(no subject)
There are a few simple and complex issues that pervade throughout my mind regularly.
One is death. Many people seem to be taking a rather bad view, or at least a wholly concerned and worried view, upon the way I describe, talk about, deal with, and contemplate death. Lemme 'splain.
I'm going to die. Fucking deal with it.
I don't plan on dying, accept it.
What else is there to worry or be concerned about? I have left suicidal tendancies behind with my early early teenage years, even the scars have faded. So what's left to worry about? Do you all really think, that after everything I've been through, I'd just huck in the towel and say "this is just too much. screw it." Do you really think so little of my hatred for life? Oh, yes, hatred. Leave all the other emotions and concepts of human nature out of it, hatred is more than enough. I can live on hatred. Did it for many many years, made quite a beast out of me, but I did it. And got over it. If I had nothing else at all, no friends, no love, no hope, no dreams, no desires no wants no nothing.... then I would be left with only a greater hatred with which to battle back at the world until I found those things once more. Death is a final result, it is not an option. I will not go quietly into the night.
Next is about my being pessimestic, negative, or generally downtrodden. Fucking deal with it. I'm not sure how it works for all of you, but for me it's simple. It's like cleaning my room. My full sister and I will clean a room and it will only get messier before it gets clean again. We strip it down bare, clean up the base parts of the whole thing and then proceed to reassemble it, sometimes in an entirely different fashion.
That's what I'm doing to my heart. I've been doing it for years and years because there was something worth cleaning myself up for. Something that was worth striving to achieve. My methods were flawed and cost me the prize. *shrugs* So I need to do it again, with greater care and slower and softer touch this time. It seems I've lost what I was striving for, perhaps even beyond the reach of friendship. But I have not been told so, on either mark yet (If I am wrong on that then by God speak up and tell me, but be sure about it. It's a cruel thing to state one way and then later state another. I don't know is still an answer, and one I'm gladly accepting. I have all the time in the world, take all the time you need and want.) and as such, for not being told, I shall not deviate from my original path: that of friendship first, and perhaps love one day. *shrugs*
Why is it so painful? Because it was something that meant that much to me. But it was my damnable error of living poorly while I fixed myself. I don't believe that it was uneccessary, for it truly was. I just wished that I'd managed to do it better, or at least without causing such pain. "I'm just a boy whose intentions are good, oh Lord please don't let me be missunderstood." & "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." seems to sum up my life. I'm tired of my road to Hell and am striving to clear myself a way to a better path. It's just not easy. There's a great deal on my plate people, detox from drugs, alcohol, womanizing, drinking, cigarettes, irresponsibilty involving living, the struggle to teach myself how to take care of myself (laugh all you want. it may be easy for you, but I've been completely and absolutely unconcerned with my health for my entire life. now I have to learn how to be healthy, and I don't consider it very fun or very funny.), how to budget and plan a life.
All at once. Why? Because I'm psychotic, that's why. I've had such a massive amount of whom I was drained away from everything I could do and was doing just so that I could fix myself. Lots of issues that I'd never honestly tried to cope with, deal with, accept, or work on. So I instead buried them. With a life like mine they add up quickly, and I had around 17 years of backed up problems. Any one year of which was more than enough to chew on. So I worked on them, tore my heart and psyche apart. Now, with everything having happened this year, I'm really cleaning the bare bones of my soul and patching it up, fixing the furniture, and getting it all ptu back into place and working order. So I have a great deal more potential to play with than previously. It's just that old habbits die hard. I've had....I think 4 or 5 cigarettes this whole week. I'm doing great, and I know I haven't even come close to smoking a whole pack since last sunday. I'm doing great on that. Keeping up on the no drugs and no alcohol, have a doctors appointment this wednesday. Hell, I might even tell you all how it goes (don't push or I just won't fucking tell you. If nothing else it's my fucking business.). I've been eating regularly, taking multivitamins almost every day... and still down to about 170 pounds. I'm scrawny and looking a little unhealthy in all honesty, but I'm working on that too and it'll be something that I talk to the doctor about.
And finally.... trust. I realised, after the last post, that I had indeed lost the trust that I'd placed into most of the world... almost all of it honestly. And then I realised something.... so what?
Just because I've lost trust or faith, be it in friend or God, doesn't mean that I can't strive with what I have within me to rebuild that trust and faith. I've made a fair truce with God, can't say that I'm at peace with him yet as I still don't know enough, still haven't learned enough. But there is time for that. And I'll work on it. As for my friends....
I miss my friends. And I miss being able to place that blind trust in them.... So I'm going to work to continue to trust them with all my heart, because I love my friends... And while trust and love are mutually exclusive at times, they are best when mutually paired.
So. I'm working on it.
I think I should get "CAUTION: Work In Progress" tattooed across my collar bone. What do you think?
My loves and patience to you all.
I'll still be here in the end... you all know how to get ahold of me, because if nothing else, you're reading this. I'll be here for you if you should ever need me. Just lemme know. That's what friends are for: to catch you when you fall, weather it's from the heights of arrogance, or the depths of agony a friend will catch, pull you up, and set you upon your feet to try again.
