Why aren't I playing Star Control instead?
I don't recommend this one for fans of Multiple Man, but he's been a complete asshat in the comics lately so I feel he deserves at least this. A quick recap for everybody not reading X-Factor. (You shouldn't, it's terrible.)
MASSIVE SPOILERS AHOY
Jamie Madrox gets so badly trashed one night he doesn't remember what he did the next morning. It turns out he had sex with both Siryn and M, meaning at least one of them shagged a dupe. I can't find out anywhere if the ladies were drunk or not. Now they're both madly in love with him and his sex god skills. *eyeroll*
Instead of fessing up, Jamie continues sleeping with both of them until the team's therapist tells him he'd better confess before they figure it out themselves. Monet dumps Jamie, but Theresa apparently still wuvs him *eyeroll 2*. It also turns out she's pregnant. Nine months later, (it isn't clear if she ever broke up with Jamie or not) she goes into labor. Theresa proposes to Jamie and he accepts before she's wheeled away. She gives birth to a baby boy named Sean after his grandfather, whose death she's finally accepted. Theresa gives Jamie the baby and it is involuntarily absobed back into Jamie's body. Apparently it was a dupe who slept with her and somehow impregnated her with another dupe. Only the timely popping of Theresa's C-section stitches prevent her from killing Jamie right then and there. While she's still in the hospital, Jamie leaves X-Factor in a massive fit of ANGST.
Title- Sympathy Card
Fandom- Marvel Comics
Pairing- Deadpool/Siryn
Rating- R-ish? There is strong language.
Genre- Dark Humor
Summary- Deadpool enlists Jamie Madrox's help
Disclaimer- I don't own any copyrighted properties mentioned within. They belong to their copyright holders naturally.
Sympathy Card
Deadpool clears his throat. "I suppose you're wondering why I brought you all here."
One of the dupes steps forward out of the crowd. It's either the brave, stupid, or suicidal facet of Multiple Man. "Brought us!? You tied him up and punched him," he quickly gestures toward a battered and restrained Jamie Madrox, "Until we came out. Until all of us came out!"
Deadpool pulls himself up onto one of the warehouse's crates and shrugs helplessly. "Well, I was hoping to get the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box. I heard this crazy rumor that if you punched Multiple Man enough times, he would make a baby dupe named Sean! Isn't that the damndest thing you ever heard?"
It's interesting to watch the reaction of the many Madri in the room. The original, lying tied up on the floor quietly groaned, "Oh God-" At least half of the dupes look somewhat guilty. One of them simply bursts into tears. However, one in the middle of the crowd just stares right back at Deadpool with dead eyes, face expressionless.
Okay. That one's creeping me out. If I only kill one of them, it's going to be that one.
You're going to break your promise to her?
That's not breaking it. Just...bending it a bit.
You beat Multiple Man up and are going to kill one of his dupes. How is that not hurting, torturing, or killing him?
"Okay, you got me there. But I wouldn't have had to punch him if he'd just politely made all his duplicates like I asked him to in the first place. So it's his fault I had to hit him in the face. Repeatedly. With great glee."
"Who is he-?"
"Stop talking to yourselves, Jamie. It's not healthy. Besides that, it's just a dupe. He can always just make more and absorb them again. Isn't that right?"
Jamie had somehow managed to pull himself into a sitting position, propped up against another crate. His voice was somewhat muffled by his swollen face. "Somehow I get the feeling that if I absorb these ones, you'll just punch me again...With great glee like you said."
"Well, I gotta admit, punching you really has made my day, but like I said, I had to do it. I need all of you in one spot. In one spot, but not as one person. Well...I guess you are all one person, but several people- Dammit! Why is your mutant power so retardedly confusing?”
Jamie sounded tired. “I don’t know. Recently I’ve been wondering that too. Are you going to kill me?"
"Well, that depends on how good you all are at following directions. Scattered around the warehouse are little X's of duct tape. Now, Deadpool says you get your collective rears in gear and each one of you stands on an X."
"And if we don't?"
Deadpool and the rest of the Jamies turn and look at the dupe. It still has a completely blank look on its face.
