(no subject)
I'm doing well. Having a good time. My days are nice, my nights aren't too bad. I'm getting better and taking care of myself. Life is good.
But my dreams are only nightmares, recently a 6 hour bout of a repeating dream that there was no escaping. I wonder if I'm developing the ability to supress the emotions surrounding her, forcing them to come out at night...
I miss her, terribly, and can't find a good way to cope with it. Drugs, alcohol, sobriety, celibacy and rampant sex. Tried working myself into sickness, tried taking it easy. I've tried all of it in all combinations yet I still can't seem to get over her. Why..... Why can't I escape these emotions?
Why couldn't I have been swifter in my journey, why couldn't I have learned my lessons sooner. I was ready for it all, for that life that we had been wanting for years, before it all happened. I tried, I truly did.... If I couldn't have learned faster, why couldn't she have at least said something.
That, truly, is the part that hurts the most: when the time came, when it seemed like too much, when things began to get too difficult, why, in God's name, couldn't she have at least spoke to me. It all could have been fixed, saved, made right, I was ready and willing to change.... and the cause for changing told me to go away.
Maybe some day it will make sense... maybe some day it will go away, this pain and horrible sorrow that haunts me day and night. Maybe some day she will say sorry for the way I was treated, perhaps she will never feel sorry at all. It was a truly special friendship, and the relationship was the kind that dreams were made of. All of the foolish mistakes, the sins of my life haunt me even to this day as they will haunt me for the rest of my life and till time ends. Perhaps some day she will be willing to talk again, to try to be friends....
To you, though I truly believe you will never hear it, will never read these words....
To you I say thank you. Thank you for those lovely times, those spectacular memories I have of both night and day. I remember a great many things.... but most of all I remember your smile. I know that you are happy, that things are going great for you. I know you are in love with your new man. I hope you heal well, than the pain I caused goes away. I'm sorry lass, more sorry than perhaps you will ever be able to understand. I do resent the results, badly. More so since had you even bothered to tell me, before it came to that point I would have fixed, would have changed. Because in May we were fine, I asked you and you told me that we were doing well. You would tell me that you didn't like something, yet said to never change for you. So I had to find a way to change, on my own, so that I could be with you. A person like I was would never have made it with you, that has been proven. So I worked, and did, become a man that could be with you. And you threw me away because you didn't think I would change and you just decided it was too much. Why did you let it get to that point without telling me? I'm a fool and a blind man to have missed it, I know. So all I have left is memories and dreams that leave me broken and almost crying. But thank you. I said I would support you in everything that you do. And I do..... even in leaving me I supported you.
That doesn't mean I agree.
_D
But my dreams are only nightmares, recently a 6 hour bout of a repeating dream that there was no escaping. I wonder if I'm developing the ability to supress the emotions surrounding her, forcing them to come out at night...
I miss her, terribly, and can't find a good way to cope with it. Drugs, alcohol, sobriety, celibacy and rampant sex. Tried working myself into sickness, tried taking it easy. I've tried all of it in all combinations yet I still can't seem to get over her. Why..... Why can't I escape these emotions?
Why couldn't I have been swifter in my journey, why couldn't I have learned my lessons sooner. I was ready for it all, for that life that we had been wanting for years, before it all happened. I tried, I truly did.... If I couldn't have learned faster, why couldn't she have at least said something.
That, truly, is the part that hurts the most: when the time came, when it seemed like too much, when things began to get too difficult, why, in God's name, couldn't she have at least spoke to me. It all could have been fixed, saved, made right, I was ready and willing to change.... and the cause for changing told me to go away.
Maybe some day it will make sense... maybe some day it will go away, this pain and horrible sorrow that haunts me day and night. Maybe some day she will say sorry for the way I was treated, perhaps she will never feel sorry at all. It was a truly special friendship, and the relationship was the kind that dreams were made of. All of the foolish mistakes, the sins of my life haunt me even to this day as they will haunt me for the rest of my life and till time ends. Perhaps some day she will be willing to talk again, to try to be friends....
To you, though I truly believe you will never hear it, will never read these words....
To you I say thank you. Thank you for those lovely times, those spectacular memories I have of both night and day. I remember a great many things.... but most of all I remember your smile. I know that you are happy, that things are going great for you. I know you are in love with your new man. I hope you heal well, than the pain I caused goes away. I'm sorry lass, more sorry than perhaps you will ever be able to understand. I do resent the results, badly. More so since had you even bothered to tell me, before it came to that point I would have fixed, would have changed. Because in May we were fine, I asked you and you told me that we were doing well. You would tell me that you didn't like something, yet said to never change for you. So I had to find a way to change, on my own, so that I could be with you. A person like I was would never have made it with you, that has been proven. So I worked, and did, become a man that could be with you. And you threw me away because you didn't think I would change and you just decided it was too much. Why did you let it get to that point without telling me? I'm a fool and a blind man to have missed it, I know. So all I have left is memories and dreams that leave me broken and almost crying. But thank you. I said I would support you in everything that you do. And I do..... even in leaving me I supported you.
That doesn't mean I agree.
_D