_D
One is death. Many people seem to be taking a rather bad view, or at least a wholly concerned and worried view, upon the way I describe, talk about, deal with, and contemplate death. Lemme 'splain.
I'm going to die. Fucking deal with it.
I don't plan on dying, accept it.
What else is there to worry or be concerned about? I have left suicidal tendancies behind with my early early teenage years, even the scars have faded. So what's left to worry about? Do you all really think, that after everything I've been through, I'd just huck in the towel and say "this is just too much. screw it." Do you really think so little of my hatred for life? Oh, yes, hatred. Leave all the other emotions and concepts of human nature out of it, hatred is more than enough. I can live on hatred. Did it for many many years, made quite a beast out of me, but I did it. And got over it. If I had nothing else at all, no friends, no love, no hope, no dreams, no desires no wants no nothing.... then I would be left with only a greater hatred with which to battle back at the world until I found those things once more. Death is a final result, it is not an option. I will not go quietly into the night.
Next is about my being pessimestic, negative, or generally downtrodden. Fucking deal with it. I'm not sure how it works for all of you, but for me it's simple. It's like cleaning my room. My full sister and I will clean a room and it will only get messier before it gets clean again. We strip it down bare, clean up the base parts of the whole thing and then proceed to reassemble it, sometimes in an entirely different fashion.
That's what I'm doing to my heart. I've been doing it for years and years because there was something worth cleaning myself up for. Something that was worth striving to achieve. My methods were flawed and cost me the prize. *shrugs* So I need to do it again, with greater care and slower and softer touch this time. It seems I've lost what I was striving for, perhaps even beyond the reach of friendship. But I have not been told so, on either mark yet (If I am wrong on that then by God speak up and tell me, but be sure about it. It's a cruel thing to state one way and then later state another. I don't know is still an answer, and one I'm gladly accepting. I have all the time in the world, take all the time you need and want.) and as such, for not being told, I shall not deviate from my original path: that of friendship first, and perhaps love one day. *shrugs*
Why is it so painful? Because it was something that meant that much to me. But it was my damnable error of living poorly while I fixed myself. I don't believe that it was uneccessary, for it truly was. I just wished that I'd managed to do it better, or at least without causing such pain. "I'm just a boy whose intentions are good, oh Lord please don't let me be missunderstood." & "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." seems to sum up my life. I'm tired of my road to Hell and am striving to clear myself a way to a better path. It's just not easy. There's a great deal on my plate people, detox from drugs, alcohol, womanizing, drinking, cigarettes, irresponsibilty involving living, the struggle to teach myself how to take care of myself (laugh all you want. it may be easy for you, but I've been completely and absolutely unconcerned with my health for my entire life. now I have to learn how to be healthy, and I don't consider it very fun or very funny.), how to budget and plan a life.
All at once. Why? Because I'm psychotic, that's why. I've had such a massive amount of whom I was drained away from everything I could do and was doing just so that I could fix myself. Lots of issues that I'd never honestly tried to cope with, deal with, accept, or work on. So I instead buried them. With a life like mine they add up quickly, and I had around 17 years of backed up problems. Any one year of which was more than enough to chew on. So I worked on them, tore my heart and psyche apart. Now, with everything having happened this year, I'm really cleaning the bare bones of my soul and patching it up, fixing the furniture, and getting it all ptu back into place and working order. So I have a great deal more potential to play with than previously. It's just that old habbits die hard. I've had....I think 4 or 5 cigarettes this whole week. I'm doing great, and I know I haven't even come close to smoking a whole pack since last sunday. I'm doing great on that. Keeping up on the no drugs and no alcohol, have a doctors appointment this wednesday. Hell, I might even tell you all how it goes (don't push or I just won't fucking tell you. If nothing else it's my fucking business.). I've been eating regularly, taking multivitamins almost every day... and still down to about 170 pounds. I'm scrawny and looking a little unhealthy in all honesty, but I'm working on that too and it'll be something that I talk to the doctor about.
And finally.... trust. I realised, after the last post, that I had indeed lost the trust that I'd placed into most of the world... almost all of it honestly. And then I realised something.... so what?
Just because I've lost trust or faith, be it in friend or God, doesn't mean that I can't strive with what I have within me to rebuild that trust and faith. I've made a fair truce with God, can't say that I'm at peace with him yet as I still don't know enough, still haven't learned enough. But there is time for that. And I'll work on it. As for my friends....
I miss my friends. And I miss being able to place that blind trust in them.... So I'm going to work to continue to trust them with all my heart, because I love my friends... And while trust and love are mutually exclusive at times, they are best when mutually paired.
So. I'm working on it.
I think I should get "CAUTION: Work In Progress" tattooed across my collar bone. What do you think?
My loves and patience to you all.
I'll still be here in the end... you all know how to get ahold of me, because if nothing else, you're reading this. I'll be here for you if you should ever need me. Just lemme know. That's what friends are for: to catch you when you fall, weather it's from the heights of arrogance, or the depths of agony a friend will catch, pull you up, and set you upon your feet to try again.
_D