"Oh! I love when they ask that question! Have any/all of you guys seen Ghost Ship?"
"...The one with the haunted cruise ship?"
"And the treasure hunters?" The dupes were getting into it.
"And the main bad guy was actually some kind of demon?"
"That's it!" Deadpool swings his legs excitedly. "Remember the scene where everybody's dancing on the deck?" All of a sudden the mercenary is completely still. His eyes narrow. His voice is quiet. "Remember the wire?"
There is a moment of silence. Deadpool drums his fingers on the crate. He pulls a small switch out of his pocket.
"...Don't bother looking. If you hit the dirt or try to rush me, it'll only take a little longer for me to kill all of you. Just do what I said and you get to live to annoy another day. All of you, except Daddy Madrox there, get moving."
The crowd of identical men exchange looks, then, slowly began spreading out across the warehouse. One stands still for a moment, staring at Wade contemptuously.
Deadpool raises an eyebrow under his mask. "What are you, the part of him that exists just to piss people off and flirt with death? Should I call you Scrappy Doo-drox?"
The dupe smiles. "You can call me X-Factor, Wade. I'm the part of Jamie that's just like you."
"Do you cry after watching Titanic too? Enjoy deep tissue massages and microbreweries? Or are you trying to tell me you have a healing factor that'll take care of having your tongue cut out after I get tired of your 'I'm an emotionless badass' Keanu Reeves impression?"
X-Factor ignores the mercenary and calmly takes his place on the last X. The dupes are now standing in six small groups of straight lines, shoulder to shoulder. The original continues to watch Deadpool.
"What now?"
"Your clones get to play catch." Deadpool tosses a rolled up piece of paper to each group of dupes. Each has a single word written on it.
Jamie's just about had enough. “What the hell is this, merc?”
“Well, gee, what do you think it is, Jamie? It’s a banner cut into several pieces that says, ’Our Deepest Sympathies For Your Loss. And they say I’m stupid!’”
“...You...absolute bastard.” Jamie stares at the floor, fists clenched.
“Actually, I’m hurt. I put a lot of time and effort into this. I mean, I know you're a capital 'A' asshole, but you could at least try to appreciate someone with a little more class than you.”
One of the dupes says, "Class? I don't know who told you about Theresa and the baby, but this isn't fucking funny! I'm not going to be let it be turned into a joke by some psychopath who kills people for money!"
Deadpool stands up on the crate and starts rooting through one of his pouches. His left is still holding the switch. "Cute, but I think I can win if we're going to have a name-calling contest. I mean, they don't call me 'The Merc with the Mouth' for nothing...Aha!"
In his hand is a small, digital camera. As his sizes up the picture, Deadpool mutters, "I swear, if this doesn't work, I'm just going to a Hallmark store. There's got to be a card that says, 'I'm sorry your twice ex-boyfriend is a one night standing, pseudo-impregnating, baby eating scumbag whose doppelgangers are too farking stupid to practice safe sex after pounding back a few.' ...Not that I haven't performed any foolish sexcapades while lit, mind you, but seriously, Madrox. You didn't just take the cake. You bought the bakery and built a hotel on it."
"...How does he know all this?" There was a hint of fear in the dupe's voice. The camera flashes once.
"You're saying you're going to send this to Theresa? Are you trying to drive her off the deep end?"
"Of course not! It's called a sympathy card Jamie Bunch. It's meant to convey shared sorrow or, in your case, remorse for just how badly you fucked up the life of the most beautiful red-head this side of Jean Grey."
Jamie shifts slightly against the ropes. "...If you're going to give it to her, you know where she is. After it all went down...she went to you? You!? I didn't think she'd talked to you in years!"
Wade was looking at the picture he’d taken. "She wouldn't have had to if you'd have shown this level of genius, say, ten months ago. Yeah, we're not as chummy as we used to be. To be fair, I don't think she was thinking very clearly when she called. Suicidal depression'll do that. You couldn't have known of course. You took off right after the baby buffet."
