A piece of advice.
Everybody wants advice. For one thing or another everyone wants advice.
So here is my advice to you. Take it as you will.
I have spent the last six years loveing someone. Six years. Can you, honestly, fucking fathom what that means? Have you spent 6 years pining after someone? Have you spent that much time thinking about them day after fucking day?
I have. I've spent more time thinking about Jenny than I have spent thinking about the things I've done wrong. Believe it or not, that's a hell of a lot of time.
To get ahold of me you can call Nathan. He knows. He knows more than anyone. I tell him everything.
He didnt' know that I was in Colorado. But Jenny did. She knew.
Why? Because, from her, I can keep nothing. Not a single thing. For the rest of you... here is my last week.... or two.
Drunk. Two fucking weeks, one day in between which I've made up for tonight by killing two bottles (not full, stop fucking worrying) so that maybem, JUST MAYBE I would be rendered unconscious. Because I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having her on my mind every waking minute. Every fucking hour. Wondering if I've screwed up too much.
Some of you might not be surprised.... most of you I'd expect. You've watched me live life well.... and flush the best thign in my life, the best reason I haven't pulled the trigger the last thirteeen plus times I've looked down the barrel.
It's because I love her. More than life itself. Sound cliche? Fuck off. Things are cliche for a reason: because they happen enough to be noted.
Without her... I've got nothin. I ain't got a reason to improve myself. She's the only reason I've made progess thus far. And fuck you all, I have made progress.... little by little. But there is nothing like coming to and realising that five hours have passed since you passed out.
Nothing like realising that 5 hours ago you were part of the Highland Games and now you're the drunk that had to be carried away. It wasn't drunk... It was something else. Like an insulin shock. Something akin to diabetic coma. I was unconscious for 5 hours, my pulse droped to 35 and I almost went to the hospital. Had Keith not helped me to my tent and blankets, had Kelly not removed my soaking shoes and socks, had Katie not kept watch on me.
Had those things not happened... I would be dead. End of story. Right now you would be dealing with my death, graceful, happy, irrelevant. I would be dead. So give thanks to them, or curses as your want may be, but because of them and all else like Ashley.... if not for them I would be dead.
Somethign like that... it can change you. Yeah, I'll follow the cliche. It changed me... Not me... my views. It changed my view entirely... I've spent 6 years loving someone.... 4 years ruining that love. Why?
I don't know... I can't give a definate reason. I can give you reasons aplenty..... but not any that make up for it. And now? Now I might have lost the chance I had... the one chance to be with the greatest thing in my world.... the only thing I've continued to live for.... 6 years is a lot of time...
So my advice? Why don't you take the time you have now, the time you're wasting reading my bullshit crap-fucking-tacular sob-story and tell the people you love just how much they mean to you. Last Saturday I woke up like usual.... Sunday I woke up realising that I want nothing, not a single god damned thing, more than to wake up in the same bed as her. To have her arms around me. To kiss her in the morning. To make her breakfast..... To spend the rest of my damned days with her.
Because with her I am blessed beyond anyone. Without her... It is hell upon Earth, and I might as well meet it face first.
I cannot be with her right now.... or for the last two weeks.... So to cope? To cope I have, like tonight, drank myself unconscious in the mere hopes that my dreams will be filled with somethign other than her. So that I can wake up and not cry for the fact that I fucked it up.
So take my advice. It's better than being where I am.
So here is my advice to you. Take it as you will.
I have spent the last six years loveing someone. Six years. Can you, honestly, fucking fathom what that means? Have you spent 6 years pining after someone? Have you spent that much time thinking about them day after fucking day?
I have. I've spent more time thinking about Jenny than I have spent thinking about the things I've done wrong. Believe it or not, that's a hell of a lot of time.
To get ahold of me you can call Nathan. He knows. He knows more than anyone. I tell him everything.
He didnt' know that I was in Colorado. But Jenny did. She knew.
Why? Because, from her, I can keep nothing. Not a single thing. For the rest of you... here is my last week.... or two.
Drunk. Two fucking weeks, one day in between which I've made up for tonight by killing two bottles (not full, stop fucking worrying) so that maybem, JUST MAYBE I would be rendered unconscious. Because I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having her on my mind every waking minute. Every fucking hour. Wondering if I've screwed up too much.
Some of you might not be surprised.... most of you I'd expect. You've watched me live life well.... and flush the best thign in my life, the best reason I haven't pulled the trigger the last thirteeen plus times I've looked down the barrel.
It's because I love her. More than life itself. Sound cliche? Fuck off. Things are cliche for a reason: because they happen enough to be noted.
Without her... I've got nothin. I ain't got a reason to improve myself. She's the only reason I've made progess thus far. And fuck you all, I have made progress.... little by little. But there is nothing like coming to and realising that five hours have passed since you passed out.
Nothing like realising that 5 hours ago you were part of the Highland Games and now you're the drunk that had to be carried away. It wasn't drunk... It was something else. Like an insulin shock. Something akin to diabetic coma. I was unconscious for 5 hours, my pulse droped to 35 and I almost went to the hospital. Had Keith not helped me to my tent and blankets, had Kelly not removed my soaking shoes and socks, had Katie not kept watch on me.
Had those things not happened... I would be dead. End of story. Right now you would be dealing with my death, graceful, happy, irrelevant. I would be dead. So give thanks to them, or curses as your want may be, but because of them and all else like Ashley.... if not for them I would be dead.
Somethign like that... it can change you. Yeah, I'll follow the cliche. It changed me... Not me... my views. It changed my view entirely... I've spent 6 years loving someone.... 4 years ruining that love. Why?
I don't know... I can't give a definate reason. I can give you reasons aplenty..... but not any that make up for it. And now? Now I might have lost the chance I had... the one chance to be with the greatest thing in my world.... the only thing I've continued to live for.... 6 years is a lot of time...
So my advice? Why don't you take the time you have now, the time you're wasting reading my bullshit crap-fucking-tacular sob-story and tell the people you love just how much they mean to you. Last Saturday I woke up like usual.... Sunday I woke up realising that I want nothing, not a single god damned thing, more than to wake up in the same bed as her. To have her arms around me. To kiss her in the morning. To make her breakfast..... To spend the rest of my damned days with her.
Because with her I am blessed beyond anyone. Without her... It is hell upon Earth, and I might as well meet it face first.
I cannot be with her right now.... or for the last two weeks.... So to cope? To cope I have, like tonight, drank myself unconscious in the mere hopes that my dreams will be filled with somethign other than her. So that I can wake up and not cry for the fact that I fucked it up.
So take my advice. It's better than being where I am.