(no subject)
Shock, shock, horror, horror! An update! An actual update! Amazing, non?
I’m afraid this may turn into a monster of an update, so I think one of these may be in order:
That’s better. Now, if you’re reading this, you clicked the cut and I’m not responsible for any boredom, insanity or suicidal thoughts you have.
As I was just telling piperfan, I’m in a damned weird mood this evening! “Serenity” just doesn’t cover it-it’s like a perpetual moment of perfect clarity. Wish I could explain, but…everything just seems so simple, so easy, so unthreatening. It’s peace. :-)
But first, to bring everyone up to date! Split up with Sarah just before Christmas. As I’m in such a good mood, I may as well be totally honest. This was indeed one fucked up relationship. Smoked dope constantly throughout-a lot of dope! Sarah has some real problems and is totally psychologically addicted to the stuff. This was bad. Have now quit and am not having any cravings, so yay!
Sarah was…curious. She was pathologically jealous to the extent that most films we actually couldn’t watch because they had “pretty girls” in them. We also had the most horrendous fights, often until the early hours, which of course affected my performance in work-the job I love.
I’m also under the most ridiculous financial pressure. At the moment, I’m desperately juggling money back and fore before people start calling in bailiffs. Pretty much the whole time I was with Sarah, I was paying her rent for her as she couldn’t, buying all our food, supplying us with weed, paying the rent for my place and paying half my flatmate’s rent when he lost his job, as well as all the council tax. I think we can see where the financial problems have come from.
As it stands, I’m about 1,500 overdawn in the bank (and, as my overdraft is only £1,200…). I owe £900 on my one credit card that I’ve been unable to pay for several months-this one has been cancelled and action threatened and £200 on a new card (the max I can have on that), and I missed the first payment on that one too. Also owe Paypal £140.
Things have been difficult in my flat, too. One housemate, since I moved in, has been a complete arsehole (not the guy who couldn’t pay his rent). Showing me not only a total lack of respect, but actively putting me down, making comments-just being a total shit. Using my room like his own personal living room and just trashing the flat. Just before Christmas I finally lost it with him and the months of pent up anger came out. Luckily for him, he was in the shower behind a locked door at the time. This saved him. The poor bathroom door is not in such good nick.
Breaking up with Sarah was a hard thing to do, but I am glad I’ve done it. The guys in work guessed something had happened before I even said anything-as one woman put it “We just knew. Somehow, you got your sparkle back”. Which really brought tears to my eyes, because I knew exactly what she meant. This year has been very hard because I’ve been living in a hollow world, just going through the motions. It’s been hard to find joy in anything, and now it’s all flooding back.
Sarah’s not doing too good, and I feel guilty as hell for that. But, if I’m really honest, I think I only got into that relationship because I could see how shit her life was and I wanted to help her. I do have a bit of a compulsion with helping people, and the stuff she told me that night-I just wanted to protect her from that. But I really can’t solve those problems, and damn near wrecked myself trying. See above.
There. :-) That’s been me up ‘til now. Seems depressing as hell, no? Well, actually, yes, it was. And I must admit, not so long ago I did have one bad night where I felt I might go insane just keeping it all in my head. This was a bad night. But now…
But now! Everything’s sorting itself out, almost of it’s own volition. With Sarah gone, my money troubles seem to be shaping up a little bit. I’m no longer paying for her which removes a huge drain, and my flatmate’s housing benefits are gonna come through hopefully next week, so I’m no longer paying his half. He also owes me 290 of back money. I’m gonna get a second job (now I’m not being forbidden to), and so I’ll be able to (slowly, granted) sort out all this bloody debt!
Although I feel a little guilty for it being so soon, I’m also kinda seeing someone from work. Now I’m writing this at home with no ‘net connection, so I can’t check, but I think I mentioned her before. Really liked her since waaay back when she started work, but things just didn’t work out back then, and I met Sarah. Yeah…that’s going well. :-) And she’s really decent, you know? I know it may not sound like any great compliment, and I wouldn’t say it to her, but the best thing about her is I wouldn’t be embarrassed to introduce her to anyone. With Sarah (with them both, actually), I was always embarrassed to introduce them to people-the more I thought of the person, the more I’d worry, whether I admitted it to myself or not. But not now, which I think is quite a good thing…
Went over my brother’s tonight-first time for months. I missed my sister-in-law’s birthday and their anniversary simply because I was broke, literally broke and couldn’t afford to buy them anything or even go for a drink, and far too ashamed to admit this to them. Too ashamed to admit it to anyone, really. But it was so great! Really felt at home there-plus my brother is just an amazing guy. Oh, should any of you see the new arcade machine House of the Dead 4 around, anywhere in the world-he designed that cabinet. All the artwork on there is his-he did it all on his home system over a few days.