"...I thought if I stayed it would just remind her-"
"You were being a fucking coward because you felt guilty. Don't pretend you cared that much about her. If you did, you wouldn't have been seeing M on the side. As for the rest of you, field trip's over. Line up and get back in the bus."
One by one Jamie vanishes back into himself. Soon it's just him, Deadpool, and one last dupe, who stands resolutely with his arms crossed.
For the first time that night, Deadpool pulls a gun. "I've definitely had enough of you. Get your ass in the Mystery Machine, Scrappy."
X-Factor smirks. "Look, Jamie. I'm making the man with two katanas, an Uzi, and a grenade belt nervous."
"Let me tell you a little secret. When I'm nervous, I get gassy. When I'm pissed off, I talk less. Guess which one I am right now."
"If you're so angry, why not take some real revenge, Wade? You could have broken our bodies into pieces, spelled out your little message in entrails... It's not like you're squeamish. We know some of the things you've done purely for your own amusement."
The original speaks up. "Either get back inside where you belong or I'll ask him to gun you down myself."
"Oh, spare me. He's right you know. If you weren't so weak, we wouldn't be in this mess. Are you still pretending you can be a hero, Wade?"
"...Stop calling me by my first name."
"Why? Don't like to be reminded you're just a man when you're playing the monster? You're just rubbing Madrox’s guilt in his face so you can feel like the better choice. You think that's why she ran to you. The truth is, you still love that Irish slu-"
Two shots echo through the warehouse. X-Factor hits the floor. Hard.
"...Good luck insulting her with punctured lungs."
Jamie Madrox is silent while the mercenary cuts him loose. He rubs his wrists as he kneels down next to X-Factor. "I'm really tempted to just let this part of me die."
Deadpool levels the gun at Multiple Man. "Except that won't work and you know it. It'll just add another body to my count and in that case, I'll just make it two...or however many you consider yourself to be. If I have to break my promise to Terry, I'm going to make sure you pay the price."
Jamie looks back up at Deadpool. "What promise?"
"That I wouldn't kill, maim, or torture you. Believe me, I asked her if she wanted me to. Told her I'd do it however she wanted. I'm flexible like that. Practically begged her to give herself some closure, some revenge on an irresponsible self-absorbed asshole, but she wouldn’t budge. Must be the Catholicism making her act like a martyr. Now absorb your psycho-dupe before I decide to teleport you to the most inhospitable place I can find and let you be Darwin's butt-monkey."
"You really think threatening me is going to change my mind either way?" Jamie reaches down and X-Factor disappears. He stands up and stares at Deadpool. Neither one says anything for a moment. The gun is down, but it hasn't been holstered yet.
"Are you still in love with her?”
“More than you ever were. Or ever will be.” Wade rubs the back of his head. “...I really was hoping I could just punch the baby out of you.”
“Believe me, I already tried.” Jamie sighs, “I have no right to ask this, but do you really think you can help her? She needs-"
"What Terry needs is the last year of her life back. Barring that, I'd say she needs to get away from all the self-righteous hypocrites pushing her to be a good mutant soldier. Right now, she’s about one bad day from losing it completely. I’ve seen the look in her eyes before.”
Deadpool continues, “...I suppose you could go running to every other mutant you know and tell them who’s hiding her...or kidnapped her. I’m sure you’d tell them whatever you could to get them come save her, righteous fury a blazing. But you’d have to track me down, and I won’t go quietly or talk easily. In the end, all you’d wind up with is one dead merc and the few X-men I couldn’t bring down with me. I’m crazy, I heal from just about anything, and I have a shit-load of bullets. Get the picture?”
“Yeah...doesn’t matter anyway. She knows how to contact us if she wants to come back. I’ve got to work on fixing my own flaws, starting with-”
"Save it for your therapist, you complete waste of the X-gene. Personally, I'd be much happier if our little meeting had driven you to commit suicide. I think, if I were you, the next thing I would do is run to the nearest church, get down on my knees and thank God that I was still alive. Consider yourself fortunate Madrox that this-this is all the punishment I am allowed to give you."
Deadpool starts fiddling with his teleportation unit. Suddenly, he looks back up, remembering something.
