two cleavers and a butcher knife. Batman stands next to him, wearing an apron and looking decidedly uncomfortable. On the last “Bork!” he tosses the utensils high in the air. Usually, they would bang against the hanging pots, but this time, three batarangs fly through the air and knock them helplessly to the ground.
The Swedish Chef looks stunned. For a moment, he chews on his fingernails. Then he recovers.
“Okey, zeen! In hunur ooff oooor speceeel gooest, zee Betmun, Bork! Tudey I'm gueeng tu shoo yuoo hoo tu meke-a frooeet bet suoop!”
Fruit bat soup? Batman’s jaw clenches. “Did you just say, what I think you said?” he asks.
“Eh. Prubebly nut. Um de hur de hur de hur-Bork-bork! Must peuple-a dun't theenk I'm seyeeng vhet I'm reelly seyeeng. Boot I joost celled oone-a ooff my culleegooes in Meecrunesia bork und he-a gefe-a me-a thees neeffty oozeenteec receepe-a fur frooeet bet suoop! Yuoo'll lufe-a it!”
“I’m sure,” Batman mutters, wondering how he’s going to get out of this one. He’s had Micronesian fruit bat soup before. He didn’t like it then, and he doubts he’ll ‘love’ it now.
Oblivious to his guest’s discomfort, the Chef continues, “Furst ve-a need tu essemble-a zee ingredeeents. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Su tu meke-a zee bet suoop, yuoo need tu hefe-a yuoor beseec bet-geenger,” he holds up a piece of ginger root shaped like a batarang, “und, Bork bork bork!.. ooh... a bet-ooneeun,” he holds up an unpeeled onion. Part of the peel has been cut away in the shape of a bat-symbol. The audience laughs. The Chef beams. Batman glowers. “Und ooff cuoorse-a,” the Chef says with mounting excitement, “zee peeece-a de-a reseestunce-a... three-a frooeet bets!”
The Chef holds up a large cage. Inside, trembling with fright, are three small, adorable, brown, furry bats.
“Save us,” one of them whimpers.
“Please!” another one chimes in.
The Chef laughs merrily. “Noo it seys here-a tu vesh zee bets vell,” he continues, “su vhet ve-a need tu du is geefe-a zeem a neece-a bet.”
“A bath,” Batman repeats, scarcely believing his ears. The Chef ignores him and keeps talking.
“Su I hefe-a thees beseen...” From below the counter, the Chef brings up a large metal basin, and he carries it over to the sink, keeping up a running commentary as the water runs. “Und I'm gueeng tu poot in sume-a verm veter, und,” he holds up a bag labelled ‘bath salts’, “sume-a sundelvuud bet selts...”
“Sandalwood?” He’s been captured by the Mad Hatter again, hasn’t he? This is all some sort of mind control hallucination.
The Chef is chuckling. “...Und sume-a neece-a boobble-a bet,” He holds up a bottle labelled ‘Bubble bath.’ Then he laughs. “Yes, thet's reeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Boobble-a bet fur zee frooeet bets. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ha ha ha. Ooh und I'd better set up zeese-a flooffffy tooels” he holds up some nicely-folded towels, “fur vhee zeey're-a reedy tu cume-a oooot. Um de hur de hur de hur. Noo... hey. Bork bork bork! Leettle-a gooys? Du yuoo vunt zee lefender suep oor zee soomer breeze-a?”
The bats look at each other in disbelief. Then they shrug as the band strikes up a number. The bats immediately pick up guitars and microphones and sing:
“There's nothin' like a summer breeze
Summer breeze makes me feel fine
Summer breeze makes me feel fine, fine
So fine
(So fine)”
With a smile, Batman unlatches the cage and invites the bats onto the counter to perform. The bats happily hop out, still singing,
“You've been like a summer breeze
There's nothin' like a summer breeze
You've been like a summer breeze
There's nothin' like a summer breeze
There's nothin' like a summer breeze
Summer breeze makes me feel fine
Blowin' through the jasmine in my mind.”
As the audience applauds, and the bats bow, Batman leans over them. “Fly,” he whispers. “Go. Now!”
The bats look at Batman. They smile. And then they soar from the counter. The Swedish Chef suddenly realizes that his main ingredient is out of reach.
“Bets!” He shrieks. “Cume-a beck leettle-a bets!” His voice takes on a pleading note. “I cun't meke-a zee suoop veethuoot yuoo! Bets?”
The bats circle once more around the kitchen. Then they soar out over the audience.
