(no subject)
I've noticed that my livejournal posts are not necessarily "positive" or "upbeat."
I'm okay with this as I feel that if you want positive and upbeat, call me and talk to me in person. As for what I post here, it's to let things go, to put out a permanant statement about myself that nobody has to listen to, nobody has to hear, nobody has to read... but with the knowledge that the things I say are not likely to go unheard. There's a difference between screaming out at the world and darkness and knowing that someone heard, even if there is nothing to be said in return. Frequently not having anything said in return is perfect, so long as one knows that their screams and feelings were heard at all.
I'm striving to be a positive and upbeat person, and I'm managing it very well. But this place is a journal for me, a place that I can go to and unleash without fear of reprecussion for something being takent he wrong way, because I *expect* my people to see the words, but hear the message. If confused, talk to me. I'm not so hard to get ahold of anymore.
As for how I'm doing? I am, by the looks of it, advancing to barback (assistant bartender) for at least part-time/on-call. Still bigger than dishwasher, and I put in the internal application wednesday and thursday they talked to me about finalizing it. So that's speed of upgrade for ya. Also looks like they're trying to make me a cook as well. And they've talked to me about moving to a permanent schedule of 5 days on the rough shift because I'm the guy who can handle that shift (for dishwashing). So work is proceeding along my plans very smoothly. Yes, *my* plans. They don't know it but they are playing my game well. Move swiftly my little pawns, move swiftly.
Home is just that. Another home. It's the second one I've had in my life. It's very nice... it's really beyond nice to just have a home to go to, and to feel like it *is* a home. I'm taking care of it and it's taking care of me in return. If work is rough then I have a home to help me feel better. If home is rough then I have work to uplift me. How? I love being able to put forth strong effort and see that effort rewarded in turn. Work is just that. I have a very strong work ethic and I've become enthralled with working for the sake of working, and the pleasure it brings me is exquisite.
The SCA contacts are prolific and growing, people are liking me for being me. And many of them have seen changes in me over a short period of time and are proud and happy of those changes. I have developed strong friendships and I am very proud of that. I'm also very proud of how I handled myself at the event. Not perfect, no, but such a far step and movement away and beyond what I was even at the Gathering. Oh, yes, I am proud indeed.
My plans for the SCA are growing as well and proceeding better than expectations, as my expectations were upon the flawed person I was before, instead of the lesser version of flaw that I am now. I am rough around the edges still, but hopefull not so rough as to cut those caring for and handling me. Come, play with me people, for the plans you cannot see you are a part of are great indeed and I hold the tools as you are the keys to these plans, and all shall be revealed when the plans are put into motion, for good or ill on the success of those plans. But they will move, and if things move well then we will move the world. *smiles softly, a wicked and lustful smile of conquest and desire*
I'm not drinking, had a beer, yes, but didn't even finish it. I've found that my desires to drink are merely for the "fun" occasions. It suits me fine. I don't need to drink otherwise, and I'll hold to that. I'm keeping clean from drugs, a more difficult task, but one I am up too I'm sure. Cigarettes.... are the greatest struggle. I'm not sure how to get rid of them... I find myself not smoking and donig alright for a short period of time and then I've asked someone and am smoking and didn't even really realise that I did... If I go too long I get... angry, pissy, close to violent. Why? Because those are what I use cigarettes to stop, so without them the body (while withdrawing from nicotine) tries to compensate the nicotine with those chemicals/emotions. It's very difficult to deal with...
Sleep. I've had deep sleep for a couple weeks now, good sleep too. Now the body is going into REM mode and I've had two days of nothing but *VERY* bad sleep because of nightmares and fears and stress. Fear of plans failing, fear of waking up to realise that *this* was all just a dream and I'm right back to where I was, back upon that path without the wisdom I have gained, knowing I'd walk it again.
To become a man, to become human, to become me... I am paying the price and it did not come cheap. But without the prize I would not be able to follow my dreams. For those that say there could have been a better way, that there was a better way listen to this.
What price would you pay to be able to reach all of your dreams. All of them. What if that price could be earned back? What if the price for not doing as you knew you must would be ALL of your dreams, and your life as well?
What about there being a better path? To be frank, when I needed to walk that path and I began down upon it, noone was able to show me a better one. And, again, I am not any of you. My favourite nickname is "Dark Angel" and it holds true. But for every Angel that exists, there must be a counter, an Angel whom has taken and moved to a darker way. To be an Angel and be dark at the same time is not easy, quite contrary. But I have tasted and seen the darkness of life, walked down those roads far enough to know them very well, but not so far as to be unable to return. I found myself upon the point of no return and clawed my way back anyhow.
I am proud. I am strong. I am capable. I have dreams, and I will have them all.
Come. Dance the dangerous dance with me, and join with me for a while upon that wicked dance floor of life, and I shall lead the way for you all. My dreams are large, give me time to set them in motion, and then.... *laughs that cruelly wicked laugh that all have buried inside of them* And *then* we shall see what forces may keep me from my dreams.