“Oh, don’t worry about the card. I’ll sign it for you. The roses are going to be from me, though.”
And in a flash Deadpool is gone, leaving Jamie alone.
MASSIVE SPOILERS AHOY
Jamie Madrox gets so badly trashed one night he doesn't remember what he did the next morning. It turns out he had sex with both Siryn and M, meaning at least one of them shagged a dupe. I can't find out anywhere if the ladies were drunk or not. Now they're both madly in love with him and his sex god skills. *eyeroll*
Instead of fessing up, Jamie continues sleeping with both of them until the team's therapist tells him he'd better confess before they figure it out themselves. Monet dumps Jamie, but Theresa apparently still wuvs him *eyeroll 2*. It also turns out she's pregnant. Nine months later, (it isn't clear if she ever broke up with Jamie or not) she goes into labor. Theresa proposes to Jamie and he accepts before she's wheeled away. She gives birth to a baby boy named Sean after his grandfather, whose death she's finally accepted. Theresa gives Jamie the baby and it is involuntarily absobed back into Jamie's body. Apparently it was a dupe who slept with her and somehow impregnated her with another dupe. Only the timely popping of Theresa's C-section stitches prevent her from killing Jamie right then and there. While she's still in the hospital, Jamie leaves X-Factor in a massive fit of ANGST.
Title- Sympathy Card
Fandom- Marvel Comics
Pairing- Deadpool/Siryn
Rating- R-ish? There is strong language.
Genre- Dark Humor
Summary- Deadpool enlists Jamie Madrox's help
Disclaimer- I don't own any copyrighted properties mentioned within. They belong to their copyright holders naturally.
Sympathy Card
Deadpool clears his throat. "I suppose you're wondering why I brought you all here."
One of the dupes steps forward out of the crowd. It's either the brave, stupid, or suicidal facet of Multiple Man. "Brought us!? You tied him up and punched him," he quickly gestures toward a battered and restrained Jamie Madrox, "Until we came out. Until all of us came out!"
Deadpool pulls himself up onto one of the warehouse's crates and shrugs helplessly. "Well, I was hoping to get the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box. I heard this crazy rumor that if you punched Multiple Man enough times, he would make a baby dupe named Sean! Isn't that the damndest thing you ever heard?"
It's interesting to watch the reaction of the many Madri in the room. The original, lying tied up on the floor quietly groaned, "Oh God-" At least half of the dupes look somewhat guilty. One of them simply bursts into tears. However, one in the middle of the crowd just stares right back at Deadpool with dead eyes, face expressionless.
Okay. That one's creeping me out. If I only kill one of them, it's going to be that one.
You're going to break your promise to her?
That's not breaking it. Just...bending it a bit.
You beat Multiple Man up and are going to kill one of his dupes. How is that not hurting, torturing, or killing him?
"Okay, you got me there. But I wouldn't have had to punch him if he'd just politely made all his duplicates like I asked him to in the first place. So it's his fault I had to hit him in the face. Repeatedly. With great glee."
"Who is he-?"
"Stop talking to yourselves, Jamie. It's not healthy. Besides that, it's just a dupe. He can always just make more and absorb them again. Isn't that right?"
Jamie had somehow managed to pull himself into a sitting position, propped up against another crate. His voice was somewhat muffled by his swollen face. "Somehow I get the feeling that if I absorb these ones, you'll just punch me again...With great glee like you said."
"Well, I gotta admit, punching you really has made my day, but like I said, I had to do it. I need all of you in one spot. In one spot, but not as one person. Well...I guess you are all one person, but several people- Dammit! Why is your mutant power so retardedly confusing?”
Jamie sounded tired. “I don’t know. Recently I’ve been wondering that too. Are you going to kill me?"
"Well, that depends on how good you all are at following directions. Scattered around the warehouse are little X's of duct tape. Now, Deadpool says you get your collective rears in gear and each one of you stands on an X."
"And if we don't?"
Deadpool and the rest of the Jamies turn and look at the dupe. It still has a completely blank look on its face.
"Oh! I love when they ask that question! Have any/all of you guys seen Ghost Ship?"