Not that that’s remotely believable, I suppose, but there you go. That’s why I like my brother-he’s someone I can really brag about! :-D
Also had a bit of a hard time coming back. In the car, he suddenly mentioned our dad (who died just after I turned 15, by the way). Just came out and asked if I missed him, did I think of him…
Now I’ve only recently begun to realise just how much my dad dying affected me. It sounds stupid, but I was surprised how little it seemed to affect me when it happened. I mean, I think I cried….twice? And don’t get me wrong, I really fucking loved my dad. He was…amazing. :-)
But only recently, as I’ve got older, it cuts how little I know of him. For virtually my entire life, I was a child around him, and he was some larger-than-life figure-Your Father! By the time I was just getting old enough to actually get to know him, he died. I never once went out drinking with my dad (girls, you may have to just take it from me, a big thing for most guys). Except for the memories I have that I can now re-examine through an adult perspective, I don’t know who he actually was. I don’t know how he thought, how he felt. I don’t know his philosophy, his morality, his outlook, his humour. I don’t know his hopes and dreams and fears. I don’t know what he’d have thought of me (although, reading above, I think he’d give me a good clip round the ear!).
So Mike just started telling me stuff-random things about my old man. His outlook in life, some of the things he did, how he saw the world. I had to smile-it was like he was describing me. I was very resolute and made sure I waited until Mike dropped me off and I got back into my room to cry like a baby-not that I ever have a problem crying in front of people, but just that once…
My life has changed so much in the last fortnight. Despite spending Christmas alone in my flat (how sad?!), it’s just been…well, new year, new start doesn’t seem like that much of a cliché any more! I’m feeling so much calmer, in control-invincible again! I became really quite withdrawn, but I’m starting to feel the old confidence seeping back. I seem to have a remarkably attractive girl interested in me, God knows how, am right back on top in the job, have rediscovered some of my amazing family and getting my money sorted out no longer seems inconceivable-merely a matter of time.
I’m actually playing guitar again, reading more, sleeping well-I’d forgotten how good life can be!
Sucks not to be me! :-D
I’m afraid this may turn into a monster of an update, so I think one of these may be in order:
That’s better. Now, if you’re reading this, you clicked the cut and I’m not responsible for any boredom, insanity or suicidal thoughts you have.
As I was just telling piperfan, I’m in a damned weird mood this evening! “Serenity” just doesn’t cover it-it’s like a perpetual moment of perfect clarity. Wish I could explain, but…everything just seems so simple, so easy, so unthreatening. It’s peace. :-)
But first, to bring everyone up to date! Split up with Sarah just before Christmas. As I’m in such a good mood, I may as well be totally honest. This was indeed one fucked up relationship. Smoked dope constantly throughout-a lot of dope! Sarah has some real problems and is totally psychologically addicted to the stuff. This was bad. Have now quit and am not having any cravings, so yay!
Sarah was…curious. She was pathologically jealous to the extent that most films we actually couldn’t watch because they had “pretty girls” in them. We also had the most horrendous fights, often until the early hours, which of course affected my performance in work-the job I love.
I’m also under the most ridiculous financial pressure. At the moment, I’m desperately juggling money back and fore before people start calling in bailiffs. Pretty much the whole time I was with Sarah, I was paying her rent for her as she couldn’t, buying all our food, supplying us with weed, paying the rent for my place and paying half my flatmate’s rent when he lost his job, as well as all the council tax. I think we can see where the financial problems have come from.
As it stands, I’m about 1,500 overdawn in the bank (and, as my overdraft is only £1,200…). I owe £900 on my one credit card that I’ve been unable to pay for several months-this one has been cancelled and action threatened and £200 on a new card (the max I can have on that), and I missed the first payment on that one too. Also owe Paypal £140.
Things have been difficult in my flat, too. One housemate, since I moved in, has been a complete arsehole (not the guy who couldn’t pay his rent). Showing me not only a total lack of respect, but actively putting me down, making comments-just being a total shit. Using my room like his own personal living room and just trashing the flat. Just before Christmas I finally lost it with him and the months of pent up anger came out. Luckily for him, he was in the shower behind a locked door at the time. This saved him. The poor bathroom door is not in such good nick.