_D
I'm okay with this as I feel that if you want positive and upbeat, call me and talk to me in person. As for what I post here, it's to let things go, to put out a permanant statement about myself that nobody has to listen to, nobody has to hear, nobody has to read... but with the knowledge that the things I say are not likely to go unheard. There's a difference between screaming out at the world and darkness and knowing that someone heard, even if there is nothing to be said in return. Frequently not having anything said in return is perfect, so long as one knows that their screams and feelings were heard at all.
I'm striving to be a positive and upbeat person, and I'm managing it very well. But this place is a journal for me, a place that I can go to and unleash without fear of reprecussion for something being takent he wrong way, because I *expect* my people to see the words, but hear the message. If confused, talk to me. I'm not so hard to get ahold of anymore.
As for how I'm doing? I am, by the looks of it, advancing to barback (assistant bartender) for at least part-time/on-call. Still bigger than dishwasher, and I put in the internal application wednesday and thursday they talked to me about finalizing it. So that's speed of upgrade for ya. Also looks like they're trying to make me a cook as well. And they've talked to me about moving to a permanent schedule of 5 days on the rough shift because I'm the guy who can handle that shift (for dishwashing). So work is proceeding along my plans very smoothly. Yes, *my* plans. They don't know it but they are playing my game well. Move swiftly my little pawns, move swiftly.
Home is just that. Another home. It's the second one I've had in my life. It's very nice... it's really beyond nice to just have a home to go to, and to feel like it *is* a home. I'm taking care of it and it's taking care of me in return. If work is rough then I have a home to help me feel better. If home is rough then I have work to uplift me. How? I love being able to put forth strong effort and see that effort rewarded in turn. Work is just that. I have a very strong work ethic and I've become enthralled with working for the sake of working, and the pleasure it brings me is exquisite.
The SCA contacts are prolific and growing, people are liking me for being me. And many of them have seen changes in me over a short period of time and are proud and happy of those changes. I have developed strong friendships and I am very proud of that. I'm also very proud of how I handled myself at the event. Not perfect, no, but such a far step and movement away and beyond what I was even at the Gathering. Oh, yes, I am proud indeed.
My plans for the SCA are growing as well and proceeding better than expectations, as my expectations were upon the flawed person I was before, instead of the lesser version of flaw that I am now. I am rough around the edges still, but hopefull not so rough as to cut those caring for and handling me. Come, play with me people, for the plans you cannot see you are a part of are great indeed and I hold the tools as you are the keys to these plans, and all shall be revealed when the plans are put into motion, for good or ill on the success of those plans. But they will move, and if things move well then we will move the world. *smiles softly, a wicked and lustful smile of conquest and desire*
I'm not drinking, had a beer, yes, but didn't even finish it. I've found that my desires to drink are merely for the "fun" occasions. It suits me fine. I don't need to drink otherwise, and I'll hold to that. I'm keeping clean from drugs, a more difficult task, but one I am up too I'm sure. Cigarettes.... are the greatest struggle. I'm not sure how to get rid of them... I find myself not smoking and donig alright for a short period of time and then I've asked someone and am smoking and didn't even really realise that I did... If I go too long I get... angry, pissy, close to violent. Why? Because those are what I use cigarettes to stop, so without them the body (while withdrawing from nicotine) tries to compensate the nicotine with those chemicals/emotions. It's very difficult to deal with...
Sleep. I've had deep sleep for a couple weeks now, good sleep too. Now the body is going into REM mode and I've had two days of nothing but *VERY* bad sleep because of nightmares and fears and stress. Fear of plans failing, fear of waking up to realise that *this* was all just a dream and I'm right back to where I was, back upon that path without the wisdom I have gained, knowing I'd walk it again.
To become a man, to become human, to become me... I am paying the price and it did not come cheap. But without the prize I would not be able to follow my dreams. For those that say there could have been a better way, that there was a better way listen to this.
What price would you pay to be able to reach all of your dreams. All of them. What if that price could be earned back? What if the price for not doing as you knew you must would be ALL of your dreams, and your life as well?
What about there being a better path? To be frank, when I needed to walk that path and I began down upon it, noone was able to show me a better one. And, again, I am not any of you. My favourite nickname is "Dark Angel" and it holds true. But for every Angel that exists, there must be a counter, an Angel whom has taken and moved to a darker way. To be an Angel and be dark at the same time is not easy, quite contrary. But I have tasted and seen the darkness of life, walked down those roads far enough to know them very well, but not so far as to be unable to return. I found myself upon the point of no return and clawed my way back anyhow.
I am proud. I am strong. I am capable. I have dreams, and I will have them all.
Come. Dance the dangerous dance with me, and join with me for a while upon that wicked dance floor of life, and I shall lead the way for you all. My dreams are large, give me time to set them in motion, and then.... *laughs that cruelly wicked laugh that all have buried inside of them* And *then* we shall see what forces may keep me from my dreams.
_D