"...The one with the haunted cruise ship?"
"And the treasure hunters?" The dupes were getting into it.
"And the main bad guy was actually some kind of demon?"
"That's it!" Deadpool swings his legs excitedly. "Remember the scene where everybody's dancing on the deck?" All of a sudden the mercenary is completely still. His eyes narrow. His voice is quiet. "Remember the wire?"
There is a moment of silence. Deadpool drums his fingers on the crate. He pulls a small switch out of his pocket.
"...Don't bother looking. If you hit the dirt or try to rush me, it'll only take a little longer for me to kill all of you. Just do what I said and you get to live to annoy another day. All of you, except Daddy Madrox there, get moving."
The crowd of identical men exchange looks, then, slowly began spreading out across the warehouse. One stands still for a moment, staring at Wade contemptuously.
Deadpool raises an eyebrow under his mask. "What are you, the part of him that exists just to piss people off and flirt with death? Should I call you Scrappy Doo-drox?"
The dupe smiles. "You can call me X-Factor, Wade. I'm the part of Jamie that's just like you."
"Do you cry after watching Titanic too? Enjoy deep tissue massages and microbreweries? Or are you trying to tell me you have a healing factor that'll take care of having your tongue cut out after I get tired of your 'I'm an emotionless badass' Keanu Reeves impression?"
X-Factor ignores the mercenary and calmly takes his place on the last X. The dupes are now standing in six small groups of straight lines, shoulder to shoulder. The original continues to watch Deadpool.
"What now?"
"Your clones get to play catch." Deadpool tosses a rolled up piece of paper to each group of dupes. Each has a single word written on it.
Jamie's just about had enough. “What the hell is this, merc?”
“Well, gee, what do you think it is, Jamie? It’s a banner cut into several pieces that says, ’Our Deepest Sympathies For Your Loss. And they say I’m stupid!’”
“...You...absolute bastard.” Jamie stares at the floor, fists clenched.
“Actually, I’m hurt. I put a lot of time and effort into this. I mean, I know you're a capital 'A' asshole, but you could at least try to appreciate someone with a little more class than you.”
One of the dupes says, "Class? I don't know who told you about Theresa and the baby, but this isn't fucking funny! I'm not going to be let it be turned into a joke by some psychopath who kills people for money!"
Deadpool stands up on the crate and starts rooting through one of his pouches. His left is still holding the switch. "Cute, but I think I can win if we're going to have a name-calling contest. I mean, they don't call me 'The Merc with the Mouth' for nothing...Aha!"
In his hand is a small, digital camera. As his sizes up the picture, Deadpool mutters, "I swear, if this doesn't work, I'm just going to a Hallmark store. There's got to be a card that says, 'I'm sorry your twice ex-boyfriend is a one night standing, pseudo-impregnating, baby eating scumbag whose doppelgangers are too farking stupid to practice safe sex after pounding back a few.' ...Not that I haven't performed any foolish sexcapades while lit, mind you, but seriously, Madrox. You didn't just take the cake. You bought the bakery and built a hotel on it."
"...How does he know all this?" There was a hint of fear in the dupe's voice. The camera flashes once.
"You're saying you're going to send this to Theresa? Are you trying to drive her off the deep end?"
"Of course not! It's called a sympathy card Jamie Bunch. It's meant to convey shared sorrow or, in your case, remorse for just how badly you fucked up the life of the most beautiful red-head this side of Jean Grey."
Jamie shifts slightly against the ropes. "...If you're going to give it to her, you know where she is. After it all went down...she went to you? You!? I didn't think she'd talked to you in years!"
Wade was looking at the picture he’d taken. "She wouldn't have had to if you'd have shown this level of genius, say, ten months ago. Yeah, we're not as chummy as we used to be. To be fair, I don't think she was thinking very clearly when she called. Suicidal depression'll do that. You couldn't have known of course. You took off right after the baby buffet."
"...I thought if I stayed it would just remind her-"
"You were being a fucking coward because you felt guilty. Don't pretend you cared that much about her. If you did, you wouldn't have been seeing M on the side. As for the rest of you, field trip's over. Line up and get back in the bus."