Batman watches. Then he turns to the Chef, who is slumped miserably over the counter. “I... think,” he says softly, “you may have been trying the wrong recipe.”
“Bork?”
Batman sighs. He walks over to the refrigerator. “Let’s see what else you have to work with.” He opens the fridge and looks inside. “Actually... this has possibilities. Chef?”
“Um gesh dee Bork?”
“Here,” Batman begins tossing various fruits over the open fridge door without looking. All land unerringly in the large basin. “Apples, cantelope, peaches, plums, grapes, orange, lemon, cherries...” he closes the fridge door, and walks back to the Chef. “There. Stick to plain fruit soup from now on,” he stalks off the set. As he enters the wings, he calls back, “...und leefe-a ell zee bets oooot oof it!”
There! That should ensure the Chef gets the message!
From up in the private box, Waldorf narrows his eyes. “I didn’t know Batman could speak Swedish.”
Statler frowns. “Who said he does?”
“Didn’t you just hear him?”
“I heard him talk to the Chef. That doesn’t mean he speaks Swedish!”
A shadow falls over the two hecklers as a dark form looms up behind them and intones, “Jag tala Svensk...”
Statler clutches at his heart.
Waldorf faints.
Batman smirks.
“...Und I'm elsu flooent in Cheff-speek. Isn't iferyune-a? Um gesh dee Bork.”
“Now’s your chance,” Stringleshanks urges. “She’s right there.”
Scarface gulps. “Wh-what do I say to her?”
Stringleshanks sighs. “You really should have thought of that first, my dear chum.” He nudges the other puppet forward.
Scarface takes a deep breath. “Okay, okay. Wish me luck. I’m gonna talk to her.”
“Um... Scarface? Maybe I should hold your Tommy gun?” Stringleshanks shakes his head. “You might give her the wrong idea.”
Scarface hesitates. “Oh, no!” He says finally. “I seen youse eyeing dis piece ever since we left Arkham. It stays wid me! I’ll just need to conceal it.” He thinks for a moment. Then his eyes light up as he spies an empty guitar case that someone has conveniently left lying around and places the gun inside. He then runs off to talk to Piggy.
Stringleshanks watches him go. All at once, he freezes in horror. “Scarface!” He whispers. “Your case! It’s open!”
“Oh. Hello, there. I’m Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and we’re here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Now with me today is my assistant, Beaker...”
“Mememememe!” Beaker pipes up.
“...And the Batman.”
Batman tries to smile. He almost succeeds.
“Now, Batman,” Honeydew says warmly, “we’ve been racking our brains to come up with new devices to make your job easier. For example,” he holds up a transistor radio. There is a batarang nailed to it. “We’ve created a radio homing signal so that you will always be able to retrieve those pesky throwing bats of yours.”
Batman clears his throat. “Actually,” he begins, “I-”
“I know,” Honeydew says. “You’re afraid to sacrifice your outmoded technology for Muppet innovations. But, there’s no need to worry. Our ‘radiorangs’ are perfectly safe. Watch. Beaker will demonstrate.”
Beaker’s eyes roll up fearfully. “Meemee?”
Honeydew nods. “Yes, Beaker. Why don’t you walk over there, away from the delicate experiments... just over by that nice big bulls-eye? That’s right... move along. Oh, and when you get there, why don’t you place this nice big cantaloupe on your head?”
Beaker whimpers as he takes the cantaloupe and trudges nervously to the target area.
Batman frowns. Something is going on backstage. He can hear voices arguing softly. All at once, his frown deepens. He knows that voice! Scarface! That’s it. Show’s over. Wait...
“Now, Batman,” Dr. Honeydew is saying, “Compare. First, I want you to throw your trusty old batarang. Then, try the Muppet Labs radiorang.”
That’s when Piggy’s voice carries clearly onto the set. “What! You want me to turn my back on my Kermee? Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyah!”
Scarface tumbles out onto the set. As he does, his Tommy gun falls out of the open guitar case, hits the floor, and goes off, blasting a hole in the stage. Beaker faints. The audience gasps.
Batman looks at the batarang in his hand and tosses it at the curtain rope. The curtain falls.
“Now,” he begins menacingly, “Scarface...”
That’s when one of the ‘delicate experiments’ in the lab explodes, releasing a cloud of vapor and a dazzling pyrotechnic show.
Caught off-guard, Batman is momentarily blinded.
“Scarface!” Stringleshanks grabs his fallen companion. “Come on!”
“Where are we going?”
“I don’t know! Just follow me, fast! Before Batman recovers!”
