There is a title here...
I"m not sure why I feel like writing this, want of attention, depression, need to sound deep, who knows. I genuinely feel that no one will read it anyway, but I feel comfortable saying things like they are here on LJ. I don't tell anyone else this kind of stuff.
I hate myself. I hate myself when I watch TV, when I drive my car, when I lay in bed at night. I'm a masochist. I deliberately cause myself pain, emotional and physical, to make myself feel comfortable. I do it with a great big smile on my face so people can't tell. But I do it.
You see, I feel inadiquite. Like I'm falling short. I can't live up to the fanticies and dreams that taunt me in my own head. Because I'm afraid. So scared of change. I cringe from it. I cannot do anything unless something or someone forces me to do it. I tell people I'm lazy but I don't feel I am. I'm just scared. I wish so hard for companionship, I'm so lonely but I can't date. No, I'm just too scared to do that. I'm hoping some girl will seek me out, love me. I want it, I NEED it. But I feel like no woman would want me. Not me, I'm a disaster. But my mind is complex and it seems like it's making fun of me. I hate myself, but I have loads of self esteem. Right next to those thoughts are the ones that tell me I'm a great guy. Funny, sensitive, active. I actualy consider myself handsome. I do. I love my eyes. I love my life, my family my interesting past. I don't want to be anything else but me. But I did say I'm a masochist.
I love myself. I hate myself. Two sides of the same coin the is spinning on its edge perpetually. I just can't bring myself to slap my hand down on it, afraid to see what side faces up.
I hate myself. I hate myself when I watch TV, when I drive my car, when I lay in bed at night. I'm a masochist. I deliberately cause myself pain, emotional and physical, to make myself feel comfortable. I do it with a great big smile on my face so people can't tell. But I do it.
You see, I feel inadiquite. Like I'm falling short. I can't live up to the fanticies and dreams that taunt me in my own head. Because I'm afraid. So scared of change. I cringe from it. I cannot do anything unless something or someone forces me to do it. I tell people I'm lazy but I don't feel I am. I'm just scared. I wish so hard for companionship, I'm so lonely but I can't date. No, I'm just too scared to do that. I'm hoping some girl will seek me out, love me. I want it, I NEED it. But I feel like no woman would want me. Not me, I'm a disaster. But my mind is complex and it seems like it's making fun of me. I hate myself, but I have loads of self esteem. Right next to those thoughts are the ones that tell me I'm a great guy. Funny, sensitive, active. I actualy consider myself handsome. I do. I love my eyes. I love my life, my family my interesting past. I don't want to be anything else but me. But I did say I'm a masochist.
I love myself. I hate myself. Two sides of the same coin the is spinning on its edge perpetually. I just can't bring myself to slap my hand down on it, afraid to see what side faces up.