so much for trust
Once again I find my self setting at my computer with tears running down my face. So much is going through my head…and most of it is so difficult to put into words.
I have gotten very good at hiding my depression from most people that even to few that I let close don’t know most of the time. At lest I can talk about Julie leaving me with out breaking down. And I longer feel ‘not being’ is the only way the pain and sadness is going to end. This from some one who doesn’t believe in suicide.
Looking back I wonder how I made it through November and December. Julie had threaten /promised that if I ever told any one who didn’t already know about her birth defect, that she would shoot me. I even want over to where Julie was at and she didn’t keep her promise. In reality not that I should of expected her to but it the time I had been up for over 36 hours and about as upset as I have ever been.
I still can’t believe I told Heather. Yes, Heather already knew as they had been sleeping in the same bed and some one had called her about it. And the fact that I had been awake most all the night crying because Julie went home early(around 10:30) from our date saying she was to tired, then calling me at 3am and she was out with Heather.
Some one that knew Julie had stopped and talked to me in the parking lot at work … which at that time I was crying every time I talked about Julie leaving me to move in with Heather. Any way to make a long story short, I expressed my feeling that Heather should know about Julies B.D and that I very much wanted Julie back in my life. This person came up to me a bit later as it seemed I dropped my cell phone when I left in walk into work. It wasn’t on lock but I don’t think to much of it at the time. Any way you look at it I feel some responsibility for her knowing.
When Julie called again that morning some thing in me snapped. I realized my desire to die was greater every time Julie came out to see me, forgot to call, etc. finding out that she had come out to the valley after telling me it was to far to come as she worked in the morning but couldn’t drive the few blocks from the post office to my house wake me to the fact if I let things continue like that I wouldn’t make it to Christmas alive. I wanted Julie back with all my heart and soul.
Watching her do the little things for Heather like call to let her know that she was on her way home or going to be a little late, wanting to rush back when Heather would call with some crisis, which was about every time Julie came out. All the little things Julie would not do for me… saying I was being unreasonable to want her to call if she was going to be late or expecting her to try to get home on time at lest half the time. Was like being stabbed in to back over and over again.
I am truly sorry for telling Heather I wasn’t suppose to know That heather knew and I should of fond some other way to make sure Julie would not want to talk to me. Looking back I could of gotten the same results by telling Tom or Tharon and just telling Julie that I talked to some one about her.
All I am sure of any more is that I love Julie with all my heart and soul, that I always will love her and that we will never be together. Julie isn’t one to forgive so I doubt we will even ever talk again.
So much for working on my abandonment issues. I had started to work on them and Julie left.
I have gotten very good at hiding my depression from most people that even to few that I let close don’t know most of the time. At lest I can talk about Julie leaving me with out breaking down. And I longer feel ‘not being’ is the only way the pain and sadness is going to end. This from some one who doesn’t believe in suicide.
Looking back I wonder how I made it through November and December. Julie had threaten /promised that if I ever told any one who didn’t already know about her birth defect, that she would shoot me. I even want over to where Julie was at and she didn’t keep her promise. In reality not that I should of expected her to but it the time I had been up for over 36 hours and about as upset as I have ever been.
I still can’t believe I told Heather. Yes, Heather already knew as they had been sleeping in the same bed and some one had called her about it. And the fact that I had been awake most all the night crying because Julie went home early(around 10:30) from our date saying she was to tired, then calling me at 3am and she was out with Heather.
Some one that knew Julie had stopped and talked to me in the parking lot at work … which at that time I was crying every time I talked about Julie leaving me to move in with Heather. Any way to make a long story short, I expressed my feeling that Heather should know about Julies B.D and that I very much wanted Julie back in my life. This person came up to me a bit later as it seemed I dropped my cell phone when I left in walk into work. It wasn’t on lock but I don’t think to much of it at the time. Any way you look at it I feel some responsibility for her knowing.
When Julie called again that morning some thing in me snapped. I realized my desire to die was greater every time Julie came out to see me, forgot to call, etc. finding out that she had come out to the valley after telling me it was to far to come as she worked in the morning but couldn’t drive the few blocks from the post office to my house wake me to the fact if I let things continue like that I wouldn’t make it to Christmas alive. I wanted Julie back with all my heart and soul.
Watching her do the little things for Heather like call to let her know that she was on her way home or going to be a little late, wanting to rush back when Heather would call with some crisis, which was about every time Julie came out. All the little things Julie would not do for me… saying I was being unreasonable to want her to call if she was going to be late or expecting her to try to get home on time at lest half the time. Was like being stabbed in to back over and over again.
I am truly sorry for telling Heather I wasn’t suppose to know That heather knew and I should of fond some other way to make sure Julie would not want to talk to me. Looking back I could of gotten the same results by telling Tom or Tharon and just telling Julie that I talked to some one about her.
All I am sure of any more is that I love Julie with all my heart and soul, that I always will love her and that we will never be together. Julie isn’t one to forgive so I doubt we will even ever talk again.
So much for working on my abandonment issues. I had started to work on them and Julie left.