April's fool...
Spring does weird things to me.
So why is it that every time I like a guy he inevetably ends up coming up to me and asking me for help with girls? What is up with that. Not a single guy I've been interested in since John and I split has spared me that insult. Arrgh.
Well, I got stood up for my "elimidate" on Friday and instead of my friend Ross and his two buddies coming up here to entertain me it was just him. The two buddies had to stay and play poker to satiate their gambling addictions. Unfortunatley I'd already made dinner for 4 people. Becky came over so I only had one serving too many. I brought it into the office and Ilsa took it home for Juha to eat. She said it would be a real treat for him (cornflake chicken and mashed potatoes). I don't imagine she cooks much, and I do imagine that if she tried she'd burn her house down. Ross was so thrilled by the dinner, which consisted of the aforementioned, stuffed mushrooms, and steamed broccoli, that he took a picture on his camera phone of the dinner (and the hostess) and sent it to his loser friends. :-P We went out to Tom's after dinner for karaoke, which was ok, but people were sad cause one of the usuals had died the night before :-(. Suzy introduced me to her son who flirted with me the whole night and paid me more compliments than I'm worth, although I'd have to imagine that he was just being nice, since he is engaged. His aunt was not happy to see the way he behaved around me, and I was not happy to be worrying about what people would think of me, but still, it was nice to get some positive attention, even if it was from yet another army guy who smokes like a gay chimney. Why is it that I always attract people with some form of dependency? Anyway, I apparently have beautiful eyes, an impressive level of body confidence, I'm beautiful when I smile, oh yeah, and I'm the most awesome girl ever cause I'll say "I have to piss" rather than using the more polite "pee." WTF? Weird shit.
Today I bombed a SAS programming exam. It was not my fault. I actually did extremely well with the part that I finished. In fact, only one person finished the exam and she has prior experience in using SAS, unlike the rest of us, who took the class because we wanted to learn how to use it. I normally take responsibility for my own fuck ups, but this, this was beyond my control. You see, the homework the prof assigns takes most of us at least 3 hours each week to complete, and the exam was about 3 times as long as the homework, far less straight forward, and we only had two hours to take it. I got further than some. We let her know at the end of class that there was no way we could finish the programs assigned within 2 hours based on our limited experience, and pointed out that the far shorter homeworks took us at least 3 hours even when we did not experience difficulty in writing our programs. She took it as us complaining that we had too much homework. She's pretty dense. She's actually never taught a class before, and never written an exam, but I kinda thought she'd get it after a few students couldn't finish the quiz on time (she only gave 30 minutes to take that), apparently she's denser than I thought.
John and I went out for a friendly dinner last night and then played a game of chess. I schooled him. I really would like to find someone who is a decent opponent. I'm not very good at the game but I do enjoy playing. I actually don't mind losing so long as it was a good game. I never mind losing really, which is good, cause no matter what the game is, I usually lose. He got to talking about how sorry he was about how badly he'd treated me when we were together, which was enough to remind me of how damned lonely I really am. I managed to refrain from crying. Somehow he ended up hugging me and telling me to "let it all out" I didn't though. Mostly I felt that he'd over-stepped his boundaries based on the length of his embrace and the fact that he touched my face. I think it's just hard to establish appropriate patterns of interaction. I needed to cry, still do need to cry about a lot of things, some trivial, some not... but his is not the shoulder I want to cry on. Right now, I don't have a shoulder... and if I had my choice of a shoulder, well I probably wouldn't want to cry so much.
Somebody told me I need to speak to an older woman for guidance. I tried to talk to Ilsa a bit... but she's about as good with that stuff as I'd imagine she is in the kitchen. It's been recommended that maybe I try the women's center. I don't know about that. I mean, who wants to talk to strangers about the things that are stressing them out or getting them down? I don't even want to talk to my friends about it. I might want to talk to my mother, but oh wait, she's one of the major stressors. I kind of talk to people, but just the surface, just a play by play of what's happened lately, I never talk about how any of it makes me feel. I'm like mail from the unibomber... small, tidy, all wrapped up, packaged neatly, just waiting to explode. Sometimes I try to reach out to people who might posess a little more wisdom than I do... but they rarely want to talk to me about anything deeper than how my grades are.
I miss my friends, you know, the ones who moved away, or went and got married, and left me here still waiting to start my life while they are all wrapped up in theirs. I feel like I somehow got left behind, like staying in school has cut me off from a large chunk of the world because I'm still "avoiding" the real world while everyone else is so hard at work in it.