Scarface jumps up. “Youse don’t gotta tell me twice!”
“Quick. Under here. I think this is the way out!”
Following Stringleshanks’ lead, Scarface drops to his elbows and knees and crawls in the direction indicated. “Um... Stringleshanks? It’s dark in here. Got a light?”
“Did someone say light?” A slow voice whispers. “Okay. One light coming up!”
Beauregard hits the spotlight. And Scarface and Stringleshanks realize that they are standing before the curtain on the stage apron.
The audience applauds.
Scarface grabs his companion’s arm. “What’s going on? Why are they clapping?”
“I think they think we’re the next act.”
“What?”
“Hey, um, ‘scuse me?”
The puppets look down toward the new voice. It appears to be coming from the orchestra pit. “Are you talkin’ ta us?” Scarface demands. “Are you talkin’ ta us?”
“Yeah,” Dr. Teeth says. “Just wondering what you’d like us to play. Seems like we never got your sheet music.”
Scarface shakes his head. “Nothin’ doin’. Let’s split.”
Stringshanks places a restraining hand on his arm. “Not so fast. Need I remind you of who we just left on the other side of this curtain? So far, Batman’s been trying to keep things quiet. I doubt he’s going to grab us in front of a live audience.” He bends down to the pit. “Tell me,” he says, “how’s your repertoire of Cole Porter songs?” He lowers his voice. “Would you perchance know...”
Dr. Teeth’s grin becomes even more pronounced. “Of course. A one and a two and a...”
The band begins to play a jaunty air. As the introduction ends, the two puppets face right. Stringleshanks places his hands on Scarface’s shoulders, and the two puppets sing:
The girls today in society go for classical poetry
So to win their hearts one must quote with ease
Aeschylus and Euripides
STRINGLESHANKS:
One must know Homer, and believe me, Beau
Sophocles, also Sappho-ho
SCARFACE:
Unless you know Shelley and Keats and Pope
Dainty Debbies will call you a dope
BOTH:
But the poet of them all
Who will start 'em simply ravin'
Is the poet people call
The Bard of Stratford on Avon
Brush up your Shakespeare
Start quoting him now
Brush up your Shakespeare
And the women you will wow
SCARFACE:
Just declaim a few lines from Othella
And they'll think you're a hell of a fella
STRINGLESHANKS:
If your blonde won't respond when you flatter 'er
Tell her what Tony told Cleopatterer
SCARFACE:
If she fights when her clothes you are mussing
STRINGLESHANKS:
What are clothes? Much ado about nussing
BOTH:
Brush up your Shakespeare
And they'll all kow-tow
Brush up your Shakespeare
Start quoting him now
Brush up your Shakespeare
And the women you will wow
STRINGLESHANKS:
With the wife of the British ambessida
Try a crack out of Troilus and Cressida
SCARFACE:
If she says she won't buy it or tike it
Make her tike it, what's more As You Like It
STRINGLESHANKS:
If she says your behavior is heinous
SCARFACE:
Kick her right in the Coriolanus
BOTH
Brush up your Shakespeare
And they'll all kow-tow
Brush up your Shakespeare
Start quoting him now
Brush up your Shakespeare
And the women you will wow
STRINGLESHANKS:
If you can't be a ham and do Hamlet
They will not give a damn or a damlet
Just recite an occasional sonnet
And your lap'll have honey upon it
SCARFACE:
When your baby is pleading for pleasure
Let her sample your Measure for Measure.
BOTH:
Brush up your Shakespeare
And they'll all kow-tow - Forsooth
And they'll all kow-tow - Thinkst thou?
And they'll all kow-tow - We trou'
And they'll all kow-tow
As the two finish the song, each feels a heavy hand clamp down on his shoulder. “You’re a long way from Gotham, boys,” Batman intones. The puppets slump. Game over.
Batman marches the two puppets backstage. Kermit is waiting. So are most of the other Muppets.
“Hey, great number, you two! I’m sorry I wasn’t out there to introduce you,” he gulps, “but somehow, your act isn’t on the program.” He glances over his shoulder. “Scooter, can you look into that?”
Scooter snapped to attention. “Sure thing, Boss!”
“They’re not part of the show,” Batman said. “These are the two I’ve been tracking. I need to get them back to Gotham immediately.”
It takes a moment for the words to sink in. Then Kermit yelps, “But... but you can’t! We’ve still got the grand finale and you have to be here for that! The guest star is always in the finale!”