Breaking up with Sarah was a hard thing to do, but I am glad I’ve done it. The guys in work guessed something had happened before I even said anything-as one woman put it “We just knew. Somehow, you got your sparkle back”. Which really brought tears to my eyes, because I knew exactly what she meant. This year has been very hard because I’ve been living in a hollow world, just going through the motions. It’s been hard to find joy in anything, and now it’s all flooding back.
Sarah’s not doing too good, and I feel guilty as hell for that. But, if I’m really honest, I think I only got into that relationship because I could see how shit her life was and I wanted to help her. I do have a bit of a compulsion with helping people, and the stuff she told me that night-I just wanted to protect her from that. But I really can’t solve those problems, and damn near wrecked myself trying. See above.
There. :-) That’s been me up ‘til now. Seems depressing as hell, no? Well, actually, yes, it was. And I must admit, not so long ago I did have one bad night where I felt I might go insane just keeping it all in my head. This was a bad night. But now…
But now! Everything’s sorting itself out, almost of it’s own volition. With Sarah gone, my money troubles seem to be shaping up a little bit. I’m no longer paying for her which removes a huge drain, and my flatmate’s housing benefits are gonna come through hopefully next week, so I’m no longer paying his half. He also owes me 290 of back money. I’m gonna get a second job (now I’m not being forbidden to), and so I’ll be able to (slowly, granted) sort out all this bloody debt!
Although I feel a little guilty for it being so soon, I’m also kinda seeing someone from work. Now I’m writing this at home with no ‘net connection, so I can’t check, but I think I mentioned her before. Really liked her since waaay back when she started work, but things just didn’t work out back then, and I met Sarah. Yeah…that’s going well. :-) And she’s really decent, you know? I know it may not sound like any great compliment, and I wouldn’t say it to her, but the best thing about her is I wouldn’t be embarrassed to introduce her to anyone. With Sarah (with them both, actually), I was always embarrassed to introduce them to people-the more I thought of the person, the more I’d worry, whether I admitted it to myself or not. But not now, which I think is quite a good thing…
Went over my brother’s tonight-first time for months. I missed my sister-in-law’s birthday and their anniversary simply because I was broke, literally broke and couldn’t afford to buy them anything or even go for a drink, and far too ashamed to admit this to them. Too ashamed to admit it to anyone, really. But it was so great! Really felt at home there-plus my brother is just an amazing guy. Oh, should any of you see the new arcade machine House of the Dead 4 around, anywhere in the world-he designed that cabinet. All the artwork on there is his-he did it all on his home system over a few days.
Not that that’s remotely believable, I suppose, but there you go. That’s why I like my brother-he’s someone I can really brag about! :-D
Also had a bit of a hard time coming back. In the car, he suddenly mentioned our dad (who died just after I turned 15, by the way). Just came out and asked if I missed him, did I think of him…
Now I’ve only recently begun to realise just how much my dad dying affected me. It sounds stupid, but I was surprised how little it seemed to affect me when it happened. I mean, I think I cried….twice? And don’t get me wrong, I really fucking loved my dad. He was…amazing. :-)
But only recently, as I’ve got older, it cuts how little I know of him. For virtually my entire life, I was a child around him, and he was some larger-than-life figure-Your Father! By the time I was just getting old enough to actually get to know him, he died. I never once went out drinking with my dad (girls, you may have to just take it from me, a big thing for most guys). Except for the memories I have that I can now re-examine through an adult perspective, I don’t know who he actually was. I don’t know how he thought, how he felt. I don’t know his philosophy, his morality, his outlook, his humour. I don’t know his hopes and dreams and fears. I don’t know what he’d have thought of me (although, reading above, I think he’d give me a good clip round the ear!).
So Mike just started telling me stuff-random things about my old man. His outlook in life, some of the things he did, how he saw the world. I had to smile-it was like he was describing me. I was very resolute and made sure I waited until Mike dropped me off and I got back into my room to cry like a baby-not that I ever have a problem crying in front of people, but just that once…
My life has changed so much in the last fortnight. Despite spending Christmas alone in my flat (how sad?!), it’s just been…well, new year, new start doesn’t seem like that much of a cliché any more! I’m feeling so much calmer, in control-invincible again! I became really quite withdrawn, but I’m starting to feel the old confidence seeping back. I seem to have a remarkably attractive girl interested in me, God knows how, am right back on top in the job, have rediscovered some of my amazing family and getting my money sorted out no longer seems inconceivable-merely a matter of time.
I’m actually playing guitar again, reading more, sleeping well-I’d forgotten how good life can be!
Sucks not to be me! :-D