One by one Jamie vanishes back into himself. Soon it's just him, Deadpool, and one last dupe, who stands resolutely with his arms crossed.
For the first time that night, Deadpool pulls a gun. "I've definitely had enough of you. Get your ass in the Mystery Machine, Scrappy."
X-Factor smirks. "Look, Jamie. I'm making the man with two katanas, an Uzi, and a grenade belt nervous."
"Let me tell you a little secret. When I'm nervous, I get gassy. When I'm pissed off, I talk less. Guess which one I am right now."
"If you're so angry, why not take some real revenge, Wade? You could have broken our bodies into pieces, spelled out your little message in entrails... It's not like you're squeamish. We know some of the things you've done purely for your own amusement."
The original speaks up. "Either get back inside where you belong or I'll ask him to gun you down myself."
"Oh, spare me. He's right you know. If you weren't so weak, we wouldn't be in this mess. Are you still pretending you can be a hero, Wade?"
"...Stop calling me by my first name."
"Why? Don't like to be reminded you're just a man when you're playing the monster? You're just rubbing Madrox’s guilt in his face so you can feel like the better choice. You think that's why she ran to you. The truth is, you still love that Irish slu-"
Two shots echo through the warehouse. X-Factor hits the floor. Hard.
"...Good luck insulting her with punctured lungs."
Jamie Madrox is silent while the mercenary cuts him loose. He rubs his wrists as he kneels down next to X-Factor. "I'm really tempted to just let this part of me die."
Deadpool levels the gun at Multiple Man. "Except that won't work and you know it. It'll just add another body to my count and in that case, I'll just make it two...or however many you consider yourself to be. If I have to break my promise to Terry, I'm going to make sure you pay the price."
Jamie looks back up at Deadpool. "What promise?"
"That I wouldn't kill, maim, or torture you. Believe me, I asked her if she wanted me to. Told her I'd do it however she wanted. I'm flexible like that. Practically begged her to give herself some closure, some revenge on an irresponsible self-absorbed asshole, but she wouldn’t budge. Must be the Catholicism making her act like a martyr. Now absorb your psycho-dupe before I decide to teleport you to the most inhospitable place I can find and let you be Darwin's butt-monkey."
"You really think threatening me is going to change my mind either way?" Jamie reaches down and X-Factor disappears. He stands up and stares at Deadpool. Neither one says anything for a moment. The gun is down, but it hasn't been holstered yet.
"Are you still in love with her?”
“More than you ever were. Or ever will be.” Wade rubs the back of his head. “...I really was hoping I could just punch the baby out of you.”
“Believe me, I already tried.” Jamie sighs, “I have no right to ask this, but do you really think you can help her? She needs-"
"What Terry needs is the last year of her life back. Barring that, I'd say she needs to get away from all the self-righteous hypocrites pushing her to be a good mutant soldier. Right now, she’s about one bad day from losing it completely. I’ve seen the look in her eyes before.”
Deadpool continues, “...I suppose you could go running to every other mutant you know and tell them who’s hiding her...or kidnapped her. I’m sure you’d tell them whatever you could to get them come save her, righteous fury a blazing. But you’d have to track me down, and I won’t go quietly or talk easily. In the end, all you’d wind up with is one dead merc and the few X-men I couldn’t bring down with me. I’m crazy, I heal from just about anything, and I have a shit-load of bullets. Get the picture?”
“Yeah...doesn’t matter anyway. She knows how to contact us if she wants to come back. I’ve got to work on fixing my own flaws, starting with-”
"Save it for your therapist, you complete waste of the X-gene. Personally, I'd be much happier if our little meeting had driven you to commit suicide. I think, if I were you, the next thing I would do is run to the nearest church, get down on my knees and thank God that I was still alive. Consider yourself fortunate Madrox that this-this is all the punishment I am allowed to give you."
Deadpool starts fiddling with his teleportation unit. Suddenly, he looks back up, remembering something.
“Oh, don’t worry about the card. I’ll sign it for you. The roses are going to be from me, though.”
And in a flash Deadpool is gone, leaving Jamie alone.