Batman sighs. “Look. Kermit. Finding these two was the only reason I came here in the first place. Now that I’ve found them, I have to bring them in-before they have a chance to do anymore damage.”
“You mean,” Scooter exclaims, “you can’t stay even five minutes more?”
Batman shakes his head. “These are dangerous individuals. Every minute they’re loose is a minute when this city isn’t safe. I’m taking them home.”
“But Batman!”
SCOOTER
Staying home, living day by day
May be safe, but it can't be duller.
KERMIT
Seeing things only black and gray
When the world is alive with color.
FOZZIE
Doing just as your neighbors do
May be wise, but it ain't so clever.
GONZO
Every man has a dream or two
Let 'em go and they're gone forever.
MUPPET ENSEMBLE
Out there somewhere just out of sight.
There's a world that's blazing with light.
Ain't each man alive got the right?
GONZO
To stray just a mite from the straight and narrow,
Shoot through the night like a flaming arrow.
He isn’t sure exactly how it happens, but the Muppets move as one toward the wings. Batman, still keeping his grip on Scarface and Stringleshanks, is swept along with them. The curtain rises as the ensemble continues:
ENSEMBLE
Turning back should the highway bend
Turning down every chance you're given.
Takes the risk out of life, but friend
How the heck can you call that livin'?
Staying put in a pumpkin shell
Is a bleak and depressing habit.
There's a ring on the carousel
And it's yours if you'll only grab it.
FOZZIE
Out there somewhere just down the line.
PIGGY
Lies a world of glory and shine.
GONZO
One square foot there's gotta be mine.
SCOOTER
Once in his life every man decides
Once when he stands where the road divides
Once on a hill as the morning grows Once if he will he can see those...
ROWLF
Fires glow, flags streaming
KERMIT
Spires grow, towers gleaming
In a land where the dawn is clear
GONZO
In a sky where the sun's forever.
PIGGY
On a plain where it's spring all year
ENSEMBLE
And the dark of the night is never.
BATMAN’s grip doesn’t slacken. But without really meaning to, he joins in, his deep baritone blending harmoniously with the voices of the Muppets.
ENSEMBLE and BATMAN
Somewhere out there just out of sight
In that world that's shining with light.
Ain't each man alive got the right?
Once in his life to forget the past.
Once in his life to behold at last.
With his own two eyes what
Lies..Out..There!
The audience applauds--and keeps applauding for several minutes after the curtain descends.
The curtain rises again and Kermit moves apart from the ensemble and bounces up to the front of the stage. “Thank you, thank you! Well, we’ve come to the end of another show, BUT before we go, let’s have a wonderful round of applause for tonight’s special guest star, the Batman!”
The audience is only too happy to comply.
“It was really swell having you on the show,” Kermit gushes.
Batman’s lip twitch. “Thank you, Kermit,” he says. “I... actually did have a good time.” It’s what he’d meant to say all along-Alfred would never have let him hear the end of it, had he replied otherwise. He’s surprised, though, to realize that he actually means what he’s saying. He has had fun tonight. And Scarface and Stringleshanks are in his custody. All’s Well that Ends Well, indeed.
“Well that’s great! Maybe you can do another show the next time you’re in town.”
Batman bends down to Kermit’s level. “Don’t push it,” he warns, but his growl is a good deal less menacing than usual.
Kermit gulps anyway. “Just asking!” he says hastily. “And we’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
In a rare display of courtesy, Batman actually waits for the last toot of Zoot’s saxophone, before he hustles his captives out of the theatre and into the Batmobile. Next stop, Gotham City!
Song Credits (in order of appearance):
“Baltimore and Me” written by Scott Wittman and Marc Shaiman. Recorded by Marissa Jaret Winokur on the Hairspray original cast album (Sony, 2002).
“Ride Away” lyrics by Roy Orbison and Bill Dees. Recorded by Roy Orbison (MGM, 1965).
“My Time of Day” written by Frank Loesser. Originally performed by Robert Alda on the Guys and Dolls Original Cast album (Decca Broadway, 1950).
“Music of the Night” written by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Charles Hart. Recorded by Michael Crawford on the Phantom of the Opera Original Cast Album (EMI, 1986).
“Summer Breeze” written by Jim Seals and Dash Crofts. Recorded by Seals and Crofts on their Summer Breeze album (Warner, 1972).
“Brush Up Your Shakespeare” written by Cole Porter. From the Kiss Me, Kate original cast album (Columbia, 1948).
“Out There” written by Michael Stewart and Cy Coleman. Recorded by Jim Dale on the Barnum original cast album (Sony, 1980).