(no subject)
Things are going well.... getting better and better.... closer to my goals and plans are approaching fruition.
She slips through my mind and dreams like a phantom; a bundle of emotions reluctant to leave or stay. I'm not getting depressed so much now, but I'm not sure what's going on exactly either. I've begun another long series of personal inquiries where I'm tearing down barriers to gather the information necessary in order to handle this issue.
One of the positive things is that I've begun to further consider all the possibilities and it's really become a more and more prominent thing that I'm realizing she might not ever want to be even a friend. It's a thought that greatly saddens me.... but not nearly as much as it angers me.
Why? Because I doubt she'd even bother to tell me why. When I realized this and looked at it objectively I realized that I have no faith or trust left in the girl when it comes to me. Anything else in the world and I believe in her, and can trust what she says (were she talking to me at all that is), but I have no faith or belief in her whatsoever upon the thoughts of her dealing/handling me. I'm looking more fully into this to see what and why... And the thought of that saddens me greatly.
The main reason for it is because I cannot fathom, at all, why she'd want to abandon a friendship like we had.... and the fact that I have no knowledge of *how* this all happened anyway strips me of any understanding towards it, much less any understanding at all. I don't understand purposely destroying/leaving a friendship like we had and somedays it still chokes my heart and strangles my tears.
Aside from that though, I'm doing rather fucking well... Car is well, I'm getting better and better at driving (and I'm even driving safe too). Job is a pain in the ass, but functional and slowly improving as I weasel my way into barbacking more... also put in to move up to a new food & beverage position... and seeing about applying to some other jobs so I can obtain a second one. Finances are getting more into control, even if they aren't there yet. Friends are plentiful and quite supportive, helpful and fun as always. I'm not getting depressed over everything/anything really and I'm clean as well. Things are not just good, they're damn good. I'm finally proving al that I've always said. Like it has been, the only actually troubling thing in my life is her and I can't understand it... makes me wonder if she'll ever have the kindness to actually help me understand... it'd heal a lot faster, and more fully if she would, but it doesn't seem very likely and I won't wait for her to try and heal my heart... I have better things to do with my time than let the memories and dreams of someone destroy me.
It took me a long time to figure out how to do that, how to keep it from killing me whenever it slipped through my mental armor. Then I realized that all the tools I'd needed where there... When Skitz/Skimpy/Bud and the others betrayed me.... I healed. When Jacob left like he did... I coped without understanding. But mostly... when I understood that my family had been doing what it had done for my whole life... I used the tools I learned from dealing with my family's treatment and all the rest and realised that I could do this without any help. It's just sad that I've had to use those tools. But I have them, and like Chumbawumba said "I get knocked down, but I get up again, ain't never gonna keep me down."
So, all in all, things are going beautifully in my life and I'm doing even better with every damn day.
SO ALL YOU FUCKERS READING THIS RAISE A GOD DAMN TOAST TO ME! TO SOBRIETY (from drugs anywho), TO FRIENDS, AND MOST OF ALL TO HAVING A HEART THAT CAN MAINTAIN THE WAY OF VICTORY AND NOT VENGANCE!
And, in turn, know that every time I drink at all I always raise a toast to all of you. Because Without you, I'd be a hollow man indeed, and nowhere nere where I am now. Thank you. Love you. Thinking of you.
_D
p.s. - And drink to stickball too. It fucking 0wnz0R$
She slips through my mind and dreams like a phantom; a bundle of emotions reluctant to leave or stay. I'm not getting depressed so much now, but I'm not sure what's going on exactly either. I've begun another long series of personal inquiries where I'm tearing down barriers to gather the information necessary in order to handle this issue.
One of the positive things is that I've begun to further consider all the possibilities and it's really become a more and more prominent thing that I'm realizing she might not ever want to be even a friend. It's a thought that greatly saddens me.... but not nearly as much as it angers me.
Why? Because I doubt she'd even bother to tell me why. When I realized this and looked at it objectively I realized that I have no faith or trust left in the girl when it comes to me. Anything else in the world and I believe in her, and can trust what she says (were she talking to me at all that is), but I have no faith or belief in her whatsoever upon the thoughts of her dealing/handling me. I'm looking more fully into this to see what and why... And the thought of that saddens me greatly.
The main reason for it is because I cannot fathom, at all, why she'd want to abandon a friendship like we had.... and the fact that I have no knowledge of *how* this all happened anyway strips me of any understanding towards it, much less any understanding at all. I don't understand purposely destroying/leaving a friendship like we had and somedays it still chokes my heart and strangles my tears.
Aside from that though, I'm doing rather fucking well... Car is well, I'm getting better and better at driving (and I'm even driving safe too). Job is a pain in the ass, but functional and slowly improving as I weasel my way into barbacking more... also put in to move up to a new food & beverage position... and seeing about applying to some other jobs so I can obtain a second one. Finances are getting more into control, even if they aren't there yet. Friends are plentiful and quite supportive, helpful and fun as always. I'm not getting depressed over everything/anything really and I'm clean as well. Things are not just good, they're damn good. I'm finally proving al that I've always said. Like it has been, the only actually troubling thing in my life is her and I can't understand it... makes me wonder if she'll ever have the kindness to actually help me understand... it'd heal a lot faster, and more fully if she would, but it doesn't seem very likely and I won't wait for her to try and heal my heart... I have better things to do with my time than let the memories and dreams of someone destroy me.
It took me a long time to figure out how to do that, how to keep it from killing me whenever it slipped through my mental armor. Then I realized that all the tools I'd needed where there... When Skitz/Skimpy/Bud and the others betrayed me.... I healed. When Jacob left like he did... I coped without understanding. But mostly... when I understood that my family had been doing what it had done for my whole life... I used the tools I learned from dealing with my family's treatment and all the rest and realised that I could do this without any help. It's just sad that I've had to use those tools. But I have them, and like Chumbawumba said "I get knocked down, but I get up again, ain't never gonna keep me down."
So, all in all, things are going beautifully in my life and I'm doing even better with every damn day.
SO ALL YOU FUCKERS READING THIS RAISE A GOD DAMN TOAST TO ME! TO SOBRIETY (from drugs anywho), TO FRIENDS, AND MOST OF ALL TO HAVING A HEART THAT CAN MAINTAIN THE WAY OF VICTORY AND NOT VENGANCE!
And, in turn, know that every time I drink at all I always raise a toast to all of you. Because Without you, I'd be a hollow man indeed, and nowhere nere where I am now. Thank you. Love you. Thinking of you.
_D
p.s. - And drink to stickball too. It fucking 0wnz0R$